Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class

A while since the last; here’s another edition from The Tefl-on Don with two weekends to catch up on.

Another week gone by and more exciting activities ticked off that I’ve never done before. This travelling malarkey’s quite fun! Every Friday I have usually finished work by 10:50am and in an attempt to not waste (nearly) an entire day off I decided to go to the Seoul Olympic Park, or Olpark for short. It’s started to warm up here, and by that I mean it’s just about above 0°C, so time for a brisk stroll. I got there and there wasn’t much happening, many arenas and stadiums but on a clear day I didn’t want the crowds just somewhere nice to walk. As I wandered I looked at all the art dotted around the park in celebration of the opening of the 1988 Summer Olympic Games. I’m not really into art, for some people it’s used to express themselves in ways that words can’t, for others it’s used for seeking unnecessary attention such as this man. This particular art student decided to lose his anal virginity on stage, in front of his peers as part of a university project. He’s just a poor man’s Paris Hilton. There were kids at my school that got in trouble for fingering girls by the bike sheds, but if you take a ride down a man’s dirt track on stage you’re an artist, apparently. 

I don’t know what these are about; a giant thumb and two attempts at a Scrapheap Challenge. The sculpture (right) was unnamed by the artist, to be honest I wouldn’t know what to call it either. Maybe, “Fuck it, that’ll do”. The park was very nice and I felt a certain pride to see the flags of my nations blowing in the wind.

Anyway, onto the main event of that particular weekend and we went to Seoul Race Park. I’ve never done a day at the races, I’ve always wanted to but it never seems to be something that you do on a whim. I met Josh and James at the subway station and we headed in. There were lots of sculptures of past winners around the grounds of the park, to a Korean racing aficionado they may be well known, but to me they were just horses. Upon closer inspection the sculptures had cocks, I know the artist wanted them to be as genuine as possible but honestly you can add too much detail sometimes.

We paid the enormous entry fee of ₩2,000 (£1.20) and headed for the bar, only to find no such thing. We saw a convenience store within the ground so we went over in an attempt to subtly drink a few cheeky cans, true class just like the Royle Family. But again, only disappointment. What do you do in that situation? We did like all other alcoholics living in denial and headed out of the Park to search for soju and beer. We found some easily, enjoyed one beer and took plenty of soju for the day ahead.

Once back inside we enquired into the logistics of gambling. I am familiar with the process having done it a few times in the past betting on the National but what made the selection process difficult was that all the horse names and betting form was in Korean (unsurprisingly), so I opted for numbers sticking with 4, 6, 7, 8, 10 and 14 (Vieira, Adams, Pires, Ljungberg, Bergkamp, and Henry if you’re wondering).

I wasn’t betting an awful lot but even so it was pretty exciting. A few races in and my plan wasn’t working – I was losing money! How could this be happening? Gambling is a sure fire way to make money, everyone knows that. Race by race I’d repeat the gamblers code “I’ll win the next one for sure. I’ll quit when I’m ahead. By the end of the day I’ll be a millionaire!” Then the unexpected happened, I won a race. Patrick Vieira came in! I collected my ₩20,000 winnings and was as happy as if I’d just won ₩2,000,000.

We decided to skip the last race and headed for Hongdae. James went to meet Susie and we decided to meet up later in FFs (a club we often frequent). James, still feeling a little tender from the night before had held back from the soju during the day which left more for Josh and I to drink. We continued drinking in Shamrock and Roll, an Irish pub in Hongdae at this point we realised how drunk we were. Christ, this is what happens when you start drinking at 3pm.The drinking didn’t stop there though. By the time James and Susie had arrived in FFs we were both passed out. I was completely asleep taking no notice of the 100 decibel music pumping from the speakers, and Josh semi-conscious in a state that James described as “couldn’t stand unaided”. Somehow we made it home.

