Mumbai - 7,187 Miles from Home

OK, so I recently read back my last blog post about Hong Kong and Macao and I noticed numerous grammar mistakes. My excuse is that I wrote it while at the bar in Hong Kong airport waiting for my flight. Regardless, I will try my super harderest to minimise the grammar mistakes this time round.

I arrived in Mumbai in the early hours of the 12^th. The taxi took me to my hotel and the first thing I encountered was the poverty in India. There are quite literally thousands of people sleeping in the streets, so many in fact that the pavements are full and people sleep in the roads and the cars drive around them.

The daylight dawned and I got my first real glimpse of India. It’s insanity here. The first thing that I was really aware of is the never-ending threat of disease. When I walk down the street I’m consciously thinking about avoiding the stray dogs that carry rabies, the dirty puddles with cholera, the mosquitoes with malaria, and the people with every form of hepatitis.

If you manage to avoid those threats you then put your life on a knife-edge when you get inside a taxi in India. The taxis are about 50 years old, they are old tin buckets on wheels. I’ve been sat inside them thinking that if this taxi is in a minor collision then I will definitely die. And of course, there are no seat belts. If the thought of dying in a sardine tin wasn’t terrifying enough then the way they drive will provoke a heart-attack. They have mirrors, but you wouldn’t think so. They pull out in traffic whether there’s a space or not, and drive by sound. The drivers listen for other’s horns. A taxi journey in India is up there with skydiving.

As I walk around the streets of Mumbai I realise that I stick out like a saw thumb. Sometimes when you’re out and about you might be in a bad neighbourhood and you might think to yourself ‘I wouldn’t like to take a wrong turn in this part of town’. Well, that’s not possible in Mumbai because every area is the wrong part of town.

A few days in I took a boat trip out to Elephanta Island, the boat trip was relaxing, out on the Arabian Sea, away from the death-trap taxis, and the noise. However, when on the island I found out that it’s inhabited by aggressive, thieving monkeys. There’s no rest from it! I’m now avoiding stray dogs, mosquitoes, goats, cows, chickens, dirty water, and now monkeys with only a selfie-stick to defend myself with.

The sightseeing has been fun despite the unbearable heat and the unstoppable sweating. I’ve been to; The Gateway of India, Chowpatty Beach, Shree Siddhivinayak Hindu Temple, the Haji Ali Daragah (an island mosque), and the Sanjay Ghandi National Park.

The famous Gateway of India

The Haji Ali Dargah Mosque and part of the Mumbai skyline

The most interesting tale comes from when I tried to go to the Vipassana Pagoda in the northern reaches of Mumbai. I asked the hotel staff how to get there and they said that a taxi would be too expensive (£8) and that I should opt for the train (£0.15), so I did.

At the train station, the man who issued my ticket explained the route that I needed to take. The only problem was that he had one of the strongest Indian accents I’ve ever come across. Being the polite Brit I asked him to repeat the instructions, but again I didn’t understand. So, I went on my way without a clue how to get there (and the only maps available were in Hindi). All I gathered was platform 3, something in a broad Indian accent, Borivali Station (my destination).

The trains are exactly how you’ve seen them on TV and film. The doors are wide open, no concern for safety, and people hanging on for dear life.

It was a slow train, and stop after I was hoping to see Borivali Station. I waited but it never came. Before I knew it, it was the end of the line and I had no idea where I was.

And this is where I ended up...

I went up to the ticket counter and asked how to get to Borivali. He ignored my distress and issued me another ticket (this time 20p – robbing bastards). Well, back on the train I suppose. This time it’s packed and I’m in second class. I trust no one. I wear my bag on my chest and my hand stays firmly on my camera. It’s ridiculously hot, I’m the only white person in the carriage, I feel unsafe, and I’m clueless to where I’m actually going. So I think “fuck it, let’s get a taxi”. At that particular moment I wouldn’t have minded paying £9 for a taxi, I just wanted to get off. I got off at the next station (wherever that was) and ask a taxi driver to go to the Vipassana Pagoda, but he’s never heard of it. I’m so lost, so far from Mumbai that even the taxi drivers couldn't help me. On that day, all I knew was that I was in India, it was a pretty scary thought. Well, back on the train I suppose.

