Guilin & Yangshuo, Guangxi, China: The Beautiful South

After our adventures in Cebu, Frank and I flew to Hong Kong. Was I worried about the protests and the political unrest in HK? Well, a little but you should have seen the flight prices. Who doesn't love a bargain?

It was only a flying visit as we stayed for 2 days. It was on the second day that Frank and I separated as he was flying back to the UK for a wedding. I would be taking inspiration from the great Jason Derulo and would be riding solo for about 8 days. Frank's departure coincided with the arrival of a typhoon.

The Hong Kongese and the Chinese might have different stances on extradition and political ideologies, but one thing they do agree on is that it's better to stay home when it's raining.

From HK I travelled internationally into China (controversial), heading northwest to Guilin, Guangxi Province. Any serenity I had from relaxing on white beaches had all gone as I sat amongst the tumultuous Chinese passengers. The only thing that made the train journey bearable was the spectacular views of the southern Chinese countryside. In Guilin, I decided to stay in a hostel as it's much easier to meet others along the way.

I booked myself on a tour of Longji Rice Terraces. On the tour was a Chinese family (mother, father, and two sons), a Chinese couple, and a girl from Israel. The Israeli girl and I talked as we sped north. She was studying in Guangdong for a semester on an exchange program. We started to share stories about how life can be difficult in China and most of our negative experiences of living in the Middle Kingdom, safe in the knowledge that the Chinese passengers couldn't understand us. After about an hour the two 10-year-old boys turned around and started speaking with us in English. Had they heard our previous conversation? When we arrived at the rice paddies the parents of the children thanked us for practicing English with the young boys in a good standard of English.

The Israeli girl and I shared the cable car to the top of the rice fields with the Chinese couple because of our shame of insulting the Chinese. It turned out that they could speak English too! So while we were slagging off China at the back of the minivan, everyone could understand us! It materialised that the Chinese couple was actually from Hong Kong, so they were all for us ripping into China. 

I learned a valuable lesson that day. No matter how much cheaper the Chinese tour is, never do it. On the way back from the rice terraces I wanted to relax and make the time pass as quickly as possible. First, we had to stop off at a restaurant, then a minority village, and finally a minority village market. At the market you could buy ancient Peppa Pig wind chimes or ancient Nike baseball caps. 

One of the main reasons I'm not so keen on hostels is because of the bathroom situation. I talk about my bowel movements probably far too much for this blog, but if I need to go then I shouldn't have to worry about others minding that I'm doing my business. I think this may be one of my last hostel experiences, as I'd rather stay in a hotel and be lonely with the freedom to shit whenever I want. 

My hostel experience was over and I was heading south to Yangshuo. I'd seen pictures online of a sleepy Riverside town right in the midst of the beautiful scenery. But there is no such thing as a sleepy town in China. I looked up the population of Yangshuo and it has the same population as Cardiff. Regardless I decided to immerse myself and travel there by bamboo raft. 

I was a bit let down by the bamboo raft. I thought it was going to be a serene meander down the Lijiang River with some Chinese fella giving the raft a big old push with a stick. Instead, the raft had a noisy two-stroke engine, which spluttered out fumes, and the river was congested by about a hundred of these. I suppose it wouldn't be an authentic Chinese experience without noise, pollution, and overpopulation. 

Our raft driver was on a mission to get to the destination as quickly as possible. Full throttle and weaving in and out of the other rafts. That's it mate, no point hanging around this beautiful scenery. Might as well get there as fast as possible. It's not as if this is the whole reason we've travelled for thousands of miles to be here. 

The following day I awoke without a care in the world. No plan, by myself (😭), but I felt the essence of freedom. I enjoyed a coffee and some French toast (you've got to enjoy it while you can as it'll be impossible to source after October) and set about planning my day. I decided to rent a bike and enjoy the scenery. 

I hadn't been on a proper mountain bike in years and it made me feel like a kid again. I was speeding down hills, riding with no hands, and popping wheelies. The scenery got better around each corner and I was enjoying my leisurely cycle. A few kilometres in and it became hilly and difficult, the clouds parted and the sun started to beat down on me. I began sweating profusely. I stopped to replenish my fluids and as I resumed my journey the chain came off (I obviously don't realise the immense power of my calves). Not to worry I thought, I grew up in the 90s before PlayStations made western children obese. My hands were a bit greasy but I was soon on my way again.

