Well, Thailand Was Disappointing

Cambodia came and went so quickly. It was quite the ordeal, but Wes and I had such a good time there. We took a minibus from Siem Reap to Koh Chang, a small quiet island just off the coast of the mainland near to the Cambodian border. Wes was recommended to visit this destination with a promise of it being ‘super chill’ and the ultimate place for island living. I’m not so sure about island living as it was more like Ireland living. It rained for 2 whole days.

Our plans of relaxing on the beach were scuppered and we spent two days in a bar playing pool and cards with the most boring German lads I’ve ever met. Wes and I tried to make the most of this negative situation, we found an empty beach bar and smashed it at karaoke. The Germans sat and smoked shisha. Germans are hardly known for their fun personalities, stereotypes exist for a reason.

In typical fashion the day we left there was glorious weather. This was the view from the boat.

From Koh Chang we went to visit my friend, Gav, in Pattaya. When we told other travellers that we were going to Pattaya we were met with the same reaction. We were told many times that it’s the worst place in Thailand…and they were right.

It all started well, Gav put us up in his swanky apartment, which was quite the step-up from our previous hostel which didn’t even have a lock on the door and had monkeys running around on the balcony. We headed for the go-go bar ridden Walking Street and I’ve never seen anything like it. Every bar is filled with dozens of “fun time” girls.  It’s the seediest place on earth. If Pattaya was a person it’d be Donald Trump.

The tourists were all male, 50+, and desperate. Wes, Gav and I stuck out like a sore thumb. We were probably the youngest men to ever step foot in Pattaya. The girls are very friendly, for obvious reasons, but I felt they preferred talking with us as there was only a 3 or 4 year age difference as opposed to a 30 or 40 year difference to the usual tourists.

As the night went on the abnormal just became normal. We were in a bar shooting pool with some prostitutes and they brought a few snacks round. One girl started feeding me fish fingers (no puns please, I know you’re all better than that). It was a strange night, but only when you take a step back and look at that situation you realise how bizarre the night had become.

Gav was a great host and it was great catching up with him, but one night in Pattaya is enough for me. From here we flew south to the islands.

Our first stop was in Koh Pha Ngan, an island notoriously known as a party island. We spent the day scooting around checking out the beaches, but we were pretty much killing time until the half-moon party that evening.

I’m not sure what came over Wes and I that evening, but we took it upon ourselves to organise all the drinking games for the entire hostel. The hostel staff were more than happy to let us do this as it allowed them to enjoy their evening. As a reward they ploughed us with a lot of free alcohol. Free beers, buckets, shots. The only problem with doing this is that Wes and I will drink all of it. I didn’t make it out for the half-moon party and Wes made it out for 10 minutes before getting a taxi home. Everyone else said it was good, but I can’t actually comment on the famous beach parties in Thailand.

From Koh Pha Ngan we got the boat over to the next island of Koh Tao. We did a spot of snorkelling which always sounds more fun than it actually is. You expend an awful lot of energy to see a few fish and rocks. It’s basically a day out getting sunburned and drinking sea water.

We went out on a bar crawl with some girls from Milton Keynes, Ellie and Emma, went to a ladyboy cabaret show (Wes loved it) and that wrapped up Koh Tao. 

We took one last boat to Koh Samui where we met up with some Irish girls, Laura and Ashlyn.

We’d planned a night out, but then we got the news that the King of Thailand had died. He’d been the king for 7 decades and had spent the last 7 years in hospital, I was in Thailand for 12 days and he snuffed it. The country declared an entire year of mourning and a ban on alcohol sales for a month.

A ban on alcohol?! How am I meant to enjoy Thailand without booze? How am I going to attend a ping-pong show sober? How am I going to convince Wes to get a tattoo without a few Jaeger bombs?

We had our two last days in Bangkok. Thailand seemed to put a ban on any form of fun. No music, no boxing and definitely no seedy entertainment. It rounded off a pretty disappointing 12 days in Thailand.

Some bars sold beer...in paper cups

I felt that Thailand isn’t really made for me. The type of people that usually holiday there are those who have gotten bored of going to Benidorm. I could feel my IQ dropping by the day.

I had a great time in Southeast Asia, but 6 weeks of heavy drinking with little rest is truly exhausting. I’m a broken man. I feel like Benjamin Button when he was just born. The doctor examines him and says:

“He’s nearly blind from cataracts…I’m not sure he can hear. His bones indicate severe arthritis. His skin has lost all elasticity. His hands and feet are ossified…shows all the deterioration, the infirmities, not of a newborn, but of a man well in his 80’s on the way to the grave.” 

I know exactly how that baby felt. I’m just hoping a black couple will adopt me.

