The Italian Football Tour: Part 3 - Sassuolo to Bergamo (via San Marino)

Note: It’s hard to write a piece retrospectively, especially as these events took place eight months ago. Little did I know that when I left China for England and Italy that I would be unable to return for three quarters of a year. I find myself now in a hotel room in Guangzhou, China serving my two-week quarantine reminiscing about a time when Coronavirus hadn’t gripped Italy (and the rest of the world) and caused major destruction to lives and economies globally.

Sunday 19th January 2020
Brescia Calcio 2-2 Cagliari Calcio

The game in Lombardi took place on Sunday. With Italy being a religious country all cafes, restaurants, shops were closed. I’d spent the past 2 years in China where everything is open 24/7. Granted it’s much more convenient, but the workers have no rights there, so swings and roundabouts. 

Brescia is another one of those teams with a cult following. They haven’t had won much with their greatest honours a series of Serie B titles. They have notoriety because of their former players, which boast Andrea Pirlo, Luca Toni, Gheorghe Hagi, Roberto Baggio. Their current star is the controversial Mario Balotelli. Balotelli almost needs no introduction, a player that some would argue has wasted his talent, a lazy trainer, but whenever he’s around there’s always drama. For today’s game he’s on the bench, but at least I get to watch Alfredo Donnaruma (Gianluigi Donnaruma’s brother).

Quiz Question 1: What shirt number does Mario Balotelli wear? (An extra point if you know the reason.)

Today’s opposition is Cagliari, a team with a bunch of racist supporters, so I’ll be supporting Brescia today. The stadium is a bit make-shift. The entire thing looks like a temporary structure made of scaffolding poles which have been erected hours before the game. I mingle amongst the Brescia faithful and my nose fills with the smell of weed and my eyes are blinded by the sun. There are a few throwbacks to stadiums of the past that I’ve only ever seen on TV at World Cups in South America or at Italia 90. The players emerge from an underground tunnel and the coaching staff take their positions on the sunken bench.

The game begins and the atmosphere starts to build. The Italians always seem a little more classy than their British counterparts. The chants begin and they seem to be sung to a sombre classical piece as they all sway and sing gently. In England, they sing songs to the tune of Emmerdale or Heartbeat. 

The game is a bit of a rollercoaster as racist Cagliari take the lead before Brescia come back with two goals from Torregrossa and finally Cagliari snatch an equaliser. In the 74th minute, Mario Balotelli is introduced as a substitute. After many years of trotting around Europe, he has finally returned to play for his hometown club. However, it isn’t long before he is shown a red card in the 81st minute. He managed just 7 minutes before his dismissal. Like I said, there’s always drama when Mario’s around. The game concludes 2-2.

Quiz Question 2: Which player holds the Premier League record for the fastest red card?

I’m absolutely famished after the match and I meander around town looking for something to eat. Sunday is not the day for this. I thought Italy would have caught up with the rest of the world in rising consumerism. I thought Sunday would be a prime day for restaurants to get customers in and that they’d be lassoing me in with spaghetti to eat at their establishments. In the end, I had to settle for a McDonald’s. Given the delights in cuisine, the Italians have to offer I was wasting one of my limited meals in the country on American fast food. All around Italy I have sampled some incredibly delicious food. In fact, I could move here for the wine alone, add the food and the Sambuca and I’m sold!

Quiz Question 3: Which American did Juventus sign on loan from Schalke in the summer of 2020?

Monday 20th January, 2020
Atalanta 1-2 SPAL

This was possibly the game I was most excited for out of the six games. Atalanta have become a revelation in the past two seasons. Last year they managed to defy the odds and qualify for the Champions League above giants of Italian football like AC Milan, Roma, and Lazio. This season, they have again surprised everyone by finishing 3rd again and also making it to the quarter-final of the Champions League playing an exciting, attacking brand of football. They score goals for fun and know they have the ability to outscore the opposition. 

The game was scheduled for the evening, which gave me an entire day in Bergamo. What a lucky boy I was because it’s fucking beautiful. After a while, some of the other towns became a bit samey, but the beauty of Bergamo outweighs all the others on my trip. 

