Osaka, Japan: Japanese Nerds are a Special Breed

My trip to Japan didn’t end in Kyoto, I also was fortunate enough to take in Osaka for a few days. The closest I had gotten to Osaka in the past was owning one of those Superdry Osaka t-shirts that everyone had in the late 00s. Why were they so popular? Were Japanese people wearing t-shirts with Bradford emblazoned on them? I didn’t see any while I was there.

The train didn’t take too long and I was out sightseeing before lunch. First stop, the Shitenno-ji Temple. It’s the first official temple ever built in all of Japan dating back to 593. And it seemed that they were still building it.

Those scaffolders didn’t take the Zen vibe into consideration much. I think even Gautama Buddha would have lost his rag trying to meditate during that racket.

It looked better from this angle.

Onto the next quieter sightseeing destination, and I ended up at the Namba Yasaka Shrine. Some say it’s a huge lion’s head, others say it’s a demon’s head. All I know is that it’s too big for my apartment. It’s actually a platform where they stage performances. It’s over the top and tacky, but that’s Japan. I liked it.

Next on the agenda – Nipponbashi. It’s a shopping district popular with “otaku” (people who are fond of anime, manga, video games, and such collectables) or “nerds” to most normal folk. I walked around wide-eyed. What happened to Japan? The men have gone from samurai warriors and kamikaze pilots to socially inept men who fall in love with a pillow. 

OK, maybe that’s a huge generalization, but these people exist in large numbers. I wandered the streets questioning how anyone could be interested in such things.

I found a retro gaming shop. It was the one shop that I genuinely enjoyed looking around, I suppose it was nostalgia more than anything. Entire walls of SNESs, Nintendo 64s, PS1s, Gamecubes, Sega Mega Drives, Dreamcasts, games and memorabilia. Maybe, just maybe my inner otaku came out a little.

In the evening I looked around the areas of Shinsekai and Dontonbori.

Dinner, a little sake, a few beers, and then bed was the plan. I ended up meeting these two fun guys, Justin and Aaron. They were fun in the “we love Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli” sort of way.

Justin, a professional dancer, and Aaron, a naval officer (the two gayest professions after rent boy) had the audacity to ask me, one of the butchest men wearing a pink t-shirt, if I was gay. You can imagine my horror.

They were both staying at a Japanese pod/capsule hotel nearby. Maybe it was a subconscious decision, fitting into tight spaces.

We were a Brit, an Aussie, and a Yank drinking in Osaka. It sounds like the beginning of a terrible joke, but it turned out to a great night and I got to bed at 5am. My own bed. I was drunk, but I wasn’t that drunk.

The next morning, after shaking off the hangover, I took a wander over to Osaka Castle. Probably Osaka’s most famous site. It played a major role in the unification of Japan during the 16^th century. This blog is not only homophobic, but also informative.

I flew home the next day. I like Japan.

Kyoto, Japan: Temple, Shrine, Temple, Shrine...

I recently went to Japan as we had an extended break at work. Having been in Korea for two-and-a-half years, I kept on thinking I should take advantage of living so close to The Land of the Rising Sun. It’s only an hour flight from Seoul. After being lied to by the check-in lady and laughed at by the man at immigration I made it to Kyoto and dropped my bags off at my hostel.

My first stop was at the Yasaka Shrine (founded 656), I hadn’t planned on visiting this place, but as it was at the end of my street it would have been rude not to.

The shrine accommodated a main gate, a stage, many statues and, of course, a crab stick stall. All other shrines I visited didn’t have a crab stick stall and thus failed to compare.

Soon after, I headed south to the Kiyomizu-dera, a Buddist Temple (founded in 778, with the current buildings built in 1633). All of the buildings in the complex are assembled without a single nail. You can tell an Irishman wasn’t assigned to that particular job.

I made my way further south to the Fushimi Inari-taisha. This is a compound of shrines all connected by trails. Along the trails you walk through thousands of torri, or gates to you and I. The trails are about 4km long and take up to 2 hours to walk.

It was a pretty cool place, but if truth be told, I wasn’t in the mood by that point. I’m British and a little rain won’t deter me, but there wasn’t a little rain on that particular day, it was pissing it down. It starts to take its toll after a while. Walking for hours in the heat and humidity and my umbrella could only protect me from the thrashing rain so much. My shoes and socks were soaked through. Ultimately, I was braving it all to look at some orange pillars with Japanese and Chinese scrawl on them.

