Gyeongju: The Museum Without Walls and the Korean Love Motel

Angie and I went away for the weekend to Gyeongju. Gyeongju is known as the “museum without walls” and was the capital of the Silla dynasty for almost 1,000 years (57 BC – 935 AD). During Korea's many conflicts with Japan and the North a lot of their historical sites have been damaged or destroyed. In some cases structures have been rebuilt, this reconstruction period took place in the 70s and 80s, meaning that the authenticity is lost slightly. In contrast, the many sites in Gyeongju were untouched during these battles – they’re the real McCoy. It was to be a weekend retreat away from the smog and the bustle of city life in Seoul.

Upon arrival we walked around the Daereungwon Tomb Complex, it was the place where all the former kings of Silla were buried many years ago. The complex has been well preserved, and with the foliage changing colour it was an enjoyable wander. Having said that, it is essentially a glorified graveyard. One of the tombs has been excavated, and is open to the public were you will see historical artefacts, and the place where the king was laid to rest. You're in and out of this public hole in about 10 minutes – a lot like the girls on Geordie Shore.

Our walk soon took us to the Cheomseongdae Observatory. Cheomseongdae means 'star-gazing tower' in Korean (according to Wikipedia). Built in 7^th century, it is the oldest observatory in East Asia. It is a reflection of how developed the people of Silla were.

Our tour of Gyeongju continued to the Anapji Pond. An artificial pond and garden built in the 7^th century. We arrived just before sunset, and it really was beautiful. The water was still and peaceful, and as the sun went down and the lights came on you could see a perfect reflection of the pavilion on the water. After the sun had descended the area became manic, all the other tourists showed up in their thousands. The last time so many people showed up to take pictures of a pool of water was when Michael Barrymore last had a party.

With a day of sightseeing behind us we looked for a room for the night. That night was to become my first experience of a Korean love motel. These motels are very popular in Korea, young adults will continue to live at home with their parents until they are married, this inevitably leaves little time at home for private encounters. In Gyeongju, there seemed to be very few places available so the motel had to suffice.

We paid for the room up front, a very modest ₩40,000 (£24), this included a “welcome package” which comprised condoms and toothbrushes - preventing pregnancy and plaque are high on every love motels’ agenda. The stairway was dark, only lit by the light from the emergency exit signs. The third floor was brighter than the others as it was lit by a ceiling light which had a red light shade to reinforce the cliché. We walked past a vending machine which had sold out of condoms. Classy.

The first impressions of our room were overwhelming; it was a mixture of astonishment, dissatisfaction, and hesitancy. The décor looked something out of Eastern Europe in the 1960s. It looked clean but felt dirty, and seedy. Dirty like a Law and Order: SVU crime scene, and seedy like a job interview with Peter Stringfellow. Luckily, I left my UV light at home. I had heard a few rumours about love motels in Korea, one was of the free dirty porn channels. I turned on the TV only to be disappointed - 3 channels and no porn. Another rumour I had heard was that you can ask for a dirty movie at the front desk, I suppose that’s what the VCR player was for, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. It was far from glamorous but it was a place for the night.

The next day we decided to first check out the World Culture Expo Park, the main feature being Gyeongju Tower which has a nine-story pagoda cut out in the middle, this is homage to the Hwangnyongsa Temple pagoda which was destroyed by the Mongolians in 1238. It was the tallest structure in the world at the time, reaching a height of 80m.

Soon after we made our way to Bulguksa Temple, the head temple of Korean Buddhism, and is considered by many to be the best. The initial building of the temple started in 528, it is vast and incredibly impressive. But with this title it has become a bit of a tourist trap. There were hundreds, if not thousands of people there, which killed the vibe. I’m no Buddhist monk but I was under the impression that the temples are meant to be peaceful, tranquil places for prayer and meditation, instead Bulguksa is filled with crowds, crying children, slow walking tour groups, tour group leaders with PA systems, and constant queues because some twat is taking another selfie. It says it all that the temple has a souvenir shop. I’m not saying don’t go to Bulguksa, but I would encourage you not to go on a weekend. If Buddist temples are your thing then go to a smaller, less popular one. There you will get a true, authentic experience, you will get the place to yourself, and you’ll see monks in their daily routine. You will not see this at Bulguksa.