I will now fast forward to the next weekend and it was a big one. We had two new arrivals, and two peasants came to visit all the way from Masan. The Friday night was my first exposure to Gangnam, the wealthy, upper class region of Seoul and probably the only place in Korea where it’s unacceptable to do the Gangnam Style dance. Alejandro set us up with free entry to a very swanky club, certainly too good for us. The bouncers looked down on us as our tragedy of commoners strolled in. Gangnam is good, rubbing shoulders with the elite, going to the nicer drinking holes, but only for one night. The girls were incredible, like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I’d brag to them about my seven-figure income and they’d walk away unimpressed like I am a short, overweight Russell Brand wannabe. A far cry from the girls of Nottingham, the kind of girls that would be impressed if you told them you had a job. But anyway, one of the main problems with drinking in Gangnam is the cost, something that will bleed your wallet dry. We opted for a cheaper option of making dashes to the nearest 7-Eleven to polish off a few bottles of soju and then head back to the club, past the judging bouncers, and onto the dance floor to enjoy the always delightful house and techno music. While everyone else was trying to keep face by giving the illusion they belonged in Gangnam our group was like the Price Harry of the party. A bunch of Jack the Lads crashing a party they shouldn’t be at.

We nursed Saturday’s hangover with some sightseeing around Dongdaemun. Later that afternoon I got the call I’d been waiting a few weeks for, Karl Egan had arrived in Seoul and was ready to get his drink on. Karl’s a good friend of mine from university. He's not from Brum, not from Leicester, not from Leeds, not from Manchester. He's from Nottingham, AKA Shottingham, Hottingham. (Although, he actually lives in D*rbyshire, but I won't tell anyone, Karl). Petro, Leon (the two peasants from Masan) and I met him and immediately went to Hongdae to meet up with Josh, James, Susie, and the other new arrival, Ben. We had a few drinks in Shamrock and Roll (surprise, surprise) and then went to FFs (surprise, surprise). A rather uneventful night, the usual drinking, storytelling, joking, laughing, occurred and we eventually got a cab home.

In the drunkenness Karl got in the front seat of the cab, and before we knew it everyone was asleep. We arrived in Kundae and the taxi driver was demanding ₩40,000 for a journey that shouldn’t even cost ₩15,000. In my best Korean I was trying to say that we wouldn’t pay that and that he was ripping us off, Karl still asleep during the commotion awoke to an angry Korean man shouting in his face demanding money. Karl had no idea what was going on which was hilarious. I had the opportunity to inform Karl of the situation but what kind of friend would I have been if I did that? The Korean man got louder and angrier and Karl began to get louder and angrier. Karl gave the driver ₩20,000 but the driver still wanted ₩40,000. Karl would shout “I’ve given you the money; I don’t know what you’re saying!” Karl then started to throw ₩1,000 notes at the driver and eventually told him to politely “go away”. Karl got out of the cab, angry but in a typically British fashion ‘I don’t know what you’re saying but I’m still right’ kind of attitude. It was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in Korea. We woke up on Sunday to discover Karl had lost his wallet and it was most likely lost in the taxi. This story sums up why Karl is one of the best and worst human beings I know.

Sunday’s hangover was rather bad. Two nights of drinking was taking its toll. So what better way to get over a hangover than go to Noryangjin fish market and eat raw fish?! There’s only one man to blame for such a silly idea and that is James. It was really interesting as it happens. You buy your fish from the market traders then take the fish to a restaurant to be cooked. The fish are still alive in tiny tanks, once picked out the fish receive a heartless blow to the head with a wooden stick, not a sight I needed to see when I was already close to vomiting. James and Susie put a selection of fish together which included salmon, flatfish, oysters, mussels, prawns, and live octopus. Not your typical hangover food. For the most part it was good food, I was slightly out of my comfort zone eating raw fish but YOLO ‘n that. The one thing I refused to eat was the live octopus. It had gone from straight out of the tank to cut up on a plate in a matter of minutes. When it is sliced apart the muscles continue to twitch for an hour, I just couldn’t eat it morally. During the meal beers and soju were ordered, this was not on my agenda for today but it continued. I lost count of how many drinks we had during that meal.

We headed out and as we were all saying our goodbyes someone suggested going to a noraebang (a karaoke bar). Going to a noraebang was not only not on my agenda for that day but it was not on my agenda for the entire year. I know I can’t sing, so why do I have to demonstrate it to my friends like I’m some delusional X Factor contestant? Luckily my friends were there to record it. I can only blame this misjudgement on the copious amount of alcohol consumed that weekend. 

