Walking and Gawking

Before coming to Korea I had one event in mind that I wanted to attend, that was the Korean Grand Prix. I’m not a huge Formula 1 fan but I have been to motorsport events in the past and I’ve had a blooming good time. I kept on thinking ‘how many opportunities will I get to attend the Korean Grand Prix?’ I know that particular race is towards of the end of the racing calendar but I was curious as to the exact date so I looked it up. A quick Google search returned nothing; it turns out that the FiA have withdrawn the Korean Grand Prix from the 2014 schedule. Bollocks! Are you serious?! The one year that I’m in Korea and the one thing I wanted to do has been cancelled.

So I’ve had to find other touristy things to do during my stay. The first excursion I took was to Namsan Tower. It’s a viewing tower, nothing major, but it’s iconic and visible across the city as you look at the Seoul skyline. I went with Josh and we met at Myeongdong station and decided to walk up the hillside to Namsan Tower, opting not to take the cable car. Worst decision ever. It didn’t look too high from the bottom but I’m pretty sure it’s the second highest mountain in the world, just smaller than Everest. Sensible people powered past us in their suitable hiking shoes while we struggled up the incline wearing Vans and Nike trainers. We stopped half way to catch our breath and then went for the summit.

On the way up we saw this building. This is a public toilet. It’s the greatest public toilet I have ever seen, it’s a far cry from the literal shit holes I have used at Reading Festival.

We made it to Namsan Tower and it was quite interesting. The Tower’s mascot is a brown bear. The odd thing was that the brown bear was being escorted around the base of the tower by a policeman, a genuine policeman. The bear would pose for pictures, scare children, and then the policeman would move him on. Maybe the policeman was there for the bear’s security, I like to think the man inside the bear suit was a habitual line-stepper. Using his adorableness to take advantage of people and the guys in the office had had enough of it and employed a policeman to stop him from doing so. I won’t write what I really think of the bloke inside the suit.

The view from the top was pretty good. We got there just as the sun was setting, we watched the sunset together. It was very romantic. 

Speaking of romance there was a game at the top of the tower, you would buy a plastic coin and you had to throw the coin into a well from a distance. It was supposed to be for couples, and if you get the coin in the well then your love is true. Another con, but never mind. This is a translated quote from their website “If you meet the love of your pond, make love! Love to put a coin in the pond gazebo heart is made to love you”. So Josh and I tried our luck at putting a coin in the pond gazebo heart. We both succeed, so I guess our love is true. We got some weird looks and laughs.

At the base of the tower they had another example of these love padlocks that I’ve talked about in a previous blog. The Koreans have fallen for it too. 

A few weeks later I visited the Bongeunsa Buddhist Temple. I had wanted to see a Buddhist temple when I was in Thailand but I didn’t get the opportunity so I was glad to visit one in Korea. I tried my hardest not to appear as a tourist, but no matter how much I try I will never quite fit in in Korea mainly because I’m not Asian. I think only Michael McIntyre and Jack Cassidy are the only white people that can pass for being Asian by sight alone.

I wandered around the temple grounds and entered a prayer room. I grabbed a cushion and sat quietly. People came in and prayed and I observed. Buddhists seem to have a different praying ritual than I have ever seen before, it starts; stand, crouch, kneel, place your head on the floor, stand, repeat. That’s too much effort for me. It looked more like an exercise video than a prayer. After they pray they then donate money at the front of the alter, because we all know with religion your prayers don’t come true unless you pay for it.

I continued my walk around the grounds and found an enormous Buddha. It was impressive, I know it’s not a competition but Christ the Redeemer is bigger.

A weird fact that I have discovered since being in Korea is that Buddhism shares it’s logo with Nazism. I never knew that. I kept on seeing the logo on the buildings and it just seemed unnatural to me. Although Buddhism probably had the logo first I think more people would recognise it as the symbol evil rather than good. I can’t believe that the top Buddhists around the world haven’t got together to create a new marketing campaign. “We don’t encourage hate, we only meditate”. They can have that one for free.

The temple was originally founded in 794 which blew my mind. I enjoyed walking around, there were some impressive buildings and as you looked into the distance you could see the tall skyscrapers of Seoul, a clash of traditional and modern Korea. There was one enormous building near the car park that no one really focused on, other tourists just passed by like it wasn’t impressive, I went to investigate and it turned out to be the staff room and cafeteria. Just shows how little I know.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone with what I’ve written in this article. I haven’t targeted Buddhism, it’s just what I noticed. I grew up in a Catholic household and there isn’t enough time to write about the imperfections of Catholicism. But anyway, I’m off snowboarding this weekend so I’m praying to all of the gods that I don’t break a leg.

Fishing Is Boring, Unless You Catch an Actual Fish, and then it's Disgusting

Here’s the story of, possibly, the most random weekend of my life. It all started normally, Friday came around and it was pay day! This was the second time since leaving the UK that I was able to tick something off the bucket list, this time it was becoming a multi-millionaire. ₩2,100,000. I was debating whether to mention how much I got paid as I remembered the advice of The Notorious B.I.G. “Rule Nobre Uno: Never let no one know how much dough you hold, cause you know the cheddar breed jealousy ‘specially if that man fucked up, get yo’ ass stuck up”. But then I remembered the advice of Big Sean “I done paid taxes, paid dues, paid bills my whole life. So I’mma throw money in the air like I’m tryin’ to pay the sky”. So I’mma make it rain.

