Six Months in China

The 9^th of July marks 6 months in China for me and I’ve learned a few things about this bizarre country, culture and people. China is much like an orgy – there are too many people and it’s awkward when they stare at you, but the money’s good…for teaching not orgy participation. I don’t charge for the orgies.

Live Like a Chinaman

From my experience of living in Beijing, there seems to be very little concern for your fellow man. It’s a city filled with very selfish individuals all with the attitude “this is what I’m doing, deal with it”.

Sometimes it’s when drivers stop their car on a crossing making everyone walk around them, or smoking anywhere they want - inside or out - despite the no smoking signs, or spitting every 15 metres, or being my neighbour whose hobby is drilling every morning at 7am, or the lack of respect everyone has regarding personal space, or any number of bad habits locals have.

Another example of a Beijinger who doesn't care

It took a while to adjust to this way of life and it was causing my blood pressure to rise each day, but once you accept and act like a local life is much easier. Although, it’s something that I hope I leave behind when I move on from China.

A City of Blinking Lights

Chinese people love their neon lights, you’ve only got to walk around the city to see their admiration for a bit of neon or LED, but not so much when it comes to the cars.

Every car in the country is fitted with flashing lights on each corner, these are known as indicators and I’m sure as soon as one of the locals discovers how to use them they’ll soon catch on. Until then though, they’ll continue to switch lanes with their “fuck it, this is what I’m doing” attitude. Why use mirrors and indicators when you can save time by just drifting lanes as and when you please?

Feeling Like a Model

Despite a significant amount of moaning thus far I have a lot more self-confidence living in China. I think Brits don’t tend to give and receive compliments all that well. There is always an air of scepticism, suspicion or sarcasm with a compliment, but here in China I receive a lot of flattering remarks each day.

The most common one I receive is “you look like Chris Evans”. That’s very flattering…unless they mean the ginger Radio Two presenter then it’s just cruel.

Hollywood stunner or 51-year-old ginger? I'm still not sure who they mean.

I’ll take the positivity while I can get it as the last compliment I received prior to China was way back in October 2016 when I was in Thailand. I was sharing a bottle of rum on a beach with a girl from Ireland. She made it very clear that she had a boyfriend and that nothing was going to happen between us, I understood and was slightly relieved as she was hardly my type. After a significant measure of rum had been consumed came the compliment, she said “you’re not such a bad guy, Brendan, and if I weren’t taken we’d be doing it in those bushes by now.” Feeling pretty chuffed, she then continued “but given how much I’ve drunk I’d probably shag that dog too.” 

Still, you accept the compliments as and when they come.

The Chinese Revolution of Fashion

I’ve seen China in the winter and the summer and the fashions choices are none that I’ve really seen in western countries. They love an Arsene Wenger coat in the winter and in the summer clothing seems optional.

In the summer temperatures can soar to 40°C, so it’s totally reasonable to not wear a shirt or if you have a little more dignity to opt for the Beijing Bikini. For those not in the know a Beijing Bikini is when you pull your shirt up without a care in the world, but what I love even more than seeing middle-aged men’s bare mid-drifts is when the men of China ditch the shirt completely but keep their executive shoes and trousers on just in case they have to rush to a business meeting.

Waste Not, Want Not

I’ve heard the saying “Chinese people will eat anything with legs, except a table”. They turn their noses up at nothing. Maybe it’s because I was raised in a western country where I had the option not to eat something that didn’t look or sound nice. I remember being at school and one of the dinner ladies telling me that I had to have vegetables with my lunch, so at about 6-years-old I managed to convince her to give me one pea. That’s a weak dinner lady to give in to the orders of a 6-year-old.

Going to try Peking Duck? Expect side dishes of duck brain and duck bone soup (they taste exactly as you would imagine). Going to the supermarket? Expect to see every part of the animal for sale that western dogs wouldn’t eat. Fancy a snack? Why not try insects or poultry bills or fermented eggs?

Clockwise: How you buy chicken in a supermarket, a nice duck bill snack, which will go well with chicken feet, a century egg preserved in clay for many months, a pigs trotter in the supermarket, and fried seahorses and scorpions.

