Istanbul - 1,551 Miles From Home

I’ve put the Indian nightmare behind me and finally completed my 16-month tour with the last stop was in Istanbul. The past 4 weeks have varied in experience from one extreme to the other, but the food has been exceptional throughout. Most recently I’ve traded in Chinese and Indian food for liberal helpings of Turkish kebabs. I need to invest in a workout DVD, maybe I’ll get Jade Goody’s as we both dislike Indians.

I really enjoyed my time in Istanbul. It’s a beautiful, clean city that has a lot of history. I was very sceptical of the people, but they have turned out to be very kind and welcoming*.

The Hagia Sophia Museum (formerly a mosque)

The Grand Bazaar

A highlight was taking a cruise down the Bosphorus, the body of water that separates the Istanbul and the continents of Europe and Asia, a must do if you’re ever here. About halfway into the cruise we moored and explored The Fortress of Rumeli, learning about some of the history of the Ottoman Empire.

The Fortress of Rumeli

An experience that I was persuaded into was going to a Turkish bathhouse. I was expecting something similar to the jjimjjilbang of Korea (a nude spa). I went with my dad; we stripped down, donned a towel and made our way to the sauna. It was very quiet in there and we enjoyed the freedom of the sauna before being summoned for our body scrubs. I walked through to a separate room, removed my towel only to see that the other men getting scrubbed were wearing swimming shorts. I exposed myself to many Turkish men. The towel went back on and the scrubbing commenced. Much like the jjimjjilbang experience they take the dead skin off you with a Brillo pad. After the scrub they give you a "massage". I think I got the massager who was racist toward English people because this was less of a massage and more of a battering. He kicked the shit out of me and I paid for the ordeal. He twisted me like a pretzel, and pressed me into the stone bed that I was lying on. The Turkish bath is a painful experience.

Combined with the Korean spa, I’ve been rubbed down by more men in the past month than I was hoping to in my entire life.

Turkey has left me with two regrets, the first is not being able to take in a football match. Unfortunately I have been here during the international break, and even Turkey was playing their 2 games away from home. The second is that I didn’t get a chance to head to the Syrian border and check out what those IS lads are up to. I suppose I have a couple of reasons to come back.

The view of Europe from the Bosphorus

Back to England tomorrow, I think I’ll be the most excited person on the plane back to London Luton. 

* I must disclose that despite my pleasant encounters with Turkish people, they still have a poor human rights record, hence why they are not in the EU, and that they invaded and occupy Cyprus. I must apologise to the Greek Cypriots that might be reading this; I’m sorry for enjoying Turkey and for “pumping money into their economy”.

Korean Delicacies at Gwangjang Market, and Eating Dog (Bosintang)

A few months ago I went with a ‘friend’ to Gwangjang Market in Seoul. It’s a pretty standard market with a huge array of Korean delicacies, of which I tried some of them. All the food that we ate was washed down with beer and soju - it's the Korean way. 

One of the more normal dishes I tried at Gwangjang was yukhoe. Yukhoe is seasoned raw ground beef topped with a raw egg, or as it’s more commonly known in other countries as ‘E.coli topped with salmonella’. The taste was uninspiring, I tried to explain to the waiter that both ingredients tasted better when cooked, but there must have been a language barrier. I read after I had eaten it that in 2011, 5 Japanese people died and 35 were hospitalised after eating yukhoe. Jamie Oliver can say what he likes about the standard of school dinners in the UK, but 10 years of eating Turkey Twizzlers probably saved my life. My stomach could probably fight off a pint of bleach without much hassle.

Some men like breast, others like legs, but the foot fetish guys are always the weirdest – and the same applies for chicken. Dakbal, as it’s known in Korea, is a dish of spicy chicken feet. The look and sound horrific but in actuality they taste OK. The initial thought of popping one in your mouth is the worst part, but my question is ‘why bother?’ When there are so many better parts to eat; a succulent breast, a tender thigh, I was struggling to think of a reason to eat chewy, meatless feet. It was an experience that I shall not repeat.

The waste not, want not culture of Korean food doesn’t stop with chicken feet, the Koreans also enjoy jokbal which is a dish consisting of pig trotters cooked in soy sauce. I tried this dish in Gwangjang Market and it left me unfulfilled. Friends had told me prior that it was delicious, a delight not to be missed. Well, what I ate was disgusting. It was extremely tough to chew, pretty much all skin, and served cold. I was told after that this is not how it should have been served. So I’ve literally experienced the worst kind of jokbal available.

