I made a
flying visit back home long enough to see my nearest and dearest before I
headed back to Seoul, this time on holiday. 8 days over Chuseok to show Wes
around my beloved city.
My flight
was via Delhi and avid readers of this blog will know my thoughts on that place
already. Despite how I feel India is never boring. I had a 3 hour layover and
did what everyone does, headed for the bar. I got chatting to an Australian
guy, mid-40s with a long beard. He had just been travelling Europe on a
motorbike and we drank and shared stories. He was an interesting guy. Then came
a question out of the blue. “What do you think of aliens?” This is why I don’t
talk to strangers. He went on to explain how there is no God, but the earth is
alive and controls everything and that aliens exist among us much like the plot of the movie Men In Black. Why are the
weirdest ones in India?
The only trouble with visiting over the holidays was that a few places were closed.
The
highlight, other than seeing a few faces, was the DMZ tour. While there it was
kicking off. I’m not sure what the North Koreans were doing, but they were in a
stand-off with the South Koreans. We were also being watched by someone. After
having a look around the JSA buildings we weren’t allowed to continue the tour
due to safety reasons.
Wes and I either side of the border.
The North and South Koreans in stand off.
Our dreamy US soldier tour guide.
And before
I knew it it was all over. Two-and-a-half years in Korea and I’m out. When I
boarded by flight back in December 2013 to move there I thought I was making a
terrible mistake and the first Google search I made there was “how to get out
of a contract in Korea”. Having done it I can say it was one of the best
decisions I’ve ever made.
My time in Korea has finally concluded. I am setting off on
my next adventure which will take me from Seoul to Taipei, Hong Kong, Macau, Mumbai,
New Delhi, and Istanbul before a long awaited return to England. Korea has been
filled with many new experiences, and good memories, but I thought I’d collate
some of the things I will and won’t miss about the Land of the Morning Calm.
Things I Won’t Miss
About Korea
The Unbearably Hot Summers – Temperatures soar to 40°C
in the height of the summer, and added to this blazing heat is 90% humidity. Forget
having an ice-cold cider in a pub garden, I’m sweating in my undies standing underneath
my air-conditioner.
The Unbearably Cold Winters – You’d think that the tropical
summer climate would even out to hospitable winters. Wrong! The temperature drops
to -20°C. It gets that cold that the hookers on The Hill charge ₩20,000 just to
blow your hands.
The Food – I’m not talking about Korean food, some of that
stuff’s good. I’m talking about foreign food made by Koreans. It costs 3 times
as much, and tastes half as good. There’s a reason why the Italians never put
sweet potato on a pizza, and the Mexicans haven’t put fermented cabbage in
tacos, they do not belong. Stop Korean fusion, please.
American English – When learning English as a second
language it’s completely reasonable to prefer one dialect to another. But just
because I don’t pronounce my R’s like some hillbilly pirate doesn’t mean I’m
wrong.
The Inability to Queue – The concept of ‘first come, first
served’ is foreign to Koreans. The number of times I have been standing in a
queue, waiting patiently to be served (like a good Brit should) and an elderly
person has cut the line is untold. Rules don’t apply to older people in Korea
because they are to be respected. I tried to learn “Oi, coffin dodger! Get to
the back of the queue!” in Korean, but I don’t think it translates.
Manners and Courtesy – I’m not asking much, just some
acknowledgment that I stopped a door from slamming in your face. Or that when I’m
standing next to you on the subway platform that you don’t cough up a throatful
of phlegm.
It’s not all negative; there are some things I will miss!
Things I Will Miss About
Korea
The Cost of Living - Everyday essentials are just cheaper here than back home. A pint of beer costs less than £2, and a journey on the subway costs around £0.60. You can save a lot of money over the year from the reduced living expense, which you can then spend on more beer.
The Women - Going back to England I will be going cold turkey. Asian women are like a drug, giving up heroin would be easier. I'm heading home to a land of white women. Who wants them? I mean, apart from other white guys, black guys, Asian guys, and lesbians...I suppose anyone without an Asian fetish.
Honesty - Korea is by far the most honest country I have visited. I experienced no threat from Koreans, they are too honest to deceive and steal. In fact, the dodgiest people in Korea are the foreigners. It will take me a while to adjust back to not trusting people.