Sunday was wrapped up with a short visit to Seokguram Grotto, 4 miles up the mountain from Bulguksa. A giant stone Buddha has been carved from a single rock. An impressive feat but it wasn’t something I could truly admire as a non-Buddhist. I could only appreciate it for its artistic value, which took all of about 2 minutes. If you’ve seen a Buddha statue before then don’t bother going to Seokguram Grotto. There I just save you a trip.

It would have been nice to stay another day, there were some other places I wanted to see but after a while it started to feel very similar. Temple, field, shrine, pavilion. Temple, field, shrine, pavilion. Returning to Seoul where there is civilisation, where restaurants aren’t empty after 9:30pm, and you don’t have to wait 20 minutes to get a taxi was nice. Gyeongju is a nice escape, but I am thoroughly glad to be living in a city.

Japan: Robots, Sex, French Maids, and Used Underwear

Karl and I recently travelled to Japan over the Chuseok break. Japan has always been a country that I have wanted to visit, arriving there I felt an excitement that I haven’t felt in other counties. Being in Japan for the first time it reminded me of the time that I arrived in Korea. I was in an unfamiliar Asian country where language was an issue (for me, not the locals… they can speak Japanese pretty well). In Korea I’ve picked up enough of the language to get by, but in Japan I was back to hand gestures and pointing. While I was struggling it didn’t take Karl long to start mixing with the locals.

Our first evening in Tokyo, Karl and I decided to explore the local region around our hotel. Before long we noticed that we were in the red light district of Tokyo, that’s why the hotel was so cheap. (The area is called Shinjuku if you’re planning on going). As we wandered around we were constantly approached by Nigerian men who try to lure you into the “bars” and “clubs”. When they approach you they say things like “you like girls?” or “Japanese girls sex” or “FREE TITTIES!” As much as I like girls, sex, and free titties, I was not in the market for those services on that particular night. Unsurprisingly, these guys started to get very annoying. When you turn down their offers they try to entice a response from you by saying “you don’t like titties?!” Karl and I started telling them that we were in Tokyo on our honeymoon, that kept the guys at bay. If there’s anything that will ward off Nigerians it is homosexuality. Karl and I just started making out in front of them just to prove a point.

This is all the touristy stuff we did:

The following morning. When looking for things to do in Tokyo, Karl told me that we should “have a beer for breakfast”. I’m not sure how that is unique to Tokyo but we obliged, and in true British fashion we had a beer and a curry for breakfast.

We went to the Meiji Shrine. It was vast and very Asian. It was a cool thing to see but having seen a lot of cool Asian things in Korea I think the novelty has worn off a little. It’s like when Lindsey Lohan did her first line of coke, I bet she got a huge thrill out of it but now when she vacuums up a line it’s a little underwhelming. That’s like me with Asian monuments.

A little later we went to the Shibuya Crossing, you often see it on TV. It’s a huge crossroad where all 4 directions of traffic stop to let hundreds of people cross the street. It doesn’t sound that cool when you write it down but it’s a touristy thing to do. Shut up.

A trip to Japan wouldn’t be complete without seeing some robots and the place to see them is at The National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation. You should have seen Karl’s face when we were there, it’s basically Disneyland for him. His smile got wider when he saw the exhibits and he started learning. I asked Karl shall we do some more sightseeing? He scoffed. I asked him, shall we get something to eat? He said “why?” I asked him, shall we go to a bar and meet some ladies? He said “science is the only sexual stimulus I need”. They are genuine quotes. We hung around for the Honda Asimo exhibit, which was pretty cool.

A Japanese phenomenon that I was unaware of was the maid cafes. Essentially, these are cafes where cute Japanese girls dress up as French maids and serve you, these exist for lonely guys who want cute girls to pay them some attention. Like the lonely tourists we were we went. We ordered some food and drinks and then the girls made us repeat the phrase “delicious magic, meow, meow, meow!” It was so cringey. It was also the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since Harry Redknapp said that Tottenham could win the league. There were 3 groups of people at this particular café; some drunk businessmen, a loner (who was there on his birthday!), and the foreigners. I don’t want to sound elitist but the other guys were fucking weird. We joined in with the silliness of the experience because it was funny but the other guys enjoyed it. The lonely guy who was there alone for his birthday requested that everyone should sing happy birthday for him. When he counted down 3, 2, 1… Karl and I were the only ones who sang. I felt sorry for him, having no mates, going to a maid café for your birthday alone, and the only people singing happy birthday are two random foreigners who don’t know your name. “Happy birthday dear… Happy birthday to you!” Poor bugger.