As I meandered around town treating myself to coffee and tiramisu every 20 minutes, I saw a camera crew filming in the main square. I noticed it was the Copa90 lads filming their latest edition of Derby Days for their Youtube channel. They were filming the promo for the upcoming Derby di Bergamo between Atalanta and Brescia. (Due to the Coronavirus pandemic, the game was delayed, no fans were allowed in the stadium, and the game finished 6-2 to Atalanta.) I managed to speak to the lads and get a selfie like a true fanboy.

Fast forward a few hours and it was game time. Again, I was there early to get my ticket and asked the ticket booth seller for the Curva Nord. I’m not sure if they had sold out, but the guy just gave me a look that suggested I’d get eaten alive. I had to settle for the opposite stand. 

The stadium is currently under renovation as Atalanta plan to remodel each stand over a 4-year period. In its current state, the stadium looks like a mismatch of different designs. The north stand was the first to be redeveloped and was new and modern, the east and west stands had a kind of art deco design to them, while the south stand was a shallow bowl without seats, just concrete steps.

I found a spot in the south stand on the concrete steps and sat to rest my leg as I’d been walking all day. All the other games had been in the afternoon and I’d enjoyed the warm sun, but the evening was cold and sitting on the concrete steps sucked all the warmth out of my body through my anus. 

The game kicked off, the crowd began to make noise and I managed to forget about the cold for the next 90 minutes. The game is slow and Atalanta aren’t producing the football I was expecting. Atalanta managed to score 98 league goals in 2019/20 (22 more than the eventual champions) and only lost 6 games. I managed to see one of these defeats. SPAL, the bottom team in the division (who managed only 5 wins all season and had a goal difference of -50) managed to triumph on the day and defeat Atalanta 2-1. Just my luck. 

Quiz Question 4: Who were Atalanta's top Serie A goal scorers for the 2019/20 season?

The defeat in the most anticipated game was a bit disappointing, but overall it was the perfect week. The people I met along the way were pleasant (I’ve been telling everyone that the Italians are the rudest I’ve encountered for the past ten years since my trip to Bologna, which I now feel bad about.) But what more could I ask for? Good food, good wine, football every day. If I won the lottery, this is exactly what I’d be doing. 

On a final note, I’m proud of the progress I made with my leg. When I was leaving England I was debating whether I should bring the crutches with me. I wasn’t totally confident that I had healed enough, but it was the push I needed. I managed to hobble around for a few weeks without them and I could feel the difference each day, it was the rehab I needed. It was a fantastic way to begin 2020, especially after 2019 had been such a car crash of events (little did I know how the rest of the year was to turn out.) I managed to tick something off my bucket list and up next is a trip to the Philippines for a friend’s wedding. I’m a luckily individual when my legs aren’t breaking. 

Quiz Question 5: Which Premier League players have suffered broken legs? (Bit of a morbid question, but I couldn't be bothered to think of another.)

Quiz Question Answers:

1. 45 - At Inter Milan, he scored 4 goals in his first 4 games wearing 45 and he thought it brought him luck. Not much luck at Liverpool though.
2. Kieth Gillespie - after being brought on as a substitute, he was shown a red card after 12 seconds. 
3. Weston McKennie
4. Duvan Zapata and Luis Muriel - both with 18
5. Aaron Ramsey, Eduardo, Abou Diaby, Djibril Cisse, David Busst, Luc Nilis, Hatem Ben Arfa... (there are probably more)

Is San Marino Famous For Anything Other than Being Shit at Football?

Note: It’s hard to write a piece retrospectively, especially as these events took place eight months ago. Little did I know that when I left China for England and Italy that I would be unable to return for three quarters of a year. I find myself now in a hotel room in Guangzhou, China serving my two-week quarantine reminiscing about a time when Coronavirus hadn’t gripped Italy (and the rest of the world) and caused major destruction to lives and economies globally.

My goodness, it's been a whirlwind of a trip so far. I'm a little over 3 days in Italy and I've seen 3 cities and 3 games. However, on the Friday there was no game scheduled, could you imagine my horror? So, what to do with my free day? I decided to head to San Marino. 