Being Different - I'm a Daily Mail nightmare. I'm a liberal, foreign immigrant, that doesn't speak the local language, and muslim. OK, that last one isn't true, but the rest are. Foreigners are treated well in Korea, I'm treated as a commodity here. Locals want to talk to me and be my friend, whereas in the UK I'm just another emotionally repressed, moaning, overly polite, pessimistic Brit. Although, I like being that too.
The Internet Speed - According to some reports, South Korea has the world's fastest average download speed. There's nothing more infuriating than a slow internet connection. Did you know that 57% of domestic abuse in the UK happened as a result of slow internet connections? OK, I made that statistic up, but it's believable, isn't it? Despite having the luxury of the world's fastest download speed adult content is illegal in Korea. So it's very much a win-lose situation.
FFs - It's a quaint club in Hongdae, Seoul. We go there every Saturday and
it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is
venereal disease, which is disabilitating, especially for a soldier. And
it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under
attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in,
'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Karl Egan sir, he's got knobrot off some
tart'
Teaching - It was a job that I had never tried before and never really saw myself doing, but I'm glad I tried it. For the most part it was a great experience, teaching adults is a joy, and the kids are a lot of fun. Sure, you have days with the kids when you start to justify child abuse, but that's part of the challenge. If you're considering teaching abroad you should.
The People - I met some great new friends, and some average ones too. Who knows if I'll see them again, but they made my Korean journey all the more fun.
The original gang who helped me settle quickly in Korea.
Fried Chicken Fridays (minus Johnny, I couldn't find one of us all together!)
A jjimjilbang is a spa/bath house, they are very common in Korea. Jjimjilbangs are
always touted as a tourist “must do” but, I never really got round to it, until
this week.
The first
time I became aware of a jjimjilbang was around a year ago when I was sitting in
a pub in Bupyeong with Toner and James. The conversation got onto jjimjilbangs,
and due to my lack of insight I asked, “what’s a jimjil-thing?” James went
on to explain and, James being James, suggested that we went to one there and
then.
“Come on,
guys! You’re in Korea, you’ve got to try these things!” James probably said. Josh
and I passed on his offer and, for once, we got the better of James’ positivity
and enthusiasm for life.
My second
interaction with a jjimjilbang was when I was innocently looking for a barbershop,
to get my hair cut. I found a spinning barber pole and went inside. The
“barbershop” was in a basement, I walked down the stairs and was greeted by an
old lady who handed me a towel and charged me ₩7,000 up front. Slightly
confused by the towel I entered anyway. I was forced to take my shoes off upon
entry and was shown to a row of lockers. I was very confused at this stage. As
I stood trying to work out this strange Korean barber custom a naked Korean man
walked past me with the biggest bush I’d ever seen. “Oh crumbs, I’m in a jjimjilbang.” Well, I had already paid by that stage, I may as well get my
haircut.
I wandered
over to the barber and said “haircut?” He said yes, and showed me over to the
lockers again. I tried my best to explain that I just wanted a haircut but, for
the third time he ushered me to the lockers to get undressed. Eventually, I
just sat down in the barber’s chair and he took the hint. As I sat in the chair
I saw something I had never seen before whilst getting my hair cut. Normally, I
stare at myself in the mirror and mentally criticise the job the barber is
doing, but this time was different. This time I saw multiple naked men in the
mirror as they undressed to enter the spa. Knob after knob wandered past
catching my attention each time. I paid and left.
Anyway, I
decided to give the jjimjilbang experience a try.
I went to the Dragon Hill Spa in Yongsan,
one of the more elaborate jjimjilbangs in Seoul. First of all I went to the
locker room, stripped off and changed into the casual pyjamas that are given to
you upon arrival. I walked around the common areas, this specific jjimjilbang
had it all. There were noraebangs (karaoke rooms), a video game arcade, a
restaurant, a PC room, screen golf, a cinema, as well as the more traditional
saunas, and ice rooms. I’m not such a fan of saunas and ice rooms. When it was
summer I’d complain about the heat, but there I was voluntarily going into an
uncomfortable room. And now it’s currently winter, it’s 0°C outside and I’m
wrapped up with a warm coat, hat, and gloves, but I’ve paid to go to a place to
put on pyjamas, and sit in a freezer encouraging frostbite. They don’t make
sense to me.