With the exception of one final error of the weekend it’s been a cracking couple of weeks in the Land of the Morning Calm.

Food for Thought (A Teaching and Food Update)

I’ve been teaching now for six weeks and a lot has changed since that dreaded first day in January, I actually really enjoy it. I find it so much easier than I did; I try to enjoy each lesson whereas before I’d just be nervous and sweat a lot. I teach for a total of 24 hours a week, of which I have 19 hours of lessons that I enjoy and 5 hours that I tolerate, but in the grander scheme of things 5 hours a week really isn’t that long. I’ve had jobs in the past whereby I hated all 40 hours a week that I worked.

The child classes that I teach vary so much, some classes are great and some are so frustrating. In these classes it’s only natural to have your favourites, they’re usually the ones that do their work and make my life easier. My favourite kid is a little girl, Anna. One day she cried in my lesson and I asked her what was wrong, she couldn’t tell me as she was upset and was struggling to speak English. She didn’t have to tell me though, I knew what had happened without witnessing it, it was Leo’s fault. Leo (or as I like to call him, Zanderpuss) is the bane of my life. He is the most disobedient, destructive, little shit that I have to teach. I crushed his head once in a door and it made me feel good. That sounds terrible but it was an accident… honest. He spends my lessons trying to make a break for the door and I stop him like a prison guard. One day he managed to get past me and opened the door, he opened it only slightly before I got there and I tried to stop him from escaping by placing my foot against the base of the door. He opened the door enough to squeeze his head through before the door hit my foot and sprung back closing on his head in the process. He milked it for all it was worth, I felt terrible and he knew it. His play acting went on too long and I dragged his limp body to a Korean teacher, I explained to her that Leo was hurt and had to go to the hospital, as quick as a flash he jumped up and ran back to the classroom apparently unscathed. Like I said, a little shit.

Speaking of little shits, the teenagers are still the worst class I teach. They are disrespectful and smug and I’m certain they insult me throughout the lesson in Korean. I only teach them for one hour a week but they are still the worst. It gives me pleasure that some of them will have to do military service in the next few years. So far this blog post is just me moaning about teaching but I genuinely do enjoy it, I just have a few rotten eggs that stand out.

Anyhow, I met my school’s CEO today on one of his school round-ups. I was introduced to him but apparently his English isn’t that great so we hardly spoke. Ironic, huh? Anyway he treated us to lunch and we went to an American style buffet. The food was good, probably the best foreign food I’ve had since arriving in Korea. But some of the menu items were amusing. The food was obviously prepared and cooked by Koreans and I can only imagine that they considered American food and tried to make the most stereotypical food possible. For example, they had fried chicken, mac and cheese, and fries. But then they must’ve thought "we need to add some vegetables at some point". But vegetables aren’t traditionally associated with American cuisine so they had to sneak them into the menu. They had cranberry pizza and salad cake. Yes, you read that correctly, salad cake. You probably couldn’t find another two more opposing culinary words. Only in an American restaurant could you make a salad unhealthy.

They also had fruit that I’ve never seen before, it’s called rambutan. To me they looked like Satan’s testicles. 

You break the outer skin (obviously, otherwise they might be quite painful to eat). I opened them both up and placed them side-by-side. They looked like an eating challenge on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! One of the Korean teachers said they were nice so I popped one in, I bit into the fruit only to discover an enormous seed inside which nearly broke my teeth. The Korean teacher then informed me that the fruit contained a large seed. It was a bit late for the advice by then! The Koreans found my oral discomfort very amusing.

Another delicious delight that I’ve had over the past week is that I’ve had my first full English breakfast since leaving the UK. It wasn’t bad either. My friend Scott managed to find a place called Chloris Tea & Coffee, located in Hongdae and reported back with the wondrous news. I had to go. The food was actually very good but the restaurant was too classy to be selling an English breakfast. They had antique furniture, arm chairs, and chez longs. It’s not right, I want a greasy spoon. Heck, I’d even settle for a Wetherspoon! 