I’m only scratching the surface to be honest, anything you can imagine that can be hunted will be served on a plate somewhere in China.

Labour Exploitation

This place is so bloody cheap. Is it wrong to exploit cheap labour? Definitely, but it’s hard to avoid. Manufacturing is what has built China in the past few decades, I’ve exploited it no more than anyone else in the world, but it’s a pleasant surprise when you get a bill here.

Any form of labour usually costs less than a cup of coffee. A taxi across the city costs around £4. A cleaner for 2 hours costs £7. A man with a van helped me move apartments and charged me £12.

I live a privileged life. These days I don’t cook, clean, or take public transport and moving to another country might take some adjusting for my spoilt arse.

I Shouldn’t Have Said That…

To look around this city it seems no different to any other major metropolitan in the world. There is freedom of movement, freedom of choice, a wide choice of food options with foreign restaurants ubiquitous. Despite officially being communist China seems as capitalist as the west, or so it seems.

It’s something that I still haven’t gotten used to having been born and raised in Britain. I grew up in a country that allows true freedom and I find it bizarre that certain things are just accepted and other things are unquestionable.

A slip of the tongue can cause quite an earache here. I once referred to Hong Kong as a country to my students and they all shot me down. Stern faced they stopped me mid-sentence to say “Hong Kong is not a country.” Tensions are pretty high about that topic currently, so I keep my nose out.

I was feeling a little quizzical and was asking my co-workers about life in China asking question after question, which they seemed happy enough to answer. At what age do most people get married? How old do you have to be to drink? How old do you have to be to vote? A long pause followed that question, then I realised what I had said. People fought and died for their right to vote in Britain, but here it’s accepted that they don’t have that right. And whatever you do, don’t criticise China. China is number 1!

I’m currently experiencing modern day China, but I don’t know much about China’s past. That’s why I’m reading up on it. Always learning. I’m currently working my way through John Farman's Ancient China.

Yes, that’s a children’s book. I’m not doing a masters in Chinese history, I just want the basic facts delivered in a fun and informative way. I am reading adult books too, I’m not a complete imbecile, it’s just ancient history can be difficult to take in.

The Easy Life. Sort of.

A huge benefit of living in other countries is you get to see how other people tackle normal day-to-day things. My eyes have been opened to new, revolutionary ideas that make everyday tasks that little bit easier.

WeChat is the Chinese WhatsApp and everyone uses it.  This one app is used for everything, aside from the main function of communication it’s used for paying bills, booking hotels, booking cinema tickets, maps and navigation, ordering taxis, pretty much anything.

You don’t need bank cards and cash anymore.

Shopping has been made easier too. Using websites such as Jing Dong or Tao Bao, you can get great deals and SAME day delivery, no 3-5 day delivery times here.

While some things have been made so simple other aspects of life seem to have gone back in time. The visa process is unbelievable, 3 months of applications, interviews, more applications, signatures, approvals just to get a temporary visa, then to do it again to get the long-term one.

Renting an apartment is terribly annoying too. After you’ve gone house hunting you need to stump up three months’ rent, one month deposit, an agency fee, maintenance fees, it’s an expensive process! Quarterly rent payments are the norm which is another thing I had to learn.

The last six months has flown by and I’m sure the next six will too. Who knows what the future holds after that.

Until next time.

Longqing Gorge

Situated north of Beijing Longqing Gorge offers refuge for those tired of living in the polluted capital. Eunju and I had been planning on going for some time and had calculated the route there expecting it to take up around 2 hours by bus.

When I awoke that morning I felt rather uneasy with a minor stomachache. It wasn’t going to scupper my plans for the day and thought I’d be able to shake it off once I had a coffee inside me.

We boarded bus 919 and followed our progress on the map. We started to notice that the journey was taking much longer than anticipated, then we realised that we weren’t on the express bus. We were on the slow bus going around the houses. This very disappointing turn of events twinned with my stomach becoming more uncomfortable made for a disappointing morning. Three-and-a-half hours later we arrived.

