Central America Part 1: Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador

After 3 years of surviving the pandemic in China, I decided to leave for a sabbatical (a fancier word for ‘period of unemployment’). I determined that I needed a well-deserved break from all things China and to escape the madness. I made it home for Christmas and felt like Chris Rea on my way back, but where he was surrounded by traffic and red lights, I was surrounded by hazmat suits and red communist flags, otherwise exactly the same.

The Christmas period is a great time to be home. Everyone’s off work, there’s football on every day, and there’s an acceptance to drink alcohol with breakfast. It was great to catch up with friends and family after 3 long years, but after the Christmas period, things return to normal very quickly. People go back to work and some begin ‘dry January’ which makes you question your friendship with them. It is especially hard for those in a period of unemployment as you’re left with very little to do, which is when I got that ‘itchy feet’ feeling. I resolved my underlying skin issues (atopic dermatitis, if you were wondering) and then I got the desire to travel.

It’s rare to have such an opportunity to travel for a long period of time. At my age, it was probably the last chance to enjoy a 3-month trip before settling down. Not that I’m old, but it just starts to become weird if you’re that older guy still kicking it with the kids. Anyway, I began planning my trip with the possibility to go anywhere! Asia? I’ve covered most of that. Russia? Too hostile. Africa? Too destitute. You know, when I’m on holiday I don’t want poverty to bring my mood down. So, I settled on two parts of the world I have never been to before - Central and South America. Sure, there’s poverty in that part of the world, but it’s less shocking, so it’s easier to ignore.

I started planning meticulously where to go, where to stay, what to do, but it’s exhausting for a trip of this magnitude. I’d be travelling by myself, so I’d be free to do anything I wanted, but I didn’t know where to start. A friend had told me about joining a tour group where the itinerary is planned for you, accommodation is booked, a tour guide explains everything to you, and you don’t have to worry about speaking the local lingo. The only downside is that you don’t get to choose the people you’ll be spending a number of weeks with. They could be narcissists, sex offenders, or even worse Tottenham fans. Despite this risk, I decided to go for it. It definitely seemed the easier option compared to staying in hostels and trying to make friends on a daily basis. I couldn’t face the potential rejection as I face enough rejection on dating apps.

It was all set 3 weeks in Central America travelling through Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, and Costa Rica. From there I would fly to South America through Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, and Brazil over 10 weeks.

Guatemala

The meeting point for the tour was in Antigua, Guatemala. This is where I’d meet the group members. The groups are advertised to 18-30 somethings, and I was hoping the group would have a few more 30 somethings than 18-year-olds. I checked into the hotel and had arrived before my roommate. I dropped my bag and found that the meeting time was 6pm, which gave me time to explore Antigua.

A beautiful place to begin the tour

When I returned to the hotel that evening, I opened the door to the hotel to meet my roommate, AJ. He was wearing nothing but a towel. I didn’t know where to look, but I knew where not to look. I shook his hand and introduced myself while trying to act cool and casual. Contrary to the rumours, I try not to make a habit of meeting men in changing rooms where they’re only wearing towels. AJ and I chatted about how we’d spent the last couple of days getting to Guatemala and then realised we were late for the meeting. We raced down and joined the meeting where my expectations were interrupted. The group of people I met were more likely to have been born in 1918-1930 something rather than being aged 18-30 something. I wondered what I had gotten myself into. What I realised was that there are younger tour groups available, but I had opted for the ‘comfort’ tour meaning it was aimed at people of all ages. I felt that I was on a SAGA holiday.

Over the coming weeks, I would get to know everyone on the tour, but the first person was Georgie, mid-20s, from Bath. As one of the few youngsters on the tour, I was drawn to her immediately. She gave me someone to bond with and through a quick chat we realised we had a mutual friend. Her best friend from school also moved to Beijing and played for Beijing Celtic Ladies! Not that I played for Beijing Celtic Ladies, but you know what I mean.

