Disaster and Chaos are Always Good

I had another friendly face pay me a visit recently, this time it was from American shores. Drew, a friend who I met from my days playing football in Korea. We were both drawn to the lure of DAROK with promises of free beer and nachos from our sponsored pub and that perfectly sums up our friendship. 

Our weeklong jaunt got off to valiant start. We awoke on Drew’s first full day in Beijing to blue skies and sunshine – the perfect setting for a trip to The Great Wall. We leisurely took the cable car up the mountain and spent the afternoon exploring a relatively empty wall (well, empty for China) before getting a toboggan down the mountain. Having seen the Wall before the toboggan was easily the best part of the day. We were back in the city by the early afternoon with plenty of time do a bar crawl through Beijing.

I’ve shared many tequilas with Drew in the few years I’ve known him and pretty much each time has ended in some regrettable situations. That night in Beijing was no different.

I made the mistake of telling Drew that alcohol is free to foreigners in Beijing nightclubs. Yes, free of charge with unlimited access. We worked our magic on the girl at the door of the club and we were in for free because of our charm, but mostly because of the colour of our skin. As we arrived at the foreigner table and two seats became available in the booth, it was almost as if they were reserved for us. We sat kings of the foreigners as we helped ourselves to the bottles of vodka, gin, rum, whiskey, and that devil juice, tequila. It was around this point that things got a bit hazy and I awoke the following morning with no sign of Drew and vomit on my shoes.

Where was he? Was he alive? Was that my vomit? I couldn’t contact him as he was still on his US carrier and that’s assuming he still had his phone. It was well into the afternoon and there was no word. I was feeling pretty awful at that stage as since I had met him at the airport I’d taken care of the travel arrangements and then left him in a city. As I was heading out into the heart of Beijing to look for him there he was. He’d found my apartment…somehow. He was looking worse for wear, but with litres of Gatorade under his arm he was there and alive with possessions intact. Relief.

I asked him what had happened and where he had been, but he was as useful as I was at filling in the blanks. The day of sightseeing was cancelled and the recovery began.

"One of the worst hangovers in years" was how Drew described it. I had to inform the young man that despite the alcohol being offered for free, it was, in fact, fake alcohol. Fake alcohol as in some Chinese fella has brewed it in his bathtub and packaged it to look like the real thing. It’s China, everything’s fake. It probably doesn’t bode well that my body has become immune to the stuff, although I remember how horrific those hangovers were when I first arrived here.

We still had an opportunity to make up for lost time as our train to Shanghai wasn’t until 2pm the following day, so we set an early alarm and made plans to see Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City and The Temple of Heaven before our departure to Shanghai.

There was a slight drizzle come the morning, but we were more determined than ever. We turned to Chairman Mao Zedong for inspiration.

“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible”.

- Mao Zedong

With this Marxist-Leninist-Maoist inspiration in our hearts, we were on our way to do some communist sightseeing. 

We walked around the sights getting wetter and colder. Despite the weather, we still had to fight our way through the crowds (it’s China, there are always crowds). Chinese crowds are trying at the best of times and one thing that makes them worse – umbrellas. Those pointy umbrellas scratched my eyeballs worse than eczema on an itchy arsehole. We ticked off Tiananmen and The Forbidden City, but ditched plans for the Temple of Heaven as we couldn’t take it anymore. We got a taxi to Beijing train station and people watched until our departure time. Chinese people watching is easily the best thing you can do in Beijing and is my new favourite hobby.

We made our train to Shanghai, which I was a little worried about as Drew and I have a history of missing trains having missed one to Ulsan as we went drinking the night before. That bloody tequila again.

I was happy to spend time with drew in Beijing but I can't help but feel that he didn't see the places I had wanted him to. Our time in Beijing was much like the McGregor vs. Mayweather fight. We came out swinging in the first 3 rounds, but before long Beijing fought back and put us in our place. 

We cruised through the empty Chinese countryside at 307 km/h. Living in one of the most populated cities in the world it's pleasant to see a vast countryside, occasionally passing a city I've never heard of, which probably has a larger population than London. 

Four-and-a-half hours later and 1068 km behind us we arrived in Shanghai with just enough time to get to the AirBnB, drop our bags and head to the pub for the Liverpool vs. Arsenal.

The view from the AirBnB

I was very worried as our night could take a bad turn. If Arsenal lost heavily we knew we'd hit the tequilas pretty hard. 