Whilst in Tokyo I noticed that there are a lot of white people. In Korea, there are a lot but usually only in the “white people areas” of Itaewon and Hongdae. In Tokyo they’re everywhere. The white people in Korea seem normal, they’re most likely teachers, or in the military. But the white people in Japan are just strange, they’re the weird kids at school who were into anime and Dungeons and Dragons, and there are thousands of them.

We went back to Shinjuku (the red light district), mainly because our hotel was there. The sex trade is almost non-existent in Korea, so I’ve heard. But in Tokyo it’s in abundance. Anything you want is on offer, and it wouldn’t take long to find whatever you’re into. A crazy thing I’d heard about Japan that I wanted to investigate was used panty vending machines. Not that I’m into that kind of thing… honest. But, I’d heard that this craziness existed and I wanted to see it (the vending machine, not the panties). I must have looked at every vending machine in the area but I couldn’t find a panty pantry. I was quite disappointed. I’ve since read that they don’t exist anymore but were available about a decade ago.

One thing that the Japanese do well is British pubs. They have dozens of them. I know, I know, you go all the way to Japan and you spend your time in a British pub, it’s madness but sometimes you just want a quick pint. We made up for it by trying the local cuisine. Karl and I both sunk our teeth into a chicken Teriyaki sandwich from Subway. We were fully immersed in Japanese culture.

The craziest thing we did in Tokyo was the Robot Cabaret Show. It seemed a little expensive at ¥6,000 (£40) a ticket but I can say it’s worth every yen. It’s not a show that you will fully understand unless you witness it for yourself. The best way to describe the show is that someone took a lorry load of acid and filmed what they saw. I went to Japan looking for weird shit and I found it. If you go this is what to expect; dragons, robot eating sharks, masked men shredding it on guitar, tanks and Gatling guns, giant snakes, robots fighting pandas, robots fighting tribesmen, Japanese women in bikinis riding 10ft robotic women, and so many other things that my brain couldn’t process at the time. It’s been a week and I’m still trying to comprehend what I witnessed. (See the video below for some highlights).

The video highlights:

Japan is probably the most interesting country I’ve been to, they can boast history, scenery, bustling cities, and pure crazy. But I don’t think I’d like to live there. The weirdness would become the norm and then the rest of the world would just be a disappointment. It’s OK that Japan is strange because you can experience it for a week and then go home. I was a tourist to the craziness, but the people that live there are prisoners to it.

Seoul Capital Region Football Stadium Guide

This is a short guide to the football stadiums in Seoul and the surround areas. The 4 most successful teams within the capital region of Korea are; Seongnam FC, Suwon Bluewings FC, FC Seoul, and Incheon United FC.

Seongnam are currently the most successful team in Korea as they hold a record 7 league titles, 2 FA Cups, and 2 AFC Champions League titles. Suwon Bluewings hold 4 league titles, 3 FA Cups, and 2 AFC Champions League titles. FC Seoul holds 5 league trophies and 1 FA Cup. And finally, Incheon United can only brag of finishing as runners-up in the K-League in 2005. (The Korean League Cup was omitted from list of titles as it is no longer an active trophy). These 4 teams of ranging success are located in or a short distance from the capital city of Seoul.

There are many similarities between these stadiums. Food and drinks (including alcoholic beverages) can be bought in the concourse and can be consumed in the stands. Prices for food and drink are reasonable and will cost a little more than if they were purchased at a regular convenience store. The busiest times to buy food and drinks are just before kick-off and at half time, but even during these peak times I've never had to wait more than 5 minutes to get a drink.

The food is unfamiliar compared to the snacks sold at football games in England. Snacks on offer are usually kimbap, and dried squid - a far cry from the usual pie and chips.

Toilet access is very convenient in the large World Cup Stadiums, and due to the small crowd sizes you often don't have to queue (I'm speaking from a male point of view, I cannot comment for the female toilets).