Back on the heaving, smelly, grotty train (can you tell that the novelty wore off pretty quickly?), and a kind, softly spoken man helped me. He told me to get off at a station called Dadar and change lines. Thank you, random softly spoken Indian man. I get to Dadar and there are about 8 lines. I went to the ticket queue and ask which line I need. Unfortunately, I’m still too far from the international part of Mumbai and no one understands me, and my Hindi hasn’t improved since the last encounter. With my possessions still intact, I opt to cut my losses and head back to Mumbai.

The next day I tried again and managed to get there, and what a sight it was.

The view of the Global Vipassana Pagoda from the water.

India is a crazy, trying place. It’s certainly not a relaxing holiday destination. I think I would have been bothered by it a lot more had I not been eating delicious curries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My Indian journey doesn't end here. Next stop - Delhi.

Had the City on Lockdown: Closing Thoughts on Korea

My time in Korea has finally concluded. I am setting off on my next adventure which will take me from Seoul to Taipei, Hong Kong, Macau, Mumbai, New Delhi, and Istanbul before a long awaited return to England. Korea has been filled with many new experiences, and good memories, but I thought I’d collate some of the things I will and won’t miss about the Land of the Morning Calm.

Things I Won’t Miss About Korea

1. The Unbearably Hot Summers – Temperatures soar to 40°C in the height of the summer, and added to this blazing heat is 90% humidity. Forget having an ice-cold cider in a pub garden, I’m sweating in my undies standing underneath my air-conditioner.
2. The Unbearably Cold Winters – You’d think that the tropical summer climate would even out to hospitable winters. Wrong! The temperature drops to -20°C. It gets that cold that the hookers on The Hill charge ₩20,000 just to blow your hands.
3. The Food – I’m not talking about Korean food, some of that stuff’s good. I’m talking about foreign food made by Koreans. It costs 3 times as much, and tastes half as good. There’s a reason why the Italians never put sweet potato on a pizza, and the Mexicans haven’t put fermented cabbage in tacos, they do not belong. Stop Korean fusion, please.
4. American English – When learning English as a second language it’s completely reasonable to prefer one dialect to another. But just because I don’t pronounce my R’s like some hillbilly pirate doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
5. The Inability to Queue – The concept of ‘first come, first served’ is foreign to Koreans. The number of times I have been standing in a queue, waiting patiently to be served (like a good Brit should) and an elderly person has cut the line is untold. Rules don’t apply to older people in Korea because they are to be respected. I tried to learn “Oi, coffin dodger! Get to the back of the queue!” in Korean, but I don’t think it translates.
6. Manners and Courtesy – I’m not asking much, just some acknowledgment that I stopped a door from slamming in your face. Or that when I’m standing next to you on the subway platform that you don’t cough up a throatful of phlegm.

It’s not all negative; there are some things I will miss!

Things I Will Miss About Korea

1. The Cost of Living - Everyday essentials are just cheaper here than back home. A pint of beer costs less than £2, and a journey on the subway costs around £0.60. You can save a lot of money over the year from the reduced living expense, which you can then spend on more beer.
2. The Women - Going back to England I will be going cold turkey. Asian women are like a drug, giving up heroin would be easier. I'm heading home to a land of white women. Who wants them? I mean, apart from other white guys, black guys, Asian guys, and lesbians...I suppose anyone without an Asian fetish.
3. Honesty - Korea is by far the most honest country I have visited. I experienced no threat from Koreans, they are too honest to deceive and steal. In fact, the dodgiest people in Korea are the foreigners. It will take me a while to adjust back to not trusting people.
4. Being Different - I'm a Daily Mail nightmare. I'm a liberal, foreign immigrant, that doesn't speak the local language, and muslim. OK, that last one isn't true, but the rest are. Foreigners are treated well in Korea, I'm treated as a commodity here. Locals want to talk to me and be my friend, whereas in the UK I'm just another emotionally repressed, moaning, overly polite, pessimistic Brit. Although, I like being that too.
5. The Internet Speed - According to some reports, South Korea has the world's fastest average download speed. There's nothing more infuriating than a slow internet connection. Did you know that 57% of domestic abuse in the UK happened as a result of slow internet connections? OK, I made that statistic up, but it's believable, isn't it? Despite having the luxury of the world's fastest download speed adult content is illegal in Korea. So it's very much a win-lose situation.
6. FFs - It's a quaint club in Hongdae, Seoul. We go there every Saturday and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Karl Egan sir, he's got knobrot off some tart'
7. Teaching - It was a job that I had never tried before and never really saw myself doing, but I'm glad I tried it. For the most part it was a great experience, teaching adults is a joy, and the kids are a lot of fun. Sure, you have days with the kids when you start to justify child abuse, but that's part of the challenge. If you're considering teaching abroad you should.
8. The People - I met some great new friends, and some average ones too. Who knows if I'll see them again, but they made my Korean journey all the more fun.