The breakfast consisted of sausage (a frankfurter but I’ll let it slide), bacon, scrambled eggs, toast, mushrooms, tomatoes, a hash brown, and… salad. That’s how classy this place was. I asked for a cup of tea and I got a coffee (but again, I’ll let it slide). Back home I enjoy my breakfast with HP Sauce, nothing but the best. It would have been expecting too much to have gotten HP Sauce in Korea so I lowered my expectations and requested tomato sauce but they didn’t have any. Very disappointing. It may sound like I’m moaning again, far from it. It’s the best breakfast I’ve had since arriving in Korea. I just think they’re so close to perfection that Chloris Tea & Coffee should address the minor mistakes. I’m definitely going to go again. My recommendation to anyone considering moving from the UK to Korea is indulge yourself in the classics, fish and chips, sausage and mash, a fry-up, pie and mash, a Sunday roast, Cornish pasties, cottage pie, faggots (both kinds), toad-in-the-hole, because when you get out here you either won’t find it or it’ll be a cheap imitation. Oh, and one final piece of advice; bring either HP Sauce or Bisto gravy with you depending in which side of the Watford Gap you’re from. 

We Are a Complex Species to Observe

This blog entry has no story to it; it’s just a collection of observations that seem odd to me. Korea is a wonderful country, but almost everything is different even the most ordinary things.

One of the first things that caught my attention as being weird are the marketing methods of phone shops. In most cases they have mannequins outside the shop on spinning platforms. They’re usually holding the latest Samsung model and are used to entice people to go in and buy. I’m not sure what the thinking was behind this method, I’m not sure who looks at a plastic doll wearing a long read coat and says “I need to buy a new phone!” Buying a mobile phone usually comes out of necessity, either you need a new phone or not.

One thing I have never understood is Asia’s obsession with anime. On my travels around Seoul I have found a video/bookshop that has a wide range of amine/manga material. I just don’t get it. First of all I don’t understand an adult’s interest in comic books, but each to his own. Comic books are generally considered geeky but it’s kind of acceptable to read about Batman or Superman, but if you read anime then surely that makes you King of the Geeks. Anime is definitely on the same level of the geek-o-meter as Dungeons and Dragons, collecting Lord of the Rings memorabilia, and playing Quidditch as a “sport”.

You can buy anything and everything in Korean supermarkets. The nearest supermarket to me is an e-Mart. They sell the conventional items such as food, electronics, clothing but I noticed in e-Mart that they also have a pet section. At first I thought it was just the butcher’s suction as I saw a tank of fish and a pen of puppies but apparently these animals weren’t for eating. It was great; the range of animals was huge, rodents, birds, cats, dogs and even turtles. I often go into the store just to look at the animals; it’s like a free zoo.

Speaking of animals, I had the strangest experience on the subway about a week or two ago. I was minding my own business reading a book, when coincidentally I looked up at the right moment and watched at the woman sitting opposite me. She had her coat zipped all the way up to her neck, and as I looked at her she pulled the zip down very slightly and suddenly a parakeet flew out! I shat myself. It flew up and down the carriage before landing on a Korean man’s shoulder. None of the other passengers looked bothered, like it was an everyday activity on the busy transport system, I was terrified. The woman collected the bird from the man and sat back in her seat, she placed the bird back in her jacket and I noticed a second parakeet within the jacket. She zipped it up once again. I looked around at the other passengers astonished, but they all just carried on looking at their phones continuing their Candy Crush saga. It was like the scene in Borat, when he’s trying to catch the chicken.

Everyone in South Korea has such a trusting nature. When I travelled to Thailand everyone warned me to be careful, watch out for pick-pockets, and be wary of my surroundings as foreigners are an easy target. Since I’ve been in Korea I’ve never had that thought, the Koreans seem too honest to even attempt a petty theft. Josh told me a story of how he left his iPad on a table in a bar and only realised a few hours later, when he went back to the bar it was still there untouched. Remarkable. I couldn’t imagine that scenario back in the UK, if you had your back turned for a second; it’s likely that your belongings will disappear. When you walk down the many busy roads in Seoul you’ll notice that people do not chain their bikes to any railings. They’ll put a lock on the wheel to prevent people from riding it away but essentially anyone could come along, pick it up and walk off with it. I feel like I should teach these Koreans a lesson, I should rent a van, and take all of the bikes in Seoul. You can take the boy out of Bedford…