Seoul World Cup Stadium

Tenants: FC Seoul, and the Korean National Team

Capacity: 66,806
Opened: 2001
Average Attendance (2013): 16,607
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 24.85%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652

Subway Directions: Take Line 6 to the World Cup Stadium station. Exit 1 or 2.

The 2002 World Cup left a legacy in Korea with the main testimony to this being the stadiums that were left behind. The largest of those within the capital region is the Seoul World Cup Stadium. The population of the Republic of Korea is an estimated 50 million people and with half of those people residing in the capital region this generates a huge potential of football fans. Unfortunately for the current inhabitants, FC Seoul only manage to quarter fill the ground.

Domestic games often draw crowds of around 16,000 fans and mid-week continental games draw in less. Despite this, the loyal fans still create a good amount of noise and sing throughout the 90 minutes. For those fans who want to mingle among the louder, more vocal fans should buy a ticket in the north stand. For those who wish to sit for the duration of the match should opt for the quieter east or west stands. Away fans usually occupy the south stand.

The other occupiers of this stadium are the Korean national team. They played their last international friendly before the 2014 World Cup against Tunisia. For that game the attendance was 57,112, a huge increase on the usual FC Seoul faithful. For that particular game there were pre and post-match shows as the country prepared for the World Cup in Brazil. International games are usually of better quality in terms of playing ability, atmosphere, and as a general spectacle, and this was obvious to see. The Korean players that represent their country often play overseas and to have them back playing on home soil you could feel the national pride as they took to the field. It was a great experience but the added quality is represented in the match-day ticket price. 

FC Seoul Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩12,000, more lucrative seats can be purchased. There are discounted tickets for juniors, and complimentary tickets are available for senior citizens over 65, the handicapped, and pre-schoolers accompanied by an adult.

Republic of Korea Tickets: Tickets for international games may vary due to the status of the game. For friendlies tickets range from ₩30-100,000 for an adult ticket, and competitive international games are likely to be more expensive. 

Tancheon Stadium

Tenants: Seongnam FC

Capacity: 16,250
Opened: 2002
Average Attendance (2013): 2,825
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 17.38%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652

Subway Directions: Take the Bundang Line to Yatap Station. Exit 3. Walk straight out of exit 3 until you reach the river, turn left and cross the bridge. The stadium is about a 10 minute walk from the station.

The stadium is a short walk from the station but when I visited I had no directions so I asked the locals how to find it. I asked (in my best Korean) 'where is the football stadium?' (I actually, begrudgingly, said soccer as Koreans prefer the use of American English, but that's another issue). My question was met with puzzled faces as none of the people I asked knew of any stadium in the local area. I asked for directions in a local convenience store, that happened to be about 500m from the ground, and again I received no directional guidance. It's not difficult to find if you follow the directions shown above.

As the most decorated team in Korea my expectations were raised when I visited the Tancheon Stadium, the home of Seongnam FC. The arena is very eerie. When you enter you walk through long corridors that feel more like a run-down conference centre rather than football stadium. In the stands, you have access to the entire stadium. You can move freely to any part of the ground. The fans are spread so there's not really a place to specify the area to sit for the best atmosphere. This was the first football ground that I'd been to that had a running track around the pitch, you are a distance from the action on the pitch.

For football fans who seek a more modest stadium distant from the larger World Cup stadiums, then this is for you. 

Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩10,000. Junior tickets can be purchased for ₩6,000, and tickets for disabled fans cost ₩3,000.

Suwon World Cup Stadium

Tenants: Suwon Bluewings FC
Capacity: 43,959
Opened: 2001
Average Attendance (2013): 17,689
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 40.24%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652

Subway Directions: Take the Bundang Line to Suwon Station. Exit 1, 5, or 6. Take a taxi from there to the stadium, the taxi journey will take about 5-10 minutes and will cost around ₩5,000-6,000.

The Suwon World Cup Stadium, nicknamed the Big Bird Stadium, is by far my favourite stadium that I have visited in Korea. There is charm to the ends not being covered, and there is so much colour it adds character that can draw your attention away from the game. 

I first visited this arena during Korea's monsoon season, there was torrential rain throughout the game. As the ends of the stadium are not covered this forced a lot of fans to seek cover at the back of the stand. This led to a concentration of singing supporters. The crowd were fantastic, singing throughout. If you want mingle among the louder fans then you should buy a ticket for the north end. Highly recommended.