I went to the wash room. It was very
strange. James said the being naked thing is normal, which I suppose amongst
other men it is, but there were children about. Being white and having a beard
in Asia most people already assume that I'm a paedophile. To Asians there's no difference
between me and Gary Glitter. Being naked around children was weird. Not only
that to get from the changing room to the showers you had to walk through a snack
bar and past the kids TV area. Being a teacher I'm used to children laughing at
me but not normally when I'm naked, it was like a living nightmare.
In the wash room I sat at the waist height taps
and scrubbed myself down using the communal soap. Ahh, the communal soap. How
many sets of balls have been cleaned with that one bar? You can add another set
to the tally. After the rinse I got in the Jacuzzi. I've been in many Jacuzzis
in my time, but this was the first time I'd been in one naked with 6 elderly Korean
men. As I sat there the hordes of naked boys came in. I realised that it’s less
uncomfortable to be naked around old men than young boys.
An encouraged experience at the jjimjilbang is the body scrub. During this
process someone takes a flannel and takes all the dead skin off your body.
Something I didn’t realise until yesterday was how sensitive your skin is until
someone takes a layer of it off with a Brillo Pad. I had a scab on my shoulder
when I went in there. Had. Skin grows back, doesn’t it?
Sometimes in my life I consider the
choices that I have made and assess where I am and what I’m doing. However bad
life can get for me I don't think it will be as bad as the male body scrubber
in a jjimjilbang. He charges ₩15,000 to rub old men down (and even does a
discount for children (see, I told you it's weird)). That's around £9. Not even
Thai ladyboys charge that little...so I've been told. The guy that gave me a
rub down (not that kind) certainly wasn’t shy, his Brillo Pad covered every
inch of my body and entered every crevice. I suppose I got my money’s worth.
My final verdict on jjimjilbangs is that I
did feel relaxed, my skin was incredibly soft after the body scrub, and 24
hours later my it has started to grow back. So if you’re into relaxation and
naked children then this is a Korean experience you must not miss.
The comedian Conan O'Brien visited a jjimjilbang recently. You can watch his analysis of it below.
A few months ago I went with a ‘friend’ to
Gwangjang Market in Seoul. It’s a pretty standard market with a huge array of
Korean delicacies, of which I tried some of them. All the food that we ate was washed down with beer and soju - it's the Korean way.
One of the more normal dishes I tried at Gwangjang was
yukhoe. Yukhoe is seasoned raw ground beef topped with a raw egg, or as it’s
more commonly known in other countries as ‘E.coli topped with salmonella’. The
taste was uninspiring, I tried to explain to the waiter that both ingredients
tasted better when cooked, but there must have been a language barrier. I read
after I had eaten it that in 2011, 5 Japanese people died and 35 were hospitalised after
eating yukhoe. Jamie Oliver can say what he likes about the standard of school
dinners in the UK, but 10 years of eating Turkey Twizzlers probably saved my
life. My stomach could probably fight off a pint of bleach without much hassle.
Some men like breast, others like legs, but the foot fetish
guys are always the weirdest – and the same applies for chicken. Dakbal, as it’s
known in Korea, is a dish of spicy chicken feet. The look and sound horrific
but in actuality they taste OK. The initial thought of popping one in your
mouth is the worst part, but my question is ‘why bother?’ When there are so
many better parts to eat; a succulent breast, a tender thigh, I was struggling
to think of a reason to eat chewy, meatless feet. It was an experience that I
shall not repeat.
The waste not, want not culture of Korean food doesn’t stop
with chicken feet, the Koreans also enjoy jokbal which is a dish consisting of
pig trotters cooked in soy sauce. I tried this dish in Gwangjang Market and it
left me unfulfilled. Friends had told me prior that it was delicious, a delight
not to be missed. Well, what I ate was disgusting. It was extremely tough to
chew, pretty much all skin, and served cold. I was told after that this is not how
it should have been served. So I’ve literally experienced the worst kind of
jokbal available.
Beondegi is a dish that I haven’t been brave enough to try.
The main reason being that beondegi is silkworms and they smell exactly as you’d
imagine a steamed bowl of silkworms would smell. Fucking rank. It’s another
case of ‘why?’ I’m sure that when food supplies were scarce you had to make do
with what food was available, but nowadays Korea has one of the strongest
economies in the world. Even Bear Grylls would turn his nose up at beondegi.
