The Italian Football Tour: Part 1 - Milan to Turin

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Well, for me it's be South America for a football tour, but Jesus, that's far away. Luckily Ryanair do cheap flights to Italy, so it's a decent alternative. I looked at the fixtures and realised, with the midweek cup fixtures, I could take in 6 games in just over a week. Which single manchild who loves football wouldn't do that?

(As this is a football themed edition, I'll be including quiz questions.)

Quiz Question 1: Which teams made it to the final of the 2019 Coppa Italia?

Tuesday 14th January, 2020

Football Club Internazionale Milan 4-1 Cagliari Calcio

Things didn't go according to plan from the start. I had ordered a car and had planned to be driving around the northern Italian countryside in a Fiat 500, looking and feeling as suave as Andrea Pirlo. Instead, I got a Kia which made me feel out of place like Ashley Cole in a Roma team photo.

I arrived in Milan late, so all I wanted was dinner and bed. I had pictured a pasta dish and a glass of red, but the only restaurant I could find within hobbling distance from my hostel was a Peruvian restaurant. This wasn't the Italian adventure I had in mind.

Luckily, I was in for the worst night sleep I've ever had. In the hostel, I shared a room with 2 snorers, another who listened to music through headphones loud enough for me to sing along with, and an Italian who talked/shouted in his sleep. From 11pm until 2am I laid in bed as the loud snores filled the room, I tapped my foot along to the lyrics of Fatman Scoop and the fella above me would shout "Polizia! Polizia!" followed by more Italian that I couldn't recognise. I attempted to block out the noise by putting in my earphones, which worked somewhat but not effectively. I just couldn't sleep with them in. It was uncomfortable, just like putting in a buttplug and expecting to get a solid 8 hours in.

At 3:30am an alarm went off and the music man arose to pack his case and head off to the airport. For some reason he decided not to pack his case before he went to bed just to ensure more late night disruption.

Quiz Question 2: Romelu Lukaku has scored 14 goals in his first 18 games for Inter Milan. Who previously held the record for Inter with 13 in 18?

Milan is the fashion capital of Italy. It's the hub for all the luxury brands. If you're into shopping, you're in the right place. However, I was there for football and hardly fit in wearing in my Beijing Celtics hoody and wooly hat.

I first visited the Duomo Di Milano and the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. Two of Milan's hot spots which took about 8 minutes to walk around. My leg is still on the mend so I was cautious about overdoing the sightseeing. A visit to San Maurizio al Monastero Maggiore would have suited someone with Christian virtues, but not so much for me. The paintings of torture were quite impressive though. I managed to kill the rest of the afternoon as I waited for the main event.

I made my way to the San Siro with plenty of time to spare. I was desperate for the toilet so went into the first bar/restaurant I can across which happened to be a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a pizza in a Chinese restaurant (so you know it was good) and I ordered in Chinese. It demonstrates how little Italian I speak if I opted to speak Chinese.

The Giuseppe Meazza was beautiful at night. When I walked to the stadium there was a mist in the air which made the arrival all the more romantic.

Quiz Question 3: The San Siro is home to A.C. Milan and Inter Milan. Which other club has used the stadium for their home European fixtures in 2019-20?

So many great games have occurred here, Arsenal's 1-5 win in 2003 against Inter comes to mind when Thierry Henry scored a hat-trick. Arsenal's 0-2 win against Milan in 2008 where Cesc Fabregas scored a 40-yard screamer comes into the reckoning. Another one was in 2018 in the Europa League round of 16 when Arsenal drew Milan. Massimiliano Mirabelli, Milan's sporting director said "I’m sorry for Arsenal, who I'm sure would have liked to have continued in Europe." Arsenal won 5-1 on aggregate.

