I was on board my flight from Beijing to Hong Kong when I thought my ear drum was going to explode. Allow me to give you some context.
A few weeks prior to my flight I had noticed a significant drop in my audible ability. I had fluid in my ear canal and sought the advice of a doctor. They ran tests and put me on a course of anti-biotics, which ultimately did little.
My impaired hearing would have to wait as it was the end of the school semester and I was off to Southeast Asia for six weeks. I boarded my flight and as we ascened the pressure of the cabin started to play havock with my ear pressure. I tried yawning and moving my jaw up and down to ease the pressure, but I was moving my jaw so much I looked like I had a severe case of tourettes. Although, it would have been the perfect excuse to unleash a torrent of profanity. The pain was getting so intense that I thought my ear drum was going to burst like a boil on an arse.
There was little I could do, but I was lucky enough to sleep through some of the trauma. I did however have a dream, not a profound one like Martin Luther King Jr., but instead a very mundane one. In my slumber I dreamt that I was partaking in a pub quiz with the round focused on football trivia. In my dream I was becoming more and more agitated as I wasn’t able to hear the questions clearly. You don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to analyse my dream; I think about football too much and my ears are buggered.
As I wasn’t able to enjoy the quiz in my dream, so I will make up for it in this blog. There’ll be football trivia questions for you to enjoy with the answers at the end.
Question 1: Which nation won the gold medal in football at the 2012 Summer Olympics?
We landed in Hong Kong and once I disembarked the plane my ear pressure normalised. Unfortunately, I’d have to go through the trauma all over again on my connecting flight, and on 5 more flights over the next 6 weeks as I travel from the Philippines through Southern China, Thailand, and Laos.
When you picture the Philippies, what do you imagine? Pristine beaches? Palm trees? Well, we didn't get any of that. Donald Trump used a particular word to describe places such as Cebu City. It rained for the first 2 days, so we did what most Brits do when the weather is wet - drink. We were drinking in a shit seaside town where it was raining a lot, we might as well have holidayed in Morecambe.
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| Frank, a fellow Celtic and a bloody good bloke |
Despite the lack of sun, I was sunburnt, I had a dodgy stomach, I was half deaf, I was hungover, the weather was shit, we were staying in a dingy hostel, and the taxi driver from the airport to the hostel had ripped me off. But, you know me, even in the most trying of times I remain upbeat and never complain.
We finally got a break from the rain and scooted on down to Moalboal, a town famous for families of sardines, waterfalls, and beaches. We parked up at our hotel and the rain continued, we woke up in the morning and the rain continued some more. We did anything to pass the time and even went to get out hair cut. The fella who cut our hair had a huge wart on his face. I don't know how you can be in a room all day surrounded by mirrors and not notice it, when he does he'll be embarrassed. So far after 4 days, we'd been on this tropical paradise and all we'd achieved was some folical grooming. It's a long way to travel for a haircut.
Finally, the next day the sun came out. It was a bit windy, but after days of waiting we were like a couple of sun junkies looking for a hit from that sun pipe. We headed for the beach, placed our valuables inside our shoes so the thieves wouldn't be able to find them, and raced into the sea like a couple of excited school boys. We tried to relax, but the waves were too rough. We tried to frolic, but fighting the waves was too much exercise. As we looked to see how far the waves had taken us down the coast we noticed a dog urinating on our valuables. I shouted "piss on the coconuts, not my wallet!" but the mongrel didn't listen. I rinsed my t-shirt in the sea and rode my scooter back to the hotel exhausted, in a wet shirt that still had traces of dog piss on it. Another successful day.
Question 2: Which Spanish football team are nicknamed “The Turks”?
In the bar that evening we got talked into doing a canyoneering tour. It sounded adrenaline pumping and we decided we needed a bit of excitement after a slow start to the holiday. We were told to bring suitable shoes, but as we didn't have any they said we could rent some. I was expecting some aqua shoes, instead we received some knock-off Nike's with absolutely no grip. I've sent better quality trainers off to Africa before. And in consistent fashion of this trip, the already terrible souls came loose almost guaranteeing an ankle injury.
We started off the tour with some easy waterfall drops, but they increasingly got bigger. 5m, 8m, and 10m, that might not seem so high but it's a different story when you're at the top looking down. Every ounce of your being tells you not to jump but you do it anyway because the Filipino lads are calling you a ladyboy.