I met James and Josh at 11pm and decided to go for a few beers. The night started off slow and didn’t get into the rhythm of things until it was about 2:30am and we all realised ‘Shit! We’re all still sober!’ So we headed for a Ho Bar, got a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a fruit platter. We somehow became celebrities for the night in Ho Bar, so many Koreans approached us chatting away like we were important. I was feeling confident and fancied trying my luck with some of the local ladies. I saw a pairing and convinced Josh to be my wingman. We went over and it started really well, after about 10 minutes it was apparent that the girl I was talking to hated me. I don’t know what I said or did to upset her but she hated me. I had to leave; I made an excuse and went back to our table. Josh came over and asked how it was going, and I explained. He told me that he was getting on really well with his one and asked if I could go back with him as he hadn’t quite sealed the deal yet. Being the good friend that I am (and a little protesting) I went back with Josh to the girls and struck up another conversation with the girl that hated me. “Alright, remember me?  I’m the guy you loathe and can’t bear talking to. So, come here often?”

We awoke Saturday afternoon and didn’t feel too bad. Josh crawled out of bed and searched for a cigarette from the night before and he was in luck, he had one left. He lit it and casually sat on the arm of the sofa fag and coffee in hand. Me, probably still drunk from the night before, saw a pair of socks balled up on the floor. I thought it would be mildly funny to kick the socks at Josh while he sat blissfully. I kicked the socks so sweetly, they lifted off the ground and cleaned out the cigarette, leaving just the fag butt in Josh’s fingers. I have never kicked something so cleanly (not that surprising if you’ve seen me play football). It was like Becks-Fergie-boot-Gate all over again. Josh was furious. “What the fuck, bruv?!” I couldn’t stop laughing. We picked up the afternoon where we left off on Friday night, with beers and Soju.

The infamous socks with cigarette burn.

We had decided to have a ‘chilled one’ on Saturday due to our big plans on Sunday. Josh wanted to buy a ukulele, I wanted a curry, while James met Susie for dinner and a movie, and we all decided to meet for a few rounds of bowling that evening. We headed into Seoul but Josh and I didn’t fancy eating too early so we postponed the curry. We looked for an instrument shop but did not find one. So to make up for our lack of accomplishments we went to a bar. We carried on drinking and before we knew it, it was 11pm. We met James and Susie and found out that there would be an hour and a half wait for a bowling lane so we stayed in the bar. No ukulele, no curry, no bowling, just beer. We achieved nothing on Saturday, that’s the sort of thing alcoholics do. The only difference is that we didn’t drive home and crash into Snappy Snaps. We did however have an early night and retired from the bar at 3am. Early by recent weeks’ standards.

The big day had arrived, our major weekend plans were to go to the Hwacheon Sancheoneo Ice Fishing Festival. I didn’t know what to expect from such an event other than ice and fish. We left Seoul early on the two-and-a-half-hour coach journey north to Hwacheon (only 20 miles or so from North Korea. I know, we’re bloody nutters!). Around Hwacheon is where the rivers freeze first in Korea so it was rather chilly. We rodded up and found a few holes in the ice. It was quite funny for a while, we were even dancing on the ice to the terrible power ballads the event organisers had put on for us. Then the novelty wore off. Thousands of people on a river, in the cold, on the last day of the festival trying to catch the non-existing fish. Due to the lack of activity it became very boring very quickly. Inuits had been ice fishing for hundreds of years for survival; we had done it for 20 minutes and were already moaning about it. My only aim for the day was to catch one fish, a single, tiny, little fish. Then some activity, I saw fish in my hole, near my lure. The hook teases were circling my lure but not biting! I remained patient but still no luck. One buggar was just next to my hook, teasing me but looked uninterested. I was very animated on the ice. “Just bite the bloody hook! What’s wrong with you?!” I could never be a fisherman; you need to be calm and patient, not me. I lost my temper and just yanked my line. The hook wedged in the side of the fish and I pulled it out! I caught a fish! Then I thought “Argh! I caught a fish, what do I do?!” it was like the scene in The Inbetweeners. I was panicking holding the fish at arm’s length not knowing what to do. James, my saviour, came over and unhooked it and eventually, after dropping it, popped it in a bag. I caught a fish! I explained my method to Josh and he pointed that I hadn’t really caught a fish, rather I had hunted a fish. Either way, I was happy. James caught a fish not long after, this time through more traditional methods of waiting for it to hook onto the lure and pulling it out.