Honduras

The next day we were already on the move to Honduras. All aboard the early bus and I got chatting to Raymond, 60-ish, from Belfast. Within seconds we established we are both Gooners and spent the next 5 hours on the bus talking about how much we love William Saliba. He also explained that he was teetotal as he’d many bad experiences with alcohol. His bad experiences that lead to him giving up the booze sounded like standard Saturday nights for me. I told him he was just hitting his stride during that period.

My knowledge of all things Honduran was limited to Maynor Figueroa and Wilson Palacios (the latter having played for Sp*rs, so we weren’t off to a great start). We were taken to the ruins of Copan, which is an archaeological site of the Maya civilization. Geographically, the Mayans were located from Southern Mexico down as far as El Salvador. Their civilisation dates as far back as 2000 B.C., but the city of Copan was established around 426 A.D. The ancient Mayans have been credited with many great inventions including the concept of the number ‘0’, chocolate, a complex calendar system, a written language, and astronomy. They also massacred people and sacrificed children to the gods. Copan may be the only place more dangerous for children than the set of ITV’s This Morning.

Nature has reclaimed the buildings of the past

El Salvador

Only a day was spent in Honduras exploring the ruins before we were back on the bus and off to El Salvador. El Salvador had been in the news recently for the opening of their ‘mega prison’ which can contain up to 40,000 prisoners. For years, El Salvador had some of the worst gang crime in the world, which president Nayib Bukele was determined to tackle. He gave approval to the police forces to arrest any suspected gang members with gang tattoos being enough evidence to arrest and sentence them. His tough stance on crime has seen more than 64,000 people arrested. The effects of this have reduced crime rates and the homicide rate has remained at 0 for the past year.

Our tour guide, Choco (a nickname given to him regarding his poor eyesight), warned us about the political changes in the country with the caveat that these don’t affect tourists. One concerned group member was Tommy, 40-ish, from Chicago and the most flamboyantly gay man I have ever met. He was concerned that he would be targeted and arrested for his tattoos. Unless there is a gang in El Salvador that uses a unicorn as their gang symbol, then Tommy had nothing to worry about. Tommy and I got on really well, as it went. He was very self-indulgent and all conversations revolved around him. I didn’t mind him and found his flamboyant ways quite funny. Tommy liked spending time with me for obvious reasons. I’m very much a lust object for the homosexuals, I’m used to the attention.

Our first stop in El Salvador was the quaint town of Suchitoto. This tranquil, colonial town was picturesque, but it came with a dark history. During the Salvadoran Civil War, the surrounding jungle wilderness was the hiding spots for the guerrilla fighters who fought against the El Salvadoran national military. They were fighting in response to the mistreatment of the poor, the assassination of Archbishop Oscar Romero, and an alliance with the United States. During the height of the war, many people had moved from the towns to the underground tunnels in the surrounding mountains. We went on a guided hiking tour to see these former guerrilla settlements. Everyone in the group signed up for the tour including Ian, 78, from Liverpool. Everyone asked him if he was certain that he wanted to go, not because of any physical worries, but because he was legally blind. When I was back home and imagined my tour, I thought I would share experiences with new friends, go for beers with the lads, and even meet a few saucy birds, I didn’t think I’d be hanging out with David Blunkett. Out came his white stick and off he went tapping his way through the forest with Choco on hand to guide him. “Watch that rock on your left. Be careful of the tree stump on the right. Make sure you don’t step off the 50-foot drop.”

Guns and bullet holes are reminders of the war

We moved on to the town of El Cuco, San Miguel. The trip had been a whirlwind up to this point. Every day we were doing a tour or on the road, but arriving in El Cuco made us feel that we were finally on holiday. It was an idyllic town on the beach. I assume that due to the country’s reputation for crime and violence, there isn’t much tourism in El Salvador. This beautiful spot was pretty much void of tourists, which was great for us. We spent the next few days relaxing by the beach, playing cards, drinking beer, and forgetting about the problems of the world. It was here where I watched Arsenal vs Bournemouth. Arsenal 0-2 down as the title race was still very much on. Thomas Partey gave us a fighting chance on 62 minutes, Ben White equalised on 70 minutes, giving Raymond and I an anxious end of the game until the 97^th minute when Reiss Nelson pings on in the far corner. Ray and I erupted with joyous acclamation. It put smiles on our faces for the next week. I’ll always remember El Cuco for that moment.

