We touched down in Bali at 7am, checked into the hotel and were on the beach by 8am. The only trouble with this is that we had already started drinking before most people had even woken up.
Bali is predominantly Hindu and throughout the island you will see small square woven baskets that contain offerings to the gods. The most common offerings include flowers and food. The local Mexican restaurant to our hotel offered chocolate churros and cigarettes.
This big-titted god is similar to Santa Claus in that on Christmas eve people put out milk and cookies for the big man and here people offer biscuits and cigarettes, but the main similarity is that neither of them really exist. At least the milk and cookies get consumed. These offerings are generally a waste of churros and fags.
There was a very first experience for Eunju during our time in Bali. She got to meet her very first Essex boy. He was friendly enough, and as we relaxed by the pool he told us his romantic tales on the island. His romantic tales didn't include chocolates and flowers but did include Jaeger bombs and Johnies. Eunju said she couldn't understand a word he said, luckily. When she got up to leave he pushed her in the pool. Eunju doesn't like Essex boys.
After a few days in the touristy region of Kuta, we headed for the less populous island of Gili Trawangan. A far smaller island east of Bali, so small in fact that there is no motorised transportation on the island. People get around by bicycle or by horse-drawn cart (from my experience Indonesian people really don't treat their horses very well. They always appeared dehydrated and injured. Eunju and I, therefore, decided not to use this means of transportation.) A bike is the best way to get around and we circumnavigated the island in about 30 minutes stopping to enjoy the view from time to time.
It is widely reported that the Gili islands are the best place to partake in snorkelling. Eunju said that she was keen to give it a try. This was a little surprising considering she can't swim, but if she was up for it then why not? With clear waters, marine life, and sea turtles living in the area I was sold. Looking back at that moment, I'm still trying to work out which of us was more foolish, the person who can't swim or the one who agreed to go with her.
Out on the open waters, it was great. The sky was blue, the wind blowing in our hair and the smell of petrol in our noses. We anchored and set off looking for sea turtles and we saw plenty of them! It was a bucket list moment to swim among them. I've had a love for turtles ever since I was a kid and was hooked on the crime-fighting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I had always wanted to see turtles in the wild and it was much nicer to see them in the Indonesian seas than in the sewers of New York.
We were back on the boat and were told that we would see some statues. I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but lo and behold there were sculptures in the deep which have become a hub for the marine life. The guides told us that due to the shallow waters they would anchor down a short swim from the statues. I'm not very good at judging distances, but it must have been about 40km (probably closer to 100m). Not too daunting for me, but for Eunju that was a marathon. That's when I realised the snorkelling trip was a mistake. After only a few metres she was exhausted, and it was up to me to rescue her. I dragged her body all the way while she complained. It took an eternity and all my willpower not to leave her behind. I kept on thinking to myself that a difficult conversation with her parents about abandoning their daughter would have been much easier than towing her to safety. I did the honourable thing, internally cursing her all the way to the boat. If Eunju ever wants to go snorkelling again I'll just put Blue Planet on for her.
She suggested going surfing the next day, so I told her to piss off.
The holiday was coming to a close and the prospect of returning to China wasn't so appealing. Around every corner there were reminders of China. The black sand beaches reminded me of insensitive Chinese entertainers blacking up on TV. The smoke from the outdoor grills reminded me of the air quality. Every cigarette I smelled had a Pavlovian effect. The stary cats would call "Mao...Mao..."
On our penultimate day, we decided to rent a scooter and explore the southern part of Bali. First, we headed for the Turtle Conservation And Education Center, a rehabilitation centre for injured turtles with drug addictions. They do excellent work of caring for them before releasing them back into the wild. I got to feed a few of them and I was overjoyed. I decided to name them all; Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Rafael, Leonardo 2, Donatello 2, Michelangelo 2, Rafael 2, Leonardo 3...I ran out of names pretty quickly.
We then scooted further south to Uluwatu. It was a fair ride so we took the main highway. At the toll booth, a police officer was there waiting pulling over every foreigner. He went on to use his scare tactics in order to get a bribe from us.
"You don't have an international driving permit, you'll need to go to court and will need to pay a lot of money."
He goes through this script every time and his delivery was hardly Oscar-worthy. I then gave my Tom Hanks-esque performance
"Oh no! The guy we rented from didn't mention anything about an international driving permit. I don't want to go to court. Is there another way to solve this?"
While flashing at 50,000 rupiah (£2.50) in his direction. The bribe worked and we were on our way again.
Uluwatu is pretty much the most southern point of Bali which boasts some of the most spectacular cliffs you've ever seen. They were as nice as the White Cliffs of Dover and much better than Richards.
We walked through the forest where the local monkeys hassled tourists for snacks. Echoing from the tannoy system was an announcement "please, do not feed the monkeys". Everyone ignored it and the monkeys were happy for it.
We made our way to the beach, but it wasn't quite what I was expecting. Uluwatu beach is signposted very well, so we thought we'd dip our toes. Little did we know, it is a surfers haven. You need to enter the beach by descending down a fair few stairs, before entering a cave. The surfers around us then headed for the water. It seemed incredibly dangerous. Luckily there was a viewpoint bar where from we enjoyed the spectacular view. The enormous waves crashed into the rocks below us, feeling the vibrations carry through the stone. This moment was improved with a very sour lemon juice.
