Xi'an: The Eternal Emperor

Having only just returned from a trip to Shanghai with Drew I was hardly match fit for my next trip to China’s ancient city of Xi’an. It was once the beginning of the Silk Road, on which they traded with Europeans, and also the former capital of China where the emperors used to live, but it’s probably most famous for The Terracotta Warriors. I had planned to do a little more research before going on this trip, but you know who actually wants to read something that isn’t the sports pages?

Day 1: My first full day in Xi’an and I was up early with a carpe diem mind set. First, I headed for Shuyuanmen, a street known for all things artistic from paintings to displays of calligraphy. Shop after shop of calligraphy brushes, they were mildly interesting, but I had a biro in my bag and I was getting hungry. I was starting to get annoyed by the layout of Xi’an. I turned off Calligraphy Street onto Picture Frame Road then turned again onto Florist Alley. It seemed every road had its speciality without a restaurant in sight. I walked and walked and finally came across a Biang Biang shop. 

A type of noodle that gets its name from the sound of whacking the stretched noodles against the counter. It also seems to have the most intricate of all Chinese characters. With some noodles and fire in my belly, I was off again.

My next stop was at the bell and drum towers. I’d already seen the bell and drum towers in Beijing and I suspected them to be pretty much the same. Climb lots of stairs to see some fellas banging on a drum. No need to pay £4 to see that. 

Selfie-sticks are degrading

At the rear of the towers is the Muslim quarter. In this region are so many street food vendors selling an array of delicious treats. There was a plethora of food that I couldn’t identify, but everything looked and smelled incredible. It’s a good thing my grandmother cannot operate a computer as she’d be disgusted to find out that I was in an Islamic neighbourhood, eating Islamic food, cooked by Muslims. Nothing pleases her more than for her to hear that I’m eating boiled meat and potatoes, but that’s not too appealing when I’m gorging on middle eastern-Chinese fusion foods. Soon after it began raining heavily (my grandmother would note that as an act of God), I thought it would be the perfect time to check out the Shaanxi History Museum. Xi’an boasts over 5,000 years of history (and don’t the Chinese like to remind you of it!) but when I looked at the finer details of the museum I discovered the museum is closed on Mondays and that particular day was a Monday. I retired back to my hostel waiting for the clouds to part. 

Eating meat that belonged to that carcass.

I read a few chapters of my book, drank a beer, and took a nap and it was magnificent. 

The rain eased and I was back out this time doing a lap of the city walls starting at the Gareth Southgate. I got on a bike and began the 13.7km loop. You know what, it wasn't that smooth. Some of it was renovated and made for easy riding other parts were like cycling down some cobbled streets. There’s a reason why you never saw Hayley Cropper cycling down Coronation Street, it’s because her plums would have fallen out of her basket. With my bones rattled I headed for the Big Goose Pagoda for the largest water fountain show on earth. 

I waited and waited, and then it started raining. Some security guards came along with their loud whistles to move the people from standing on the small walls surrounding the fountains. The guards walked up and down continuously telling people to get off the walls only for the crowds to resume their positions 30 seconds later. I wanted to tell the guards "look, these are Chinese people. They don't care. They will stand where they want". The crowd got bigger and rowdier, people started pushing, the rain got heavier the whistles got louder and I thought this can’t be worth it. Without seeing the show I went back to the hostel and watched it on YouTube. It's called the biggest water show on earth, but I think the recent floods in Houston dispel that claim. With no regrets, I made the right decision to leave.

Day 2: Up early and off to Emperor Qin’s Terracotta Army. 

The tour guide showed us around and gave us a briefing about each of the archaeological pits and the discovery of the site in 1974. Local farmers were looking for water when they found pieces of clay and a fully in-tact warrior statue at the burial site. 

A brief history of Emperor Qin goes as such; he unified the 7 kingdoms of China, he standardised units of weights, currency, and built a road system throughout China. He is a very respected figure, but despite his greatness he sought everlasting life. He had the bright idea to take mercury as a way of prolonging his life, instead that polished him off early so the king's slaves excavated a site and built a clay army to protect the emperor in the afterlife. Standing almost 2 metres tall and each statue uniquely built with different styles of shoes, armour and hairstyles to represent rank. 