Zhangjiajie, Hunan: Labour Day Pains

We recently just celebrated the Labour Day holiday here in China and were fortunate enough to get a 5-day break! However, China has this weird system that you must work back days in order to get them off for the holiday, so we had to work the Sunday before and the Saturday after. It makes no sense, but I guess that’s where the Party’s hard-working nature comes from. They couldn’t possibly let you enjoy free time with your friends and family without making you have to work for it.

Anyway, Hannah and I went down south to Hunan province. Since I’ve been in China, I’ve wanted to take a trip to Zhangjiajie (been in China 4 years and still pronounce this wrong every time). Zhangjiajie is famous for its national parks, especially Wulingyuan Scenic Area which is where James Cameron filmed the 2009 film Avatar. I watched the movie back when I was at university and haven’t watched it since. That’s not to say it’s a bad movie, but it’s about American troops invading a foreign land in order to extract valuable resources, which sounds oddly familiar. 

Hannah booked our flights to depart on the Friday afternoon at 17:20 without asking me. This caused an issue as I was due to work until 16:30. I had to message the head of department in the morning and say I was “sick”, but I’d still come into work because I don’t want to let anyone down, however, I’d need to leave at precisely 14:00 as that’s when I’ll be feeling my worst. 

Zhangjiajie is a “small city” for China that has a population of about 1.5 million people. That’s a good understanding of the magnitude of China’s population as this small city has more people than Estonia’s and Iceland’s entire population combined. 

On our first morning in Zhangjiajie, we woke up early to beat the crowds and went to explore Tianmen Mountain. Its most famous point is Heaven’s Gate, which started as a cave before the rear collapsed now forming a hole in the mountain. It has 999 steps leading to the top which is known as the stairway to heaven. The rest of the park can be explored on an elevated walkway that slithers around the top of the cliff edges. Looking over the side makes your legs feel weak and your stomach sink and you look at the 200m drop. A perfect place for a murder I imagine as you can push your enemy over the fence and blame an accidental trip or unexpected wind. Something to bear in mind anyway.

Tianmen Mountain takes half a day to explore, so after lunch, we took a bus north to the Zhangjiajie National Forest Park to see the famous “Avatar Mountains”. We tried to beat the crowds on the Sunday morning, but there was no way of avoiding it. We queued for the Bailong Elevator, literally "hundred dragons sky lift", which is the largest outdoor elevator in the world at 326m high (which is quite a unique claim) and got pushed as people shoved past to get centimetres closer to the people in front. In that situation, you either act like a local or you just give up and go with the flow. I don’t have it in me to act like an inconsiderate Chinese tourist, so I just walked with the crowd shaking my head in disbelief every 15 seconds. We got in the lift and it rocketed us up to the top of the tall, slender mountains. The views were epic and once you could break free from the crowds it became enjoyable. 

The sun was shining, the views were spectacular, and around every corner was another rock formation that just took your breath away. It was incredible and the picture will never do it justice, you will just have to go yourself to understand the true beauty (but try to avoid public holidays).

The park is huge and spans 12,000 acres, which means that it’s possible to get away from the crowds. There are so many trails and walkways that are just free of people. It seemed that the Chinese tourists weren’t willing to explore these trails unless there was a guarantee of there being a souvenir shop to purchase some at. We spent the remainder of the day blissfully walking the trails and enjoying the delights that China has to offer. 