The original gang who helped me settle quickly in Korea.

Fried Chicken Fridays (minus Johnny, I couldn't find one of us all together!)

The South Africans from down south

Two more Saffas.

The Korea Burn Gang

My mong partner in crime

A few of the little bastards

Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover

That is wonderful advice; you shouldn't prejudge something by its outward appearance alone, but I can’t speak or read Korean so the outward appearance of the country is all I have to go by!

When I arrived at my school they didn’t take me to my apartment straight away, they informed me that I would be spending the first two weeks living with the other new teachers which they described as the “settling in period”, which meant I was sharing an apartment with 5 other guys. This actually turned out to be really good, it gave us all an opportunity to meet new people, everyone felt welcome, and we created a small community between all of the thirteen new teachers (6 guys and 7 girls in the apartment below ours). Anyway, compared to staying in a hostel anything would have been nice. Hostels lack basic human rights, often unclean, unsafe, and living quarters that make you feel like you're staying in a battery farm. Also, some of the people that stay in hostels are just some of the worst, good-for-nothing slackers you’re ever likely to meet. I met one guy in Sydney who had been living in a hostel for over 18 months, he hadn’t worked a day in that time and sponged off his girlfriend, and yet I can’t get a girlfriend. Mental. I digress.

The Korean people were the first thing in Korea that seemed different to the norm that I had been accustomed with in England. Most seem to lack common courtesy, manners, and men spit in the street like it’s a casual thing to do (therefore abolishing the 10 second rule in Korea). No one will hold a door for you, and when you do offer the smallest gesture of good-will no one says please or thank you. Despite this the Korean people aren’t being rude; it has been explained to me that saying ‘thank you’ is assumed and people are coarse because it’s their culture. Often an old man or lady will barge through you in a busy market or station purely because the shortest distance from them to their destination is through you, and as they are more senior you must respect them and move out of their way. It’s just the way it is out here.

Another peculiarity that will be obvious to all foreigners in South Korea is the constant threat of road dangers. Motorcycles will relentlessly ride on the pavements, they have the right of way on the footpaths and roads. When I saw first a motorbike on the pavement I just thought it was some nutter who did what he wanted, but in fact it’s the entire country that drives like this. There are no official designated street parking spots in Seoul either so cars will also mount the walkways to park. As a pedestrian, nowhere is safe. Then there’s jaywalking, it is illegal to jaywalk in Korea, but there are often no pavements, which means you have to walk in the road, it makes no sense.

Speaking of the lack of safety I observed some building work that was occurring outside our apartment. No hard-hats or hi-visibility jackets in sight, but that was the least of their problems. This particular day they were throwing bricks off the 5th floor of a building into an open top truck on the ground. That seemed like a good idea, throw heavy items from great heights near passing pedestrians. Like I said, nowhere is safe. Some bricks would land in the truck, some would land in and bounce out, and others would miss completely. There was one bloke at the bottom who had the job of collecting the stray bricks, I'm assumed he was the apprentice. 

On occasions the public are cared for, take this for example. 

These are class cabinets which enclose gas masks, sometimes referred to as "nation masks". These are to be used in the event of chemical warfare. Aren't the government kind, supplying 60 nation masks on each platform to the 6.9 million daily riders of the Seoul Metro network.