It's truly a shame that they will be knocking the stadium down to rebuild a new modern stadium. I love the older 'run-down' stadiums so much more than the new modern ones. Maybe it's because I'm an Arsenal fan that I link their old ground, Highbury, with better days. Highbury was the first stadium I visited, Ian Wright scored a hat-trick at my first game, and to me it was a beautiful place. The Emirates is beautiful in a different way, but it still hasn't become a home because it hasn't amassed enough history yet. Sure, there have been a few. The great win over Barcelona in 2011, or Henry's goal against Leeds 2012, or the numerous thrashings of Spurs, but it's still not the same.

Maybe other supporters like the moves to modern stadiums, but I'm not one of them.

Inter won 4-1 with Romelu Lukaku scoring after 21 seconds. The game was over by that point. The real drama started when I tried to get back to the hostel. Despite their website stating otherwise, the Metro was closed by the end of the game. I didn't have any cash on me as no ATMs allowed me to withdraw any cash from my Chinese bank card. As I stood assessing my options a tram pulled up alongside the metro station. I jumped on it ready to play the old foreigner card "sorry, no Italiano." I blended into the crowd like Jason Bourne ready to obliterate anyone who came near me.

Wednesday 15th January, 2020

Juventus F.C. 4-0 Udinese Calcio

After a meander around Turin in the afternoon, I made it to The Juventus Stadium as the sun was setting. The mountains in the background and the pink sky made a great backdrop for an evening kick-off.

Quiz Question 4: Only 3 Englishmen have made first-team appearances for Juventus. William Jordan (1948-49), Stephy Mavididi (2018-19) and which other player?

The stadium itself was a major disappointment. The stadium only has a capacity of 40,000 or so (which for Juventus is incredibly small) and cost a mere €155m to build...and you can tell. It's not as if they can't afford it, they are one of the richest teams in the world in terms of revenue and are backed by the Agnelli family who also own FIAT. They spent €117m on a 33-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo for goodness sake!

The teams were released for the Coppa Italia game against Udinese. Ronaldo wasn't playing, but more annoyingly neither were Aaron Ramsey nor Wojciech Szczęsny! I was expecting a hat-trick from Rambo and a hat-trick of assists from Szczęsny. Was I not annoyed that Ronaldo wasn't playing? Not really, I've already seen him play. It was in 2005 when Manchester United played Peterborough United at London Road in Barry Fry's Testimonial, so not bothered.

I did get to see a true legend play that evening, Gianluigi Buffon. An actual legend of the game, not a legend like Nicklas Bendtner is a legend. His statistics and honours list speak for themselves and is in a calibre of players alongside Gordon Banks, Dino Zoff and Neville Southall. Buffon didn't actually make a save throughout the game, but the way he patrolled his area was sublime.

Quiz Question 5: Gianluigi Buffon has made over 1,000 professional appearances. Which 4 goalkeepers have made more than Gigi? (Hint: two Englishmen, one Brazilian, one Spaniard)

Juventus dominated the game from start to finish winning 4-0, they hit the woodwork twice and had a goal ruled out through VAR (the game's gone). I was stood in the Curva Sud with the Juve Ultras and they were in a jubilant mood. Here's a little fact for you, the Juventus fans love a bit of weed. And by a bit, I mean shitloads. The lads were blazing through the stuff quicker than the bush fires in Australia. After 90 minutes I felt higher than Ross Kemp.

Two games in and 9 goals. Who said Italian football is boring?









Answers:
1. Atalanta vs Lazio (Lazio won 2-0)
2. Christian Vieri
3. Atalanta
4. David Platt
5. Peter Shilton, Rogerio Ceni, Iker Casillas, and Ray Clemence

What's the Biggest City in the World?

In all the years I've been travelling, flying around the world most flights have been rather trouble-free. I've had the luxury of an almost empty plane from Istanbul to London and I've had the earsplitting flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing next to a screaming baby. It's the luck of the draw.