I knew absolutely nothing about this country. The only times it's come into my existence is when England have had to play ridiculous international qualifying games against them. We've played them 6 times down the years winning every game, scoring 37 goals and conceding 1. That one goal conceded became infamous. England had to beat San Marino by 7 goals in a qualifier for the 1994 World Cup in the USA. England conceded after 8.33 seconds (a World Cup record to this day) and went on to win 7-1. The scoreline wasn’t enough and England imploded all because of some electronics salesman from the micronation. 

When am I ever going to be in the area again? I still knew nothing about the culture or history of the country so it was time to investigate. I may have only been three-years-old when that game took place, but I drove the 200km journey full of resentment.  

I left Parma and stopped off in Remini along the way. It seemed like a perfect spot for a cup of coffee, but to be honest it looked nicer on Google Images. I parked up the car, paid €1.20 parking fee and walked around the town and to the beach. The day before I had done the same but still managed to get a parking ticket. As the time on the ticket was running down, I realised that I wouldn't be able to make it back in time as my leg hindered my speed. I was hobbling as fast as I could, but time was running out. I had to get in a taxi and pay €7 to get back to the car in time. Bloody expensive considering the beach was a bit shit. 

As shit as Remini was, San Marino was fantastic. I drove up to be peak to the Guaita Tower. What a dream spot! You can see for miles all around you. I just felt sorry for the poor bastards that had to build the castle at the top of the hill. 

I parked up the car and looked at the hill I had to climb to get to the castle. My leg had been playing up that day, so I threw back a few painkillers and off I went. The pills really worked as I felt I could run up the hill. It was the first time I was walking about without any pain. I still had a feeling though I was doing damage that I would regret later that day, just because I couldn't feel it then doesn't mean I wouldn't feel it later. 

San Marino was country number 40 for me, only 155 to go. To be fair I have no intention of going to them all. My lifetime ambition is 100, but there are large parts of the world that I'm not that bothered about visiting. 

So after visiting, I've got some facts for you. The country was founded in 301 AD by Marinus the Dalmatian. He was a Christian stonemason who was fleeing the persecution of Christians by Roman Emperor Diocletian. Not even dogs were safe from crucifixion. 

Have you ever wondered what their national anthem is? Britain has 'God Save the Queen, San Marino has 'Inno Nazionale della Repubblica,' which translates as The National Anthem of San Marino. Very creative.

The Italian Football Tour: Part 2 - Turin to Sassuolo

Note: It’s hard to write a piece retrospectively, especially as these events took place eight months ago. Little did I know that when I left China for England and Italy that I would be unable to return for three quarters of a year. I find myself now in a hotel room in Guangzhou, China serving my two-week quarantine reminiscing about a time when Coronavirus hadn’t gripped Italy (and the rest of the world) and caused major destruction to lives and economies globally. 

Thursday 16th January, 2020

Parma Calcio 1913 0-2 A.S. Roma

From Turin, I headed south 246km east to the small town of Parma.

I've been in Italy for about 3 days or so and I've really struggled with the language. Prior to my arrival, I had been listening to some basic Italian podcasts. The problem was that I'm shit at learning languages so forgot everything. The only word I remembered was "perfetto", which was no help at all as every language exchange I had was far from perfetto. I learned "uno rosso vino" and that was enough to get by.

Three days of sightseeing in Milan, Turin and Parma and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of this architecture. It's all a bit samey, which is lovely but how many pictures do I need to take of magnificent churches, cathedrals, and grand theatres? Those cobbled streets don't help either. Who are they for anyway? They are a pain for mothers with prams, cyclists and me, the disabled. Tarmac over the lot, I say.

It was time for the game and it was a big one, The Gervinho Derby. Parma Calcio 1913 were hosting AS Roma in the Coppa Italia. Unfortunately, Gervinho wasn't in the squad, which was disappointing as he was an icon at The Emirates, nor was Henrikh Mkhitaryan. That made 5 ex-Arsenal players that could have played in the 3 games I'd seen (Alexis Sanchez, Aaron Ramsey, Wojciech Szczęsny, Gervinho, and Henrikh Mkhitaryan) all of which could still probably get in the Arsenal starting XI (maybe not Gervinho, but we can stick him at left back as we haven't got a fully fit one at the moment).