Top centre: You can see some red paint remains on the body armour which has somehow lasted over 2,000 years

I think that's what she said anyway. We had a small tour group but she still spoke through a PA system. Technology has advanced in China with them at the forefront of so many devices, but not the PA system. This tiny box which spilled out her voice incoherently was of no use. I got the gist of what she was saying. 

They are quite magnificent. The burial site was 5 metres deep and enclosed with a roof, but over the years the roof collapsed and this damaged the Warriors. Now, archaeologists have the tedious task of constructing the world's largest jigsaw puzzle. It takes 3-4 months to assemble one statue. They estimate that there are about 8,000 statues. Since the discovery in 1974, they have assembled 2,000 and require another 50 years to assemble the remaining ones.

Each statue is a replica of the slave who made it, and once completed they'd be slaughtered and thrown in a mass grave to keep the secrecy of the emperor's resting place. I know if I was one of those slaves I'd be taking my time making my statue, breaking bits off and starting again.

The Emperor’s Tomb has been discovered but they have no plans to unearth it as it’s said that the tomb is laden with booby traps. While Qin Shi Huang never discovered the Elixer of Life, his legacy will live on forever.

All told the trip to Xi’an was alright. The Terracotta Warriors were very impressive as was the food in the Muslim quarter.  If you’re planning a trip to Xi’an make sure you don’t go on a Monday.

Disaster and Chaos are Always Good

I had another friendly face pay me a visit recently, this time it was from American shores. Drew, a friend who I met from my days playing football in Korea. We were both drawn to the lure of DAROK with promises of free beer and nachos from our sponsored pub and that perfectly sums up our friendship. 

Our weeklong jaunt got off to valiant start. We awoke on Drew’s first full day in Beijing to blue skies and sunshine – the perfect setting for a trip to The Great Wall. We leisurely took the cable car up the mountain and spent the afternoon exploring a relatively empty wall (well, empty for China) before getting a toboggan down the mountain. Having seen the Wall before the toboggan was easily the best part of the day. We were back in the city by the early afternoon with plenty of time do a bar crawl through Beijing.

I’ve shared many tequilas with Drew in the few years I’ve known him and pretty much each time has ended in some regrettable situations. That night in Beijing was no different.

I made the mistake of telling Drew that alcohol is free to foreigners in Beijing nightclubs. Yes, free of charge with unlimited access. We worked our magic on the girl at the door of the club and we were in for free because of our charm, but mostly because of the colour of our skin. As we arrived at the foreigner table and two seats became available in the booth, it was almost as if they were reserved for us. We sat kings of the foreigners as we helped ourselves to the bottles of vodka, gin, rum, whiskey, and that devil juice, tequila. It was around this point that things got a bit hazy and I awoke the following morning with no sign of Drew and vomit on my shoes.

Where was he? Was he alive? Was that my vomit? I couldn’t contact him as he was still on his US carrier and that’s assuming he still had his phone. It was well into the afternoon and there was no word. I was feeling pretty awful at that stage as since I had met him at the airport I’d taken care of the travel arrangements and then left him in a city. As I was heading out into the heart of Beijing to look for him there he was. He’d found my apartment…somehow. He was looking worse for wear, but with litres of Gatorade under his arm he was there and alive with possessions intact. Relief.

I asked him what had happened and where he had been, but he was as useful as I was at filling in the blanks. The day of sightseeing was cancelled and the recovery began.

"One of the worst hangovers in years" was how Drew described it. I had to inform the young man that despite the alcohol being offered for free, it was, in fact, fake alcohol. Fake alcohol as in some Chinese fella has brewed it in his bathtub and packaged it to look like the real thing. It’s China, everything’s fake. It probably doesn’t bode well that my body has become immune to the stuff, although I remember how horrific those hangovers were when I first arrived here.

We still had an opportunity to make up for lost time as our train to Shanghai wasn’t until 2pm the following day, so we set an early alarm and made plans to see Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City and The Temple of Heaven before our departure to Shanghai.