We headed off the ice for some food and alcoholic beverages (it had been about 8 hours since our last drink). I had my first taste of Makgeolli. A milk-like alcoholic drink, not bad. We wandered around the festival and came across the stupidest idea on the planet. There was an opportunity to catch fish with your bare hands. People would wade into ice-cold water, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and submerge themselves trying to catch a fish. A ridiculous idea. Unsurprisingly, James was up for it and tried his best to convince Josh, Susie, and I to do the same! We all protested saying how stupid it was. We wandered over to enquire about James doing it and the organiser said because we are foreigners we could all do it for free. Thanks mate! Not only is that pretty racist but the ₩12,000 (£7) fee being waived was hardly a tipping point, it was hardly the bargain of the century! James’ nagging continued and he wore us all down and we caved. “OK, James. I’ll risk pneumonia if you stop annoying me”. We all thought it would be a good idea to sink a few Soju’s for courage and to form some sort of beer blanket, it helped… a little. We went into the changing rooms and took off the many layers of clothes that we had on to opt for shorts and t-shirts in sub-zero temperatures. We stepped outside and it was mental, ludicrous. We sat of the side of the ice pond and the organisers selected a few people to take the first plunge in front of the hundreds of spectators, and surprise, surprise muggins was chosen. He tried to drag me in but I insisted “one toe at a time!” I got in, knee-deep in water that a polar bear would say was nippy. All I could hear was an eruption of laughter from my “friends” behind me. The “volunteers” waded into the centre of the pond and the games started, the chap with the microphone announced that on the count of 3 that we should all start splashing each other. I was not amused. I walked away from the splashing nonsense. The organiser next announced that we would all join hands and fall backwards into the glacial drink, again an outrageous suggestion. He counted down and all of the naïve Koreans fell for it.

Time for the main event, everyone jumped in trying to catch the fish. Some cheeky bastard got one immediately and threw it down the back of my shirt, I squealed in horror! James was rather nifty with his hands and got one with ease. Josh, Susie, and I weren’t so good. I ran around the pond trying to avoid them. A Korean caught one for me and passed it to me, I held onto as my evidence for “trying”. It was 5 minutes of lunacy. Josh put a fish down his shirt and my trophy fish went down my front. Some people may say it’s cruel, and I agree, watching a foreigner with live fish down his shirt scream like a little girl is very cruel. The time was up and thankfully we were able to leave. James and I posed for the paparazzi, we even made the local news. The second time of the weekend I felt like a celebrity.

We dried ourselves off and changed into some sensible clothing. We carried on our wander and went to cook our catches. They had an enormous furnace that baked the fresh fish. 15 minutes later we were eating the fish we had caught, it felt very manly. Pretty much the first time I’ve ever felt manly. The trout was delicious, the meat fell straight off the bone. We tucked in to possibly 10 fish, and you know what goes really well with fresh fish? More Soju.

The journey back was long but rather enjoyable, a belly full of fish and feeling slightly buzzed. The end to a great weekend. I’m now suffering from a lack of sleep but at least I’ve got a few stories to tell. 

He Has No Enemies But is Intensely Disliked by his Friends

This Oscar Wilde quote reminded me of my friend Ben, the only difference being that Ben has plenty of enemies. I was lucky enough to have him visit from England over the past week or so.

Ben arrived on Monday and I met him in Cheers for a quick catch up and a few pints. He had just departed Sydney having also just met up with Ed and Amy, as well as a few other friends from our hometown of Bedford, so we had a lot to talk about. Josh and James finished work and joined us, unfortunately because of the distance between Ganseok and Kundae and due to my early morning classes I went home while the drunkards did what they did best. Josh, James, and Ben continued this custom for the week, I’m sort of glad I lived quite far away as an entire week of drinking would have been challenging.

To make up for not seeing Ben during his stay in Korea I met up with him on Friday afternoon. We had all planned on going out that evening so it was stated between Ben and I that we wouldn’t start drinking too early in order not to peak prematurely and would wait until later around the time that Josh and James were due to meet us. After an hour of boringly walking around Hongdae we decided that enough time had passed and we had our first drink around 16:00. Josh was not impressed when he arrived around 23:00 and Ben and I were considerably buzzed.  

It was the weekend that one of my many alter egos had struck again. The Tefl-on Don was his dynamic self, tagging Seoul with his motto. Drake has YOLO, I’ve got TnM.

Saturday morning/afternoon was a real struggle. Ben was adamant on going to the Coex Aquarium in Gangnam so we arranged to meet at 17:00 at Samseong Station, only 20 minutes from my home. Disastrously I was running late and arrived at the station at 17:30 only to go to the meeting point to discover that the guys weren’t there. I tried for a short while to message them to meet them at the aquarium but after as I didn’t receive a reply I thought the best thing to do was to go to the aquarium and hopefully meet them there. When I arrived there was no sign of them, I thought what great mates I have, I was only half an hour late and they’ve ditched me for the day. I bought a ticket and went into the aquarium alone, like I was Billy No Mates. I rushed around hoping to catch them, missing some of the exhibits only to make it all the way through and still be alone. What a great day. I walked back towards the station hoping to receive some sort of contact from them but before I did Ben and Josh appeared from the crowd from nowhere. I smugly asked them “where have you been then?!” It turned out that they were also late getting to the meeting point and when they received my message they headed straight for the aquarium. But due to their lateness they were in fact a few steps behind me along the way. So as I raced through the aquarium they were waiting for over an hour for me to arrive. When I didn’t turn up James even ran back to the station to see if I was still waiting there. What great mates I have! I felt a bit awkward, considering some of the things I called them as I walked around the aquarium. We went to the aquarium as a group and I got to see the sea creatures properly that time around.

 

One of the main reasons we went was that Ben really wanted to see the 3 enormous whale sharks that their website bragged so much about. We discovered that there were no whale sharks on display at this aquarium which Ben was not happy about; he hasn’t been nicknamed Miserable Ben for no reason.

The aquarium was fun, four lads making many terrible puns; often relating to crabs, beavers, and clams (you can insert your own here). 