Quiz Question 1: Chris Smalling currently represents AS Roma, but which other Englishman also played for Roma (who was most famous for a team photo while playing in the Italian capital)?

I'd sat in the home ends for the Inter and Juventus games and was trying to decide which team to support this evening. I did a little research online and discovered that Parma have changed their name 8 times in their history. That's even more name changes than Snoop Dogg. If they can't even decide on their name, how am I supposed to get behind them? I opted for Roma, went to the ticket counter and then remembered language was necessary. I went with "Roma uno," the ticket lady must have looked at me like a complete mong. 'Yeah, obviously we're playing Roma, which stand do you want a ticket for?' She said something in Italian, I bottled it and just said Curva Nord. I guess I would be supporting Parma that night.

Have you ever heard those loud bangs that occur during an Italian game on TV? I always wondered what they were and then I experienced one. BANG! Out of the fucking blue! Jesus have mercy on me! It was terrifying. It happened mere metres from me, I still don't know what caused it, but it certainly caused a mess in my pants.

Quiz Question 2: Which 3 players have Chelsea purchased from Parma?

Chris Smalling is living life here after being loaned out to AS Roma from Manchester United. He was absolutely ridiculed in England for his relatively poor performances. Yet in Italy, a country known for its defensive organisation, he is considered one of the better defenders in the league. In this particular game, he kept a clean sheet while his Man Utd bestie, Phil Jones, got absolutely rinsed time and again by Kevin de Bruyne. It's no wonder Italy is becoming a sanctuary for former Man Utd players.

Parma became everyone’s favourite Italian team in the 90s. A small team with almost no previous success took on Europe and won. They triumphed by winning three Coppa Italias and four European trophies. They had the likes of condom mogul Faustino Asprilla, the second best Baggio, a youthful Gianluigi Buffon, Ballon d’Or winner and modest-height-for-a-centre-back Fabio Cannavaro, Florida Man Hernan Crespo, political activist Lilian Thuram, and silky-midfielder-but-not-so-much-in-the-Premier-League Juan Sebastian Veron. After many controversies, insolvencies, bankruptcies, and the like, the club sits comfortably in mid-table, but far from any 90s styled resurgence. They lost to AS Roma 0-2.

I returned to my rental car to find a parking fine on the windscreen. I was rather irritated by this as I had paid (although not displayed.) I had used the local parking app (that was clearly signposted on that particular street) to pay my fee of €2.50 and thought nothing of it. When I called the company to complain and state that I’d used the app, they said that the app wasn’t available for that district (or some bullshit). They were happy to refund me the €2.50, but I would be responsible for paying the €40 fine. Cheers.

Quiz Question 3: Which footballer got a £406 parking fine after leaving his Porsche in a train station car park for months?

Saturday 18th January, 2020 

U.S. Sassuolo Calcio 2-1 Torino F.C.

That was the end of the Coppa Italia action and the weekend league games were up next. Not too far from Parma, in the town of Reggio Emilia, is U.S. Sassuolo Calcio who were hosting Torino. Sassuolo are a team with minimal history. They were playing in Serie C1 and B a little over 10 years ago. Torino on the other hand, boast incredible past success with their team of the 1940s known as the Grande Torino. They won 5 Serie A titles back-to-back and their squad formed the Azzuri (the Italian national side). Their success was cut short due to a plane crash which killed their entire squad after a game in Portugal. Torino have never been able to replicate the same kind of success and now trail behind giants and neighbours, Juventus. 

Quiz Question 4: Which player did Torino President Urbano Cairo say this about “We probably didn’t expect so many mistakes from an England international, but he did some good things, too.”?

I couldn't see much of the town as it pissed down with rain all day. The game wasn't until 6pm so I had a lot of time to kill. There's only so much coffee you can drink.

I made my way to the MAPEI Stadium. From the outside it's an absolute shithole, the inside isn't so bad. The stadium is actually built on a shopping centre. On my travels in Italy, I've only seen the quaint, historic towns, with beautiful people serving espresso and wine. That wasn't the case for the mall under the stadium. It was as like any British small-town shopping centre with Italian JD and Primark equivalents.

Quiz Question 5: Which tabloid obsessed footballer often shops at Primark?