And, probably by far, the most commonly known food to come from Korea, is of course dog soup (bosintang). There is a lot of controversy regarding the consumption of dog meat, and many state that it is technically illegal to eat. So, for the record I definitely did not eat bosintang on the 23rd February around 4pm, but if a fictional person in Korea were to go to a restaurant and eat bosintang it might look like this (right). If one were to eat it, they might say that it tastes like low grade beef, and that it's as chewy as a piece of leather, and that it's likely that they'll pick it out of their teeth for a week. But, who actually knows? That's just the imaginary opinion of a fictitious person. I won't be rushing out to get another bowl anytime soon...I mean that person won't be rushing out. But, as the saying goes "it could be worse, you could be Scouse, eating rats in your council house". I'm just reporting on this, but leave me alone with your pet at your own risk.
Often in my classes my students are all too happy to tell me
that they once visited England and “experienced” British cuisine. They say it’s
salty and horrible. Food is subjective, and in my personal opinion I’d much
rather have a Sunday roast than bulgogi, and I’d share a bucket of
vindaloo with Fat Les rather than eat chicken feet, but each to their own.
The 13th of December marked a full year in the Republic of Korea for The Tefl-on Don, and as some of you may already know I have decided to extend my stay for another 2 months. So, I plan to be back in beaming Bedford sometime in March.
Last weekend we went to Cheong Wa Dae, also known as The
Blue House. Cheong Wa Dae is the office and residence of the Korean head of state.
We booked the tour three months in advance and I was truly looking forward to
it, to be inside such a significant building where the country is run would be
inspiring. In reality you don’t go inside the building, you hardly even get
close to it. Considering it is called the Cheong Wa Dae Tour it is very
disappointing and misleading, it should be called the Cheong Wa Dae Garden
Tour. Had I known this I would have been less interested, especially as it was
-5°C in the middle of December.
The sub-zero freezing tour went like this… “This is a
170-year-old tree”. Don’t care. “This is where the former presidential office
once stood”. Not concerned. “This is where foreign dignitaries stay when on
official duty in Korea”. I don’t have any flying fucks to give. It was far too
cold for sightseeing.
The following day we went to watch ROAD FC, or Korean UFC to
you and I. Now, this was interesting. Violence, ring girls, and sipping Poju
(Powerade and Soju) made for an excellent Sunday evening, and all the better as
we got free tickets (thanks Susie!).
This was my first experience of UFC. I rather enjoy boxing,
but this sport is different. It is so much more violent and seems to lack
concern for the fighters’ safety in my opinion. In boxing it seems that the
referee is willing to intervene quicker, preventing any unnecessary blows to
the head. Throughout the many fights we saw on Sunday evening the fighters were
allowed to knock a fighter to the floor (some seemed unconscious) and they are
allowed to continue punching them on the head until the ref stops the fight. I didn’t
like this aspect.
Fighters would enter the stage to their own choice of music,
most played high tempo rap or rock songs to build anticipation. But my
favourite fighter came out to Westlife’s version of You Raise Me Up. It was
hardly intimidating but he won.
The best part of the evening was the women. As if there wasn’t
enough testosterone in the bodies of every emasculated man in the audience, the
women caused quite a stir.
And speaking of women, allow me to introduce you to Song Ga-Yeon.
She is a ROAD FC fighter.
With her involved I would enjoy being her punching bag. The
beating that I’d taken would definitely be worth the semi-naked contact in an
enclosed ring.
This is a short guide to the football stadiums in Seoul and
the surround areas. The 4 most successful teams within the capital region of
Korea are; Seongnam FC, Suwon Bluewings FC, FC Seoul, and Incheon United FC.
Seongnam are currently the most successful team in Korea as
they hold a record 7 league titles, 2 FA Cups, and 2 AFC Champions League
titles. Suwon Bluewings hold 4 league titles, 3 FA Cups, and 2 AFC Champions
League titles. FC Seoul holds 5 league trophies and 1 FA Cup. And finally,
Incheon United can only brag of finishing as runners-up in the K-League in
2005. (The Korean League Cup was omitted from list of titles as it is no longer
an active trophy). These 4 teams of ranging success are located in or a short distance
from the capital city of Seoul.