The next day was a bit of a reality check. Thunder and heavy downpours interrupted our much-needed sleep, and our plans of exploring were dashed. We stayed at the hotel relaxing in the morning and watched Father of the Bride in bed. We thought that it would have been a waste of a day not to explore a little even if it meant that we got wet. We suited up in some dashing raincoats and rain boots and set off. What we discovered was that once we got the cable car up the mountain, we were in the clouds and above the rain. We could enjoy the fresh air but the visibility was hampered somewhat. We got lucky on occasion as the clouds and mist parted to reveal the emerging mountain stacks.

As we continued to explore the clouds lifted and we got to enjoy the mist-covered mountains. It was another spectacular sight that we were lucky to enjoy. Fortune favours the brave. 

On the final day trailing the park, we headed for the only part we hadn’t explored -  the Gold Whip Stream. It was part of the park that offered a different perspective of the mountains. We walked along the peaceful stream and marvelled at the enormity of the mountains around us. 

It’s a truly magical place that you should visit if given the opportunity (I know it’s not so easy now in a COVID world). Along with Guilin, it’s one of the most beautiful places I have visited in China, if not the world (even with the pushy locals). I didn’t see any Avatar aliens while I was there, but you might get luckier on your visit. 

Qinhuangdao, Hebei: The Old Dragon's Head

I’m getting through my bucket list of China in recent weeks! This time, Hannah and I were off to Qinhuangdao, which is about 300km from Beijing, or about 2 hours on the train. We left late on Friday after work and as soon as I got to the train station, I realised that I’d left my passport at home. It clearly isn’t ingrained in my mind that I need my passport when I travel in China as the government likes to keep track of your whereabouts at all times. That’s a totalitarian government for you! Anyway, I just had about enough time to Usain Bolt it to my apartment and make it back before the train departed. 

Qinhuangdao is relatively unknown but is situated in Hebei province and is pretty much only known for being the eastern starting location of The Great Wall of China. When Hannah asked what I wanted to do here but was surprised when I said that I wanted to go to the “Old Dragon’s Head” (the nickname for the end of the wall). “Why didn’t you tell me in advance?” she exclaimed. I thought she was taking the piss considering there’s pretty much fuck all else on the area’s Trip Advisor. 

We had to take a 20-minute train from Qinhuangdao to Shanhaiguan. We walked around the old town and looked at the exhibitions, which were far from exciting. One was a traditional Hebei home. It was bleak, dusty, and full of old shit. There are enough houses like that in Beijing that people still live in today, I don’t need to see it. 

We walked down to Lao Long Tou/Old Dragon’s Head and were blessed with blue skies. Karl Pilkington visited this part of the Wall when he filmed An Idiot Abroad. He wasn’t impressed, however it took him days, maybe even hours, to realise how dreadful China is. Why has it taken me so long? To be fair, this was one of the nicer weekends. We meandered down the beach and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Beijing is a beast of a city that one must escape from as often as they can and hopefully on a permanent basis. 

The First Pass Under Heaven is the gate which allowed access to the walled city.

It was time for lunch and Hannah was delighted to be at a coastal town with all the crustaceous delights on offer. The Chinese will eat anything that moves, and I’ve seen the weird shit they eat that inhabits the land so I can only imagine what freakishly bizarre foods they’d gobble down that they pull out of the sea. Hannah was delighted that she didn’t have to share while I ate some plan rice. 

We slept in late on Sunday and just enjoyed a day at the beach. There really isn’t much to this town, but it does have a pleasant beach. Although, I imagine it’s rammed in the summer and loses a lot of its charm. 

What is weird about this place is that there is a Russian town. The Russians flock here in the summer and the town is adorned with Russian architecture, restaurants, and even has a knock-off version of Saint Basil’s Cathedral (it is China after all!) I now had a choice between the weird Chinese seafood and borscht, I think I went hungry that afternoon. 

Despite it being a very quiet weekend with little to see and do, I had a thoroughly good time. The fact that we could relax and just walk along the beach on a peaceful, pollution-free day was enough. It made me forget about Beijing, work, university deadlines and gave me time to unwind. 

Yunnan, China: I Lost a Ti-bet and Dressed Like a Twat

It was another Christmas abroad. This year, due to the lockdown, I was spending Christmas eve and day in Beijing, however the rest of the Yuletide would be celebrated in Yunnan. 