There was a slight drizzle come the morning, but we were more determined than ever. We turned to Chairman Mao Zedong for inspiration.

“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible”.

- Mao Zedong

With this Marxist-Leninist-Maoist inspiration in our hearts, we were on our way to do some communist sightseeing. 

We walked around the sights getting wetter and colder. Despite the weather, we still had to fight our way through the crowds (it’s China, there are always crowds). Chinese crowds are trying at the best of times and one thing that makes them worse – umbrellas. Those pointy umbrellas scratched my eyeballs worse than eczema on an itchy arsehole. We ticked off Tiananmen and The Forbidden City, but ditched plans for the Temple of Heaven as we couldn’t take it anymore. We got a taxi to Beijing train station and people watched until our departure time. Chinese people watching is easily the best thing you can do in Beijing and is my new favourite hobby.

We made our train to Shanghai, which I was a little worried about as Drew and I have a history of missing trains having missed one to Ulsan as we went drinking the night before. That bloody tequila again.

I was happy to spend time with drew in Beijing but I can't help but feel that he didn't see the places I had wanted him to. Our time in Beijing was much like the McGregor vs. Mayweather fight. We came out swinging in the first 3 rounds, but before long Beijing fought back and put us in our place. 

We cruised through the empty Chinese countryside at 307 km/h. Living in one of the most populated cities in the world it's pleasant to see a vast countryside, occasionally passing a city I've never heard of, which probably has a larger population than London. 

Four-and-a-half hours later and 1068 km behind us we arrived in Shanghai with just enough time to get to the AirBnB, drop our bags and head to the pub for the Liverpool vs. Arsenal.

The view from the AirBnB

I was very worried as our night could take a bad turn. If Arsenal lost heavily we knew we'd hit the tequilas pretty hard. 

Arsenal lost 4-0 and we hit the tequilas hard. 

The recovery was from the night before was much more successful. We had a food tour planned for this day, but as we hadn't eaten all morning and considering how much we drank the night before I was hoping Burger King was the first stop on the tour. Instead, it was a bull frog restaurant. 

“Swollen in head, weak in legs, sharp in tongue but empty in belly.”

- Mao Zedong

I was so hungry that I filled up on bull frogs, which is something I never thought I'd say. They were pretty good, but we had 8 more stops on the food tour and I was getting bloated. I was forcing down longevity noodles and crab cakes. It was not the hangover food I needed.

Top centre clockwise: some Chinese lad frying some pork cutlets, spicy bullfrog on rice, a crab cake pie, some dumplings, some flat bread, another dumpling, longevity noodles, some aged 50% alcohol. Hardly the best descriptions, I ate this stuff a few weeks back and didn't write down what we were eating.

We finished the tour and cracked a beer on The Bund. 

Another day in Shanghai and it was time to see the Propaganda Art Museum. It exhibits posters from the Maoist era of Revolutionary China. These images inspired millions of people to rise up and make their country into a global superpower. Before the age of widespread social media, this is how people were influenced.

Many depicted images of pro-Russian communism and painted images of anti-American capitalism. I laughed and pointed at the depiction of Americans in front of Drew until I saw a few posters mocking us Brits. That's not cool. 

The posters were fascinating. Take this image of the guys riding a fire breathing dragon. It doesn't inspire me much other than to go for some spicy noodles, but it built hopes of industry, agriculture, and toppling American imperialism. 

We got turnt that night. 

After forcing ourselves up for our final day at a reasonable hour we went to the old town and did the old sightseeing nonsense. 

We coordinated our outfits for this photoshoot.

The next morning Drew was up early to make his flight, he left while I was still in bed. Now I understand how whorish it feels to have a man walk out on you. I got the train home which felt like it took an eternity. When we got the train south it was easy. I was dreaming of cocaine and hookers, but on the way back I was nursing my damaged body and had laundry to do when I got home.

"Disaster and chaos are always good".

- Mao Zedong

It was a pleasure to spend some time with a good friend and hopefully, it’s not too long before I see him again wherever in the world that may be.