The one joy I got from sightseeing that day was laughing at the other tourists who were wearing traditional Japanese kimono. Not all that funny, but the idiots decided to wear the complete outfit with wooden zori (essentially wooden flip-flops). Walking down a hill in varnished wooden shoes in the rain is possibly one of the worst ideas out there. I started to forget about my own troubles as I watched oversized American tourists dressed like fools repeatedly stumble down hills.

Back to the hostel, showered, in drier clothes and in a much better mood I headed out into the Gion district to find me some geishas. Geishas are “hostesses who mainly entertain male customers”. Not my words, but the words of Wikipedia. After walking around for a while, I think I only saw 1 geisha and about 30 prostitutes.

They didn't have many customers.

I’m not too sure why the geisha look is still desired. If you were going out on the town with your missus and she had that much white make-up on you’d have to have a word with her. Not only that but they’ve got thick, almost plastic-like hair. It’s not a good look. If you put a bit of red lippy and a plastic black wig on an albino girl I don’t think they’d get the same amount of interest…but probably more stares.

Day 2 in Kyoto and I headed for the Tenryu-ji Temple and the bamboo forest.

Someone at the Tenryu-ji Temple has a sense of humour.

The bamboo forest was very cool. It was here that I realised the amount humidity that I was due to face that day. It made for some rather unsightly pictures. Still, at least I’m not Joachim Löw with massive sweat patches AND getting caught adjusting one’s self live on TV and then sniffing it. I did that too, it just wasn’t televised.

Finally, I headed for the Kinkaku-ji (The Golden Pavilion). This was a beautiful place to visit, the building itself was quite incredible, but I couldn’t truly appreciate it as I was being pushed around by inconsiderate Chinese tourists (the only people worse than them are Brexit voters). After only a short while I made my way out and went for a pint.

Kyoto is a pretty cool place. It’s everything you imagine traditional Japan to be. Apparently there are 1,600 temples and shrines, and I think the only one I didn’t see was Shirley. There was just too much of it and the weather didn’t help either. Oh, and too many people. I don’t like people.

Gyeongju: The Museum Without Walls and the Korean Love Motel

Angie and I went away for the weekend to Gyeongju. Gyeongju is known as the “museum without walls” and was the capital of the Silla dynasty for almost 1,000 years (57 BC – 935 AD). During Korea's many conflicts with Japan and the North a lot of their historical sites have been damaged or destroyed. In some cases structures have been rebuilt, this reconstruction period took place in the 70s and 80s, meaning that the authenticity is lost slightly. In contrast, the many sites in Gyeongju were untouched during these battles – they’re the real McCoy. It was to be a weekend retreat away from the smog and the bustle of city life in Seoul.

Upon arrival we walked around the Daereungwon Tomb Complex, it was the place where all the former kings of Silla were buried many years ago. The complex has been well preserved, and with the foliage changing colour it was an enjoyable wander. Having said that, it is essentially a glorified graveyard. One of the tombs has been excavated, and is open to the public were you will see historical artefacts, and the place where the king was laid to rest. You're in and out of this public hole in about 10 minutes – a lot like the girls on Geordie Shore.

Our walk soon took us to the Cheomseongdae Observatory. Cheomseongdae means 'star-gazing tower' in Korean (according to Wikipedia). Built in 7^th century, it is the oldest observatory in East Asia. It is a reflection of how developed the people of Silla were.

Our tour of Gyeongju continued to the Anapji Pond. An artificial pond and garden built in the 7^th century. We arrived just before sunset, and it really was beautiful. The water was still and peaceful, and as the sun went down and the lights came on you could see a perfect reflection of the pavilion on the water. After the sun had descended the area became manic, all the other tourists showed up in their thousands. The last time so many people showed up to take pictures of a pool of water was when Michael Barrymore last had a party.

With a day of sightseeing behind us we looked for a room for the night. That night was to become my first experience of a Korean love motel. These motels are very popular in Korea, young adults will continue to live at home with their parents until they are married, this inevitably leaves little time at home for private encounters. In Gyeongju, there seemed to be very few places available so the motel had to suffice.

We paid for the room up front, a very modest ₩40,000 (£24), this included a “welcome package” which comprised condoms and toothbrushes - preventing pregnancy and plaque are high on every love motels’ agenda. The stairway was dark, only lit by the light from the emergency exit signs. The third floor was brighter than the others as it was lit by a ceiling light which had a red light shade to reinforce the cliché. We walked past a vending machine which had sold out of condoms. Classy.