Arsenal lost 4-0 and we hit the tequilas hard. 

The recovery was from the night before was much more successful. We had a food tour planned for this day, but as we hadn't eaten all morning and considering how much we drank the night before I was hoping Burger King was the first stop on the tour. Instead, it was a bull frog restaurant. 

“Swollen in head, weak in legs, sharp in tongue but empty in belly.”

- Mao Zedong

I was so hungry that I filled up on bull frogs, which is something I never thought I'd say. They were pretty good, but we had 8 more stops on the food tour and I was getting bloated. I was forcing down longevity noodles and crab cakes. It was not the hangover food I needed.

Top centre clockwise: some Chinese lad frying some pork cutlets, spicy bullfrog on rice, a crab cake pie, some dumplings, some flat bread, another dumpling, longevity noodles, some aged 50% alcohol. Hardly the best descriptions, I ate this stuff a few weeks back and didn't write down what we were eating.

We finished the tour and cracked a beer on The Bund. 

Another day in Shanghai and it was time to see the Propaganda Art Museum. It exhibits posters from the Maoist era of Revolutionary China. These images inspired millions of people to rise up and make their country into a global superpower. Before the age of widespread social media, this is how people were influenced.

Many depicted images of pro-Russian communism and painted images of anti-American capitalism. I laughed and pointed at the depiction of Americans in front of Drew until I saw a few posters mocking us Brits. That's not cool. 

The posters were fascinating. Take this image of the guys riding a fire breathing dragon. It doesn't inspire me much other than to go for some spicy noodles, but it built hopes of industry, agriculture, and toppling American imperialism. 

We got turnt that night. 

After forcing ourselves up for our final day at a reasonable hour we went to the old town and did the old sightseeing nonsense. 

We coordinated our outfits for this photoshoot.

The next morning Drew was up early to make his flight, he left while I was still in bed. Now I understand how whorish it feels to have a man walk out on you. I got the train home which felt like it took an eternity. When we got the train south it was easy. I was dreaming of cocaine and hookers, but on the way back I was nursing my damaged body and had laundry to do when I got home.

"Disaster and chaos are always good".

- Mao Zedong

It was a pleasure to spend some time with a good friend and hopefully, it’s not too long before I see him again wherever in the world that may be.

Roberts Came to Visit

Life in Beijing was swell. I was starting to feel a little more adjusted to life here. Life was good, then I got a text that no one ever wants to receive...Joe Roberts is coming to Beijing. I searched for excuses, but drew a blank. I was going to have to spend 3-4 days with him. Not only that, but he was also bringing Aisling with him. Aptly nicknamed "Conor McGregor", she strikes fear into the hearts of all men. I begrudgingly accepted to show them around the city.

Once they had arrived I had the pressure of being a tour guide despite only being here for 2 months myself. I'm not even sure I could give a guided tour of my hometown of Bedford.

"That's the Bedford International Athletics Stadium, that's the River Great Ouse, and that's The Rose. Tour over. Let's go for a pint."

Added to that my lack of Chinese language skills I didn't really tick any boxes you'd expect from a tour guide. My Chinese vocabulary ranges to chicken, pork, beef, subway station, Americano, rice, noodles, hello, thank you, good bye, and what's your name? Should any of them arise on the tour then we'd be golden, but they didn't really come up. I was less of a tour guide and more of a third wheel.

I really ought to study.

First up, Tianenmen Square.

Even at 4pm there was a huge queue to get in - it's China, there are people everywhere. Joe and Aisling got to see the locals up close in the wild. They saw first hand how incapable they are of queuing orderly and just how much they like to spit. 

Next, I told them how nice the Bell and Clock Towers look at night, so we hailed a cab and I told the driver where we wanted to go (shortly after looking up online how to say Bell Tower in Chinese). Taxi drivers don't really follow the highway code here. I was always taught mirror, signal, manoeuvre. Chinese taxi drivers obviously learned a different method of spit out the window, toot the horn, manoeuvre.

When we arrived the lights weren't on. The cracks started to form in my tour guide sham. We retired to a bar and caught up.

The following day we really went for it. Starting at The Temple of Heaven, then onto The Forbidden City, Jingshan Park, and Beihei Park. I'd like to think I slightly redeemed myself on Day 2. 