About 10km into the journey and my arse was getting a bit achy. The saddle was tiny, one of those that's a poor excuse of a saddle. Why hasn't anyone put an armchair on a bike before? That would clearly be much better. Not only that, but the chain continued to jump off any time I decided to pedal with a bit of vigour.

About 20km in my knees began to hurt. Was this a window into the future? Is my body already depleted? If my body is suffering so much by 29, then I'll probably be bedridden by the age of 39.

In total I rode about 35km, I was drenched in sweat, my arse was crippled, my knees were in agony, and that bloody chain came off about 5 times resulting in me being caped in grease. Bicycles are bloody useless. They should be exclusively used by adolescents, men having a mid-life crisis, and the Dutch. 

(I had a sore arse and painful knees, there's an obvious joke there but I'll let you finish that one-off).

The following day I was back on two wheels, but I'd opted for a motorised version. Without wanting to sound like Jeremy Clarkson, it was clearly better. I had rented a scooter, I paid the daily fee, received the keys, and stood waiting for a helmet which never came. The woman seemed shocked when I asked for one, but was adamant that I didn't need one. 

"There are many things that we can point to that proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were cracking our heads. We looked at the situation. We chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head-cracking lifestyles.

The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly, it's not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it's in..."

Jerry Seinfeld

Feeling like Humpty Dumpty, I set off with my head exposed in optimal head cracking conditions, I headed up through the mountain roads. They twisted and turned around the mountains, through villages, and between gorges. It was so pleasant after I'd gotten over the fact that if I had crashed I'd have been a vegetable in a rice field. 

I made it to the top unscathed and was totally mesmerized by the view from the top. The pictures will never do it justice. Of all the places I've travelled to, I think this has to be the most beautiful.

Mum and Dad, if you're reading this and are wondering if I made it down OK, just bear in mind that I've Skyped you both since this story. For everyone else, I'll keep you all in suspense...I made it down without cracking my skull!

My time in Yangshuo was most enjoyable and relaxing. I then took a train to Shenzhen, which is the city on the Chinese border of Hong Kong. It always seemed like an interesting place to visit. It was formerly a small fishing village, which over the last few decades has expanded to China's hub of technological development. Once I'd arrived, I searched for things to do, but found very little. Having spent 2 days there, I'd suggest the best thing to do is leave and go somewhere more interesting. 

The best thing I did was visit the technology market. I've been to some similar markets before where people sell out-of-date, overpriced technology. However, the market in Shenzhen is like nothing I'd seen before. They had every imaginable part for every machine. There were shops selling the obvious computer accessories, Bluetooth whatnots, etc., but there were also shops dedicated to selling the obscure items. Button sellers, buttons for computers, for washing machines, for elevators. It had everything and if it didn't have what you wanted they could have made what you wanted from the component parts discarded in the back. I saw one man taking LCD screens out of boxes, rebranding them, and then repackaging them. It was dodgy as fuck, but then that's the essence of China and I loved it. 

Although living in China for two-and-a-half years, I haven't seen all that much of it, so it was pleasant to see the south for the first time. Having said that, I'm always happy to leave. Next up I'm off to Bangkok to see my good friend, Karl. The last two trips I've taken with Karl have been to Alicante, Spain, and Pyeongyang, North Korea. I feel if you were to merge those two places you'd end up in a dodgy Asian city full of Brits, which is essentially what Bangkok is. 

Cebu & Bohol, Philippines: Jumping in at the Deep End

I was on board my flight from Beijing to Hong Kong when I thought my ear drum was going to explode. Allow me to give you some context.

A few weeks prior to my flight I had noticed a significant drop in my audible ability. I had fluid in my ear canal and sought the advice of a doctor. They ran tests and put me on a course of anti-biotics, which ultimately did little.

My impaired hearing would have to wait as it was the end of the school semester and I was off to Southeast Asia for six weeks. I boarded my flight and as we ascened the pressure of the cabin started to play havock with my ear pressure. I tried yawning and moving my jaw up and down to ease the pressure, but I was moving my jaw so much I looked like I had a severe case of tourettes. Although, it would have been the perfect excuse to unleash a torrent of profanity. The pain was getting so intense that I thought my ear drum was going to burst like a boil on an arse. 