The first impressions of our room were overwhelming; it was a mixture of astonishment, dissatisfaction, and hesitancy. The décor looked something out of Eastern Europe in the 1960s. It looked clean but felt dirty, and seedy. Dirty like a Law and Order: SVU crime scene, and seedy like a job interview with Peter Stringfellow. Luckily, I left my UV light at home. I had heard a few rumours about love motels in Korea, one was of the free dirty porn channels. I turned on the TV only to be disappointed - 3 channels and no porn. Another rumour I had heard was that you can ask for a dirty movie at the front desk, I suppose that’s what the VCR player was for, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. It was far from glamorous but it was a place for the night.

The next day we decided to first check out the World Culture Expo Park, the main feature being Gyeongju Tower which has a nine-story pagoda cut out in the middle, this is homage to the Hwangnyongsa Temple pagoda which was destroyed by the Mongolians in 1238. It was the tallest structure in the world at the time, reaching a height of 80m.

Soon after we made our way to Bulguksa Temple, the head temple of Korean Buddhism, and is considered by many to be the best. The initial building of the temple started in 528, it is vast and incredibly impressive. But with this title it has become a bit of a tourist trap. There were hundreds, if not thousands of people there, which killed the vibe. I’m no Buddhist monk but I was under the impression that the temples are meant to be peaceful, tranquil places for prayer and meditation, instead Bulguksa is filled with crowds, crying children, slow walking tour groups, tour group leaders with PA systems, and constant queues because some twat is taking another selfie. It says it all that the temple has a souvenir shop. I’m not saying don’t go to Bulguksa, but I would encourage you not to go on a weekend. If Buddist temples are your thing then go to a smaller, less popular one. There you will get a true, authentic experience, you will get the place to yourself, and you’ll see monks in their daily routine. You will not see this at Bulguksa.

Sunday was wrapped up with a short visit to Seokguram Grotto, 4 miles up the mountain from Bulguksa. A giant stone Buddha has been carved from a single rock. An impressive feat but it wasn’t something I could truly admire as a non-Buddhist. I could only appreciate it for its artistic value, which took all of about 2 minutes. If you’ve seen a Buddha statue before then don’t bother going to Seokguram Grotto. There I just save you a trip.

It would have been nice to stay another day, there were some other places I wanted to see but after a while it started to feel very similar. Temple, field, shrine, pavilion. Temple, field, shrine, pavilion. Returning to Seoul where there is civilisation, where restaurants aren’t empty after 9:30pm, and you don’t have to wait 20 minutes to get a taxi was nice. Gyeongju is a nice escape, but I am thoroughly glad to be living in a city.

Japan: Robots, Sex, French Maids, and Used Underwear

Karl and I recently travelled to Japan over the Chuseok break. Japan has always been a country that I have wanted to visit, arriving there I felt an excitement that I haven’t felt in other counties. Being in Japan for the first time it reminded me of the time that I arrived in Korea. I was in an unfamiliar Asian country where language was an issue (for me, not the locals… they can speak Japanese pretty well). In Korea I’ve picked up enough of the language to get by, but in Japan I was back to hand gestures and pointing. While I was struggling it didn’t take Karl long to start mixing with the locals.

Our first evening in Tokyo, Karl and I decided to explore the local region around our hotel. Before long we noticed that we were in the red light district of Tokyo, that’s why the hotel was so cheap. (The area is called Shinjuku if you’re planning on going). As we wandered around we were constantly approached by Nigerian men who try to lure you into the “bars” and “clubs”. When they approach you they say things like “you like girls?” or “Japanese girls sex” or “FREE TITTIES!” As much as I like girls, sex, and free titties, I was not in the market for those services on that particular night. Unsurprisingly, these guys started to get very annoying. When you turn down their offers they try to entice a response from you by saying “you don’t like titties?!” Karl and I started telling them that we were in Tokyo on our honeymoon, that kept the guys at bay. If there’s anything that will ward off Nigerians it is homosexuality. Karl and I just started making out in front of them just to prove a point.

This is all the touristy stuff we did:

The following morning. When looking for things to do in Tokyo, Karl told me that we should “have a beer for breakfast”. I’m not sure how that is unique to Tokyo but we obliged, and in true British fashion we had a beer and a curry for breakfast.