We got off the bus in Yanqing and got a taxi to the gorge. The roads were empty – something I hadn’t seen since arriving in China. There was quite literally no one around which made it exquisitely peaceful. Then the taxi driver stopped and said that he couldn’t take us any further. Luckily we didn’t have to walk the remaining distance up the mountain roads as a man on a motorbike said he’d take us the rest of the way for ¥10 (about £1), a very fair and reasonable price to be propelled from a motorbike without any safety gear. Recent weather had been very hot, but this wasn’t the case in Yanqing. It was surprisingly chilly and by the time we’d gotten to the gorge on the back of the bike I was freezing. I was seriously considering buying a scarf, which seemed mad considering temperatures had reached 38°C only a few days before.

We had finally made it to the gorge. We took an escalator up the mountain, which I now think is definitely preferable to walking up.

We got aboard the boat that would take us along the snaking Gucheng River between the beautiful rocks. The scenery was truly magnificent, and the tour guide explained the history of the local area, or so Eunju told me anyway.

Further down the river and we were off the boat. At this pit stop were many exciting things that I was not in the mood for.

There were opportunities to go kayaking through the gorge, bungee jump off the top of one, or relax in a Buddhist temple. One way they tried to persuade people to do such adrenaline fuelled idiocies was to play very loud techno music. I suppose the logic is to play up beat music to get your blood pumping, and excited to make a mistake such as jumping off a 50m gorge with shoddy Chinese equipment. It didn’t quite have that effect on me.

Instead my stomach had just about given up and I was bordering on vomiting. Between the boat ride, the loud awful techno music, and the smell of burning incense from the nearby temple I was fully expecting to see the remains of my last meal. I was feeling terrible and was 4-5 hours away from the sanctuary of my bed. I wandered through the temple grounds and started to wonder if there would be anything more disrespectful than vomiting on a Buddhist monument. I managed to hold it together.

There was nothing else to do but make the slog of a journey back to Beijing feeling nauseous. I spent the rest of the day and the following morning between my toilet and my bed.

I was due back at work the following afternoon and got hit by a car on my commute to work. Not a bad accident, but enough of a hit to knock me off my bicycle.

It was not a good few days in the life of Brendan Fennell.

Gubei Watertown

I get behind with this blog very easily, but not too long ago China was lucky enough to have a 3-day weekend. Eunju and I decided to spend the time together and we had it all planned out; down the pub on Sunday night to watch the North London Derby and then a 2-day romantic trip to Gubei Watertown. 

It took little convincing to get Eunju in an Arsenal shirt. She obviously hasn’t been keeping up to date with our recent results, the fan protests about the total lack of confidence in the boardroom and management, or she hadn’t even seen the recent images of that orange racist’s son wearing the full Arsenal kit. Luckily, I had so I was smart enough to bring a jacket with me to the pub. If we lost I was wearing it and she’d have to ride the waves of abuse from that other mob in North London. It’s the choice she made when she put the shirt on. We don’t need to dwell on the result.

The next day we went to Gubei. I've been looking at taking a few trips out of Beijing, but every time I find a place I'd like to go I find out that it's a 4-hour flight from the capital. I'm still not used to living in such a big country. 

We boarded the bus to Gubei only to find out it was a city bus. An old city bus. You don't appreciate the comforts of a coach until you sit on a city bus for 2-and-a-half-hours. Eunju told me that the bus smelt pretty bad too, it was one of the few times in my life that I benefitted from having hayfever. 

We drove through mile after mile of Chinese countryside. As nice as the farms and mountains were it really seemed like the ideal opportunity to get 40 winks and recover a little more from the night before. As I was just drifting off the bus driver tooted his horn. In China you drive with your ears as much as with your eyes. I mean, why use your side mirrors when you can hear the beautiful sound of a car horn? Except this was a bus horn and I'm pretty certain it was mounted inside the bus. Two hours to Gubei with the serenading sounds of a smelly, old Beijing city bus. Living the dream.

Gubei was extremely charming. It’s got the design and feel of a traditional Chinese village, while having the luxuries of new modern hotels and spas. Albeit a bit touristy, it was a welcomed break from the Beijing smog.