Beondegi is a dish that I haven’t been brave enough to try. The main reason being that beondegi is silkworms and they smell exactly as you’d imagine a steamed bowl of silkworms would smell. Fucking rank. It’s another case of ‘why?’ I’m sure that when food supplies were scarce you had to make do with what food was available, but nowadays Korea has one of the strongest economies in the world. Even Bear Grylls would turn his nose up at beondegi. 

And, probably by far, the most commonly known food to come from Korea, is of course dog soup (bosintang). There is a lot of controversy regarding the consumption of dog meat, and many state that it is technically illegal to eat. So, for the record I definitely did not eat bosintang on the 23^rd February around 4pm, but if a fictional person in Korea were to go to a restaurant and eat bosintang it might look like this (right).

If one were to eat it, they might say that it tastes like low grade beef, and that it's as chewy as a piece of leather, and that it's likely that they'll pick it out of their teeth for a week. But, who actually knows? That's just the imaginary opinion of a fictitious person. 

I won't be rushing out to get another bowl anytime soon...I mean that person won't be rushing out. But, as the saying goes "it could be worse, you could be Scouse, eating rats in your council house".

I'm just reporting on this, but leave me alone with your pet at your own risk. 

Often in my classes my students are all too happy to tell me that they once visited England and “experienced” British cuisine. They say it’s salty and horrible. Food is subjective, and in my personal opinion I’d much rather have a Sunday roast than bulgogi, and I’d share a bucket of vindaloo with Fat Les rather than eat chicken feet, but each to their own. 

Eat Well, Travel Often

With new cultures comes new experiences and often the first way to submerge yourself into a new land is to tuck into the local cuisine. Before coming to Korea I had never tried Korean food. Chinese food has become a British favourite since one of the earliest migration waves in the 1950’s, and Indian food is even more popular as curry has been labelled a British classic along with bangers and mash, and fish and chips. But with only 45,000 Koreans living in Britain, as of 2011, Korean food has never been an available dining option, for me anyhow.

The first Korean food that I was introduced to was Kimchi. Kimchi isn’t a main course, it’s a side dish but it is probably the most famous Korean food. It is served with anything and everything, whether you order it or not you will receive kimchi. So you’re thinking that ‘this must be the best side dish ever, it must be so delicious that I must find the nearest Korean market and buy some?!’ Well, I probably wouldn’t go out of your way to try it. Kimchi is cabbage that is allowed to ferment in jars underground for a period of time, which is then served in a spicy/sour sauce. The Koreans love it, they will bulk buy it and have separate kimchi fridges which can contain a year’s supply of the stuff. I’ve tried it a few times but, for me it’s very average. There’s even a kimchi museum, there’s nothing at that museum that would ever entice me to go. At least at the Guinness Factory they give you the history of the drink, and then you get a pint of Guinness, but who wants complimentary fermented cabbage?!

The first meal that I went for on my own was difficult to say the least. I went for a walk looking for breakfast. I wasn’t fussy, I’d have settled for a coffee and a slice of toast, this I never found. Sure, many coffee shops but only bagels and waffles for sale. I managed to stumble across a Paris Baguette (like Greggs but not as good), just what I thought I was looking for. When I entered the shop I noticed no baguettes and more importantly no breakfast food, I settled for a slice of pizza and an apple pie at 9:30 in the morning. Things could only get better. 

I have tried many things whilst in Korea (most of which I have no idea what it was or called), but something that my taste buds recognised was a dish called pajeon. Pajeon is essentially a pancake filled with spring onion, it was really good. But the taste I was familiar with became apparent when I dipped the pajeon in soy sauce. When glazed in the sauce it tasted exactly like roast beef Monster Munch. I got a little taste of home when I ate that. Not my favourite flavour of Monster Munch by the way. Well, if you’re asking:

1.       Pickled Onion

2.       Flamin’ Hot

3.       Roast Beef

Noodles is the dish that I have eaten the most as it’s the only Korean food I can order when I’m on my own. I often become too reliant on Korean speaking friends to order for me and when I’m left to my own devices I end up with ramen. I tried to mix it up one day by ordering the cheese ramen. When it arrived it was standard ramen with a slice of processed cheese on it. Mmm, delicious. Korea doesn’t really do cheese, it’s a rarity. Some people can’t live without cheese, I’m not one of them, I’ve never craved it but even so you can’t advertise a cheese dish and then bring it out with a slice of processed plastic on it. 

As I’ve mentioned pretty much all the Korean food I’ve tried has been very nice, with the exception of one dish. Pat guksu. Puréed beans and noodles, when I had it the ‘chef’ added salt and sugar to the mix, I’ve since learned that you have one or the other – not both. It was disgusting; it was as bad as it looked.