There are many similarities between these stadiums. Food and drinks (including alcoholic beverages) can be bought in the concourse and can be consumed in the stands. Prices for food and drink are reasonable and will cost a little more than if they were purchased at a regular convenience store. The busiest times to buy food and drinks are just before kick-off and at half time, but even during these peak times I've never had to wait more than 5 minutes to get a drink.
The food is unfamiliar compared to the snacks sold at football games in England. Snacks on offer are usually kimbap, and dried squid - a far cry from the usual pie and chips.
Toilet access is very convenient in the large World Cup Stadiums, and due to the small crowd sizes you often don't have to queue (I'm speaking from a male point of view, I cannot comment for the female toilets).
Seoul World
Cup Stadium
Tenants: FC Seoul, and the Korean National Team
Capacity: 66,806
Opened: 2001
Average Attendance (2013): 16,607
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 24.85%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652
Subway Directions: Take
Line 6 to the World Cup Stadium station. Exit 1 or 2.
The 2002 World Cup left a legacy in Korea with the main testimony
to this being the stadiums that were left behind. The largest of those within
the capital region is the Seoul World Cup Stadium. The population of the
Republic of Korea is an estimated 50 million people and with half of those people
residing in the capital region this generates a huge potential of football
fans. Unfortunately for the current inhabitants, FC Seoul only manage to
quarter fill the ground.
Domestic games often draw crowds of around 16,000 fans and mid-week
continental games draw in less. Despite this, the loyal fans still create a
good amount of noise and sing throughout the 90 minutes. For those fans who
want to mingle among the louder, more vocal fans should buy a ticket in the
north stand. For those who wish to sit for the duration of the match should opt
for the quieter east or west stands. Away fans usually occupy the south stand.
The other occupiers of this stadium are the Korean national
team. They played their last international friendly before the 2014 World Cup
against Tunisia. For that game the attendance was 57,112, a huge increase on the usual FC Seoul faithful. For that particular game there were pre and post-match shows as the country prepared for the World Cup in Brazil. International games are usually of better quality in terms of playing ability, atmosphere, and as a general spectacle, and this was obvious to see. The Korean players that represent their country often play overseas and to have them back playing on home soil you could feel the national pride as they took to the field. It was a great experience but the added quality is represented in the match-day ticket price.
FC Seoul Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩12,000, more lucrative
seats can be purchased. There are discounted tickets for juniors, and
complimentary tickets are available for senior citizens over 65, the
handicapped, and pre-schoolers accompanied by an adult.
Republic of Korea Tickets: Tickets for international games may vary due to the status of the game. For friendlies tickets range from ₩30-100,000 for an adult ticket, and competitive international games are likely to be more expensive.
Tancheon
Stadium
Tenants: Seongnam FC
Capacity: 16,250
Opened: 2002
Average Attendance (2013): 2,825
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 17.38%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652
Subway Directions: Take
the Bundang Line to Yatap Station. Exit 3. Walk straight out of exit 3 until
you reach the river, turn left and cross the bridge. The stadium is about a 10
minute walk from the station.
The stadium is a short walk from the station but when I visited I had no directions so I asked the locals how to find it. I asked (in my best Korean) 'where is the football stadium?' (I actually, begrudgingly, said soccer as Koreans prefer the use of American English, but that's another issue). My question was met with puzzled faces as none of the people I asked knew of any stadium in the local area. I asked for directions in a local convenience store, that happened to be about 500m from the ground, and again I received no directional guidance. It's not difficult to find if you follow the directions shown above.
As the most decorated team in Korea my expectations were raised when I visited the Tancheon Stadium, the home of Seongnam FC. The arena is very eerie. When you enter you walk through long corridors that feel more like a run-down conference centre rather than football stadium. In the stands, you have access to the entire stadium. You can move freely to any part of the ground. The fans are spread so there's not really a place to specify the area to sit for the best atmosphere. This was the first football ground that I'd been to that had a running track around the pitch, you are a distance from the action on the pitch.
For football fans who seek a more modest stadium distant from the larger World Cup stadiums, then this is for you.
Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩10,000. Junior tickets can be purchased for ₩6,000, and tickets for disabled fans cost ₩3,000.