We went to the Meiji Shrine. It was vast and very Asian. It was a cool thing to see but having seen a lot of cool Asian things in Korea I think the novelty has worn off a little. It’s like when Lindsey Lohan did her first line of coke, I bet she got a huge thrill out of it but now when she vacuums up a line it’s a little underwhelming. That’s like me with Asian monuments.

A little later we went to the Shibuya Crossing, you often see it on TV. It’s a huge crossroad where all 4 directions of traffic stop to let hundreds of people cross the street. It doesn’t sound that cool when you write it down but it’s a touristy thing to do. Shut up.

A trip to Japan wouldn’t be complete without seeing some robots and the place to see them is at The National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation. You should have seen Karl’s face when we were there, it’s basically Disneyland for him. His smile got wider when he saw the exhibits and he started learning. I asked Karl shall we do some more sightseeing? He scoffed. I asked him, shall we get something to eat? He said “why?” I asked him, shall we go to a bar and meet some ladies? He said “science is the only sexual stimulus I need”. They are genuine quotes. We hung around for the Honda Asimo exhibit, which was pretty cool.

A Japanese phenomenon that I was unaware of was the maid cafes. Essentially, these are cafes where cute Japanese girls dress up as French maids and serve you, these exist for lonely guys who want cute girls to pay them some attention. Like the lonely tourists we were we went. We ordered some food and drinks and then the girls made us repeat the phrase “delicious magic, meow, meow, meow!” It was so cringey. It was also the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since Harry Redknapp said that Tottenham could win the league. There were 3 groups of people at this particular café; some drunk businessmen, a loner (who was there on his birthday!), and the foreigners. I don’t want to sound elitist but the other guys were fucking weird. We joined in with the silliness of the experience because it was funny but the other guys enjoyed it. The lonely guy who was there alone for his birthday requested that everyone should sing happy birthday for him. When he counted down 3, 2, 1… Karl and I were the only ones who sang. I felt sorry for him, having no mates, going to a maid café for your birthday alone, and the only people singing happy birthday are two random foreigners who don’t know your name. “Happy birthday dear… Happy birthday to you!” Poor bugger.

Whilst in Tokyo I noticed that there are a lot of white people. In Korea, there are a lot but usually only in the “white people areas” of Itaewon and Hongdae. In Tokyo they’re everywhere. The white people in Korea seem normal, they’re most likely teachers, or in the military. But the white people in Japan are just strange, they’re the weird kids at school who were into anime and Dungeons and Dragons, and there are thousands of them.

We went back to Shinjuku (the red light district), mainly because our hotel was there. The sex trade is almost non-existent in Korea, so I’ve heard. But in Tokyo it’s in abundance. Anything you want is on offer, and it wouldn’t take long to find whatever you’re into. A crazy thing I’d heard about Japan that I wanted to investigate was used panty vending machines. Not that I’m into that kind of thing… honest. But, I’d heard that this craziness existed and I wanted to see it (the vending machine, not the panties). I must have looked at every vending machine in the area but I couldn’t find a panty pantry. I was quite disappointed. I’ve since read that they don’t exist anymore but were available about a decade ago.

One thing that the Japanese do well is British pubs. They have dozens of them. I know, I know, you go all the way to Japan and you spend your time in a British pub, it’s madness but sometimes you just want a quick pint. We made up for it by trying the local cuisine. Karl and I both sunk our teeth into a chicken Teriyaki sandwich from Subway. We were fully immersed in Japanese culture.

The craziest thing we did in Tokyo was the Robot Cabaret Show. It seemed a little expensive at ¥6,000 (£40) a ticket but I can say it’s worth every yen. It’s not a show that you will fully understand unless you witness it for yourself. The best way to describe the show is that someone took a lorry load of acid and filmed what they saw. I went to Japan looking for weird shit and I found it. If you go this is what to expect; dragons, robot eating sharks, masked men shredding it on guitar, tanks and Gatling guns, giant snakes, robots fighting pandas, robots fighting tribesmen, Japanese women in bikinis riding 10ft robotic women, and so many other things that my brain couldn’t process at the time. It’s been a week and I’m still trying to comprehend what I witnessed. (See the video below for some highlights).

The video highlights:

Japan is probably the most interesting country I’ve been to, they can boast history, scenery, bustling cities, and pure crazy. But I don’t think I’d like to live there. The weirdness would become the norm and then the rest of the world would just be a disappointment. It’s OK that Japan is strange because you can experience it for a week and then go home. I was a tourist to the craziness, but the people that live there are prisoners to it.