There were a couple of 'footballing firsts' for me at this ground. I had never before seen football fans wearing rain macs, nor had I seen football fans using umbrellas. Umbrellas are very much taboo in English football after their association with Steve "The Wolly with the Brolly" McLaren.

Suwon can boast the largest average crowd in the K-League. My experience of this stadium was very pleasurable. The game, the crowd, and the facilities were all excellent. Add to that the unpredictability of the game due to the amount of rain. 

After the game there was just as much excitement. The ground staff turned the pitch watering jets on to the crowd and drenched them. Most of the supporters were already wet from the rain, but some were shielding from the jets of water behind their umbrellas. They seemed to enjoy the tomfoolery and it brought a smile to those in the other stands. As the fans exited the stadium many congregated outside to carry on their support of the team. You can see in the video below that the fans were very happy with the result of that particular game.

If you wish to attend any of the stadiums on this list my recommendation would be to the Suwon World Cup Stadium. A must-do for any football fan living in Suwon. 

Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩12,000. Junior tickets cost ₩6,000, and pre-schoolers are free. There is a discounted price for disabled fans.

Incheon Football Stadium

Tenants: Incheon United FC
Capacity: 20,891
Opened: 2012
Average Attendance (2013): 7,077
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 33.88%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652

Subway Directions: Take Line 1 to Dowon station. Exit 1.

The stadium was built to replace the much larger World Cup stadium where Incheon United previously played their home games. The Incheon Football Stadium was built to host some of the football games that are due to be played during the 2014 Asian Games.

As you exit Dowon station you can immediately see Incheon Football Stadium. The stadium has a unique design as 3 of the four stands have covers which leaves one end open, this end is nearest to the station giving you a full view of the inside of the ground. 

As we walked closer to the arena we walked through a children's clothes market. There were dozens of stalls just outside the ticket box. It was very odd, and seemed unimaginable compared to a match day in England. 

The stadium has only been opened for a few years and is very modern. It is unassuming but there is beauty in it's simplicity. The south stand is where the 'ultras' are located and this stand even has a standing area - this I loved. 

The pitch was in good condition and the football on the day was exciting as Incheon United ran out triumphant winners. Incheon United cannot compare to the other teams in this guide but this does not mean that their facilities are lacking. The United ultras cheered throughout the game but they were less vocal than other teams but this is probably due to the lower attendance. 

Incheon United cannot compare their crowd size or on-field success to some of the other surrounding teams but you can still enjoy a day at the football there. A visit to Incheon Football Stadium should be must if you live close by.

Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩10,000. Junior tickets cost ₩6,000. There are further discounts for disabled fans and pensioners. 

Things Korean People Say and Other Racism

I always see videos or articles online that are titled something like “stupid things white people say” or “if Asians said the things white people say” and they kind of seem one sided. There are white people that ask silly questions but I think the vast majority of these people aren’t asking questions to offend, they are curious about other people and cultures. But these mildly offensive misjudgements do not just hail from white people, they are global. Having spent some time in Korea these are some of the occasions I have noticed that would probably be considered inappropriate, in the UK at least.

“That’s too spicy for you…”

I hear this one all the time, whether it’s from people that I’m dining with or the waiter, Asians are concerned about the spice of my meal choice. I like spicy food, nothing too extreme so that it becomes more of an endurance that enjoyable but spice is good. Koreans throw this one out there like Korean food is the equivalent of fire eating, it’s not. It becomes annoying very quickly and when you’ve heard it from the waiter 100 times you start to think “just bring the fucking food out.”

“White teachers are good for business…”

I work as an English teacher (as most foreigners do in Korea), and during a staff meeting our director was very honest with the recruitment of the teachers at our school. He said that Koreans don’t want to learn English from non-white foreigners, I was stunned into silence. He went as far as saying “we have 3 white teachers, that’s good for business”. Just wow.

Koreans are unintentionally rude

My classes start at 7am from Monday to Friday, hardly my favourite time of the day. Often when I come in at that time some student will feel the need to express how shit I look. “Teacher, you look tired today”. I am tired, I don’t need reminding.

Upon meeting one of my girlfriend's friends, he was kind enough to buy me a gift. I was truly moved, I had never met him before but he was generous to think of giving me a gift. I unwrapped it (oh yeah, he wrapped it!) and it was deodorant and sun cream. I looked a little puzzled as I turned to him and said "thank you". He explained that white people burn easily and they smell bad when they sweat. Thanks, I suppose. 