Suwon World
Cup Stadium
Tenants: Suwon Bluewings FC
Capacity: 43,959
Opened: 2001
Average Attendance (2013): 17,689
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 40.24%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652
Subway Directions:
Take the Bundang Line to Suwon Station. Exit 1, 5, or 6. Take a taxi from there
to the stadium, the taxi journey will take about 5-10 minutes and will cost
around ₩5,000-6,000.
The Suwon World Cup Stadium, nicknamed the Big Bird Stadium, is by far my favourite stadium that I have visited in Korea. There is charm to the ends not being covered, and there is so much colour it adds character that can draw your attention away from the game.
I first visited this arena during Korea's monsoon season, there was torrential rain throughout the game. As the ends of the stadium are not covered this forced a lot of fans to seek cover at the back of the stand. This led to a concentration of singing supporters. The crowd were fantastic, singing throughout. If you want mingle among the louder fans then you should buy a ticket for the north end. Highly recommended.
There were a couple of 'footballing firsts' for me at this ground. I had never before seen football fans wearing rain macs, nor had I seen football fans using umbrellas. Umbrellas are very much taboo in English football after their association with Steve "The Wolly with the Brolly" McLaren.
Suwon can boast the largest average crowd in the K-League. My experience of this stadium was very pleasurable. The game, the crowd, and the facilities were all excellent. Add to that the unpredictability of the game due to the amount of rain.
After the game there was just as much excitement. The ground staff turned the pitch watering jets on to the crowd and drenched them. Most of the supporters were already wet from the rain, but some were shielding from the jets of water behind their umbrellas. They seemed to enjoy the tomfoolery and it brought a smile to those in the other stands. As the fans exited the stadium many congregated outside to carry on their support of the team. You can see in the video below that the fans were very happy with the result of that particular game.
If you wish to attend any of the stadiums on this list my recommendation would be to the Suwon World Cup Stadium. A must-do for any football fan living in Suwon.
Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩12,000. Junior tickets cost ₩6,000, and pre-schoolers are free. There is a discounted price for disabled fans.
Incheon
Football Stadium
Tenants: Incheon United FC
Capacity: 20,891
Opened: 2012
Average Attendance (2013): 7,077
Average Attendance % by Capacity (2013): 33.88%
Average K-League Attendance (2013): 7,652
Subway Directions: Take Line 1 to Dowon station. Exit 1.
The stadium was built to replace the much larger World Cup stadium where Incheon United previously played their home games. The Incheon Football Stadium was built to host some of the football games that are due to be played during the 2014 Asian Games.
As you exit Dowon station you can immediately see Incheon Football Stadium. The stadium has a unique design as 3 of the four stands have covers which leaves one end open, this end is nearest to the station giving you a full view of the inside of the ground.
As we walked closer to the arena we walked through a children's clothes market. There were dozens of stalls just outside the ticket box. It was very odd, and seemed unimaginable compared to a match day in England.
The stadium has only been opened for a few years and is very modern. It is unassuming but there is beauty in it's simplicity. The south stand is where the 'ultras' are located and this stand even has a standing area - this I loved.
The pitch was in good condition and the football on the day was exciting as Incheon United ran out triumphant winners. Incheon United cannot compare to the other teams in this guide but this does not mean that their facilities are lacking. The United ultras cheered throughout the game but they were less vocal than other teams but this is probably due to the lower attendance.
Incheon United cannot compare their crowd size or on-field success to some of the other surrounding teams but you can still enjoy a day at the football there. A visit to Incheon Football Stadium should be must if you live close by.
Tickets: General admission adult tickets cost ₩10,000. Junior tickets cost ₩6,000. There are further discounts for disabled fans and pensioners.
We just had a bank holiday weekend and it was action packed.
Coming to Asia on of the things I wanted
to see was some form of martial art display so on Friday Karl and I went to Namsangol
Hanok Village to watch a taekwondo performance. The show merges dance and
martial arts to create great entertainment. I’m not really into dance
performances, neither am I overwhelmed by martial arts as I always considered
the people that did them after school geeks (geeks that could kick my arse) but
put them together and I thoroughly enjoyed the performance.
Martial arts are a bit weird really. If Karl had called me that morning and said 'Do you want to come round mine and watch me break some wooden planks?' I'd have said no thank you. But because these people are professional Asian wood-kickers I was well up for it.