There was little I could do, but I was lucky enough to sleep through some of the trauma. I did however have a dream, not a profound one like Martin Luther King Jr., but instead a very mundane one. In my slumber I dreamt that I was partaking in a pub quiz with the round focused on football trivia. In my dream I was becoming more and more agitated as I wasn’t able to hear the questions clearly. You don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to analyse my dream; I think about football too much and my ears are buggered. 

As I wasn’t able to enjoy the quiz in my dream, so I will make up for it in this blog. There’ll be football trivia questions for you to enjoy with the answers at the end.

Question 1: Which nation won the gold medal in football at the 2012 Summer Olympics?

We landed in Hong Kong and once I disembarked the plane my ear pressure normalised. Unfortunately, I’d have to go through the trauma all over again on my connecting flight, and on 5 more flights over the next 6 weeks as I travel from the Philippines through Southern China, Thailand, and Laos.

Frank, a fellow Celtic and a bloody good bloke

When you picture the Philippies, what do you imagine? Pristine beaches? Palm trees? Well, we didn't get any of that. Donald Trump used a particular word to describe places such as Cebu City. It rained for the first 2 days, so we did what most Brits do when the weather is wet - drink. We were drinking in a shit seaside town where it was raining a lot, we might as well have holidayed in Morecambe. 

Despite the lack of sun, I was sunburnt, I had a dodgy stomach, I was half deaf, I was hungover, the weather was shit, we were staying in a dingy hostel, and the taxi driver from the airport to the hostel had ripped me off. But, you know me, even in the most trying of times I remain upbeat and never complain.

We finally got a break from the rain and scooted on down to Moalboal, a town famous for families of sardines, waterfalls, and beaches. We parked up at our hotel and the rain continued, we woke up in the morning and the rain continued some more. We did anything to pass the time and even went to get out hair cut. The fella who cut our hair had a huge wart on his face. I don't know how you can be in a room all day surrounded by mirrors and not notice it, when he does he'll be embarrassed. So far after 4 days, we'd been on this tropical paradise and all we'd achieved was some folical grooming. It's a long way to travel for a haircut.

Finally, the next day the sun came out. It was a bit windy, but after days of waiting we were like a couple of sun junkies looking for a hit from that sun pipe. We headed for the beach, placed our valuables inside our shoes so the thieves wouldn't be able to find them, and raced into the sea like a couple of excited school boys. We tried to relax, but the waves were too rough. We tried to frolic, but fighting the waves was too much exercise. As we looked to see how far the waves had taken us down the coast we noticed a dog urinating on our valuables. I shouted "piss on the coconuts, not my wallet!" but the mongrel didn't listen. I rinsed my t-shirt in the sea and rode my scooter back to the hotel exhausted, in a wet shirt that still had traces of dog piss on it. Another successful day.

Question 2: Which Spanish football team are nicknamed “The Turks”?

In the bar that evening we got talked into doing a canyoneering tour. It sounded adrenaline pumping and we decided we needed a bit of excitement after a slow start to the holiday. We were told to bring suitable shoes, but as we didn't have any they said we could rent some. I was expecting some aqua shoes, instead we received some knock-off Nike's with absolutely no grip. I've sent better quality trainers off to Africa before. And in consistent fashion of this trip, the already terrible souls came loose almost guaranteeing an ankle injury. 

We started off the tour with some easy waterfall drops, but they increasingly got bigger. 5m, 8m, and 10m, that might not seem so high but it's a different story when you're at the top looking down. Every ounce of your being tells you not to jump but you do it anyway because the Filipino lads are calling you a ladyboy. 

The final jump was 15m high and standing on a ledge only 20cm wide. The adrenaline kicks in, you give in to the peer pressure and jump. The decision to jump was made easier as there were a bunch of cute Korean girls in the pool below and I'd jump 15m into a snake pit if it meant getting close to some Korean girls.

After leaving Moalboal we scooted along to coast to Oslob, the home of the whale sharks. We had finally been blessed with some good weather and were making the most of each minute of it. We rose early the next morning for prime time whale shark diving. I'd already expressed my concerns to Frank about how I'm not too good with animals, but he said they're harmless and I'd be fine. I'd be the judge of that.