It is quite harrowing to be so close to a predator even if there is a thick layer of glass between you. I always remember a piece of advice that if you ever find yourself in situation with an aggressive shark then you must punch them on the nose. I’m pretty sure that advice is for sharks… or children, I can never remember.

I always enjoy observing animals, from a safe distance. As unbelievable as some of the BBC documentaries are, they will never put into perspective how astonishing some animals are. The sheer size of a shark, the layers of teeth, and the movement of a fish as it effortlessly glides through the water so streamlined, truly incredible. As I thought this I realised that all of Korea is like an aquarium, there are fish tanks on every corner whereby you can pick out your fish and have it killed, gutted, and on a plate in 30 minutes. Koreans will eat almost anything so I started to think of the exhibition as less of an aquarium and more of a buffet for the locals.

They had a nice penguin display; they’re always fun to watch. It was nice to see that they were put in enclosures that are similar to their natural habitats which is apparently on the set of Spongebob Squarepants.

We headed to Kundae, went for a Korean barbeque and started the night. Our first time out in Kundae, variety is the spice of life and it was a really good evening. Around the area I had seen a bar called Bar Ireland Yuki, we went in but I couldn’t quite understand the relevance to the Emerald Isle. It was an odd place, the bar had hundreds of photos on the walls and ceilings of the staff. It was like a stalkers dream, the only thing missing was a message written on the walls in blood and faeces.

It was really good to see Ben for a few days, although it was a shame that I couldn’t have seen him more over his stay. Although, he’s here till Tuesday afternoon but with the snowfall today hopefully his plane is cancelled… only joking.

Eat Well, Travel Often

With new cultures comes new experiences and often the first way to submerge yourself into a new land is to tuck into the local cuisine. Before coming to Korea I had never tried Korean food. Chinese food has become a British favourite since one of the earliest migration waves in the 1950’s, and Indian food is even more popular as curry has been labelled a British classic along with bangers and mash, and fish and chips. But with only 45,000 Koreans living in Britain, as of 2011, Korean food has never been an available dining option, for me anyhow.

The first Korean food that I was introduced to was Kimchi. Kimchi isn’t a main course, it’s a side dish but it is probably the most famous Korean food. It is served with anything and everything, whether you order it or not you will receive kimchi. So you’re thinking that ‘this must be the best side dish ever, it must be so delicious that I must find the nearest Korean market and buy some?!’ Well, I probably wouldn’t go out of your way to try it. Kimchi is cabbage that is allowed to ferment in jars underground for a period of time, which is then served in a spicy/sour sauce. The Koreans love it, they will bulk buy it and have separate kimchi fridges which can contain a year’s supply of the stuff. I’ve tried it a few times but, for me it’s very average. There’s even a kimchi museum, there’s nothing at that museum that would ever entice me to go. At least at the Guinness Factory they give you the history of the drink, and then you get a pint of Guinness, but who wants complimentary fermented cabbage?!

The first meal that I went for on my own was difficult to say the least. I went for a walk looking for breakfast. I wasn’t fussy, I’d have settled for a coffee and a slice of toast, this I never found. Sure, many coffee shops but only bagels and waffles for sale. I managed to stumble across a Paris Baguette (like Greggs but not as good), just what I thought I was looking for. When I entered the shop I noticed no baguettes and more importantly no breakfast food, I settled for a slice of pizza and an apple pie at 9:30 in the morning. Things could only get better. 

I have tried many things whilst in Korea (most of which I have no idea what it was or called), but something that my taste buds recognised was a dish called pajeon. Pajeon is essentially a pancake filled with spring onion, it was really good. But the taste I was familiar with became apparent when I dipped the pajeon in soy sauce. When glazed in the sauce it tasted exactly like roast beef Monster Munch. I got a little taste of home when I ate that. Not my favourite flavour of Monster Munch by the way. Well, if you’re asking:

1.       Pickled Onion

2.       Flamin’ Hot

3.       Roast Beef

Noodles is the dish that I have eaten the most as it’s the only Korean food I can order when I’m on my own. I often become too reliant on Korean speaking friends to order for me and when I’m left to my own devices I end up with ramen. I tried to mix it up one day by ordering the cheese ramen. When it arrived it was standard ramen with a slice of processed cheese on it. Mmm, delicious. Korea doesn’t really do cheese, it’s a rarity. Some people can’t live without cheese, I’m not one of them, I’ve never craved it but even so you can’t advertise a cheese dish and then bring it out with a slice of processed plastic on it. 

As I’ve mentioned pretty much all the Korean food I’ve tried has been very nice, with the exception of one dish. Pat guksu. Puréed beans and noodles, when I had it the ‘chef’ added salt and sugar to the mix, I’ve since learned that you have one or the other – not both. It was disgusting; it was as bad as it looked.

My chopstick game has increased ten-fold. I was very much an amateur before I arrived but I’m getting pretty handy with them, just need the practise. It’s not quite like riding a bike though; if I leave it a couple of days without using them I forget the technique. What I don’t understand is that Asian people have seen knives, forks, and spoons but still persist with the chop-stick. When I first arrived I struggled so much that I went out and bought a knife, fork, and spoon and I carried them around with me in case of emergencies. I felt like Joey from Friends.