I was part of a random merry gang of foreigners who were all at a loose end with no other plans on Christmas Day (and zero intention of making a full Christmas dinner). We decided to treat ourselves to a fancy dinner in a fine hotel with a dinner with all the trimmings, starters, sides, desserts, and most importantly free-flow alcohol. 

When living abroad, especially in China, you have to put limitations on your expectations of certain British food. You’re never going to get authentic fish and chips, pasties, or a Christmas dinner just like mum makes. This particular place we went to though was an absolute shambles. Be prepared for what you’re about to read…no spuds and no gravy. Can you believe such nonsense?! However, they had plenty of noodles and rice to go around though. Pretty much every foreigner had to request these basic necessities. The chefs rushed the potatoes out and they were undercooked and charred. Even Aunt Bessie would have been embarrassed at the quality of these roasties. We were ever more determined to make up for this total disregard in copious amounts of wine, champagne, and anything else alcoholic we could get our hands on.

We headed to the pub shortly after dinner to continue the celebrations. While this was all good and well, I had to remain somewhat sensible as I had a flight to catch the next morning to Lijiang, Yunnan in southern China. Hannah was working on Christmas Day because China and went home at a reasonable time to make the flight. I stumbled in around 2am (I explained to Hannah that 2am is a sensible time considering the circumstances) and was up at 5am to make the long slog south. 

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to living in such a large country. The flight from Beijing to Lijiang is around 4 hours. This was not our final destination though as we then had a 4-hour car journey to Lugu Lake. The length of the journey was hard to endure, but what made things harder was the driver. We snaked through the mountain roads with the driver adamant on taking minutes off our journey time. He would speed along the rural lanes and overtake on blind corners. Hannah thought I slept most of the way there, but I was just closing my eyes as I didn’t want to see the head-on crash that we were sure to have. It was a long, fearful, and somewhat surprisingly safe arrival at Lugu Lake. 

We arrived at the hotel and Hannah was keen to make sure that we got the best room available as there were only 3 other guests staying that night. They showed us our original room then another 3, 4, 5 rooms. To me they were all the same, but Hannah wasn’t having it. To be fair, she knows what she wants and fights for it. The hotel could have shown me a caretaker’s storeroom filled with ammonia and I’d have said “this is fine.” I’m not one to argue. After looking around what seemed like every room in the hotel, Hannah finally decided that the room we were originally assigned was the best. 

Lugu Lake was worth the journey. It was getting dark when we arrived so we could appreciate it until the morning. We struggled and woke up for the sunrise, the mist covered the calm lake and then arose up the mountains as the sunlight dispersed the cool fog. The sunrise behind me made me look even more gorgeous than usual. We didn’t stay out there long as it was bloody freezing. We made coffee and retreated back to bed to watch it through the window. 

We spent the rest of the day sightseeing around the lake and then made the journey to Shangri-La. Yunnan is a province of China which has many different ethnicities of people. In northern China, most people are of Han descent. In Yunnan, the Han people make up around 67% of the population. Hannah told me that one minority ethnic group of people had only 2 million people. That's the population of Slovenia!

Shangri-La became popularized in 1933 in James Hilton’s novel Lost Horizon. The city of Shangri-La never really existed however, China renamed the city of 中甸县; Zhōngdiàn Xiàn to Shangri-La as it resembled the place of Tibetan culture than James Hilton described in his book. 

We started the day with yak hot pot. I don't think I've ever seen a yak let alone eaten one, but it was delicious! Tender meat not dissimilar to beef. Yak and lamb seems to be the go to meat around these parts. They even use yak products in their candy. I tried a free sample and it didn't entice me to buy any.

Walking around the town the first thing you notice is that it's far more difficult to breathe. The city sits at 3,300m (almost 11,000 feet in old money) above sea level. Walking around at my normal speedy pace was much harder. Hannah said she was also finding it a little more difficult to breathe but this didn't stop her from nattering away.