We ended the day in Sanlitun for a few beers. Joe and Aisling had an early morning tour of The Great Wall the next day, but I didn't so my calls to stay out for a few more we're regrettable the following day. Their Great Wall experience would have been much better had it not been for the hangover and the accompanying Americans. I know which one I'd rather be stuck with all day.

We met up on March 17th for Joe an Aisling's final full day in Beijing. We met in the morning to see The Summer Palace, but as the days went by the pollution started to get a lot worse. 

Their trip coincided with St. Patrick's Day and finally I had a use for Aisling. She's a pedigree Irish whereas I'm more of a mongrel. When the big day comes around I have to pull out the family tree to gain any credibility to my Irish claim. But with Aisling there I no longer had to use excuses like "my brother and grandparents were born there" or "my mum lives there", if anyone questioned my accent I just pointed to Aisling and said "I'm with Conor". They were sensible enough to back down then.

It was great to see and spend time with them both even if it was only for a few days. I'm also glad they managed to see Beijing when the pollution was mild (we even had a day with blue skies!) because soon after they left the pollution got pretty bad and I even resorted to using a face mask. I'm not too keen on them though as they pull on your ears and make you look like Glen Clasper (that joke is funny to about 3 people who'll read this).

Having come from Bedfordshire where the air is clean to, according to the WHO, Beijing which is the 76th most polluted city in the world. Although, if you walk around Bedford and look at the locals you get the feeling that they don't live in the healthiest of environments. A lot of them probably had mothers who chain-smoked all through pregnancy, fed them a diet of processed meat, before they started weaning them onto protein shakes and heroin. So I suppose clean air doesn’t always result in a healthy individual.

Till next time.

Moving to Beijing #brexit

Anthony Costa, Lee Ryan, Duncan James, and Simon Webbe are quite the philosophers. Let’s just analyse one example of their genius.

“It's kinda funny how life can change
Can flip 180 in a matter of days”

These lines of wisdom really resonate with me. It was only a matter of months ago that I was preparing to sign an extension on my contract in Korea, yet I currently find myself starting a new chapter in Beijing.

I was fully prepared for my move; I watched Big Trouble In Little China, censored all the media in my house and I dismissed everything I ever knew about global warming as we all know the concept of global warming was created by the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

The visa process has been more troublesome than I had hoped, but I’m here trying to adjust to a new time-zone, culture, language, and company.

Language:

It was a lonely start to life in Beijing. After I had said my goodbyes to my nearest and dearest in England I didn’t actually talk to another human being for about 48 hours. The driver, the hotel staff, the waiters and waitresses exclusively spoke Chinese, which I know isn’t strange as I’m in China.

I had planned on studying a little before I got here so that I would have the basics down, but I’m almost 3 weeks in now and I’m still a moronic tourist speaking in English and pointing at pictures. No one speaks English here. Luckily I have my Baidu translation app to get me through, but who knew the first thing I’d have to translate in China would be “I’ve blocked the toilet in my hotel room”. Most people use it to translate menus or for asking directions, I’m notifying the locals that my bowels are causing havoc to the Beijing city plumbing.

Public Toilets:

While we’re on the subject, the public toilets in Beijing are the worst I’ve encountered and I’ve been to India! My Beijing expert, Bernd, had warned me about the toilet situation, but nothing can prepare you for this encounter. The smell hits you making you recoil, closing your eyes and stopping your breathing. You assess that you need to get in and get out as soon as possible without touching anything.

There is no privacy in a Chinese public toilet, all squatters with a two-foot high divide between the holes and no door. Why would you need a door in such a circumstance? And there is always someone shitting. Always. It’s a city with a population of 23 million people, there are 1,440 minutes in a day, that means there are statistically 16,000 people going every minute – not taking into consideration peak times.

The locals seem so casual about it too. My days are planned around my movements, I don’t leave my apartment unless I’ve gone. There is no way I’m squatting in these hell holes making eye-contact with the fella next to me.

Pollution:

In the days prior to my departure all I saw in the news was how Beijing was experiencing the worst spell of pollution in recent years. Since my arrival it’s been nothing but blue skies! I haven’t seen a polluted China…yet. I’m sure when it does hit I’ll probably keel over.

Food:

Chinese food is meant to be amazing, right? Well, not the stuff I’ve been eating. I’m pretty clueless to be fair, just pointing at pictures and hoping for the best. Getting a Chinese take-away in England is a taste sensation, these local lads ought to get over to The Elephant on Bedford Road and taste some of their stuff. That’s real Chinese food.