The boat pulled up and these huge 4-metre long sea monsters were below us. They've got long terrifying bodies like great whites, but gormless faces like Joey Essex. Their faces pop above the surface vacuuming up the fish guts the tour guides throw for them. I haven't seen gums on an animal like that since my mate, Jack Cassidy, told me to Google search 'granny gummers,' (do so at your own peril).

Despite their 'thick as shit' expressions, as soon as you enter the water with them my feeling of danger returned. I know they're harmless and won't attack humans, but whenever you hear the word 'shark' it signals danger. Whenever you see footage of sharks it's generally of man-eaters, so when you willingly get in the water, submerge yourself into their habitat and see a 4m long beast with fins and a tail I started to panic. I stayed close to the boat, but still they come at you from different angles. You turn around and are faced with two or three more. After a few minutes in the water, unjustly panicking, I realised that I'm not a marine biologist and got back on the boat. The thing is, if a stray dog comes near me on the beach I can just kick it up the arse and it'll leave me alone, but I don't even know where a whale shark's arse is, so it's best just to stay out of the water. 

Frank was a champ and was at home in the water, but to be fair I've seen some of the women he's dated so being in the company of whales is natural for him.

All it did was convince me that I'm never going cage diving in South Africa with great whites. Let the Japanese clear out the oceans for all I care. And while I'm at it, I'm ruling out scuba diving. You've got to take a week long course to get qualified to look at brightly coloured fish and things that freak me out? No chance. If I want bright colours and bad trips I'll just take some acid. If there's anything worth seeing in the ocean and they need my opinion on it then I'll get in a submarine. 

Question 3: Which player had the lowest minutes per goal in the 2018/19 Bundesliga season?

The weather was now on our side and we headed back to Cebu City. We returned the bikes and got the ferry over to Bohol, a neighbouring island. As dramatic as the first week was the following week was totally the opposite. We decided after being on the road for a week that a week of doing bugger all was in order.

Question 4: Who became the first Filipino player in the Premier League in August 2018?

I’d like to claim that the legs in this picturesque setting were mine, but they’re Frank’s. My legs are a combination of peeling skin from the previous sunburn, current sunburn and hair, which is why I haven’t been asked to do much modelling.  

We spent six days beachside but decided to venture out one day. Our first stop was to see the smallest primates on the planet, after Danny DeVito. They are the size of your fist and are found in a limited number of islands in the Philippines. Their eyes are bigger than their brains, much like the small-minded Katie Hopkins. If they get too stressed they commit suicide by holding their breath, something we hope Katie Hopkins does.

We travelled the best part of an hour and a half to the sanctuary, paid the entrance fee and were told they are only active at night. We walked around while the guide pointed to tiny creatures slept hiding in the leaves. It hardly seemed worth it. 

Question 5: Which is the oldest stadium that has been in continual use since 1855?

Next on the agenda, we scooted along to a bamboo bridge. Again, paid our entrance fee to essentially walk back and forth on a rickety old bridge. I shuffled along it while it creaked and swayed. Why do I do these things voluntarily? I got an ice cream as a reward for being brave, but then had to walk back along the unregulated bridge one-handed. Without doubt the least relaxing ice cream I’ve ever had.

The final attraction of the day were the relatively famous Chocolate Hills. Filipinos say the hills were formed when a heartbroken giant cried a lot of tears which led to the formation of these limestone hills, geologists say they were the result of erosion of limestones which were uplifted above sea level and fractured due to tectonic processes. I just don’t know which one to believe.

Quiz answers:

1. Mexico

2. Deportivo de La Coruña

3. Paco Alcácer

4. Neil Etheridge

5. Sheffield United's Bramall Lane

Alicante & Valencia, Spain: Suitcase and Car Troubles

To be honest, this is going to be a short one. It was my final stop on my Spring Festival holiday and I was joined by Karl, who had been on many adventures with me down the years.

We mainly chose these destinations as the cheapest flights we could get out of the UK at the time were to the south of Spain. With a quick check of the football fixtures, we were able to get to two football games over the weekend. With the exception of the fixtures, we left without much of a plan.