I’ve talked about Korean fashion before but something else which is obvious to anyone that’s been to Korea is that pretty much all Koreans wear thick-rimmed black glasses. At first I just thought that they’d all been watching too much anime but it turns out that they all just like to wear glasses. Some of them wear glasses without lenses, so they walk around with empty frames on their faces. To me that seems ridiculous. There used to be an eccentric woman in the barbers that I used to go to in Bedford, she would be covered in tattoos and have the sides of her hair shaved, you know the type. One time I went in and she was wearing thick-rimmed black glasses and I asked her “are they prescription?” To which she said no. As someone who cuts hair she needs to have good eyesight to do the best job possible. She shouldn’t be wearing stupid glasses with cloudy plastic lenses that decrease her eyesight just so she can look quirky. I never went back.

Something else that’s very peculiar in Seoul is that there is a unified nod amongst foreigners. It’s similar to the jogger’s nod, or the dog walker’s nod. All you have in common is that you’re both out jogging at the same time or that you both own a dog. The same applies to foreigners in a distant land, you’re white, and I’m white. I laugh every time it happens.

Valentine's Day is approaching and the love related tat has started to appear in shops. But this is my favourite Valentine's gift I think I've ever seen. Nothing quite says "I love you" more than a bouquet of Ferrero Rocher. You've got to love Korea.

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

The Lunar New Year was marked in calendars all over Korea last weekend; it’s probably the biggest celebration in Korea annually. I was as excited as all the Koreans as it meant I got a four day weekend. Revelling in the added social time James, Josh, Susie, and I decided to go skiing/snowboarding. To make the most of the weekend James, Josh, and I went out on the Thursday night in Hongdae (for a change). Having got home late Friday morning, an extended lie-in was needed; we did not get this luxury as we had a coach to catch. We set alarms that were put on snooze multiple times and before we knew it we were running out of time. If we missed the coach our weekend was over, but as we all know there is always time to stop for road beers and soju. We rushed around a GS25, picking up as much beer and soju as we could carry and headed out. We had no time to eat and got a taxi to Jamsil. (After many trips out with them I’m not sure why I rely on James and Josh’s time keeping). We made it in time and even managed to get the back row of the coach (just like all the cool kids used to do at school!)The only food I managed to pick up was a packet of chocolate digestive biscuits. Then the hangover kicked in, I felt horrendous. James announced that in the rush he didn’t have a poo, which then made Josh need a poo, which in turn meant that I needed a poo. We were the Shitty Pants Gang and we hadn’t even left Seoul yet. 

The organisers of the weekend had sold the trip with a promise of a party bus atmosphere on the journey to the slopes. The “party” started with the film Out Cold, one of the worst films I’ve ever watched. Seriously don’t bother. There’s not much worse than being hungover, needing a poo, and watching a terrible movie. People had more enjoyable experiences on long journeys in the 1940s. Josh was able to stomach a beer but I couldn’t compete with him at the time. The motto for the weekend was coined, no matter how bad it got the response was “we’ve got beers though”, which was usually followed by the second motto of the weekend “I’ll have one but I don’t want one”.

The film finished and then the party started, they put music on and the atmosphere lifted. I was still struggling with my beer but thought it would be a good idea to start on the soju instead. Bottles of wine were opened, beers were flowing, spirits were being passed around the coach, and it was majestic. It was like a portable Reading Festival campsite. They were playing some fantastic tunes, Outkast, Drake, KanYe West, coincidentally three acts that are playing at this year’s Wireless Festival. They’ve got together my favourite line-up for the year that I’m out of the country! Furious.

The only problem with 50 people drinking a copious amount of alcohol on a coach with no toilet is that breaks are needed every 45 minutes. And then people get mad with you when you pee in a bottle. Crazy, right? A benefit of stopping so often is that it gives you the opportunity to restock on booze, we were fortunate enough to find this beauty of a drink. It’s a penis drink. We bought two bottles. Back on the bus and we gave it a whirl, it was only 13% but tasted rank. It was like vinegar. I only had one shot.