On our way back we hit some unbelievable rush hour traffic. The journey was only a mere few kilometres, but it took an age. It was actually quite nice to be back among the petrol fumes as my body was struggling to cope with the clean air. My lungs weren't quite sure what was going on having gone pollution cold turkey since leaving China.
And that was it. Three weeks in south-east Asia were over. Back to the grind. Back to inspiring English students. The next holiday can't come soon enough. Until then.
Bali is predominantly Hindu and throughout the island you will see small square woven baskets that contain offerings to the gods. The most common offerings include flowers and food. The local Mexican restaurant to our hotel offered chocolate churros and cigarettes.
This big-titted god is similar to Santa Claus in that on Christmas eve people put out milk and cookies for the big man and here people offer biscuits and cigarettes, but the main similarity is that neither of them really exist. At least the milk and cookies get consumed. These offerings are generally a waste of churros and fags.
There was a very first experience for Eunju during our time in Bali. She got to meet her very first Essex boy. He was friendly enough, and as we relaxed by the pool he told us his romantic tales on the island. His romantic tales didn't include chocolates and flowers but did include Jaeger bombs and Johnies. Eunju said she couldn't understand a word he said, luckily. When she got up to leave he pushed her in the pool. Eunju doesn't like Essex boys.
After a few days in the touristy region of Kuta, we headed for the less populous island of Gili Trawangan. A far smaller island east of Bali, so small in fact that there is no motorised transportation on the island. People get around by bicycle or by horse-drawn cart (from my experience Indonesian people really don't treat their horses very well. They always appeared dehydrated and injured. Eunju and I, therefore, decided not to use this means of transportation.) A bike is the best way to get around and we circumnavigated the island in about 30 minutes stopping to enjoy the view from time to time.
It is widely reported that the Gili islands are the best place to partake in snorkelling. Eunju said that she was keen to give it a try. This was a little surprising considering she can't swim, but if she was up for it then why not? With clear waters, marine life, and sea turtles living in the area I was sold. Looking back at that moment, I'm still trying to work out which of us was more foolish, the person who can't swim or the one who agreed to go with her.
Out on the open waters, it was great. The sky was blue, the wind blowing in our hair and the smell of petrol in our noses. We anchored and set off looking for sea turtles and we saw plenty of them! It was a bucket list moment to swim among them. I've had a love for turtles ever since I was a kid and was hooked on the crime-fighting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I had always wanted to see turtles in the wild and it was much nicer to see them in the Indonesian seas than in the sewers of New York.
We were back on the boat and were told that we would see some statues. I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but lo and behold there were sculptures in the deep which have become a hub for the marine life. The guides told us that due to the shallow waters they would anchor down a short swim from the statues. I'm not very good at judging distances, but it must have been about 40km (probably closer to 100m). Not too daunting for me, but for Eunju that was a marathon. That's when I realised the snorkelling trip was a mistake. After only a few metres she was exhausted, and it was up to me to rescue her. I dragged her body all the way while she complained. It took an eternity and all my willpower not to leave her behind. I kept on thinking to myself that a difficult conversation with her parents about abandoning their daughter would have been much easier than towing her to safety. I did the honourable thing, internally cursing her all the way to the boat. If Eunju ever wants to go snorkelling again I'll just put Blue Planet on for her.
She suggested going surfing the next day, so I told her to piss off.
 |
| This was post recuse. That's a fake smile. |
On our penultimate day, we decided to rent a scooter and explore the southern part of Bali. First, we headed for the Turtle Conservation And Education Center, a rehabilitation centre for injured turtles with drug addictions. They do excellent work of caring for them before releasing them back into the wild. I got to feed a few of them and I was overjoyed. I decided to name them all; Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Rafael, Leonardo 2, Donatello 2, Michelangelo 2, Rafael 2, Leonardo 3...I ran out of names pretty quickly.
 |
| That turtle isn't checking out my arse |
"You don't have an international driving permit, you'll need to go to court and will need to pay a lot of money."
He goes through this script every time and his delivery was hardly Oscar-worthy. I then gave my Tom Hanks-esque performance
"Oh no! The guy we rented from didn't mention anything about an international driving permit. I don't want to go to court. Is there another way to solve this?"
While flashing at 50,000 rupiah (£2.50) in his direction. The bribe worked and we were on our way again.
Uluwatu is pretty much the most southern point of Bali which boasts some of the most spectacular cliffs you've ever seen. They were as nice as the White Cliffs of Dover and much better than Richards.
We walked through the forest where the local monkeys hassled tourists for snacks. Echoing from the tannoy system was an announcement "please, do not feed the monkeys". Everyone ignored it and the monkeys were happy for it.
We made our way to the beach, but it wasn't quite what I was expecting. Uluwatu beach is signposted very well, so we thought we'd dip our toes. Little did we know, it is a surfers haven. You need to enter the beach by descending down a fair few stairs, before entering a cave. The surfers around us then headed for the water. It seemed incredibly dangerous. Luckily there was a viewpoint bar where from we enjoyed the spectacular view. The enormous waves crashed into the rocks below us, feeling the vibrations carry through the stone. This moment was improved with a very sour lemon juice.
On our way back we hit some unbelievable rush hour traffic. The journey was only a mere few kilometres, but it took an age. It was actually quite nice to be back among the petrol fumes as my body was struggling to cope with the clean air. My lungs weren't quite sure what was going on having gone pollution cold turkey since leaving China.
And that was it. Three weeks in south-east Asia were over. Back to the grind. Back to inspiring English students. The next holiday can't come soon enough. Until then.