First stop was Alicante. The last time I had seen Karl was when we visited North Korea and I really didn't expect our next trip together to be to the seaside town full of British retirees.

The flight seemed no different than any other I had taken in my 29 years. I checked-in, handed over my checked luggage, made my way through security and immigration before boarding the plane. Karl and I weren't sitting near each other due to it being a short-haul cheap airline, so once on board, I put my earphones in and fell asleep. Once in the air, Karl tracked me down and asked if everything was alright with my case. I mean why wouldn't it be? The problem was that the airline had more cases than they had accounted for and were trying to track down the owners of the cases before departing. My name was announced on the tannoy and I was asked to identify my luggage, it's just that I missed all the drama as I was asleep. 

It turns out that as I hadn't claimed my luggage they had taken it off the aircraft. This was the second time in only a few weeks that my case hadn't arrived at my destination. I have never experienced such a balls up. How did they have extra cases? Why didn't they look up my seat number when looking for me? Why did they take my case off the plane when I'm sat on the bastard thing? 

Don't fly Ryanair.

In Alicante, we spent the day enjoying the sunshine. Karl's first idea was to head down the beach and dip our toes in the water. I wasn't too keen on this as I only had one pair of socks to my name and would have preferred not to have gotten them sandy, but life is for living, I suppose.

Afterwards, we headed up to the Castell de la Santa Bàrbara.

In the evening we made our way over to Elche to take in the first game of the weekend. Despite being a second division game there was still a good crowd of almost 10,000. The game finished 2-0 prevailing over the visitors, Extremadura UD. 

The following day we drove to Valencia. We parked up, dropped our bags off at the AirBnB, and sank beers as we made our way to the famous home stadium of Valencia CF, the Mestalla. 

It's a magnificent stadium which is so steep that it makes finding your seat fairly nerve-wracking.

In truth, the game wasn't the best. An eventless 0-0 draw, but a positive feeling can still be gained from the experience. 

We spent the rest of our time exploring the city and local bars.

When it was time to leave Valencia we encountered a problem. The trip was going far too well for Karl and I. Usually our trips are filled with mishaps which are often down to our own thoughtless behaviour. So far, we'd only had to contend with a missing case which arrived 24 hours late. Our latest problem was that the battery on the car was dead. We tried to call the SOS number for the rental company, but there was no answer. With a tight schedule and flights to catch there was little else we could do but bump start the car. Down the narrow back streets, Karl and I pushed the VW Golf. When we got it rolling Karl jumped in and I was left with the arduous task of getting up to an adequate speed. Karl lifted the clutch and we had power. Unfortunately, I didn't. That was the most exercise I'd done in about 2 months and was exhausted. 

And that was that. Austria, Macedonia, England and Spain all finished in a few weeks. I have a few days in Beijing to relax before starting work again, but those days will be filled with laundry, fighting jet-lag, and teacher training, so probably not all that relaxing.

Only 154 days until the summer holidays...

Macedonia: Official Name Currently Unclear

When discussing holiday plans with my colleagues I recieved a few bewildered faces. Most were speaking of blissful travel plans to Thailand or Vietnam, conjuring up images of lying on a beach sipping cocktails. When I explained that I was travelling to Macedonia most asked "why?" Well, I was off to visit Drew, one of my close friends from the promise land of Korea. We were legends of the famous Seoul Wanderers side that triumphed in the Seoul Sunday League second division in the Spring of 2016. 

Since those golden days Drew signed up for the Peace Corps volunteer program and was placed to teach in the most southern country of the former Yugoslavia. I can't say I ever had any ambitions of travelling there, but now I had a reason to.

I didn't really know what to expect as my only knowledge of the country was Goran Pandev and his unfortunate hairline. I knew more about what not to talk about than what to talk about. Don't mention the name dispute, the Greeks, the Albanians, Alexander the Great, among other things.

Drew met me at the airport and we spent the first few days in his village of Jablanica, which boasts a population of 200 people. I was introduced to his host family and Drew explained that I'd flown in from China to which the uncle pulled his eyes back mimicing 'slanted eyes'. The grandfather was nicknamed 'Mr. Sunshine' as he has a sunnier personality after a few home-brewed rakijas. The family were very welcoming, minus the racism.

