Karl and I recently travelled to Japan over the Chuseok
break. Japan has always been a country that I have wanted to visit, arriving
there I felt an excitement that I haven’t felt in other counties. Being in
Japan for the first time it reminded me of the time that I arrived in Korea. I
was in an unfamiliar Asian country where language was an issue (for me, not the
locals… they can speak Japanese pretty well). In Korea I’ve picked up enough of
the language to get by, but in Japan I was back to hand gestures and pointing.
While I was struggling it didn’t take Karl long to start mixing with the
locals.
Our first evening in Tokyo, Karl and I decided to explore
the local region around our hotel. Before long we noticed that we were in the
red light district of Tokyo, that’s why the hotel was so cheap. (The area is
called Shinjuku if you’re planning on going). As we wandered around we were
constantly approached by Nigerian men who try to lure you into the “bars” and
“clubs”. When they approach you they say things like “you like girls?” or
“Japanese girls sex” or “FREE TITTIES!” As much as I like girls, sex, and free
titties, I was not in the market for those services on that particular night.
Unsurprisingly, these guys started to get very annoying. When you turn down
their offers they try to entice a response from you by saying “you don’t like
titties?!” Karl and I started telling them that we were in Tokyo on our honeymoon,
that kept the guys at bay. If there’s anything that will ward off Nigerians it
is homosexuality. Karl and I just started making out in front of them just to
prove a point.
This is all the touristy stuff we did:
The following morning. When looking for things to do in
Tokyo, Karl told me that we should “have a beer for breakfast”. I’m not sure
how that is unique to Tokyo but we obliged, and in true British fashion we had
a beer and a curry for breakfast.
We went to the Meiji Shrine. It was vast and very Asian. It
was a cool thing to see but having seen a lot of cool Asian things in Korea I
think the novelty has worn off a little. It’s like when Lindsey Lohan did her
first line of coke, I bet she got a huge thrill out of it but now when she
vacuums up a line it’s a little underwhelming. That’s like me with Asian
monuments.
A little later we went to the Shibuya Crossing, you often
see it on TV. It’s a huge crossroad where all 4 directions of traffic stop to
let hundreds of people cross the street. It doesn’t sound that cool when you
write it down but it’s a touristy thing to do. Shut up.
A trip to Japan wouldn’t be complete without seeing some
robots and the place to see them is at The National Museum of Emerging Science
and Innovation. You should have seen Karl’s face when we were there, it’s
basically Disneyland for him. His smile got wider when he saw the exhibits and
he started learning. I asked Karl shall we do some more sightseeing? He
scoffed. I asked him, shall we get something to eat? He said “why?” I asked
him, shall we go to a bar and meet some ladies? He said “science is the only
sexual stimulus I need”. They are genuine quotes. We hung around for the Honda
Asimo exhibit, which was pretty cool.
A Japanese phenomenon that I was unaware of was the maid
cafes. Essentially, these are cafes where cute Japanese girls dress up as
French maids and serve you, these exist for lonely guys who want cute girls to
pay them some attention. Like the lonely tourists we were we went. We ordered
some food and drinks and then the girls made us repeat the phrase “delicious
magic, meow, meow, meow!” It was so cringey. It was also the most ridiculous
thing I’ve heard since Harry Redknapp said that Tottenham could win the league.
There were 3 groups of people at this particular café; some drunk businessmen,
a loner (who was there on his birthday!), and the foreigners. I don’t want to
sound elitist but the other guys were fucking weird. We joined in with the
silliness of the experience because it was funny but the other guys enjoyed it.
The lonely guy who was there alone for his birthday requested that everyone
should sing happy birthday for him. When he counted down 3, 2, 1… Karl and I
were the only ones who sang. I felt sorry for him, having no mates, going to a
maid café for your birthday alone, and the only people singing happy birthday
are two random foreigners who don’t know your name. “Happy birthday dear… Happy
birthday to you!” Poor bugger.
Whilst in
Tokyo I noticed that there are a lot of white people. In Korea, there are a lot
but usually only in the “white people areas” of Itaewon and Hongdae. In Tokyo
they’re everywhere. The white people in Korea seem normal, they’re most likely
teachers, or in the military. But the white people in Japan are just strange,
they’re the weird kids at school who were into anime and Dungeons and Dragons,
and there are thousands of them.
We went
back to Shinjuku (the red light district), mainly because our hotel was there.
The sex trade is almost non-existent in Korea, so I’ve heard. But in Tokyo it’s
in abundance. Anything you want is on offer, and it wouldn’t take long to find
whatever you’re into. A crazy thing I’d heard about Japan that I wanted to
investigate was used panty vending machines. Not that I’m into that kind of
thing… honest. But, I’d heard that this craziness existed and I wanted to see
it (the vending machine, not the panties). I must have looked at every vending
machine in the area but I couldn’t find a panty pantry. I was quite
disappointed. I’ve since read that they don’t exist anymore but were available
about a decade ago.
One thing that the Japanese do well is British pubs. They have dozens of
them. I know, I know, you go all the way to Japan and you spend your time in a
British pub, it’s madness but sometimes you just want a quick pint. We made up
for it by trying the local cuisine. Karl and I both sunk our teeth into a
chicken Teriyaki sandwich from Subway. We were fully immersed in Japanese
culture.
The craziest thing we did in Tokyo was the Robot Cabaret Show. It seemed
a little expensive at ¥6,000 (£40) a ticket but I can say it’s worth every yen.
It’s not a show that you will fully understand unless you witness it for
yourself. The best way to describe the show is that someone took a lorry load
of acid and filmed what they saw. I went to Japan looking for weird shit and I
found it. If you go this is what to expect; dragons, robot eating sharks,
masked men shredding it on guitar, tanks and Gatling guns, giant snakes, robots
fighting pandas, robots fighting tribesmen, Japanese women in bikinis riding
10ft robotic women, and so many other things that my brain couldn’t process at
the time. It’s been a week and I’m still trying to comprehend what I witnessed.
(See the video below for some highlights).
The video highlights:
Japan is
probably the most interesting country I’ve been to, they can boast history,
scenery, bustling cities, and pure crazy. But I don’t think I’d like to live
there. The weirdness would become the norm and then the rest of the world would
just be a disappointment. It’s OK that Japan is strange because you can
experience it for a week and then go home. I was a tourist to the craziness,
but the people that live there are prisoners to it.