I did experience a notable Chinese spectacle while in Gubei. Whenever I speak to friends or family who haven’t been to China they’re all very quick in asking whether I’ve seen someone defecate in the street and I always dismiss their questions with amusement. I stress that I live In Beijing, a huge metropolitan area, not some backwards rural shanty town. Well, I wasn’t in Beijing any more. Eunju and I were strolling down by the water front, clear bue skies above us, and The Great Wall in the distance, and in the corner of my eye I see a figure squatting. My attention is drawn and I’m now observing a child shitting on a lawn. My brain is telling me stop looking at a half-naked child, but it has also disabled my neck muscles preventing me from turning away. The family are relaxing near-by without a care in the world as their child shits next to a Don’t Walk On The Grass sign. I wonder in Chinese small print whether it said Pooping Permitted.

We made our way up to the Great Wall and watched the sunset. It wasn’t as nice as I had expected as it had become cloudy and pretty chilly. Who’d have thought it gets cold on a mountain 986m above sea level when the sun goes down? 

We retired to the hotel. The following morning we went down for the complimentary breakfast. You haven’t seen mayhem until you tell Chinese people that there is an all-you-can-eat free breakfast. I’ve never seen plates piled so high and I’ve been to Toby Carvery. I was quite content with a croissant, some fruit and a coffee, yet they were piling up noodles, rice, dumplings, toast, watermelon, baked beans, it doesn’t matter whether it goes together get it on your plate. Remind me never to go to an all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant here (or an all-you-can-eat restaurant as they probably call it here).

It was a great escape from Beijing and no sooner had I been back that a sandstorm had blown in from the northern deserts. It lasted about 2 days and I’m sure cycling to work in that probably took 6 months off my life expectancy.

Anyway, until next time.

Roberts Came to Visit

Life in Beijing was swell. I was starting to feel a little more adjusted to life here. Life was good, then I got a text that no one ever wants to receive...Joe Roberts is coming to Beijing. I searched for excuses, but drew a blank. I was going to have to spend 3-4 days with him. Not only that, but he was also bringing Aisling with him. Aptly nicknamed "Conor McGregor", she strikes fear into the hearts of all men. I begrudgingly accepted to show them around the city.

Once they had arrived I had the pressure of being a tour guide despite only being here for 2 months myself. I'm not even sure I could give a guided tour of my hometown of Bedford.

"That's the Bedford International Athletics Stadium, that's the River Great Ouse, and that's The Rose. Tour over. Let's go for a pint."

Added to that my lack of Chinese language skills I didn't really tick any boxes you'd expect from a tour guide. My Chinese vocabulary ranges to chicken, pork, beef, subway station, Americano, rice, noodles, hello, thank you, good bye, and what's your name? Should any of them arise on the tour then we'd be golden, but they didn't really come up. I was less of a tour guide and more of a third wheel.

I really ought to study.

First up, Tianenmen Square.

Even at 4pm there was a huge queue to get in - it's China, there are people everywhere. Joe and Aisling got to see the locals up close in the wild. They saw first hand how incapable they are of queuing orderly and just how much they like to spit. 

Next, I told them how nice the Bell and Clock Towers look at night, so we hailed a cab and I told the driver where we wanted to go (shortly after looking up online how to say Bell Tower in Chinese). Taxi drivers don't really follow the highway code here. I was always taught mirror, signal, manoeuvre. Chinese taxi drivers obviously learned a different method of spit out the window, toot the horn, manoeuvre.

When we arrived the lights weren't on. The cracks started to form in my tour guide sham. We retired to a bar and caught up.

The following day we really went for it. Starting at The Temple of Heaven, then onto The Forbidden City, Jingshan Park, and Beihei Park. I'd like to think I slightly redeemed myself on Day 2. 

We ended the day in Sanlitun for a few beers. Joe and Aisling had an early morning tour of The Great Wall the next day, but I didn't so my calls to stay out for a few more we're regrettable the following day. Their Great Wall experience would have been much better had it not been for the hangover and the accompanying Americans. I know which one I'd rather be stuck with all day.

We met up on March 17th for Joe an Aisling's final full day in Beijing. We met in the morning to see The Summer Palace, but as the days went by the pollution started to get a lot worse. 