Another example of this came from another teacher I know. He is a bit larger than average and his size provoked a conversation with his director. The boss told him that he should seek the help of the other foreign teacher as he studied Physical Education at university. I have been told that Koreans aren’t trying to be rude, they apparently feel the need to point out the obvious so that you can address the issue.

You’re British? Alright, guvna!

“I love The Beatles.”
Great, so does everyone.
“Do you know the Queen?”
No.
“What about David Beckham?”
No.
“Do you eat fish and chips?”
Occasionally.

These silly questions are the same as asking Chinese people “Are you good at kung fu?” or to black people “What’s your favourite food, after fried chicken?”  

Another one is “I hear English food is really bad, how bad is it?” Well, food is subjective. Some people will like it others won’t. If you ask me my personal opinion I would say English food is delicious, but then I’m biased.

These aren’t limited to Koreans, I get this from anyone not from the United Kingdom.

A black man doing martial arts. See, we're all equal.

Can you change your accent?

This is the only one that actually offended me. “I can’t understand you, can you speak with an American accent?” No, and fuck you. I’m English, so I will speak with an English accent. Koreans need to realise that English is not limited to American English. I will spell colour with a U and I won’t change my accent. English is used by so many different nationalities, they have different language rules and none of them are wrong. English used by the British is different to the Americans, and they are different to the Australians. They use different words, different slang, and different spelling. Unless you’re Canadian and you have multiple correct spellings. Grey or gray? Come on Canada, pick a side!

Is it OK for a foreigner to date a Korean?

I asked this question to some of my adult students and they all united in agreement. The said “It’s OK for a foreigner to date a Korean if the foreigner is from a more developed country than Korea”. Sometimes it’s best to avoid these. Next question.

Koreans are racist against Koreans

Koreans do things that would cause an uproar if the same was done by the English in England. Often at special events; festivals, night clubs, and the like, Koreans will have two different prices for different people. The different people being Korean nationals and foreigners. I have been in these situations when going into a night club where my Korean friends will have to pay an entrance fee and I stroll in for FREE! If that was done in the UK The Sun and The Daily Mail would have a field day. I think I heard the reason for this is to encourage tourism but does offering a ₩10,000 (£6) discount really make that much of a difference?

This foreigner discount is also very shady as I hear that the concession usually only applies to white foreigners. That’s racist racism.

Whiteys

My girlfriend refers to white people as "whiteys". Some white people might consider this an offensive term but I would think most whiteys wouldn't be bothered if that's how the race of white people are known. I tried my utmost to explain that her abbreviation of 'white people' should not be applied to 'black people'.

OK, they're not wrong on this one

As I'm white all Koreans assume that I can't speak Korean, I mean they're correct but they're wrong to think that. When you walk down the street, no one hands you flyers, no one stops you to get you to sign up to make a charitable donation, no one talks to you because everyone assumes you can't speak the lingo. 

In the UK, equal rights and anti-discrimination are drilled into you, and although I love having no one bother me as I walk carefree through the streets of Korea I can't help but feel I'm being discriminated for the way I look. Maybe I can't support my argument very well here but I know of foreigners who can speak Korean and they get treated the same way. In contrast, I know of people of Asian descent here in Korea who cannot speak Korean. When they are approached by Korean speakers it takes them a while to process that a Korean looking person can't speak Korean.

Maybe I shouldn't worry and just enjoy this one.

While white people will say silly things it is universal from my experience. People just want to know about you and the different ways you have. Most people should engage their brain before they speak though. 

My Dirty Weekend Away with the Missus

OK, I’ve been getting lazy with this blog. I’ve gone from writing two a week to one every couple of weeks…sometimes. The last few weeks here in Korea have been unbearably hot and humid. Yesterday it reached 34°C but, with the humidity it supposedly felt like 40°C. I’m not sure how they work that out, temperature is fairly definitive. There are no added clauses on a thermometer but, at some time this week a Korean has said that it currently feels 40°C and I’m not going to argue with an Asian who deals with numbers.