We got to our hotel room and met the random people we would be sharing with. It’s like Russian roulette that could potentially make or break the weekend. As they filtered in they all were great, couldn’t have asked for a better group of people… and by that I meant they all enjoyed a drink! (I even found a Charlton fan, I told him that I have a Charlton shirt. I could tell that he was impressed). It could have been awkward if the people we would be sharing with wanted an early night and we were up till the late hours drinking, but luckily they were all likeminded. Before we knew it the rumours spread; “party in room 324!” Our room. All entrants to the party were forced to have a shot of the penis drink, finally there was a half-decent way to get rid of the stuff. Neighbouring rooms also became lively and a few of us went to investigate. In the next room they were playing card cards but we couldn’t see a drop of alcohol anywhere, what’s wrong with these people? Cards were only invented to make people drink excessively. We swiftly left. The night carried on and it was great. I got to the stage where I needed to sleep, but there was a party in my bedroom. I picked up a blanket and a pillow and knocked on a random nearby door. “Hi, you don’t know me. Can I sleep on your floor?” Surprisingly I was let in.

We even got a chance to do some stroke photos. A simple but great idea, invented in the summer of 2013 on a holiday in Zante. You pull a stroke face, dribble beer out of your mouth, and take a photo.

The morning came around and I felt surprisingly fresh considering the volume of consumed alcohol over the past two nights. It was time to try on our rented outfits, they were shocking. Luckily I was blessed with a very desirable double denim get-up. (If you’ve read this blog before then you’re aware that Korea is still living like it’s 1994. The double denim is more proof of this). Over the weekend if you saw a foreigner also wearing a hideous ski outfit then you knew they were with our group. Of our group I was the only one to opt for snowboarding having done it 9 years earlier. Luckily the skills were never lost and it was like riding a bike, I had it nailed after two or three runs down a beginner slope. It was awesome; I kept on wondering why I had left it 9 years to go snowboarding! All the other guys were beginners, pretty much the first time they had skied. Which made me probably the most experienced; I was king of the Shitty Pants Gang. It is a little embarrassing though when the most experienced guy falls pretty hard, not much coming back from that!

A good 8 hours on the slopes and we headed back. There was also a promise of a huge night out for all the foreigners which included £4,000 worth of free beer! What could go wrong?! It started off like prom, all the boys on the left and all the girls on the right, then people started drinking, and soon after, carnage. There were a group of Americans not far from us who were drinking a lot of beer. Our room, not to be outdone, the Brits and the South Africans thought “we’ll show you how to drink!” Everyone was hammered as you’d imagine. Even though there was free beer, people still found it necessary to buy spirits. At one point I was in a convenience store drinking soju with James and some random girls. It seemed to be acceptable at the time… or maybe I was just that drunk. By the third night of drinking your decision making seems to become a little uncertain. The pictures of that night were a delight.

We even did a Wagbo audition. I won't go on to explain that one, it just won't be funny. But the pictures are good.

I was rudely awoken at 10am, to be notified that check-out was in 30 minutes. No time to shower, just pack up and get out. Whose idea was it to drink the night before?! Back on the slopes and I was still drunk. Literally one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had. Slide down a mountain at 40mph, on a slippery board, with no balance, on ice. Like I said, three nights of intoxication leads to unwise decision making. Time for breakfast. I realised that I had had nothing nutritional in four days. My diet had consisted of KFC, Dominoes, Dunkin’ Donuts, a terrible microwavable spaghetti, chocolate digestives, and alcohol. I eventually sobered up and took it easy for the rest of the day to make sure I could go back to work on Monday with no broken bones.

All-in-all it was a cracking weekend, made some great new friends, had a blast snowboarding, had some great nights, although I’m sure my liver would not agree. James took some footage of us on the slopes and edited it nicely together, see it below. If you wait till the end there is a short clip which pretty much defines me; I'm wearing a football shirt, and drunkly rapping to KanYe West. It's pretty embarrassing but if you know me at all then you've probably seen this before.

Video filmed and edited by James Johnson (James vs. World)

We got home late on Sunday night, and the alarm was set for 6am Monday morning, it comes around too quickly.