Their trip coincided with St. Patrick's Day and finally I had a use for Aisling. She's a pedigree Irish whereas I'm more of a mongrel. When the big day comes around I have to pull out the family tree to gain any credibility to my Irish claim. But with Aisling there I no longer had to use excuses like "my brother and grandparents were born there" or "my mum lives there", if anyone questioned my accent I just pointed to Aisling and said "I'm with Conor". They were sensible enough to back down then.

It was great to see and spend time with them both even if it was only for a few days. I'm also glad they managed to see Beijing when the pollution was mild (we even had a day with blue skies!) because soon after they left the pollution got pretty bad and I even resorted to using a face mask. I'm not too keen on them though as they pull on your ears and make you look like Glen Clasper (that joke is funny to about 3 people who'll read this).

Having come from Bedfordshire where the air is clean to, according to the WHO, Beijing which is the 76th most polluted city in the world. Although, if you walk around Bedford and look at the locals you get the feeling that they don't live in the healthiest of environments. A lot of them probably had mothers who chain-smoked all through pregnancy, fed them a diet of processed meat, before they started weaning them onto protein shakes and heroin. So I suppose clean air doesn’t always result in a healthy individual.

Till next time.

Chinese New Year: The Great Wall, Clubs, and a Dead City

The Chinese New Year celebrations are coming to an end and the millions of people are flocking back to the city. I was expecting to achieve quite a lot over the week of celebrations, but that wasn’t as easy as I had planned. The city closes down for a week. It’s bizarre to see such a deserted city which is usually thriving. 75% of businesses close and the city is lit up with fireworks and firecrackers, just the noises you want to hear when you’re trying to sleep in.

So, I did what most people do when there is nothing to do – drink. Luckily, some of the few establishments open were a select few bars, and I could sniff them out a mile away.

I’ve had my first experience of a Chinese night club and they are quite the spectacle. When you picture a club in western country you imagine a bar and a dance floor, in China they sell booths and each booth is sold an expensive bottle (or bottles) of top quality alcohol and a fruit platter. Of course, a fruit platter. Most are dressed in their finest attire, while I was in a farmer shirt looking like I’d come straight from the rice paddies.

Chinese culture is built on saving face. (I’m going to define that now and any Chinese people reading this will probably scoff at my inability to grasp the “saving face” concept.) Saving face is about one’s public appearance and opinion. A Chinese person would buy a gift for someone they cannot afford to give the appearance of wealth, or order more food at an already full table while exclaiming there isn’t enough, or they'd rather borrow money from multiple parties at increasingly unsustainable interest rates than have others know that their company is broke.

This bodes well for night clubs as everyone is throwing money around. Although, not me. Again another Chinese culture I cannot get on board with. While most people were ordering bottle after bottle of high end vodka I blagged my way onto the guest list to get free entry and was waving my free drink coupons at the bar. "Another free rum and coke, please."

The competition was fierce, there were hundreds of rich Chinese guys that I couldn't compete financially with, but on the dance floor they’re as stiff as a scarecrow. This is where I come into my element. While I can shake it with best of them the difference between us is that at the end of the night the scarecrows take their ladies home in a Mercedes and I have to tell my lucky lady that we’ve got to wait until 5:30am for the subway to open.

I did manage to tick something significant off the bucket list during the week and that was visiting The Great Wall of China. It was definitely a wise idea to spend 3 hours in the Chinese mountains in a -12°C chill.

It is a very impressive wall. Originally built between 220-206BC, stretching 8,850km to keep out the Mexicans. And Qin Shi Huang even got the Mexicans to pay for it.

I went with Matt and Drew and we booked our excursion as part of a group tour. On my travels I’ve seen many Chinese tourists groups and hated every one. Always a large group of pushy tourists with a tour guide speaking incoherently into a very cheap and very loud PA system. Now I was in one of these groups. It didn’t take us long to break away from the guided tour and explore on our own.

Obviously it was to keep out the Mongolians (I was just joshing with you before) and looking at the surrounding mountains the wall seemed unnecessary. It looked pretty difficult to scale these enormous mountains, you’d think a wall would be a piece of cake. Their ability to scale mountains was trumped by their inability to build a ladder.