My flight from London Luton to Dublin, however, may have been one of the worse. I was sat beside a monster of a man. Big, fat and of course he had B.O. Of all the Lynx Africa gift sets handed out on Christmas Day, he didn't get one of them. Being home over Christmas I had noticed that I'd put on a few pounds, but sat next to this chunky lad I felt like a slender catwalk model. At the time I felt guilty about second helpings on Boxing Day and helping myself to the tin of Quality Street, but beside him, I felt like I needn't have. He was also sat in the middle seat with me squashed against the window. When we took off the chap sat in the aisle seat moved to free up a seat, but he never moved up. I remained squashed against the window for the duration of the flight. Thankfully it was just a 40-minute flight.

"Why is it I get the same luggage allowance as a guy who’s 40 stone? We’re both allowed to carry 32 kilograms on the plane. I want to go 'no, he used up his 32 kilograms on his tits!'"

Ricky Gervais

I was mainly in Dublin to catch up with some good friends. Joe, who I've known since year 3, and his girlfriend Aisling. They came out to visit me in Beijing, the least I could do was get a £12 flight while I was home. And Susie, my drinking buddy from Korea. We all caught up on Friday night with a Guinnesses (is that the correct plural or is it Guinnees?)

Aisling not pictured

The following day I dragged Aisling and Joe to the Whiskey Museum for a tasting tour. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but as neither Joe nor Aisling like whiskey I can't help but feel a little bad. It was an informative tour too. For example, did you know, the Irish were the first to make whiskey and, at one stage, produced 70% of the world's whiskey? There were also illegal operations that were producing such batches that were making people blind and putting people into comas, so it wasn't all a big song and dance.

Across the street from the museum was the famous Trinity College, although I still reckon Nottingham Trent is far superior. Trinity has famous alumni such as Oscar Wilde, Samuel Beckett, and Mary Robinson but that pales in comparison to Mike Parry, Richard Bacon, and Matt Berry.

Joe then dragged me to the pub to watch Liverpool play and even forced me to have a few more Guinnesses. Being forced to watch Liverpool was made a lot easier as they pummeled Tottenham Hotspur.

Walking around in standard Dublin weather

The night out had just begun as we ambled the streets of Dublin, drinking in their fine establishments (even the overpriced Temple Bar region).

We met up with a few of Aisling's friends. I heard many moons back that Irish people love it when you imitate their accent and then tell them that you're Irish through your grandmother, so I got those in early with the friends and I could tell they were very impressed.

We went to a place that was full of youngsters. I'm 30 now (although I don't look a day over 26) and I started to wonder if I was getting too old for this Saturday night out malarkey. I looked around this trendy bar that had a house party feel to it. Each corner had young couples snogging in it, which made me livid as not one girl in there wanted to get off with me.

Joe sensed my anger and we drank up and left. We went to an "over 28s" bar which I had mixed feelings about. First of all, it was an admittance of getting older, but the bouncer asked to see my ID, which hasn't happened in years.

Once inside, I realised that we were the youngest ones there and everyone middle-aged woman wanted me. I had the fewest grey hairs and the smallest gut. I was a desirable piece of meat and I loved it.

The place got busier and busier. My insides were feeling the full day of drinking. I can only manage about 6 or 7 pints of Guinness before the stuff makes me too bloated, at which time I move on to lager. When I've had enough of that I move on to gin and tonics to show the ladies I've got a sophisticated side too. The thing is we drank for so long in Dublin that I drank through to the other side of G&Ts too and had to move back to whiskey. It was 5am and I told Joe it was time to go home. You can imagine the disappointment in the ladies when the prize bull trotted off home. (Do bulls trot?)

Sunday was a day of relaxation and detoxification (for the day time at least). We strolled down the quayside in Dún Laoghaire and the winter breeze was refreshing.

On the day I flew out, I saw in the news that Storm Brendan was blowing through Ireland. There isn't much representation of Brendans out there and the famous ones don't do us many favours. Brendan Rodgers is the real-life David Brent. Brendan from Coach Trip is the only man camper than Louie Spence, and the less said about Mrs Brown's Boys' Brendan O'Carroll the better. Storm Brendan blew in, delayed my flight and then moved over to England to cause more disruption there. Another good PR day for Brendans everywhere.