The school I work for were very accommodating during my orientation period, they offered breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for free which I was not expecting. The only downside to their generosity was all the food was vegetarian, maybe I shouldn’t grumble but there’s only so long I can last without real food. Ron Swanson describes vegetables as “the food that my food eats”. So a tradition was started on Friday 20^th December, 2013 – Chicken Fridays, an afternoon of only chicken and beer (a favourite Korean combination). Working for the SDA organisation our teaching schedule is done by midday on Fridays, so a few (non-vegetarian, alcoholic beverage drinking) teachers get together to celebrate the end of the working week.

Street food is very popular here, the closest thing we get to street food in the UK is a doner van (and no, I’m not talking about Kylie’s ex). Sometimes you’ll encounter something normal like a chicken shish kebab, basically chicken on a stick. It doesn’t sound that great but it really is, you get the choice of spicy or barbeque sauces and you apply the sauces using a paint brush. Other times it’ll be a little less normal, I’ve seen some blokes selling potatoes out of an old oil drum. The weirdest was a van selling crabs, I’ve got crabs in the back of a van before but not like this! An open van with whole crabs for sale, it was incredible, I’d never seen it before.

(Picture taken from Blog of the Morning Calm)

The markets are very interesting places too. They’ve got the standard fruit and veg for sale but no one shouting “pound ya bananas, two pand ya pears” (you’ll have to affect a cockney accent for that one). Then there are the things you don’t see in and English market. Fish are available in three stages in Korea; tanked, frozen, and dried, and dried is by far the strangest.

The tiny dried fish are served as a pub snack in the same way, crisps and peanuts are given out in bars in normal countries. I tried one of these little fish, it tasted very… fishy. A strong taste, exactly the kind of smell you want on your breath when you’re in a bar and talking to ladies. In future I’m going to bring my own pork scratchings.

The choice of snacks, most notably chocolate is very poor in Korea. I have a sweet tooth and often crave a chocolate bar, but the chocolate choices are minimal; Twix, Snickers and Ghana. Ghana is very average (it’s got a long way to go before it rivals Cadbury’s), I’m not too keen on Snickers, and I’m now bored of Twix’s. I’ve only been here for just over a month, it’s going to be a long year. I’m really craving some good chocolate. I question this country’s standards when, in the confectionary aisle they stock shrimp and wasabi coated peanuts but don’t have Haribo Tangfastics. If someone is feeling generous then please send me some sugary treats.

Speaking of home comforts I had my first cup of tea in seven weeks only a few days ago, and I mean the proper stuff none of that green tea nonsense. I paid about £4 for that cup of tea but it was definitely worth it. The strangest thing about it was that the tea came in a knitted tea bag, quite peculiar. Probably the classiest teabag I’ve ever seen.

The greatest food-related discovery I have made since I have been in Korea happened today. In England, around Christmas time people often struggle for gift ideas for people they hardly know, or for the office Secret Santa, and the last resort presents are often a gift set, usually wine or Lynx shower gel depending on your budget. But this gift set is by far the best and worst one I’ve ever seen. Yep, that’s a Spam gift set. You’ve really got to think very little of someone to get them a Spam gift set, and it’ll only cost you £20. Spam is genuinely terrible, there’s probably more nutritional value in eating the label than there is eating the “meat” inside the can. I don’t think I’d ever eat it. Paul Burrell popped a kangaroo testicle in his gob but I think he’d even draw the line at Spam. Amazing.

So, what’s my favourite food in Korea? This may make me sound a little narrow minded and that I should broaden my horizons but my favourite Korean food is a toasted sandwich from Isaac Toast. Yes, I’ve travelled to the other side of the world and my favourite meal is a toastie. They are so good. If you’re living in Korea and you’re reading this, get one. I used to think toasted sandwiches were pretty universal; bread, filler, bread. Isaac Toast do it so right, it’s magnificent. I go almost every day for lunch, I’m even thinking of packing in the teaching and opening an Isaac Toast franchise in England, I’d make a fortune.

So, that’s my food adventure so far. And before you ask – no, I haven’t had dog yet. One day though…

I Speak Two Languages, Body and English

I have come to Korea trying my luck at a job I have never done before, a profession that I’ve never really considered, with no idea as to whether I’d be successful at it. A good teacher requires; patience, a caring nature, and knowledge to impart, three qualities that I lack but I thought I’d give it a go anyway. As I write this blog I have just finished my first full week and this is my experience of it.

I was given my teaching schedule and I found out that I have drawn the short straw as I have 7am classes. So for my first day I awoke at 6am and I was out of my apartment by 6:30. I live in a very lively neighbourhood; close to a Konkuk University there are many pubs, bars, clubs, and restaurants along my commute to the school, which unfortunately for me are all still open at that time. People are out drinking, smoking, laughing and enjoying life which is not what I want to see as I walk to work so early on a Monday morning. There aren’t many people that have to walk through the Korean equivalent of the Zante strip on their journey to work, regrettably I’m one of them.