Last weekend we went to the 17^th Boryeong Mud Festival, an event that I’m sure you can work out what happens from the title. People come from far and wide to cover themselves from head to toe in mud. My dirty weekend away with the missus got off to a terrible start. As she is Korean, I left her to organise the accommodation, travel, all the important organisational stuff. She just told me where to be at what time. “Meet at 10:20 at the Express Bus Terminal Station, Nambu Terminal”. OK, easy enough, I’ve been to that station plenty of times.

I met a few friends for some drinks the day before on Friday. After some drinks that afternoon I met some other friends and we went to a house party organised by some people we met at Korea Burn a few weekends before. A few too many drinks later I headed home. As I woke very hungover, I realised that I was late. I had to gain consciousness, evaluate my life, pack a bag, and get the subway to EBT Station. As I was packing I realised I didn’t have my wallet. Fuck! Where is it?! It turned out that I’d left it at the party, and Somi had messaged me to tell me that she picked it up as she left. Good and bad news, at least I haven’t lost my wallet but, now I don’t have a wallet for the weekend. I searched around my apartment and found ₩2,000 (£1.20), enough money to get the subway to meet Angie. As I evaluated my life I was at a low point, I was enduring a violent hangover and I felt that I was going to be sick at any moment. I put a plastic bag in my back pocket in case of any impromptu vomiting on the subway. Always thinking.

I arrived at Express Bus Terminal Station (no vomit) on time but couldn’t find the Nambu terminal. I searched for ages but finally had to ask. The lady at the information desk told me it was two stations down the line. Bollocks. I’m at the wrong station. No time, no wi-fi, no wallet, no money, no idea. The low point hit lower. Finally, I got wi-fi and told Angie. All the guys we were travelling with made the coach but Angie had to go and meet her clueless boyfriend. I asked her if she was angry, she said no but she definitely was.

We got a coach from EBT and headed for Boryeong. We arrived and it was time to get muddy. I had heard that the festival was just filled with boozy foreigners, and not to let the reputation down it was time to start drinking again. The last hangover had just worn off but I had a feeling I was in the process of starting a new one. The festival was fun; obstacle courses, mud slides, mud wells, a music stage, and all the events were beside the beach.

We got a lot muddier but I think we were all too muddy to operate a camera. Never mind.

We went back to the pension and spent the evening playing drinking games. So many drinking games I can’t even remember them all. We also played the longest game of Ring of Fire that I ever witnessed. We played the entire game, as the last card drawn was the 4^th King. We played so long that we actually ran out of alcohol. An impressive feat.

After the drinking games we went down to the beach. As we frolicked on the sand and watched the fireworks I had one of the most random moments of my trip so far. Sometimes on your travels things just start to become normal. Living in Korea isn’t weird anymore, it’s just normal life. But at 3am on Boryeong beach I was watching middle-aged Korean couples doing the waltz, as someone blared classical music from their car. I had an “oh shit, I’m in Korea” moment.

It was a fun weekend all round.

The following weekend Karl and I went indoor fishing. I didn’t even know that was a thing. We had discussed going fishing for a while but in this intense heat you want to spend more time inside enjoying the delights of air conditioning. 

We went in and the room was dark, this was to stop fisherman targeting the larger fish as the fish were electronically tagged and by catching the larger ones you could win a prize. It wasn’t long before we were both baited and had our rods in the water (that’s not a euphemism). It took all of about 15 seconds before there was a fish on the end of my line. I felt a mix of joy and accomplishment by catching a fish, I was hardly a match for Jeremy Wade or David Seaman but, still. But as I pulled the fish out of the water it started splashing and I felt terrified, and began squealing at the thought of unhooking the fish. Luckily there was no one else there to judge our lack of manliness. Karl plucked up the courage to touch it and we released it back in the water.

I think I liked the idea of fishing but in reality I’m too much of a coward to deal with a harmless fish. It’s one of my believies.

I was catching so many fish it was becoming unpleasant, the repetition of joy followed immediately by terror. I said at one stage “oh bollocks, I’ve caught another one!” something that has never been said in the history of fishing.

A while into our indoor fishing nightmare 3 Korean guys joined the party. Before long they were catching fish too but they weren’t squealing. These were obviously real men. I was too ashamed to catch any fish in front of them and decided to stop baiting my hook. Unsurprisingly and thankfully, I didn’t catch any more fish.

Despite spending the afternoon panicked and petrified I did have a fun time. Another fun weekend in the Land of the Morning Calm. 