Those who have been following Wes on Snapchat have enjoyed our exploits. We've had many compliments from our humorous endeavours as we're a great big man little man combination. We're up there with the greats; Schwarzenegger and De Vito, Johnson and Hart, Crouch and Defoe, Burrows and Fennell. We'll soon have the credibility we deserve.

I’m looking forward to some stability in my life again. My diet has primarily been pad Thai and Jaeger bombs, if I have any hydration and nutrition it might collapse from the shock. 

Cambodia Was Not Kind to Me

Due to the “floods” in Vietnam we got talked out of our boat trip across the border up the Mekong Delta. They told us that the boat trip into Cambodia takes a day and you don’t want to be stuck on a boat for that length of time in the rain. In typical fashion our time in Ho Chi Minh was gloriously sunny. We decided to take the 6-hour (which actually turned out to be 8 hours) bus to Pnomh Penh.

The Vietnam/Cambodia border is pretty relaxed. You walk through a huge warehouse to the only immigration counter at the other end. No checks, no questions, no inspections. They stamp your passport and send you on your way. We stopped at a restaurant on the other side. They served me up some rice and I opted for pork, which was mostly bone. My lunch on that particular day was rice and bones. I was very conscious that I hadn’t washed my hands since leaving the hostel 4 hours earlier. But the more I thought about it I was less convinced that the “chef” had taken a shower that week. It’s best not to think about those things. We arrived in Phnom Penh.

Our first day there we took in the killing fields and the S21 prison. Cambodia has a dark past of communism, mass murders, and torture. I won’t go on about it, if you want to know it’s all on the internet. It was a tough day and we needed a few beers. 

We spent out two evenings in Pnomh Penh in a club. We hardly took in the city, and with the exception of our excursion, we went from our hostel to the club and from the hostel to the club.

When the hostel emptied to go to the club I wasn’t ready and had to pop back to the room. I changed but had to make my own way to Club Love. I didn’t know the way and was walking around the darkened streets tipsy, alone and unsure of my direction. I was asking people where Club Love was, which sounds dodgy enough. People were kind and gave me directions, but advised me to be careful.

I found the club and after a few more beers I thought my luck was in. I managed to pull one of the locals. I stumbled out with her into a tuk tuk. When we stopped I realised that I wasn’t at my hostel. I was in a random, dodgy part of town. I then realised I’d in fact “pulled” a prostitute. I was dragged into the brothel and luckily enough for me I was out of money – those bastards behind the bar in the club must have mugged me. After long negotiations I told them to take me back to my hostel where I could get some more money. They agreed. I got back to the street I knew, headed inside and never emerged, leaving the prostitute with the driver. I don’t know how long they waited, but I got a free lift home. Hollaaa.

Unsurprisingly the next morning we missed our bus to Siem Reap. The only option to use was to get a taxi for the 155-mile journey at a cost of $80. Half way through the journey I finally had a sober moment of realisation – I’d forgotten my passport. Fuck! Wes was on hand to mock my misery. I was having images of begging and borrowing my way to Syria, getting a boat over to Greece, working my way to Calais and living in the “jungle”.

Luckily for me there were three girls on the same route as us only a few days behind us. We messaged them and asked them to pick it up for me. They did. I didn’t tell them that they’d have to pay my hostel bill too as I’d checked out without paying that either.

We finally had a relaxing night in Siem Reap, this was mainly because we were doing the sunrise tour of Angkor Wat. It was quite beautiful. I can’t remember the last time I’d seen stars and the sunrise. 

There's the money shot

As beautiful as it was, we had the most boring tour guide. He was droning on about the different kinds of palm trees. To be honest, mate, it’s 6am I couldn’t give a shiny shite.

We wandered around Angkor Wat. It was cool, but essentially another temple. Jesus, temples aren’t that interesting.

No passion for temples

What I didn’t realise about the tour was that we had booked the temple tour and that we had another two to look around. Do you care about them that much? I was there and couldn’t care less. One was Angkor Thom and the other one was where the movie Tomb Raider was filmed.

No passion for temples

It got to the point where the tour guide gave us a history of Buddhism and Hinduism in a temple that stunk of monkey piss. I wasn’t in the mood.

Our last night in Siem Reap and I’d told Wes that I wasn’t going on a heavy one because I had to meet the girls to pick up my passport at 6am. Well, that was the idea. We somehow got “talking” to a couple of Honkongese couples. They continued to buy us red wine and cigars. I don’t even smoke, but who was I to oblige? This was followed by a bucket of gin and tonic, beers, Jaeger, and tequila. We got home at 4am and I was up again at 5:30 to go and meet the girls off their bus. Somehow I did it. I had my passport and was good to travel on to Thailand later that day.