The final jump was 15m high and standing on a ledge only 20cm wide. The adrenaline kicks in, you give in to the peer pressure and jump. The decision to jump was made easier as there were a bunch of cute Korean girls in the pool below and I'd jump 15m into a snake pit if it meant getting close to some Korean girls.
After leaving Moalboal we scooted along to coast to Oslob, the home of the whale sharks. We had finally been blessed with some good weather and were making the most of each minute of it. We rose early the next morning for prime time whale shark diving. I'd already expressed my concerns to Frank about how I'm not too good with animals, but he said they're harmless and I'd be fine. I'd be the judge of that.
The boat pulled up and these huge 4-metre long sea monsters were below us. They've got long terrifying bodies like great whites, but gormless faces like Joey Essex. Their faces pop above the surface vacuuming up the fish guts the tour guides throw for them. I haven't seen gums on an animal like that since my mate, Jack Cassidy, told me to Google search 'granny gummers,' (do so at your own peril).
Despite their 'thick as shit' expressions, as soon as you enter the water with them my feeling of danger returned. I know they're harmless and won't attack humans, but whenever you hear the word 'shark' it signals danger. Whenever you see footage of sharks it's generally of man-eaters, so when you willingly get in the water, submerge yourself into their habitat and see a 4m long beast with fins and a tail I started to panic. I stayed close to the boat, but still they come at you from different angles. You turn around and are faced with two or three more. After a few minutes in the water, unjustly panicking, I realised that I'm not a marine biologist and got back on the boat. The thing is, if a stray dog comes near me on the beach I can just kick it up the arse and it'll leave me alone, but I don't even know where a whale shark's arse is, so it's best just to stay out of the water.
Frank was a champ and was at home in the water, but to be fair I've seen some of the women he's dated so being in the company of whales is natural for him.
All it did was convince me that I'm never going cage diving in South Africa with great whites. Let the Japanese clear out the oceans for all I care. And while I'm at it, I'm ruling out scuba diving. You've got to take a week long course to get qualified to look at brightly coloured fish and things that freak me out? No chance. If I want bright colours and bad trips I'll just take some acid. If there's anything worth seeing in the ocean and they need my opinion on it then I'll get in a submarine.
Question 3: Which player had the lowest minutes per goal in the 2018/19 Bundesliga season?
The weather was now on our side and we headed back to Cebu City. We returned the bikes and got the ferry over to Bohol, a neighbouring island. As dramatic as the first week was the following week was totally the opposite. We decided after being on the road for a week that a week of doing bugger all was in order.
Question 4: Who became the first Filipino player in the Premier League in August 2018?
I’d like to claim that the legs in this picturesque setting were mine, but they’re Frank’s. My legs are a combination of peeling skin from the previous sunburn, current sunburn and hair, which is why I haven’t been asked to do much modelling.
We spent six days beachside but decided to venture out one day. Our first stop was to see the smallest primates on the planet, after Danny DeVito. They are the size of your fist and are found in a limited number of islands in the Philippines. Their eyes are bigger than their brains, much like the small-minded Katie Hopkins. If they get too stressed they commit suicide by holding their breath, something we hope Katie Hopkins does.
We travelled the best part of an hour and a half to the sanctuary, paid the entrance fee and were told they are only active at night. We walked around while the guide pointed to tiny creatures slept hiding in the leaves. It hardly seemed worth it.
Question 5: Which is the oldest stadium that has been in continual use since 1855?
Next on the agenda, we scooted along to a bamboo bridge. Again, paid our entrance fee to essentially walk back and forth on a rickety old bridge. I shuffled along it while it creaked and swayed. Why do I do these things voluntarily? I got an ice cream as a reward for being brave, but then had to walk back along the unregulated bridge one-handed. Without doubt the least relaxing ice cream I’ve ever had.
The final attraction of the day were the relatively famous Chocolate Hills. Filipinos say the hills were formed when a heartbroken giant cried a lot of tears which led to the formation of these limestone hills, geologists say they were the result of erosion of limestones which were uplifted above sea level and fractured due to tectonic processes. I just don’t know which one to believe.
Quiz answers:
1. Mexico
2. Deportivo de La Coruña
3. Paco Alcácer
4. Neil Etheridge
5. Sheffield United's Bramall Lane