I do have a few criticisms of the wall and the first is the inconsistent step sizes. This tied with having a few beers on the wall made walking along it a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. Criticism number two, it’s too long. I was on it for 3 hours and hardly saw any of it. An escalator or a Stannah Stairlift would improve the experience significantly.

On the way back down the mountain we had the privilege of sharing the very same cable car that Bill Clinton had used when he visited the wall. Who knows what went on in that car, but knowing what old Bill is like I didn’t want to touch anything.

The Great Wall is impressive and it shows the achievement of the human race. It’s amazing what man can achieve when there is no concern for human lives. You’ve only got to see what they’re doing in Qatar to see a modern example. And you know, all those people who have lost their lives building those stadiums would say the sacrifice of life is worth having air-conditioned sporting arenas.

Going to try my hand at skiing in a couple of days. I could play it safe with snowboarding, but the idea of trying to ski, breaking a bone, and spending a significant amount of time in a Chinese hospital is just too appealing. 

Moving to Beijing #brexit

Anthony Costa, Lee Ryan, Duncan James, and Simon Webbe are quite the philosophers. Let’s just analyse one example of their genius.

“It's kinda funny how life can change
Can flip 180 in a matter of days”

These lines of wisdom really resonate with me. It was only a matter of months ago that I was preparing to sign an extension on my contract in Korea, yet I currently find myself starting a new chapter in Beijing.

I was fully prepared for my move; I watched Big Trouble In Little China, censored all the media in my house and I dismissed everything I ever knew about global warming as we all know the concept of global warming was created by the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

The visa process has been more troublesome than I had hoped, but I’m here trying to adjust to a new time-zone, culture, language, and company.

Language:

It was a lonely start to life in Beijing. After I had said my goodbyes to my nearest and dearest in England I didn’t actually talk to another human being for about 48 hours. The driver, the hotel staff, the waiters and waitresses exclusively spoke Chinese, which I know isn’t strange as I’m in China.

I had planned on studying a little before I got here so that I would have the basics down, but I’m almost 3 weeks in now and I’m still a moronic tourist speaking in English and pointing at pictures. No one speaks English here. Luckily I have my Baidu translation app to get me through, but who knew the first thing I’d have to translate in China would be “I’ve blocked the toilet in my hotel room”. Most people use it to translate menus or for asking directions, I’m notifying the locals that my bowels are causing havoc to the Beijing city plumbing.

Public Toilets:

While we’re on the subject, the public toilets in Beijing are the worst I’ve encountered and I’ve been to India! My Beijing expert, Bernd, had warned me about the toilet situation, but nothing can prepare you for this encounter. The smell hits you making you recoil, closing your eyes and stopping your breathing. You assess that you need to get in and get out as soon as possible without touching anything.

There is no privacy in a Chinese public toilet, all squatters with a two-foot high divide between the holes and no door. Why would you need a door in such a circumstance? And there is always someone shitting. Always. It’s a city with a population of 23 million people, there are 1,440 minutes in a day, that means there are statistically 16,000 people going every minute – not taking into consideration peak times.

The locals seem so casual about it too. My days are planned around my movements, I don’t leave my apartment unless I’ve gone. There is no way I’m squatting in these hell holes making eye-contact with the fella next to me.

Pollution:

In the days prior to my departure all I saw in the news was how Beijing was experiencing the worst spell of pollution in recent years. Since my arrival it’s been nothing but blue skies! I haven’t seen a polluted China…yet. I’m sure when it does hit I’ll probably keel over.

Food:

Chinese food is meant to be amazing, right? Well, not the stuff I’ve been eating. I’m pretty clueless to be fair, just pointing at pictures and hoping for the best. Getting a Chinese take-away in England is a taste sensation, these local lads ought to get over to The Elephant on Bedford Road and taste some of their stuff. That’s real Chinese food.

Found a testicle in my soup. I didn’t eat it.

Even getting some simple supplies at the supermarket proved difficult. I had a basic shopping list; bread, butter, milk, and cereal. Easy enough. They had no cereal, I got margarine instead of butter, I got the bread, and this.

