It was another Christmas away from home, but this year I
decided to spend it in the Philippines. Trading in the bitter cold and snow for
warm climates and white beaches. It was a good trade.
The Philippines consists of 7,107 islands. I managed to see
a few of them but mainly from the plane a few thousand feet up. Unfortunately
I’m not Michael Palin with the backing of the BBC and as I only had a week
there I opted to visit the island of Palawan and the capital, Manila. It was a
good thing that I was only there for a week, if I had stayed any longer people
would have started to think that I was the first ever recorded white pygmy.
A huge Christmas party ensued upon my arrival at my hostel.
Hog roast, cheap beer, a Bob Marley tribute band, and great company. It was a
great welcome. Drinking games followed and after one of the guys won a £2.50
bottle of rum he said “you can’t go to bed until you help me finish this bottle
of rum”. I couldn’t let the guy down.
Christmas Day followed, no hangover, so a few of us took
some mopeds up the coast to the beach. This was first real test on a moped with Nagtabon beach about 40km away. And allow me to quote the
website that I booked the moped with “you can trust booking with [name of motorbike
hire company] as our fleet is almost brand new and well maintained.” When I got
the bike it had 100,000 kilometres on the clock and the brakes didn’t work. It had been ridden more times than Katie Price. Add
to this that I only had an hour experience riding from the previous day, and
the general lack of road safety in the Philippines it was a case of being
thrown in the deep end. Riding in the
Philippines is an event, you’ve got to be wary of; people, roosters, goats,
cows, dogs, and the occasional market in the road, as well as the oncoming
traffic as overtaking is very common and no one waits for a safe opportunity.
They pull out when they want and toot their horn to signal that they are doing
so. It was on the way to the beach that I realised that I forgot to organise my
medical insurance before I departed Korea. (Sorry Mum, for obvious reasons I
didn’t mention any of this when I spoke to you!)
Made it safely to the beach and back. Frolicked in the sea,
and had a barbeque Christmas lunch.
On Boxing Day I left the town of Puerto Princesa and headed
north to the small town of El Nido. A little known paradise surrounded by
hundreds of islands. It was here that I did a boat tour and tried my hand at
snorkelling. The idea of snorkelling seems really fun, you get to discover an
underwater world of coral reefs, tropical fish, and sea turtles. But, in
reality, it’s a bloody nightmare. The coordination that is required is untold.
First, you have the unnatural sensation of breathing underwater (I never got
used to that), then trying to film the occasion with my camera, all while
staying afloat so that I don’t drown. I went back for a life jacket to
eliminate the chance of death, and it was a bit easier. The guides have the
cheek to tell you don’t touch the coral, but some of it is so shallow and the
depth perception of the water is deceiving, so before you know it you’re
dragging your legs across the sharp jagged coral, after which you then wince
and panic and breathe in the sea water. And you go through all this to see some
fish. It is much easier just to go to Pets At Home.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the shallow waters, on
the beach, and enjoying the incredible scenery. I know, I went to an amazing
place and all I’m doing is moaning about it.
My feeble attempt at snorkelling
can be seen in this video.
A couple of days later I flew from the island of Palawan to
the capital city of Manila where I spent my final day before I headed back to
Korea. I only booked one day here, and I’m glad I did. There’s not an awful lot
to see or do during the day in Manila, unless you like the look of a run-down
city and churches. Getting around the city is a nightmare too, the taxi drivers
are arseholes, and when you finally get in one you spend most of your journey in
traffic. On my return journey from Fort Santiago I opted to take the metro - that
was a mistake. You don’t know cramped train cars until you’ve been on the
Manila metro. Tighter than a duck’s arse.
As the metro was too cramped I got a Jeepney back to my
hotel. Jeepneys are American military vehicles left over from World War 2, now
they are a popular means of transportation. The only requirement to drive one
is that you must be mentally unstable. As the Philippines is a Catholic country
the drivers have Christian reminders around the cockpit. The one I was in had a
sign which read “Jesus will guide me”. Rumour has it that Jesus could perform
miracles, but I don’t trust him to guide a 70-year-old anti-Nazi bus indirectly
via a Filipino who probably traded his license for a few mangos and a couple of
bottles of San Miguel. If the bus crashes, as an atheist, it’s the end of the
road for me. Quite literally. I managed to walk away from another near death
experience.
The nights in Manila are certainly more entertaining than
the days. I happened to stumble across the dodgiest bars in the city and even
found one that hosted midget boxing (their use of the word, not mine), it
seemed like a sight not to be missed, and I was right. I walked into the bar to
see some slightly overweight, scantily dressed girls dancing awkwardly in a
miniature boxing ring. I ordered an overpriced beer and it was time for the
fight, also refereed by a dwarf. The fight lasted three minutes. Three minutes
during which I questioned, where am I? What is happening? Is this legal? It
concluded a very peculiar night.
If you like dodgy bars, and aggressive prostitutes then
Manila might be the city for you.