I was lucky enough to have some form of training before I was put in a classroom, the school I work for are generous in offering a two week orientation. Over that time I had learned the method of teaching but I still had no experience. So when my first class came around I was shitting myself but it really wasn’t that bad. I stuck to the methodology, made use of all the material the school offered, and if in doubt I went with the trustworthy “repeat after me”. If anything I actually found the adult classes to be quite enjoyable. Then the afternoon came around and it was time to teach the children. I thought teaching adults for the first time was being thrown in at the deep end but that was a toe-dip in comparison to teaching children. They’re pure bundles of energy that are a nightmare to control. The kid classes are difficult but they can be fun. I persevered and got through them, and then it was the turn of the teenagers. When Koreans hit puberty, they are just a mass of hormones, they’re so shy. They sit blank faced in silence, avoiding eye contact hoping that they won’t have to speak to answer a question and when they do they become low talkers. This is being thrown in at the deep end and having your head held under the water for 30-40 minutes at a time. Brutal. I hate the teenager classes because they scare me. I am more afraid of Korean teenagers than I am of the Taliban, the greatest threat to the western world. Let’s face it, the Taliban couldn’t even take down one Pakistani school girl, but the silent treatment you get from the teenagers is enough to make any man cave.

On my very first day of teaching I was still finding my feet and had many questions to ask. I was about to go into a classroom to teach a teenage class and I asked the co-ordinator about which section of the textbook I should teach to which she replied “we won’t be using that book this term and the new books haven’t arrived yet so just go and teach anything you want”, and then she walked away. What kind of advice is that to a brand new teacher?! Teach anything you want. With no preparation time and no material I went into the classroom, I decided to teach from that textbook anyway but I was asking them questions about text they couldn’t read and pictures they couldn’t see. The lesson became an endurance. Jerry Seinfeld once said “all human endeavour is killing time”, and teaching Korean teenagers English is the epitome of that, just running down the clock. (Two Seinfeld references in one blog, aren’t you lucky).

I’ve tried to think of ways to motivate these students to make my life easier, but there are only two ways that will actually get results, reward and fear. I’ve started offering/bribing the younger students sweets to get them to talk and it has worked, if it gets to the stage where that is no longer a motivation for them then I’ll start kidnapping their families and writing ransom notes in English. I bought a big bag of sweets and like most kids they only want the good flavours, so at the bottom of the bag were the coffee sweets that the kids didn’t want. I remember as a kid that I hated them too but I thought I’d have one and you know what, it wasn’t that bad. It was at that point in my life that my childhood was over at the age of 24. For most people it’s when they start to have more responsibility, when they get a mortgage or have children, my realisation was liking coffee flavoured candy. I knew that disappointing day would come eventually and now I realise I’m an adult. Depressing.

There are times when the kids can be a little overwhelming, trying to control eight six-year-olds but then I think to myself “I reckon I could take them” I could cause some serious damage to these kids, so what have I got to be worried about? The teenagers have their own problems, they often say something in Korean and then they all laugh which means they are laughing at me, but to be honest ever since I was a teenager I’ve been used to teenage girls laughing at me so it’s like water off a ducks back. You seem to get your favourites in your classes, some students make your life easier and others are there to test your ability not to hit children. Maybe these kids exist as a punishment for all the times I was a little shit at school, maybe I deserve it. Karma’s a bitch. Actually, you know what? I’m glad I was a nightmare student as a child, I’m pretty sure I would have misbehaving children regardless of whether I was well behaved at school or not. So for all the suffering I’m going through at the moment I’m glad I made some other teachers life a misery growing up. What’s that expression? Two wrongs make a right? Yeah, that sounds accurate.

I sometimes feel like I'm making a difference. When you teach someone something it does make you feel good but there are other times when you repeat yourself over and over again and it just doesn't sink in. No matter how many times I practise pronunciation it doesn’t really matter. I sometimes feel like I’m teaching a whole class of Ralphs.

Teaching as a whole hasn’t been as bad as I once feared. The adult classes are easy, they’re the ones that are paying their bill so obviously they want to make the most of their lesson time. Whereas the children and teenagers are forced to be there by their parents, so I don’t really blame them for not being the most focused. If I was sent to after school classes every day of my childhood I’d have been miserable too. The teenagers should be doing what the British teenagers are doing, taking drugs and getting pregnant. That’s the British way! They shouldn’t be in education, when has that ever helped anyone?

Those Who Have More Birthdays Tend to Live Longer

Finally got round to writing this one.

This was the first year that I had spent Christmas, New Year, and my birthday out of the country and away from my friends and family, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Christmas day fell on Wednesday, as I’m sure you’re fully aware, right in the middle of my orientation so it would have been inappropriate to have gone all out and celebrate Christmas as I would back home. Luckily, Susie and James were kind enough to host a Christmas meal and drinks the weekend before and a night out followed that evening in Itaewon.

James and Susie worked very hard preparing the meal, and all I did was turn up with beers. I offered to help with the cooking, but too many cooks and all that. I wasn’t expecting meat and gravy so early into my tenure in Korea so it was a delicious surprise.

After the meal we enjoyed many drinks, the drinking games provided the entertainment and then we headed out. I’ve never had such an adventure leaving a building before. Upon leaving Susie’s apartment, some bright sparks thought it would be a good idea to start jumping in the elevator. The elevator inevitably stopped which left us in a difficult situation, we were trapped. A perfect video opportunity if you ask me.

We were eventually rescued and we took the stairs.