The game included a peach of a goal, probably the best goal I’ve seen live. Jeremie Boga nutmegs a Torino player before curling it in the top corner. It’s just a shame that he used to play for Chelsea. And speaking of players who formerly played for clubs I despise, Iago Falqué and Vlad Chiricheș were on the benches but didn’t enter the field most probably because of their associations with Tottenham Hotspurs. 

Quiz Answers: 

1. Ashley Cole

2. Gianfranco Zola, Adrian Mutu, Mario Stanic

3. Jermaine Pennant

4. Joe Hart

5. Raheem Sterling

The Italian Football Tour: Part 1 - Milan to Turin

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Well, for me it's be South America for a football tour, but Jesus, that's far away. Luckily Ryanair do cheap flights to Italy, so it's a decent alternative. I looked at the fixtures and realised, with the midweek cup fixtures, I could take in 6 games in just over a week. Which single manchild who loves football wouldn't do that?

(As this is a football themed edition, I'll be including quiz questions.)

Quiz Question 1: Which teams made it to the final of the 2019 Coppa Italia?

Tuesday 14th January, 2020

Football Club Internazionale Milan 4-1 Cagliari Calcio

Things didn't go according to plan from the start. I had ordered a car and had planned to be driving around the northern Italian countryside in a Fiat 500, looking and feeling as suave as Andrea Pirlo. Instead, I got a Kia which made me feel out of place like Ashley Cole in a Roma team photo.

I arrived in Milan late, so all I wanted was dinner and bed. I had pictured a pasta dish and a glass of red, but the only restaurant I could find within hobbling distance from my hostel was a Peruvian restaurant. This wasn't the Italian adventure I had in mind.

Luckily, I was in for the worst night sleep I've ever had. In the hostel, I shared a room with 2 snorers, another who listened to music through headphones loud enough for me to sing along with, and an Italian who talked/shouted in his sleep. From 11pm until 2am I laid in bed as the loud snores filled the room, I tapped my foot along to the lyrics of Fatman Scoop and the fella above me would shout "Polizia! Polizia!" followed by more Italian that I couldn't recognise. I attempted to block out the noise by putting in my earphones, which worked somewhat but not effectively. I just couldn't sleep with them in. It was uncomfortable, just like putting in a buttplug and expecting to get a solid 8 hours in.

At 3:30am an alarm went off and the music man arose to pack his case and head off to the airport. For some reason he decided not to pack his case before he went to bed just to ensure more late night disruption.

Quiz Question 2: Romelu Lukaku has scored 14 goals in his first 18 games for Inter Milan. Who previously held the record for Inter with 13 in 18?

Milan is the fashion capital of Italy. It's the hub for all the luxury brands. If you're into shopping, you're in the right place. However, I was there for football and hardly fit in wearing in my Beijing Celtics hoody and wooly hat.

I first visited the Duomo Di Milano and the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. Two of Milan's hot spots which took about 8 minutes to walk around. My leg is still on the mend so I was cautious about overdoing the sightseeing. A visit to San Maurizio al Monastero Maggiore would have suited someone with Christian virtues, but not so much for me. The paintings of torture were quite impressive though. I managed to kill the rest of the afternoon as I waited for the main event.

I made my way to the San Siro with plenty of time to spare. I was desperate for the toilet so went into the first bar/restaurant I can across which happened to be a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a pizza in a Chinese restaurant (so you know it was good) and I ordered in Chinese. It demonstrates how little Italian I speak if I opted to speak Chinese.

The Giuseppe Meazza was beautiful at night. When I walked to the stadium there was a mist in the air which made the arrival all the more romantic.

Quiz Question 3: The San Siro is home to A.C. Milan and Inter Milan. Which other club has used the stadium for their home European fixtures in 2019-20?

So many great games have occurred here, Arsenal's 1-5 win in 2003 against Inter comes to mind when Thierry Henry scored a hat-trick. Arsenal's 0-2 win against Milan in 2008 where Cesc Fabregas scored a 40-yard screamer comes into the reckoning. Another one was in 2018 in the Europa League round of 16 when Arsenal drew Milan. Massimiliano Mirabelli, Milan's sporting director said "I’m sorry for Arsenal, who I'm sure would have liked to have continued in Europe." Arsenal won 5-1 on aggregate.