Saturday came around and there was the much anticipated
Korea Queer Festival to be enjoyed. I have never been to a gay pride festival
before so I wasn’t too sure of what to expect. I asked a gay friend of mine and
he told me to expect the unexpected.
"They have parades. There're no parades for how I get
laid. They have parades... marching down the street to celebrate that they blow
each other, fuck each other in the ass, and smush their vaginas together or
whatever that one is. Whatever wonderful thing those folks are doing, it's none
of my business." (Louis C.K.)
Karl and I arrived in Sinchon, the first person who welcomed
me outside the station was someone who was working for the local clinic. “Free
STI checks for everyone!” They really know their target market.
We had only been there a matter of minutes before we saw our
first confrontation. Homosexuality is still taboo here in Korea, gay movements
only started fighting discrimination laws in the 1990s (according to Wikipedia). The confrontation was
between the thousands of representatives from the gay community and about 4
Christian nut-jobs. It started getting heated and had the police not intervened
it probably would have resulted in violence.
In that situation who are the crazy people? The people who
are attracted to the same gender or the guy dressed in his pyjamas telling
everyone that they’re committing an “abomination” (Leviticus 18:22) and that
they all “deserve to die” (Romans 1:32) because it was written in a book over 1,800
years ago. People used to believe that well preserved Beanie Babies would be
worth a fortune one day, and that only happened in the 90s. Sometimes people
are wrong. (Although, give it 1,800 years and my Beanie Baby collection could
be worth £40).
We met up with a gay friend who came to shed light on the
whole festival. Apparently, protesters are very common and they should be
ignored (something I couldn't bring myself to do in this blog). Anyway, we continued through the crowds, we saw a lot of stands, a lot
of love, and a lot of skin (from both genders, don’t worry). We enjoyed
the stage performances too, many gay people, drag queens, and the like who were
on stage showcasing their dancing and singing abilities. The highlight of the
show was when a transgender (I think he/she was anyway) tried to sing Beyonce’s
Crazy In Love but unfortunately he/she didn’t know the words… and was out of
time… and was out of tune. To the crowds delight he/she still gave it a go and
filled in the unknown words with “blah, blah, blah”. Very funny.
At the end of the show the parade started. This was
certainly a first for me, not only was this my first time in attendance at a
gay pride parade, it was also my first time partaking in the march. With a
cocktail in hand, and wearing the gay pride flag as a cape I was fully immersed
in the day, I was ready to throw on a pair of leather hot pants with the
arsecheeks cut out.
The parade came to a halt only half-a-mile in. The Christian
nuts had taken it upon themselves to stop everyone’s fun. They were sat in the
middle of the road bringing an end to the festivities. The police were drafted
in again, this time to protect the selfish, insane, prejudice, close-minded, homophobes.
The thousands of parade marchers were growing restless, they were ready to
throw buckets of cum and glitter on the Christians for ruining their fun. It’s
a shame that a mere 20 or so Christians can ruin the fun of thousands on a day
which is to be celebrated not targeted.
This is the kind of Christian I can get on board with.
The interruption was a perfect opportunity for a toilet
break. I nipped into the nearest Tom N Toms only to find that there was only a
single cubicle. I waited patiently, and as the guy in the cubicle left he was
followed by another gentleman. I guess it was the day to be proud.
During the wait a friend of mine checked his Grinder app on
his phone and it was crazy! An app which is designed to find the nearest gay
person to you so you can meet and ‘hook up’. It’s slightly different than
straight apps such as Tinder, which measure available singles in miles, Grinder
measures available singles in feet. Lo and behold there was a gay man only 6
feet away, I could see him! He was ready to fuck!
Those kinds of Christians really bother me. What do they
really expect when protesting at those events? All the gay people to say “I’ve
seen the light, I’m now straight and a devout Christian!” No, of course that’s
an unrealistic thing to expect. They’re gay, they cannot change who they are.
All the Christians are doing is making gay people, and others hate their
religion. People were at the festival to celebrate being gay, drink, party, and
have a good time not to convert. We stayed a little longer before we got bored
and found a nearby pub.
Sunday was soon upon us and we decided to do some
sightseeing, we went to Changdeokgung Palace and the palace's Secret Gardens, as I write it on here it becomes far less secret. A less dramatic day than
before but beautiful all the same.
