The World According to Brendan: Had the City on Lockdown: Closing Thoughts on Korea

My time in Korea has finally concluded. I am setting off on my next adventure which will take me from Seoul to Taipei, Hong Kong, Macau, Mumbai, New Delhi, and Istanbul before a long awaited return to England. Korea has been filled with many new experiences, and good memories, but I thought I’d collate some of the things I will and won’t miss about the Land of the Morning Calm.

Things I Won’t Miss About Korea

The Unbearably Hot Summers – Temperatures soar to 40°C in the height of the summer, and added to this blazing heat is 90% humidity. Forget having an ice-cold cider in a pub garden, I’m sweating in my undies standing underneath my air-conditioner.
The Unbearably Cold Winters – You’d think that the tropical summer climate would even out to hospitable winters. Wrong! The temperature drops to -20°C. It gets that cold that the hookers on The Hill charge ₩20,000 just to blow your hands.
The Food – I’m not talking about Korean food, some of that stuff’s good. I’m talking about foreign food made by Koreans. It costs 3 times as much, and tastes half as good. There’s a reason why the Italians never put sweet potato on a pizza, and the Mexicans haven’t put fermented cabbage in tacos, they do not belong. Stop Korean fusion, please.
American English – When learning English as a second language it’s completely reasonable to prefer one dialect to another. But just because I don’t pronounce my R’s like some hillbilly pirate doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
The Inability to Queue – The concept of ‘first come, first served’ is foreign to Koreans. The number of times I have been standing in a queue, waiting patiently to be served (like a good Brit should) and an elderly person has cut the line is untold. Rules don’t apply to older people in Korea because they are to be respected. I tried to learn “Oi, coffin dodger! Get to the back of the queue!” in Korean, but I don’t think it translates.
Manners and Courtesy – I’m not asking much, just some acknowledgment that I stopped a door from slamming in your face. Or that when I’m standing next to you on the subway platform that you don’t cough up a throatful of phlegm.

It’s not all negative; there are some things I will miss!

Things I Will Miss About Korea

The Cost of Living - Everyday essentials are just cheaper here than back home. A pint of beer costs less than £2, and a journey on the subway costs around £0.60. You can save a lot of money over the year from the reduced living expense, which you can then spend on more beer.
The Women - Going back to England I will be going cold turkey. Asian women are like a drug, giving up heroin would be easier. I'm heading home to a land of white women. Who wants them? I mean, apart from other white guys, black guys, Asian guys, and lesbians...I suppose anyone without an Asian fetish.
Honesty - Korea is by far the most honest country I have visited. I experienced no threat from Koreans, they are too honest to deceive and steal. In fact, the dodgiest people in Korea are the foreigners. It will take me a while to adjust back to not trusting people.
Being Different - I'm a Daily Mail nightmare. I'm a liberal, foreign immigrant, that doesn't speak the local language, and muslim. OK, that last one isn't true, but the rest are. Foreigners are treated well in Korea, I'm treated as a commodity here. Locals want to talk to me and be my friend, whereas in the UK I'm just another emotionally repressed, moaning, overly polite, pessimistic Brit. Although, I like being that too.
The Internet Speed - According to some reports, South Korea has the world's fastest average download speed. There's nothing more infuriating than a slow internet connection. Did you know that 57% of domestic abuse in the UK happened as a result of slow internet connections? OK, I made that statistic up, but it's believable, isn't it? Despite having the luxury of the world's fastest download speed adult content is illegal in Korea. So it's very much a win-lose situation.
FFs - It's a quaint club in Hongdae, Seoul. We go there every Saturday and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Karl Egan sir, he's got knobrot off some tart'
Teaching - It was a job that I had never tried before and never really saw myself doing, but I'm glad I tried it. For the most part it was a great experience, teaching adults is a joy, and the kids are a lot of fun. Sure, you have days with the kids when you start to justify child abuse, but that's part of the challenge. If you're considering teaching abroad you should.
The People - I met some great new friends, and some average ones too. Who knows if I'll see them again, but they made my Korean journey all the more fun.