Seoul is a dense, thriving city of flashing lights. Every corner you turn there’s another flashing neon sign. It can be mesmeric. As most of the signs are in Korean I often ignore the text and just absorb the pretty colours. But there have been signs that I’ve stopped at and just thought “what?!” Like these two for example…

Kissing Girls makes you look LOVELY and To Me you ARE PERFECT. I’m not sure why they have used the capital letters, but more importantly these are clothing and shoe shops, the names of the shops would hardly encourage anyone to step inside and have a browse. I don’t really know if these were the desired names for the shops or if they are the result of poor translation, either way I’m happy that they exist.

Some of the signs are wonderful, you go from the misunderstood to the quite incredible. This is a sign for a Korean restaurant. They went all out.

The Korean fashion is another strange one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Gok Wan, down the years my wardrobe has consisted of (mostly) football shirts and sale items from Topman so maybe I shouldn’t be one to judge but the ‘designer labels’ out here are tragic. It’s like they haven’t moved on from 1994, brands that you haven’t heard of in 20 years and they’re still popular. Brands you wouldn’t be seen dead in back in England; Kappa, Gola, Hi-Tec, Mizuno, Fila, Le Coq Sportif, Asics. They still sell over here! I don’t want to ruin the 90s for the Koreans but Take That split up and Bill Clinton gets a blow job. Move on.

Some things that are marvellous in Korea are the elevators, you can unclick the button. No need to stop at the wrong floor after pressing the wrong button by mistake, just unclick it. It stops stupid teenagers from pressing all the levels and then running away, because that’s only funny when you do it to someone else. Another thing that is great is the service at restaurants. All tables have door bells on them, when you want to summon the waiter/waitress for service you ring the bell and they come over. You can get their attention without having to awkwardly raise your hand or inconveniently stop them when they have already noticed and ignored you. It’s a fantastic idea. The best place I have seen one of these door bells was on the inside of a cubicle in a public toilet. We’ve all been there, sat down then realised there’s no paper, not such an issue in your own home as you waddle to fetch some yourself. But if that situation occurs in a public toilet then you’ve got to have that awkward conversation with the person in the next stall. Not in Korea though, you ring that bell and everyone in the building knows you didn’t check the toilet roll supply before you sat down to have a shit. Yes, much better. 

I Had Reached my Final Destination but my Journey Had Just Begun

I arrived in Seoul to freezing temperatures, something that was so foreign to me having spent over 3 weeks in the tropical conditions of Thailand and Australia. I stepped out of the airport and I fully understood how Sanka Coffie felt when he flew from Jamaica to Canada.

Upon arrival I was due to meet up with my good friend Josh who has been living in Korea for the past 6 months, but unfortunately due to his teaching schedule he was working that particular evening and I had to find my way to his local subway station. He had given me very clear, well written instructions to make it from the airport to Ganseok Station near Incheon, with the final destination a pub called Cheers.

Before I started my expedition from the airport I tried to contact my friends and family to inform them of my safe arrival in Seoul. Unfortunately, I could not receive any phone signal nor could I find a (free) wireless connection in the airport. So I thought I would set off regardless based on the assumption that everyone in the know knew what time my flight was due to land and barring any reported aircraft disasters my friends and family would assume that I was safe.

I set off on the (initially) mind-blowing subway network. Struggling the pronunciations of many of the stations and working out which stations to change at to make sure I was on the correct lines. I had only been in the country a short while, maybe an hour when I noticed that there are very few foreigners in South Korea. On that particular journey on the subway I noticed that everyone was Korean. Rick Ross once rapped that he was “the only fat n**** in the sauna with Jews”. In this circumstance I was the only white person in a carriage with Koreans, it doesn’t have the same ring to it but the message is still the same.