We then had a car booked to to Potatsa National Park, one of China's UNESCO sites. En route, the driver told us that only one section of the park was open as it's winter, low season and during COVID times, so he suggested Napa Lake, a wet grassland not too far from the city. I'm not sure what we were expecting, but it was just small lake in a large grass plain. Oh, and it was covered it horse shit. We walked to the edge of the lake, took a picture and buggered off back to the city.

We meandered around town. When I travel alone I often wonder who buys all the touristy tat, but on this trip I found out it was Hannah. She stockpiles the lot. We had to go in every store and look at magnets and postcards, try on scarves and jackets. I did a lot standing around which was a lot of fun.

Hannah had a trick up her sleeve during our trip to Shangri-La, she wanted us to dress up in the traditional local Tibetan clothing. I’m never usually too keen on dressing up. I don’t usually wear a costume on Halloween let alone appropriate someone’s culture. I went along with it begrudgingly until they showed me the hat I’d be wearing and then I was all in! What a fine specimen of a hat. I loved it even more as it resembled the sable hat George Constanza wore when he tried to sneak a second date by leaving it behind at the saleswoman’s apartment. I felt like stealing a clock just to pay homage to the great man. 

They fitted me with all the accessories, including some jingle jangle bangles. I sounded like a cow in Switzerland as I walked the streets of Shangri-La. Both geared up in local attire, we headed for Ganden Sumtseling Monastery. We had one stop to make en route, we needed to buy bus tickets back to Lijiang for that evening. We walked through Shangri-La bus station looking like a pair of genuine locals. It was almost impossible to tell me apart from a native Shangri-larian. 

The monastery was really beautiful. It was free from the hordes of tourists that such a destination would normally attract. It houses 700 monks and was built in 1679 under the order of the 5th Dalai Lama. We managed to get some sick pictures. 

We headed back to Lijiang and we debated what we’d eat. Over the past few days we’d had yak, chicken, and pork hot pot, and numerous dishes of Yunnan food that I can’t even remember. It was all very good, but meal after meal I was getting a bit bored of it. I needed something western to give my stomach a break. Western options are pretty hard to come by in some parts of China and a search for local restaurants returned few options. Hannah gave in and agreed to have pizza. The twelve-year-old in me couldn’t have been happier to be munching away on Pizza Hut. Cheesy stuffed crust pepperoni pizza with fries and garlic bread. Sure, Giuseppe from Naples won't be too impressed with the state of the pizza but he wasn't eating it. Hannah had a bit before tucking into her Chinese leftovers from lunch. "I can't believe I've come all the way to Yunnan and I'm eating Pizza Hut," Hannah exclaimed.

We had a wander around the old town and found Hannah some Chinese snacks to ease her tummy trauma.

On our final day before flying home we had one last stop – Jade Dragon Snow Mountain. It was a short drive from Lijiang and lucky for us there was a convenient cable car most of the way up the mountain however, we’d have to hike the final 174 meters to the top. 

In the queue for the cable car I saw all the Chinese tourists buying multiple canisters of oxygen. I chuckled to myself thinking that it was rather pathetic that they’d need pure oxygen to make a brisk walk up less than 200m. Alighting the cable car we were 4,506m above sea level and we headed for the top. After only a few steps, I noticed breathing was becoming very difficult. I have only walked for 30 seconds and I was struggling. I was lightheaded. After a short break, I took it a bit slower but still felt the discomfort. I saw the Chinese people all around me with their pure oxygen. Who was the fool now?

We did make it to the top without the aid of oxygen cans. The views were spectacular. The final viewing platform was a little tight considering the number of people, so after being pushed around in normal Chinese tourism fashion we headed down.

Our short journey to southern China was short but sweet. It’s another beautiful part of China that’s rather unknown to the western world. As we landed back in miserable, dreary Beijing I started to ponder why I live in such a place. There is so much beauty and happiness in the world, yet I have chosen to reside in such a gruesome city. Something needs to change.