Drew filled me in on life in the village. It snows a lot there, which often results in power cuts. Electricity is expensive, especially for famers who have an average monthly household income of about 250 euros. This means that they don't have hot water as it costs too much to heat. Electricity is half price on Sundays so that's when most do laundry and take showers. Yep, showers once a week. The family are self-sufficient, growing their own food and chopping their own wood to heat their homes. Drew's most prized posession is his wood burner, which puts my life into perspective. My prized posession is my phone which I use mainly to chat up girls on Tinder. 

When we were running low on wood we would collect some more from the wood storage room which also houses the family's chickens. You step through the shed and Drew casually says "just step around the pool of blood and get some logs for the fire." Excuse me, a pool of blood? That was where the family slaughtered a pig last week. When we returned, Drew stated "looks like we're having chicken tonight." I asked him how he knew and he pointed to a bloody tree stump and a axe where the grandfather had been standing. Pools of blood seem to be normal in Drew's life. I'm such a delicate city flower that I can't deal with this life. I need to have food delivered, 24-hour bars, and less inbreeding in my life. Even when I last visited my mum back in Bedfordshire she wanted to go for a walk through the field out the back of her house. We got about 5 minutes in when we came to the tall grass, I told my mum I was heading back because I didn't want to get my new Nike Air Max 90s dirty.  

The bloody stump with an axe in the background. The cats and dogs made the most of the remains.

Even using the toilet in Macedonia is hard work. I like to take my time when it comes to going to the bathroom. You shouldn't force nature, just sit back, relax, and let it happen. But that's not possible in Macedonia. It's -5 celcius, so you've got to put on your wooly hat and scarf just to take a shit. I sat on the coldest surface I've ever sat on and I could see my breath as I tried my best to speed things along. 

Drew is hardcore. He lives in the middle of nowhere in Macedonia voluntarily. It couldn't be further removed from my life in the capital of the most populated country in the world. He speaks Macedonian for goodness sake. He walks around the village talking to all the old ladies wearing babuskas, whereas I usually make a point of not talking to any women over the age of 30.

The mist and fog never cleared. There's meant to be a great mountainous view from the village, but I never saw it.

Mr. Sunshine's car. You won't be surprised that it's not road legal.

Life in the village was fascinating and eye-opening, but after 2 days there I was more than ready to leave. Next, we visited the tourist town of Ohrid.

Ohrid is a small lake-side town which is very popular in the summer, but during the winter it was much quieter. It was pleasant to walk around and the temperature was much warmer. I was taken to all the hot-spots, taking in the beautiful view, walking through the narrow alleys and looking at the old churches. Drew told me that beside the lake there are usually Russian women sunbathing topless. As nice as my visit was to Ohrid, given the choice of seeing boring old churches or bare-breasted Russians the answer is obvious.

We met up with Drew's friend, Wade. He's a 61-year-old fellow Peace Corp volunteer and an absolute treat. He's lived the bachelor lifestyle to the maximum. He told us stories from his youth over a fair few rakijas. I'd only known him a short time, but was eager to tell me about Wanda Clack, his first sexual conquest at college in the 1970s. That dirty old dog. 

We called our time short on Ohrid due to the lack of action. We then headed for the capital city, Skopje.

A little known fact is that Skopje is Europe's most polluted city. I was relieved as all the mountain fresh air was giving me the shakes. I breathed in that wonderful carbon monoxide and was ready to take on the city. One of the main sights in Skopje is to see the excessive number of statues in the city. The Macedonian government decided not to invest funds into their education system or to improve their medical system, but to spend a shed load of cash on statues. I was told that, allegedly, the politicians set up companies that manufactured the statues. That sounds completely legit and moral. 

The Alexander the Great Statue...it's pretty controversial

We met up with Drew's girlfriend, Emma, and her friends. We sampled a few of the nightlife spots around town. The girls were dancing away to Macedonia's answer to The Beatles, I can't say it got me moving. I'm not much of a dancer, but when the moment takes me I get it done. I'll just say that when the Macedonian music was on there was one more statue in Skopje.

Overall, my trip to Macedonia was great. The people were very welcoming, kind-hearted, and funny. Emma's mum overfed me and Drew's host family opened my eyes to a different way of life. Everyone told me that I should go back in the summertime, but maybe one week was just about enough for me.