The journey was due to take 1 hour and 20 minutes in total but due to my inexperience of the public transport network in Korea, and because I was carrying very heavy luggage, the journey took a lot longer. The strangest moment of my journey was yet to come; I was happily minding my own business waiting on the train for my station when two men boarded the carriage holding hands. Now, two men holding hands doesn’t bother me in the slightest but they didn’t seem to be homosexual men. They were both dressed in quite casual clothing, both in their 50s, far from flamboyant, and didn’t strike me a gay. I thought that men holding hands is probably an acceptable custom in Korea without people assuming that they are gay. So I ignored it, which made me feel wonderful, as I thought I was fitting into Korean culture so quickly! The two men then started talking to me as if I was a local. I said to them, in English, that I didn’t speak Korean, but that was pretty much a waste of time as they continued to speak Korean and I politely smiled and nodded. I can only assume that as I smiled and nodded I inadvertently agreed to something that I wish I hadn’t as one of the men began to hold my hand. If you had been on that particular train, on that particular day you would have seen three men holding hands and I was the only one that had no idea what was going on! Luckily my stop arrived and I made a swift exit. I have since asked Koreans if that was a normal experience and they have told me that what I experienced on that day was truly unique. Lucky me.

I had finally arrived at Cheers. I had a couple of hours to kill as I waiting for Josh to finish work so I sat back and relaxed. The hours passed and finally Josh and his very good friend James walked through the entrance to the pub! I was as happy to see them as they were to see me. James had asked Josh what I looked like so he knew who to look for, Josh described me as a ‘bearded white man’, which is very accurate.

It was at this stage that they questioned why I hadn’t contacted anyone that I had arrived in Seoul safely. I explained that I had no connectivity and that the last instructions I received were to meet them at Cheers. Josh told me that there has been global panic of my whereabouts. No one had seen or heard from me in 20 hours since I left Sydney the day before and unaware of the trepidation that was happening in England, Australia, and Korea I was happily enjoying a few pints without a care in the world. That night James, Josh, and I went out and caught up over a few more beers.

The following morning was confirmed with a stinking hangover. I awoke on Josh’s sofa, as I looked around I wondered “where on earth am I?” It took a while to load the last memories of the night before, and things became clear again. But, it was the first realisation that I was in South Korea, a country I never thought I would ever live in but there I was, fully clothed from the night before and with a hangover you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemies. Living the dream.

Since I’ve been in Korea I have met some great people. The first was Josh’s roommate, James, a very adventurous character that enjoys a night out. As the morning unfolded the damaging effects became apparent, Josh’s knee had given way and was troubling him dearly. So much in fact that he claimed that he may not be able to make it out that night in Seoul. James did very little to comfort him and gave him all the convincing he needed by coining the phrase “what tequila will break, tequila will fix”.

Another fantastic person that I’ve met during my short stint in Korea is Susie, James’ girlfriend. A wonderful Korean girl who lights up our nights out with her occasional misunderstanding of English. She has an innocence that maybe I take advantage of when I try to expand her English vocabulary. In Josh and James’ local, Woodstock, they have a brick wall that frequenters of the bar will write messages on.

Often it’s just names and dates, other people will put the URL address of their blog, which is exactly what Josh did. He wrote www.trainersnthat.com on the wall. So I thought it would be funny, and I still do to some extent, to write Tits n Muff on the wall. 

Susie unacquainted with these two words asked what they meant, and rather than explain the definition I decided I would help her by drawing a picture. 

She understood but seemed to be impressed with the choice of words that I was educating her with. Josh and James were also unhappy that I had ruined the wall of their local and confiscated the marker from me. The wall had years’ worth of good will messages, tags, and memories on it and on my first visit to the pub I had ruined the wall. I have also taught Susie the word ‘pubes’ and the expression ‘shove it’. It always seems funny at the time but I will likely draw comparisons to Kev from Derek (a Ricky Gervais TV show, watch it if you haven’t already).

My first few days in Korea had been different and exciting, but made very easy with the welcome from Josh, James, and Susie. Unfortunately their schedules all resulted with them returning to work on Monday morning while I wasn’t due into work until Tuesday afternoon so it was already decided that I would spend the next few nights in a hotel. It was at that point that I realised I was on my own for a few days and knew nothing about the country and only one word of the language. That word was ‘annyeong’, which means ‘hello’, and I only learned that from Arrested Development! I lived through the next few days by pointing and using hand gestures to the best of my ability. I survived but only just.