Istanbul - 1,551 Miles From Home

I’ve put the Indian nightmare behind me and finally completed my 16-month tour with the last stop was in Istanbul. The past 4 weeks have varied in experience from one extreme to the other, but the food has been exceptional throughout. Most recently I’ve traded in Chinese and Indian food for liberal helpings of Turkish kebabs. I need to invest in a workout DVD, maybe I’ll get Jade Goody’s as we both dislike Indians.

I really enjoyed my time in Istanbul. It’s a beautiful, clean city that has a lot of history. I was very sceptical of the people, but they have turned out to be very kind and welcoming*.

The Hagia Sophia Museum (formerly a mosque)

The Grand Bazaar

A highlight was taking a cruise down the Bosphorus, the body of water that separates the Istanbul and the continents of Europe and Asia, a must do if you’re ever here. About halfway into the cruise we moored and explored The Fortress of Rumeli, learning about some of the history of the Ottoman Empire.

The Fortress of Rumeli

An experience that I was persuaded into was going to a Turkish bathhouse. I was expecting something similar to the jjimjjilbang of Korea (a nude spa). I went with my dad; we stripped down, donned a towel and made our way to the sauna. It was very quiet in there and we enjoyed the freedom of the sauna before being summoned for our body scrubs. I walked through to a separate room, removed my towel only to see that the other men getting scrubbed were wearing swimming shorts. I exposed myself to many Turkish men. The towel went back on and the scrubbing commenced. Much like the jjimjjilbang experience they take the dead skin off you with a Brillo pad. After the scrub they give you a "massage". I think I got the massager who was racist toward English people because this was less of a massage and more of a battering. He kicked the shit out of me and I paid for the ordeal. He twisted me like a pretzel, and pressed me into the stone bed that I was lying on. The Turkish bath is a painful experience.

Combined with the Korean spa, I’ve been rubbed down by more men in the past month than I was hoping to in my entire life.

Turkey has left me with two regrets, the first is not being able to take in a football match. Unfortunately I have been here during the international break, and even Turkey was playing their 2 games away from home. The second is that I didn’t get a chance to head to the Syrian border and check out what those IS lads are up to. I suppose I have a couple of reasons to come back.

The view of Europe from the Bosphorus

Back to England tomorrow, I think I’ll be the most excited person on the plane back to London Luton. 

* I must disclose that despite my pleasant encounters with Turkish people, they still have a poor human rights record, hence why they are not in the EU, and that they invaded and occupy Cyprus. I must apologise to the Greek Cypriots that might be reading this; I’m sorry for enjoying Turkey and for “pumping money into their economy”.

There's Too Much On Display at a Jjimjilbang

A jjimjilbang is a spa/bath house, they are very common in Korea. Jjimjilbangs are always touted as a tourist “must do” but, I never really got round to it, until this week.

The first time I became aware of a jjimjilbang was around a year ago when I was sitting in a pub in Bupyeong with Toner and James. The conversation got onto jjimjilbangs, and due to my lack of insight I asked, “what’s a jimjil-thing?” James went on to explain and, James being James, suggested that we went to one there and then.

“Come on, guys! You’re in Korea, you’ve got to try these things!” James probably said. Josh and I passed on his offer and, for once, we got the better of James’ positivity and enthusiasm for life.

My second interaction with a jjimjilbang was when I was innocently looking for a barbershop, to get my hair cut. I found a spinning barber pole and went inside. The “barbershop” was in a basement, I walked down the stairs and was greeted by an old lady who handed me a towel and charged me ₩7,000 up front. Slightly confused by the towel I entered anyway. I was forced to take my shoes off upon entry and was shown to a row of lockers. I was very confused at this stage. As I stood trying to work out this strange Korean barber custom a naked Korean man walked past me with the biggest bush I’d ever seen. “Oh crumbs, I’m in a jjimjilbang.” Well, I had already paid by that stage, I may as well get my haircut.

I wandered over to the barber and said “haircut?” He said yes, and showed me over to the lockers again. I tried my best to explain that I just wanted a haircut but, for the third time he ushered me to the lockers to get undressed. Eventually, I just sat down in the barber’s chair and he took the hint. As I sat in the chair I saw something I had never seen before whilst getting my hair cut. Normally, I stare at myself in the mirror and mentally criticise the job the barber is doing, but this time was different. This time I saw multiple naked men in the mirror as they undressed to enter the spa. Knob after knob wandered past catching my attention each time. I paid and left.

Anyway, I decided to give the jjimjilbang experience a try.

I went to the Dragon Hill Spa in Yongsan, one of the more elaborate jjimjilbangs in Seoul. First of all I went to the locker room, stripped off and changed into the casual pyjamas that are given to you upon arrival. I walked around the common areas, this specific jjimjilbang had it all. There were noraebangs (karaoke rooms), a video game arcade, a restaurant, a PC room, screen golf, a cinema, as well as the more traditional saunas, and ice rooms. I’m not such a fan of saunas and ice rooms. When it was summer I’d complain about the heat, but there I was voluntarily going into an uncomfortable room. And now it’s currently winter, it’s 0°C outside and I’m wrapped up with a warm coat, hat, and gloves, but I’ve paid to go to a place to put on pyjamas, and sit in a freezer encouraging frostbite. They don’t make sense to me. 

I went to the wash room. It was very strange. James said the being naked thing is normal, which I suppose amongst other men it is, but there were children about. Being white and having a beard in Asia most people already assume that I'm a paedophile. To Asians there's no difference between me and Gary Glitter. Being naked around children was weird. Not only that to get from the changing room to the showers you had to walk through a snack bar and past the kids TV area. Being a teacher I'm used to children laughing at me but not normally when I'm naked, it was like a living nightmare.

In the wash room I sat at the waist height taps and scrubbed myself down using the communal soap. Ahh, the communal soap. How many sets of balls have been cleaned with that one bar? You can add another set to the tally. After the rinse I got in the Jacuzzi. I've been in many Jacuzzis in my time, but this was the first time I'd been in one naked with 6 elderly Korean men. As I sat there the hordes of naked boys came in. I realised that it’s less uncomfortable to be naked around old men than young boys.

An encouraged experience at the jjimjilbang is the body scrub. During this process someone takes a flannel and takes all the dead skin off your body. Something I didn’t realise until yesterday was how sensitive your skin is until someone takes a layer of it off with a Brillo Pad. I had a scab on my shoulder when I went in there. Had. Skin grows back, doesn’t it?

Sometimes in my life I consider the choices that I have made and assess where I am and what I’m doing. However bad life can get for me I don't think it will be as bad as the male body scrubber in a jjimjilbang. He charges ₩15,000 to rub old men down (and even does a discount for children (see, I told you it's weird)). That's around £9. Not even Thai ladyboys charge that little...so I've been told. The guy that gave me a rub down (not that kind) certainly wasn’t shy, his Brillo Pad covered every inch of my body and entered every crevice. I suppose I got my money’s worth.

My final verdict on jjimjilbangs is that I did feel relaxed, my skin was incredibly soft after the body scrub, and 24 hours later my it has started to grow back. So if you’re into relaxation and naked children then this is a Korean experience you must not miss. 

The comedian Conan O'Brien visited a jjimjilbang recently. You can watch his analysis of it below.