Cambodia was a whirlwind. It was not kind to me. I was dragged into a brothel, I’m pretty sure I broke my toe, I lost my passport for a few days, I bashed my shin, I lost Wes’ power bank (sorry, mate), got covered in cuts and bruises, and was bored to death about temples. Despite all that I had a great time here.

Anyway, off to Thailand next where I’ve heard it’s lively…

Ho Chi Minh City and the Cu Chi Tunnels

We continued our journey south, this time opting to fly from Da Nang to Ho Chi Minh (formerly known as Saigon). Here we took in the sights of the city - the Independence Palace, Notre-Dame Cathedral, the Saigon Skydeck, and most notably the War Remnants Museum.

Strangely, Britain didn't participate in this war and as a result I have very little knowledge of it. The museum was eye-opening. It highlights the mass bombing, terrible atrocities, imprisonment and torture, first hand accounts, and many moving images from the 19-and-a-half years of war.

We were sure to also check out the Cu Chi tunnels. Cu Chi is a northern district of Ho Chi Minh. Here the Viet Cong had a base on the southern side of the DMZ. The 250km of tunnels housed the Northern Vietnamese soldiers and their artillery. The Viet Cong would hide and wait during the day and emerge during the night to fight the American forces. They used their local knowledge of the dense jungle and their cunning to defeat the better equipped, capitalist Americans.

They set up booby traps using sharpened bamboo spikes. When the American soldiers would fall into the traps the Vietnamese would strip them of their supplies - weapons, torches, rations - remove the bodies and start again the next night. The Americans knew they were hiding but could never find the tunnel entrances. Even if they were discovered the entrances were so small that the much larger Americans wouldn't have been able to fit in.

The very funny tour guide described this entrance as King Kong sized. The real ones were much smaller.

Walking around the junlge I had a sense of pity for the Americans. In the movies the soldiers are the victims of this war, which some might disagree with. But for the individuals involved, they were air dropped into the middle of no where and told to fight an enemy which they couldn't find. They were ambushed, killed, or suffered from infections from the booby traps which would result in limb amputation. 

What I don't understand about the Americans is that if they knew the Vietnamese were down in the tunnels why they didn't get a JCB in and dig them out. You don't need to look for the entrances if you can make your own.

We had a go in the tunnels, and they were pretty tight!

It was a little easier for me down there compared to Wes.

The Vietnamese lived down in those tunnels for 20 years and we struggled to do 20 metres!

At the end of the tour they took us to a shooting range. As Wes pointed out it was a little in poor taste considering how many people had lost their lives on that very spot only a few decades ago.

We finished the day at the street food market where we had the best Vietnamese food in the entire country. 

And that rounded off Vietnam for us. The next day we departed for Cambodia. Vietnam was fun, crazy, exhausting and hot. 

Hue to Hoi An: The Top Gear Challenge

So, you may have seen the Top Gear episode when they biked the length of Vietnam. There are plenty of people out here doing just that, but I wasn't one of them. Wes and I opted to do the short route (130km) from Hue to Hoi An taking in the Hai Van pass. We also decided that as neither of us were exactly well-established bikers (I'd ridden on for about 2 days in the Philippines and Wes had never been on one) that we'd opt for the easy rider option. We paid a couple of Vietnamese fellas the enormous sum of $40 to take us the route with us on the back.

We just sat back, took in the view, and snapped away. I've gone through the hundreds of pictures I took and here are the best.

Wes and I enjoying the journey!

The guide said this was the largest lake in Asia. The internet says otherwise.

We got caught in this storm. I told the guide that I didn't mind getting a little wet, but he insisted I wore some waterproofs. He was right.

We stopped at Elephant falls. It was pretty cool. We took a dip and had another beer. 

We did the trip with Charlotte. I honestly didn't mind her tagging along in her bikini.

Just posing. Honest, mum.

Up the mountain roads.

Into the clouds.

At the top there was an American bunker. 

With reminders of the battles that took place here.

So apparently, we chose a bad day to do the trip. The view from the top is meant to be quite incredible, but all we saw was rain  clouds. Coming down the other side of the pass and this was the view. 

We arrived in Hoi An and Wes got measured for a suit. She needed a bigger stool.

We had a couple of relaxing days in Hoi An. It's quite a quaint romantic place, just what Wes and I needed. We headed down the beach. Just a 4km bike ride. I was hardly in the best of shape before going travelling and with copious amounts of alcohol and eating pretty poorly I'm just a sunburned tubby mess. Although I needed the exercise I didn't appreciate it in the heat.

It seemed worth it in the end.

The weeks pass so quickly when you're living this life. No work, lying on the beach, seeing some fantastic sights and partying every night. Someone's got to do it.