That looks like milk, it’s actually yoghurt. A litre-and-a-half of yoghurt. I don’t buy that much yoghurt throughout the year usually. Now I’m swigging yoghurt every time I pass the kitchen.

Chinese Hangovers:

Oh boy, they’re pretty rough. I’ve been in China for 19 days and 2 of them have been spent in bed recovering. I thought Tsingtao is meant to be pretty good. Well, I imagine the bottled exported stuff is the Chinese show beer, the local draught Tsingtao isn’t the same. I’m not sure what they’re adding to it, loads of chemicals and STIs probably, but it’s more than likely that if it remains cheap I’ll keep drinking it.

I haven’t tried any Chinese spirits yet and I hope I don’t. It’s not a promise I can make though and it will be a hangover that will probably be my death sentence.

Internet:

Using the internet takes some getting used to in China. A lot of content is blocked and many sites too. Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and Google to name a few. I didn’t realise how much I relied on Google. Emails, maps, internet browsing, translation, my calendar all powered by Google. You can get around it, but it’s a bit of a hassle. Most of the time I tend to use other search engines. I’m using Bing like some animal. It’s such a bad search engine. You enter your search and Bing says ‘here is one link with some of the information you’re looking for and here are another 50 links with absolutely no information related to your search’.

Sightseeing:

I haven’t done an awful lot to be honest, I’ve been on a training course for my new company, I’ve been apartment hunting, but most importantly it’s too bloody cold.

I’ve been over to Tiananmen Square and had a look at Chairman Mao’s preserved body. Mental, right? Mao actually requested to be cremated, but now he’s ended up as a tourist attraction. Don’t ever do that with my body. I’m not too bothered what you do with my corpse as I’ll be dead, burn it, bury it, take it down Bedford’s tidy tip, but just don’t make me into an exhibition.

I took a wander to Beijing’s Drum Tower (or Gulou), where in ancient times it was used to announce the time. I climbed the hundreds of stairs and stayed for one of the drumming performances and it was rather underwhelming. To be fair to the lads, if you dressed me up like a Morris dancer in the middle of winter and told me to perform every half hour in an open tower I probably wouldn’t be at my best. I walked across the way to the Bell Tower, but I couldn’t be bothered to climb all those stairs again to look at an old bell. If I wanted to look at an old bell I’ll just look at a picture of Harry Redknapp.

Culture:

I don’t know much about Chinese culture, but apparently you’re meant to greet the oldest person in the group first as a sign of respect, you’re not meant to place chopsticks upright in your bowl as this represents death, and never write in red ink.

One thing that definitely isn’t in their culture is queuing. That is something that is going to give me high blood pressure over the next 12 months. I was queuing in McDonald’s the other night getting something nutritious after a few jars of lager. I was waiting and a lady stepped in front of me and ordered. As I was lacking the language skills to tell her I was first, I just started speaking to myself in English while she looked at me. It kept me sane in that moment.

“Oh, I guess my McChicken nuggets are far less important that your McBullshit Chinese shrimp burger”.

And I can hear what you’re all saying.

“But Brendan, you’re in China, shouldn’t you adhere to their culture and customs?”

No. Queuing makes sense. We live in a society. This isn’t Armageddon, it’s McDonald’s. I’m ordering chicken at 4am not scavenging the last few bottles of drinking water before one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse decapitates me. We have enough water, we have enough chicken nuggets. Now, stand behind me in an orderly queue.

All told, my short time in Beijing has been fun an interesting. I’ve had the opportunity to meet some new friends and see a new city. I’ve been pleasantly surprised, Koreans like to say negative things about the Chinese so I was expecting the worst. In reality, people have been friendly, the skies are blue, and there’s less spitting than I was expecting.

It’s also made me realise how lucky I am. A few months ago, having just returned from a long holiday in southeast Asia I just decided to move to China, that's not an opportunity most people have. A lot of people are fleeing their war-torn homelands in overcrowded rubber boats that are likely to sink. I just did an online application and boarded an Emirates flight.

Anyway, things are going well. I’ve worked 3 days in the past month and now I’ve got 6 off for Chinese New Year.

新年快乐!