It's truly a shame that they will be knocking the stadium down to rebuild a new modern stadium. I love the older 'run-down' stadiums so much more than the new modern ones. Maybe it's because I'm an Arsenal fan that I link their old ground, Highbury, with better days. Highbury was the first stadium I visited, Ian Wright scored a hat-trick at my first game, and to me it was a beautiful place. The Emirates is beautiful in a different way, but it still hasn't become a home because it hasn't amassed enough history yet. Sure, there have been a few. The great win over Barcelona in 2011, or Henry's goal against Leeds 2012, or the numerous thrashings of Spurs, but it's still not the same.

Maybe other supporters like the moves to modern stadiums, but I'm not one of them.

Inter won 4-1 with Romelu Lukaku scoring after 21 seconds. The game was over by that point. The real drama started when I tried to get back to the hostel. Despite their website stating otherwise, the Metro was closed by the end of the game. I didn't have any cash on me as no ATMs allowed me to withdraw any cash from my Chinese bank card. As I stood assessing my options a tram pulled up alongside the metro station. I jumped on it ready to play the old foreigner card "sorry, no Italiano." I blended into the crowd like Jason Bourne ready to obliterate anyone who came near me.

Wednesday 15th January, 2020

Juventus F.C. 4-0 Udinese Calcio

After a meander around Turin in the afternoon, I made it to The Juventus Stadium as the sun was setting. The mountains in the background and the pink sky made a great backdrop for an evening kick-off.

Quiz Question 4: Only 3 Englishmen have made first-team appearances for Juventus. William Jordan (1948-49), Stephy Mavididi (2018-19) and which other player?

The stadium itself was a major disappointment. The stadium only has a capacity of 40,000 or so (which for Juventus is incredibly small) and cost a mere €155m to build...and you can tell. It's not as if they can't afford it, they are one of the richest teams in the world in terms of revenue and are backed by the Agnelli family who also own FIAT. They spent €117m on a 33-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo for goodness sake!

The teams were released for the Coppa Italia game against Udinese. Ronaldo wasn't playing, but more annoyingly neither were Aaron Ramsey nor Wojciech Szczęsny! I was expecting a hat-trick from Rambo and a hat-trick of assists from Szczęsny. Was I not annoyed that Ronaldo wasn't playing? Not really, I've already seen him play. It was in 2005 when Manchester United played Peterborough United at London Road in Barry Fry's Testimonial, so not bothered.

I did get to see a true legend play that evening, Gianluigi Buffon. An actual legend of the game, not a legend like Nicklas Bendtner is a legend. His statistics and honours list speak for themselves and is in a calibre of players alongside Gordon Banks, Dino Zoff and Neville Southall. Buffon didn't actually make a save throughout the game, but the way he patrolled his area was sublime.

Quiz Question 5: Gianluigi Buffon has made over 1,000 professional appearances. Which 4 goalkeepers have made more than Gigi? (Hint: two Englishmen, one Brazilian, one Spaniard)

Juventus dominated the game from start to finish winning 4-0, they hit the woodwork twice and had a goal ruled out through VAR (the game's gone). I was stood in the Curva Sud with the Juve Ultras and they were in a jubilant mood. Here's a little fact for you, the Juventus fans love a bit of weed. And by a bit, I mean shitloads. The lads were blazing through the stuff quicker than the bush fires in Australia. After 90 minutes I felt higher than Ross Kemp.

Two games in and 9 goals. Who said Italian football is boring?









Answers:
1. Atalanta vs Lazio (Lazio won 2-0)
2. Christian Vieri
3. Atalanta
4. David Platt
5. Peter Shilton, Rogerio Ceni, Iker Casillas, and Ray Clemence

What's the Biggest City in the World?

In all the years I've been travelling, flying around the world most flights have been rather trouble-free. I've had the luxury of an almost empty plane from Istanbul to London and I've had the earsplitting flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing next to a screaming baby. It's the luck of the draw.