Found a testicle in my soup. I didn’t eat it.

Even getting some simple supplies at the supermarket proved difficult. I had a basic shopping list; bread, butter, milk, and cereal. Easy enough. They had no cereal, I got margarine instead of butter, I got the bread, and this.

That looks like milk, it’s actually yoghurt. A litre-and-a-half of yoghurt. I don’t buy that much yoghurt throughout the year usually. Now I’m swigging yoghurt every time I pass the kitchen.

Chinese Hangovers:

Oh boy, they’re pretty rough. I’ve been in China for 19 days and 2 of them have been spent in bed recovering. I thought Tsingtao is meant to be pretty good. Well, I imagine the bottled exported stuff is the Chinese show beer, the local draught Tsingtao isn’t the same. I’m not sure what they’re adding to it, loads of chemicals and STIs probably, but it’s more than likely that if it remains cheap I’ll keep drinking it.

I haven’t tried any Chinese spirits yet and I hope I don’t. It’s not a promise I can make though and it will be a hangover that will probably be my death sentence.

Internet:

Using the internet takes some getting used to in China. A lot of content is blocked and many sites too. Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and Google to name a few. I didn’t realise how much I relied on Google. Emails, maps, internet browsing, translation, my calendar all powered by Google. You can get around it, but it’s a bit of a hassle. Most of the time I tend to use other search engines. I’m using Bing like some animal. It’s such a bad search engine. You enter your search and Bing says ‘here is one link with some of the information you’re looking for and here are another 50 links with absolutely no information related to your search’.

Sightseeing:

I haven’t done an awful lot to be honest, I’ve been on a training course for my new company, I’ve been apartment hunting, but most importantly it’s too bloody cold.

I’ve been over to Tiananmen Square and had a look at Chairman Mao’s preserved body. Mental, right? Mao actually requested to be cremated, but now he’s ended up as a tourist attraction. Don’t ever do that with my body. I’m not too bothered what you do with my corpse as I’ll be dead, burn it, bury it, take it down Bedford’s tidy tip, but just don’t make me into an exhibition.

I took a wander to Beijing’s Drum Tower (or Gulou), where in ancient times it was used to announce the time. I climbed the hundreds of stairs and stayed for one of the drumming performances and it was rather underwhelming. To be fair to the lads, if you dressed me up like a Morris dancer in the middle of winter and told me to perform every half hour in an open tower I probably wouldn’t be at my best. I walked across the way to the Bell Tower, but I couldn’t be bothered to climb all those stairs again to look at an old bell. If I wanted to look at an old bell I’ll just look at a picture of Harry Redknapp.

Culture:

I don’t know much about Chinese culture, but apparently you’re meant to greet the oldest person in the group first as a sign of respect, you’re not meant to place chopsticks upright in your bowl as this represents death, and never write in red ink.

One thing that definitely isn’t in their culture is queuing. That is something that is going to give me high blood pressure over the next 12 months. I was queuing in McDonald’s the other night getting something nutritious after a few jars of lager. I was waiting and a lady stepped in front of me and ordered. As I was lacking the language skills to tell her I was first, I just started speaking to myself in English while she looked at me. It kept me sane in that moment.

“Oh, I guess my McChicken nuggets are far less important that your McBullshit Chinese shrimp burger”.

And I can hear what you’re all saying.

“But Brendan, you’re in China, shouldn’t you adhere to their culture and customs?”

No. Queuing makes sense. We live in a society. This isn’t Armageddon, it’s McDonald’s. I’m ordering chicken at 4am not scavenging the last few bottles of drinking water before one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse decapitates me. We have enough water, we have enough chicken nuggets. Now, stand behind me in an orderly queue.

All told, my short time in Beijing has been fun an interesting. I’ve had the opportunity to meet some new friends and see a new city. I’ve been pleasantly surprised, Koreans like to say negative things about the Chinese so I was expecting the worst. In reality, people have been friendly, the skies are blue, and there’s less spitting than I was expecting.

It’s also made me realise how lucky I am. A few months ago, having just returned from a long holiday in southeast Asia I just decided to move to China, that's not an opportunity most people have. A lot of people are fleeing their war-torn homelands in overcrowded rubber boats that are likely to sink. I just did an online application and boarded an Emirates flight.

Anyway, things are going well. I’ve worked 3 days in the past month and now I’ve got 6 off for Chinese New Year.

新年快乐!