Korea Burn 2014: Never Trust a Hippie

The Burning Man festival takes place every year in the Nevada desert. I had heard a few stories about this phenomenon over the years, I understood it to be a drug and alcohol fuelled hippie orgy where everyone wishes it was the 60s. Each person weirder than the next all trying to be creative displaying their art, vibrant hair colour, and face tattoos. So when I found out that there was a Korean equivalent I was hardly in a rush to attend. It was only from speaking to Josh, James, and Susie, who attended the festival in 2013, that they managed to convince me to go. Josh described the event as the best thing he did in Korea, and the best festival he had been to. Josh and I have been to many Reading Festivals down the years and so his claims were the tipping point. I was in.

Preparation for the event brought my commitment into doubt. You cannot buy anything at the event; no food, no alcohol, you can’t even buy water. You must bring your own supplies into the camp beforehand. Even so, I reluctantly agreed. Through further research I was told that there would be a gift exchange throughout the event with the other Burners. If you met someone and you felt generous enough to give them a gift you can. It’s all about love. Christ, these hippies are testing my patience! I can’t buy beer all weekend and then I’ve got to give shit away to these free-loading tree huggers!

This year’s gang included Susie, Somi, Karl, and I from Seoul and Michael from Masan, but due to all of our different schedules we arrived at the festival at different times. Susie went alone on Thursday and I joined her on Friday afternoon. Upon arrival at the camp I was greeted with a “welcome home!” by one of the free spirited organisers. Welcome home? I’d just turned up to campsite with no beer, if that’s home then I don’t want to be there. Before letting you in they make you recite their 10 rules and bang a gong to announce your arrival, and everyone cheers like a cultural ritual. “Radical Inclusion! Gifting! Communal Effort!...” Doing so made me look and feel like a twat. Too much noise, let me walk in quietly unnoticed. I haven’t mentioned it yet but the event was organised by Americans, but you could tell that already, right? If the event was run by Brits there’d be a guy half-drunk sitting in one of those camping chairs and he’d say “Alright mate? Bogs are over there, kettle’s over there, and don’t act like too much of a knob. Have fun.” And that is what I want.

Anyhow, the tent was pitched and I was in need of a drink. Susie and I opened the supplies to find that between us we only had wine and rum with no mixer. It was decided that we’d mix the two together using the wine as the mixer. Smashing idea. Don’t judge me. Later Karl, Somi, and Michael arrived and we enjoyed the first evening.

The next morning came around and I felt terrible, not because of the alcohol (I felt surprisingly good after an odd cocktail of rum and wine that tasted like Vimto) but because of the mosquitoes. Jesus, I’m not Rainman but I must have been bitten 200 hundred times, that’s not even an exaggeration. Stinging and itching I made do with a wet wipe shower. With all the red dots on my body I must’ve looked like I had been shooting up with Kate Moss the night before.

At a hippie fest such as this one there is no rest for the attention seeking earth lovers. To my astonishment, blurry eyed from the night before, a woman completely naked walks through the campsite. Bollock naked… well, muff naked I suppose. I had to double take. Not so long later another nudist, this time less exciting, a man. Even so, for some unknown reason I couldn’t stop looking. I don’t understand naturism, you’ve got to be drugged up, or a nutter, or a drugged up nutter to be into that and I couldn’t work out which category these hippies fell into.

Saturday was another day to enjoy the festivities, music, dancing, football on the beach, and of course drinking. I got to say it was a good day, I didn’t even have to use my A.K.

The night fell and it was time for the main event, burning of the man. It was a big, rather impressive spectacle. I have no idea if the burning was meant to symbolise something, more than likely considering the number of “artists” there but it was still entertaining. The build up included drumming shows, fire displays, and unintended fireworks. No matter how good or bad the final act was it couldn’t have been worse than the opening ceremony of the World Cup.

Despite my original qualms about the event and even through some/a lot of negativity I still had a really good time. Was it the best festival I’ve been to? No, far from it. Being eaten alive by the hundreds of mosquitoes, not touching a drop of beer all weekend, missing the World Cup quarter finals, being surrounded by hundreds of weird hippies, and having to give stuff away for free. I’m pretty sure the festival’s not suited to me and I’m not suited to the festival. But never say never.