My flight from London Luton to Dublin, however, may have been one of the worse. I was sat beside a monster of a man. Big, fat and of course he had B.O. Of all the Lynx Africa gift sets handed out on Christmas Day, he didn't get one of them. Being home over Christmas I had noticed that I'd put on a few pounds, but sat next to this chunky lad I felt like a slender catwalk model. At the time I felt guilty about second helpings on Boxing Day and helping myself to the tin of Quality Street, but beside him, I felt like I needn't have. He was also sat in the middle seat with me squashed against the window. When we took off the chap sat in the aisle seat moved to free up a seat, but he never moved up. I remained squashed against the window for the duration of the flight. Thankfully it was just a 40-minute flight.

"Why is it I get the same luggage allowance as a guy who’s 40 stone? We’re both allowed to carry 32 kilograms on the plane. I want to go 'no, he used up his 32 kilograms on his tits!'"

Ricky Gervais

I was mainly in Dublin to catch up with some good friends. Joe, who I've known since year 3, and his girlfriend Aisling. They came out to visit me in Beijing, the least I could do was get a £12 flight while I was home. And Susie, my drinking buddy from Korea. We all caught up on Friday night with a Guinnesses (is that the correct plural or is it Guinnees?)

Aisling not pictured

The following day I dragged Aisling and Joe to the Whiskey Museum for a tasting tour. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but as neither Joe nor Aisling like whiskey I can't help but feel a little bad. It was an informative tour too. For example, did you know, the Irish were the first to make whiskey and, at one stage, produced 70% of the world's whiskey? There were also illegal operations that were producing such batches that were making people blind and putting people into comas, so it wasn't all a big song and dance.

Across the street from the museum was the famous Trinity College, although I still reckon Nottingham Trent is far superior. Trinity has famous alumni such as Oscar Wilde, Samuel Beckett, and Mary Robinson but that pales in comparison to Mike Parry, Richard Bacon, and Matt Berry.

Joe then dragged me to the pub to watch Liverpool play and even forced me to have a few more Guinnesses. Being forced to watch Liverpool was made a lot easier as they pummeled Tottenham Hotspur.

Walking around in standard Dublin weather

The night out had just begun as we ambled the streets of Dublin, drinking in their fine establishments (even the overpriced Temple Bar region).

We met up with a few of Aisling's friends. I heard many moons back that Irish people love it when you imitate their accent and then tell them that you're Irish through your grandmother, so I got those in early with the friends and I could tell they were very impressed.

We went to a place that was full of youngsters. I'm 30 now (although I don't look a day over 26) and I started to wonder if I was getting too old for this Saturday night out malarkey. I looked around this trendy bar that had a house party feel to it. Each corner had young couples snogging in it, which made me livid as not one girl in there wanted to get off with me.

Joe sensed my anger and we drank up and left. We went to an "over 28s" bar which I had mixed feelings about. First of all, it was an admittance of getting older, but the bouncer asked to see my ID, which hasn't happened in years.

Once inside, I realised that we were the youngest ones there and everyone middle-aged woman wanted me. I had the fewest grey hairs and the smallest gut. I was a desirable piece of meat and I loved it.

The place got busier and busier. My insides were feeling the full day of drinking. I can only manage about 6 or 7 pints of Guinness before the stuff makes me too bloated, at which time I move on to lager. When I've had enough of that I move on to gin and tonics to show the ladies I've got a sophisticated side too. The thing is we drank for so long in Dublin that I drank through to the other side of G&Ts too and had to move back to whiskey. It was 5am and I told Joe it was time to go home. You can imagine the disappointment in the ladies when the prize bull trotted off home. (Do bulls trot?)

Sunday was a day of relaxation and detoxification (for the day time at least). We strolled down the quayside in Dún Laoghaire and the winter breeze was refreshing.

On the day I flew out, I saw in the news that Storm Brendan was blowing through Ireland. There isn't much representation of Brendans out there and the famous ones don't do us many favours. Brendan Rodgers is the real-life David Brent. Brendan from Coach Trip is the only man camper than Louie Spence, and the less said about Mrs Brown's Boys' Brendan O'Carroll the better. Storm Brendan blew in, delayed my flight and then moved over to England to cause more disruption there. Another good PR day for Brendans everywhere.