The night out was great, and it was my first experience of the Itaewon region of Seoul which is famous for the number of westerners living in and around the area. One of the guys that was out with us, Alejandro, used his contacts to get us into every bar and club for free! I’ve never met a Korean named Alejandro before and I think it’s unlikely that I ever will again but he was pretty ballerific. The nights out in Korea never seem to end, they continue until the late hours of the morning which is good as the first subway train isn’t usually until about 5:30. Inevitably we all stumbled out of this particular club and as James, Josh, and Susie all headed back to Incheon I was going in the opposite direction to Hoegi. So I got the subway train alone, which seemed like a good idea but as I sat on the warm train I started feeling drowsy and I fell asleep. Predictably, I missed my stop and awoke somewhere unknown in northern Seoul at 7:00. I was freezing. I checked the map and had to wait for the returning train, about 15 minutes. It was the coldest I had known Seoul since my arrival in the country, too cold to just stand still. So I proceeded to run up and down the platform to keep warm, the Koreans on the opposite platform must’ve been confused watching the strange westerner run lengths as he waited for the train. It eventually arrived, and I finally got home somewhere around 7:30 and 8:00. I had planned not to waste the Sunday, and was going to go on an outing arranged by the school to a royal palace with the other teachers. Unfortunately, they were leaving at 10:00 and having just got in only 2 hours before I thought it would be best to stay in bed.

The big day came around, the 25^th of December, Santa’s birthday! Christmas, the time to be merry, rejoice with family and friends and get in the festive spirit! But I didn’t really feel that festive. South Korea doesn’t really do Christmas like the west. No decorations, only a select few Christmas songs (I lost count of how many times I heard Last Christmas by Wham!). They almost treat the holiday like a second Valentine’s Day. Couples will get together and do all the typical date stuff, going to the cinema, shopping, getting coffee etc. So I thought ‘why waste this opportunity?’ I had signed up on Plenty of Fish a few months back and had already organised a little get-together. My tagline is “Looking for my Seoul mate”, not bad, eh? So we had our first date on Christmas day. Her English was good, probably a Level 6, which was good for me because I know nothing. I’m an ignorant Brit that expects everyone else to know my language but had made little, actually no effort to learn any language skills. She was nice and we enjoyed pizza. Yes, while everyone else back home was eating turkey with all the trimmings I was having very average pepperoni pizza. ‘Tis the season.

New Year’s came round quick enough. We had no concrete plans for New Year’s, again, the Koreans don’t really celebrate this one too much either. I was told that they eat tteokguk (a rice cake soup which is eaten on New Year’s Day), they bang a gong at midnight, and children will bow to their elders and receive cash in exchange. Not the New Year’s I am used to. Tteokguk would only be drunk on New Year’s Eve in England if it had vodka in it and if you attempted a bow too late in the night you’d probably fall face first into the concrete. With this in mind my loose plan was to meet Josh, James, and Susie and see where the night took us.

As with most nights out in Seoul with this gang it took us to Hongdae, a part of the city with many pubs, bars, and clubs. The night started in an Irish joint called Shamrock and Roll. We did a bit of a pub crawl and the night was tainted with, what turned out to be, a terrible call from James. “There’s a place along here that does all you can drink sake”. After a few pints that sounded like a great idea. All you can drink sake for ₩12,000 (£7). Susie and James ordered, and the sake arrived… hot. Steaming in fact. I’d never done a hot shot before and I will, hopefully, never do one again. You’d never down a cup of tea, so why bring me hot sake?!

Susie made the wise decision to not get involved with the sake. James made another call “we need to drink at least 4 bottles of sake in order to get our money’s worth”. That’s an entire bottle each plus one more for good measure. Josh and I protested but it was to little avail, we had the 4 bottles and left.

We moved on to a few more places then things became a blur. I’ve had occasional flash backs but it’s like trying to piece together a 1000 piece jigsaw when you’ve only got 40 pieces. I remember Susie being worse for wear and James taking her home as Josh and I continued to “dance” the night away into the mid-morning hours. It finally came time to call it a night and we left for the station; it was only on the walk from the nightclub that I realised I didn’t have a coat. It was -5°C but it took me about 10 minutes to figure out that I wasn’t wearing the coat that I started the night in. Only one person knows what happened to my coat that night and it’s the person who now owns it. It was a good thing I was wearing my beer blanket.

As like most nights in Seoul, at the end of the night I part ways with Josh at the station as he heads west to Incheon and I travel east. I’ve started to notice a pattern, I’m not too good at travelling alone on the subway at night, as I unsurprisingly fall asleep. I boarded the train and was out like a light. When I woke up I had realised that I was travelling in the wrong direction, but I had travelled so far before realising this that it would have been quicker to stay on the train and continue on the loop than get off and backtrack. So once again I fell asleep. When I awoke I had missed my stop completely and had almost done an entire loop of the green line! Off I got, changed platforms and finally reached my destination at Konkuk University Station. I made my way home and crawled into bed between 9:30 and 10:00. A journey that should have taken 45 minutes ended up taking over 3 hours. Terrible by Korean standards but not too shabby by British rail measures.

I was unable to mong-out the next afternoon as I was to report to my new school at 14:30 to meet my colleagues. 3 and a half hours sleep isn’t enough after a New Year’s bender. I was wired on Red Bull and coffee, but I was honestly not in the mood to discuss term plans. I don’t think they noticed the hangover but if you can’t go out on combined New Year’s eve and birthday bash then when can you go out?! 

Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover

That is wonderful advice; you shouldn't prejudge something by its outward appearance alone, but I can’t speak or read Korean so the outward appearance of the country is all I have to go by!

When I arrived at my school they didn’t take me to my apartment straight away, they informed me that I would be spending the first two weeks living with the other new teachers which they described as the “settling in period”, which meant I was sharing an apartment with 5 other guys. This actually turned out to be really good, it gave us all an opportunity to meet new people, everyone felt welcome, and we created a small community between all of the thirteen new teachers (6 guys and 7 girls in the apartment below ours). Anyway, compared to staying in a hostel anything would have been nice. Hostels lack basic human rights, often unclean, unsafe, and living quarters that make you feel like you're staying in a battery farm. Also, some of the people that stay in hostels are just some of the worst, good-for-nothing slackers you’re ever likely to meet. I met one guy in Sydney who had been living in a hostel for over 18 months, he hadn’t worked a day in that time and sponged off his girlfriend, and yet I can’t get a girlfriend. Mental. I digress.

The Korean people were the first thing in Korea that seemed different to the norm that I had been accustomed with in England. Most seem to lack common courtesy, manners, and men spit in the street like it’s a casual thing to do (therefore abolishing the 10 second rule in Korea). No one will hold a door for you, and when you do offer the smallest gesture of good-will no one says please or thank you. Despite this the Korean people aren’t being rude; it has been explained to me that saying ‘thank you’ is assumed and people are coarse because it’s their culture. Often an old man or lady will barge through you in a busy market or station purely because the shortest distance from them to their destination is through you, and as they are more senior you must respect them and move out of their way. It’s just the way it is out here.

Another peculiarity that will be obvious to all foreigners in South Korea is the constant threat of road dangers. Motorcycles will relentlessly ride on the pavements, they have the right of way on the footpaths and roads. When I saw first a motorbike on the pavement I just thought it was some nutter who did what he wanted, but in fact it’s the entire country that drives like this. There are no official designated street parking spots in Seoul either so cars will also mount the walkways to park. As a pedestrian, nowhere is safe. Then there’s jaywalking, it is illegal to jaywalk in Korea, but there are often no pavements, which means you have to walk in the road, it makes no sense.

Speaking of the lack of safety I observed some building work that was occurring outside our apartment. No hard-hats or hi-visibility jackets in sight, but that was the least of their problems. This particular day they were throwing bricks off the 5th floor of a building into an open top truck on the ground. That seemed like a good idea, throw heavy items from great heights near passing pedestrians. Like I said, nowhere is safe. Some bricks would land in the truck, some would land in and bounce out, and others would miss completely. There was one bloke at the bottom who had the job of collecting the stray bricks, I'm assumed he was the apprentice. 

On occasions the public are cared for, take this for example. 

These are class cabinets which enclose gas masks, sometimes referred to as "nation masks". These are to be used in the event of chemical warfare. Aren't the government kind, supplying 60 nation masks on each platform to the 6.9 million daily riders of the Seoul Metro network.

Seoul is a dense, thriving city of flashing lights. Every corner you turn there’s another flashing neon sign. It can be mesmeric. As most of the signs are in Korean I often ignore the text and just absorb the pretty colours. But there have been signs that I’ve stopped at and just thought “what?!” Like these two for example…

Kissing Girls makes you look LOVELY and To Me you ARE PERFECT. I’m not sure why they have used the capital letters, but more importantly these are clothing and shoe shops, the names of the shops would hardly encourage anyone to step inside and have a browse. I don’t really know if these were the desired names for the shops or if they are the result of poor translation, either way I’m happy that they exist.

Some of the signs are wonderful, you go from the misunderstood to the quite incredible. This is a sign for a Korean restaurant. They went all out.

The Korean fashion is another strange one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Gok Wan, down the years my wardrobe has consisted of (mostly) football shirts and sale items from Topman so maybe I shouldn’t be one to judge but the ‘designer labels’ out here are tragic. It’s like they haven’t moved on from 1994, brands that you haven’t heard of in 20 years and they’re still popular. Brands you wouldn’t be seen dead in back in England; Kappa, Gola, Hi-Tec, Mizuno, Fila, Le Coq Sportif, Asics. They still sell over here! I don’t want to ruin the 90s for the Koreans but Take That split up and Bill Clinton gets a blow job. Move on.

Some things that are marvellous in Korea are the elevators, you can unclick the button. No need to stop at the wrong floor after pressing the wrong button by mistake, just unclick it. It stops stupid teenagers from pressing all the levels and then running away, because that’s only funny when you do it to someone else. Another thing that is great is the service at restaurants. All tables have door bells on them, when you want to summon the waiter/waitress for service you ring the bell and they come over. You can get their attention without having to awkwardly raise your hand or inconveniently stop them when they have already noticed and ignored you. It’s a fantastic idea. The best place I have seen one of these door bells was on the inside of a cubicle in a public toilet. We’ve all been there, sat down then realised there’s no paper, not such an issue in your own home as you waddle to fetch some yourself. But if that situation occurs in a public toilet then you’ve got to have that awkward conversation with the person in the next stall. Not in Korea though, you ring that bell and everyone in the building knows you didn’t check the toilet roll supply before you sat down to have a shit. Yes, much better.