Anthony Costa, Lee Ryan, Duncan James, and Simon Webbe are
quite the philosophers. Let’s just analyse one example of their genius.
“It's kinda funny how
life can change
Can flip 180 in a matter of days”
Can flip 180 in a matter of days”
These lines of wisdom really resonate with me. It was only a
matter of months ago that I was preparing to sign an extension on my contract
in Korea, yet I currently find myself starting a new chapter in Beijing.
I was fully prepared for my move; I watched Big Trouble In
Little China, censored all the media in my house and I dismissed everything I
ever knew about global warming as we all know the concept of global warming was
created by the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
The visa process has been more troublesome than I had hoped,
but I’m here trying to adjust to a new time-zone, culture, language, and
company.
Language:
It was a lonely start to life in Beijing. After I had said
my goodbyes to my nearest and dearest in England I didn’t actually talk to
another human being for about 48 hours. The driver, the hotel staff, the
waiters and waitresses exclusively spoke Chinese, which I know isn’t strange as
I’m in China.
I had planned on studying a little before I got here so that
I would have the basics down, but I’m almost 3 weeks in now and I’m still a
moronic tourist speaking in English and pointing at pictures. No one speaks
English here. Luckily I have my Baidu translation app to get me through, but
who knew the first thing I’d have to translate in China would be “I’ve blocked
the toilet in my hotel room”. Most people use it to translate menus or for
asking directions, I’m notifying the locals that my bowels are causing havoc to
the Beijing city plumbing.
Public Toilets:
While we’re on the subject, the public toilets in Beijing
are the worst I’ve encountered and I’ve been to India! My Beijing expert,
Bernd, had warned me about the toilet situation, but nothing can prepare you
for this encounter. The smell hits you making you recoil, closing your eyes and
stopping your breathing. You assess that you need to get in and get out as soon
as possible without touching anything.
There is no privacy in a Chinese public toilet, all
squatters with a two-foot high divide between the holes and no door. Why would
you need a door in such a circumstance? And there is always someone shitting.
Always. It’s a city with a population of 23 million people, there are 1,440
minutes in a day, that means there are statistically 16,000 people going every
minute – not taking into consideration peak times.
The locals seem so casual about it too. My days are planned
around my movements, I don’t leave my apartment unless I’ve gone. There is no
way I’m squatting in these hell holes making eye-contact with the fella next to
me.
Pollution:
In the days prior to my departure all I saw in the news was
how Beijing was experiencing the worst spell of pollution in recent years.
Since my arrival it’s been nothing but blue skies! I haven’t seen a polluted
China…yet. I’m sure when it does hit I’ll probably keel over.
Food:
Chinese food is meant to be amazing, right? Well, not the
stuff I’ve been eating. I’m pretty clueless to be fair, just pointing at
pictures and hoping for the best. Getting a Chinese take-away in England is a
taste sensation, these local lads ought to get over to The Elephant on Bedford
Road and taste some of their stuff. That’s real Chinese food.
 |
| Found a testicle in my soup. I didn’t eat it. |
That looks like milk, it’s actually yoghurt. A
litre-and-a-half of yoghurt. I don’t buy that much yoghurt throughout the year
usually. Now I’m swigging yoghurt every time I pass the kitchen.
Chinese Hangovers:
Oh boy, they’re pretty rough. I’ve been in China for 19 days
and 2 of them have been spent in bed recovering. I thought Tsingtao is meant to
be pretty good. Well, I imagine the bottled exported stuff is the Chinese show
beer, the local draught Tsingtao isn’t the same. I’m not sure what they’re
adding to it, loads of chemicals and STIs probably, but it’s more than likely
that if it remains cheap I’ll keep drinking it.
I haven’t tried any Chinese spirits yet and I hope I don’t.
It’s not a promise I can make though and it will be a hangover that will
probably be my death sentence.
Internet:
Using the internet takes some getting used to in China. A
lot of content is blocked and many sites too. Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and
Google to name a few. I didn’t realise how much I relied on Google. Emails,
maps, internet browsing, translation, my calendar all powered by Google. You
can get around it, but it’s a bit of a hassle. Most of the time I tend to use
other search engines. I’m using Bing like some animal. It’s such a bad search
engine. You enter your search and Bing says ‘here is one link with some of the
information you’re looking for and here are another 50 links with absolutely no
information related to your search’.
Sightseeing:
I haven’t done an awful lot to be honest, I’ve been on a
training course for my new company, I’ve been apartment hunting, but most importantly
it’s too bloody cold.
I’ve been over to Tiananmen Square and had a look at
Chairman Mao’s preserved body. Mental, right? Mao actually requested to be
cremated, but now he’s ended up as a tourist attraction. Don’t ever do that
with my body. I’m not too bothered what you do with my corpse as I’ll be dead,
burn it, bury it, take it down Bedford’s tidy tip, but just don’t make me into
an exhibition.
I took a wander to Beijing’s Drum Tower (or Gulou), where
in ancient times it was used to announce the time. I climbed the hundreds of
stairs and stayed for one of the drumming performances and it was rather
underwhelming. To be fair to the lads, if you dressed me up like a Morris
dancer in the middle of winter and told me to perform every half hour in an
open tower I probably wouldn’t be at my best. I walked across the way to the
Bell Tower, but I couldn’t be bothered to climb all those stairs again to look
at an old bell. If I wanted to look at an old bell I’ll just look at a picture
of Harry Redknapp.
Culture:
I don’t know much about Chinese culture, but apparently you’re meant
to greet the oldest person in the group first as a sign of respect, you’re not
meant to place chopsticks upright in your bowl as this represents death, and
never write in red ink.
One thing that definitely isn’t in their culture is queuing.
That is something that is going to give me high blood pressure over the next 12
months. I was queuing in McDonald’s the other night getting something
nutritious after a few jars of lager. I was waiting and a lady stepped in front
of me and ordered. As I was lacking the language skills to tell her I was
first, I just started speaking to myself in English while she looked at me. It
kept me sane in that moment.
“Oh, I guess my
McChicken nuggets are far less important that your McBullshit Chinese shrimp
burger”.
And I can hear what you’re all saying.
“But Brendan, you’re
in China, shouldn’t you adhere to their culture and customs?”
No. Queuing makes sense. We live in a society. This isn’t
Armageddon, it’s McDonald’s. I’m ordering chicken at 4am not scavenging the
last few bottles of drinking water before one of the four horsemen of the
apocalypse decapitates me. We have enough water, we have enough chicken
nuggets. Now, stand behind me in an orderly queue.
All told, my short time in Beijing has been fun an
interesting. I’ve had the opportunity to meet some new friends and see a new
city. I’ve been pleasantly surprised, Koreans like to say negative things about
the Chinese so I was expecting the worst. In reality, people have been
friendly, the skies are blue, and there’s less spitting than I was expecting.
It’s also made me realise how lucky I am. A few months ago,
having just returned from a long holiday in southeast Asia I just decided to
move to China, that's not an opportunity most people have. A lot of people are fleeing their war-torn homelands in overcrowded
rubber boats that are likely to sink. I just did an online application and
boarded an Emirates flight.
Anyway, things are going well. I’ve worked 3 days in the
past month and now I’ve got 6 off for Chinese New Year.
新年快乐!