My chopstick game has increased ten-fold. I was very much an amateur before I arrived but I’m getting pretty handy with them, just need the practise. It’s not quite like riding a bike though; if I leave it a couple of days without using them I forget the technique. What I don’t understand is that Asian people have seen knives, forks, and spoons but still persist with the chop-stick. When I first arrived I struggled so much that I went out and bought a knife, fork, and spoon and I carried them around with me in case of emergencies. I felt like Joey from Friends.

The school I work for were very accommodating during my orientation period, they offered breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for free which I was not expecting. The only downside to their generosity was all the food was vegetarian, maybe I shouldn’t grumble but there’s only so long I can last without real food. Ron Swanson describes vegetables as “the food that my food eats”. So a tradition was started on Friday 20^th December, 2013 – Chicken Fridays, an afternoon of only chicken and beer (a favourite Korean combination). Working for the SDA organisation our teaching schedule is done by midday on Fridays, so a few (non-vegetarian, alcoholic beverage drinking) teachers get together to celebrate the end of the working week.

Street food is very popular here, the closest thing we get to street food in the UK is a doner van (and no, I’m not talking about Kylie’s ex). Sometimes you’ll encounter something normal like a chicken shish kebab, basically chicken on a stick. It doesn’t sound that great but it really is, you get the choice of spicy or barbeque sauces and you apply the sauces using a paint brush. Other times it’ll be a little less normal, I’ve seen some blokes selling potatoes out of an old oil drum. The weirdest was a van selling crabs, I’ve got crabs in the back of a van before but not like this! An open van with whole crabs for sale, it was incredible, I’d never seen it before.

(Picture taken from Blog of the Morning Calm)

The markets are very interesting places too. They’ve got the standard fruit and veg for sale but no one shouting “pound ya bananas, two pand ya pears” (you’ll have to affect a cockney accent for that one). Then there are the things you don’t see in and English market. Fish are available in three stages in Korea; tanked, frozen, and dried, and dried is by far the strangest.

The tiny dried fish are served as a pub snack in the same way, crisps and peanuts are given out in bars in normal countries. I tried one of these little fish, it tasted very… fishy. A strong taste, exactly the kind of smell you want on your breath when you’re in a bar and talking to ladies. In future I’m going to bring my own pork scratchings.

The choice of snacks, most notably chocolate is very poor in Korea. I have a sweet tooth and often crave a chocolate bar, but the chocolate choices are minimal; Twix, Snickers and Ghana. Ghana is very average (it’s got a long way to go before it rivals Cadbury’s), I’m not too keen on Snickers, and I’m now bored of Twix’s. I’ve only been here for just over a month, it’s going to be a long year. I’m really craving some good chocolate. I question this country’s standards when, in the confectionary aisle they stock shrimp and wasabi coated peanuts but don’t have Haribo Tangfastics. If someone is feeling generous then please send me some sugary treats.

Speaking of home comforts I had my first cup of tea in seven weeks only a few days ago, and I mean the proper stuff none of that green tea nonsense. I paid about £4 for that cup of tea but it was definitely worth it. The strangest thing about it was that the tea came in a knitted tea bag, quite peculiar. Probably the classiest teabag I’ve ever seen.

The greatest food-related discovery I have made since I have been in Korea happened today. In England, around Christmas time people often struggle for gift ideas for people they hardly know, or for the office Secret Santa, and the last resort presents are often a gift set, usually wine or Lynx shower gel depending on your budget. But this gift set is by far the best and worst one I’ve ever seen. Yep, that’s a Spam gift set. You’ve really got to think very little of someone to get them a Spam gift set, and it’ll only cost you £20. Spam is genuinely terrible, there’s probably more nutritional value in eating the label than there is eating the “meat” inside the can. I don’t think I’d ever eat it. Paul Burrell popped a kangaroo testicle in his gob but I think he’d even draw the line at Spam. Amazing.

So, what’s my favourite food in Korea? This may make me sound a little narrow minded and that I should broaden my horizons but my favourite Korean food is a toasted sandwich from Isaac Toast. Yes, I’ve travelled to the other side of the world and my favourite meal is a toastie. They are so good. If you’re living in Korea and you’re reading this, get one. I used to think toasted sandwiches were pretty universal; bread, filler, bread. Isaac Toast do it so right, it’s magnificent. I go almost every day for lunch, I’m even thinking of packing in the teaching and opening an Isaac Toast franchise in England, I’d make a fortune.

So, that’s my food adventure so far. And before you ask – no, I haven’t had dog yet. One day though…