The Italian Football Tour: Part 2 - Turin to Sassuolo

Note: It’s hard to write a piece retrospectively, especially as these events took place eight months ago. Little did I know that when I left China for England and Italy that I would be unable to return for three quarters of a year. I find myself now in a hotel room in Guangzhou, China serving my two-week quarantine reminiscing about a time when Coronavirus hadn’t gripped Italy (and the rest of the world) and caused major destruction to lives and economies globally. 

Thursday 16th January, 2020

Parma Calcio 1913 0-2 A.S. Roma

From Turin, I headed south 246km east to the small town of Parma.

I've been in Italy for about 3 days or so and I've really struggled with the language. Prior to my arrival, I had been listening to some basic Italian podcasts. The problem was that I'm shit at learning languages so forgot everything. The only word I remembered was "perfetto", which was no help at all as every language exchange I had was far from perfetto. I learned "uno rosso vino" and that was enough to get by.

Three days of sightseeing in Milan, Turin and Parma and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of this architecture. It's all a bit samey, which is lovely but how many pictures do I need to take of magnificent churches, cathedrals, and grand theatres? Those cobbled streets don't help either. Who are they for anyway? They are a pain for mothers with prams, cyclists and me, the disabled. Tarmac over the lot, I say.

It was time for the game and it was a big one, The Gervinho Derby. Parma Calcio 1913 were hosting AS Roma in the Coppa Italia. Unfortunately, Gervinho wasn't in the squad, which was disappointing as he was an icon at The Emirates, nor was Henrikh Mkhitaryan. That made 5 ex-Arsenal players that could have played in the 3 games I'd seen (Alexis Sanchez, Aaron Ramsey, Wojciech Szczęsny, Gervinho, and Henrikh Mkhitaryan) all of which could still probably get in the Arsenal starting XI (maybe not Gervinho, but we can stick him at left back as we haven't got a fully fit one at the moment).

Quiz Question 1: Chris Smalling currently represents AS Roma, but which other Englishman also played for Roma (who was most famous for a team photo while playing in the Italian capital)?

I'd sat in the home ends for the Inter and Juventus games and was trying to decide which team to support this evening. I did a little research online and discovered that Parma have changed their name 8 times in their history. That's even more name changes than Snoop Dogg. If they can't even decide on their name, how am I supposed to get behind them? I opted for Roma, went to the ticket counter and then remembered language was necessary. I went with "Roma uno," the ticket lady must have looked at me like a complete mong. 'Yeah, obviously we're playing Roma, which stand do you want a ticket for?' She said something in Italian, I bottled it and just said Curva Nord. I guess I would be supporting Parma that night.

Have you ever heard those loud bangs that occur during an Italian game on TV? I always wondered what they were and then I experienced one. BANG! Out of the fucking blue! Jesus have mercy on me! It was terrifying. It happened mere metres from me, I still don't know what caused it, but it certainly caused a mess in my pants.

Quiz Question 2: Which 3 players have Chelsea purchased from Parma?

Chris Smalling is living life here after being loaned out to AS Roma from Manchester United. He was absolutely ridiculed in England for his relatively poor performances. Yet in Italy, a country known for its defensive organisation, he is considered one of the better defenders in the league. In this particular game, he kept a clean sheet while his Man Utd bestie, Phil Jones, got absolutely rinsed time and again by Kevin de Bruyne. It's no wonder Italy is becoming a sanctuary for former Man Utd players.

Parma became everyone’s favourite Italian team in the 90s. A small team with almost no previous success took on Europe and won. They triumphed by winning three Coppa Italias and four European trophies. They had the likes of condom mogul Faustino Asprilla, the second best Baggio, a youthful Gianluigi Buffon, Ballon d’Or winner and modest-height-for-a-centre-back Fabio Cannavaro, Florida Man Hernan Crespo, political activist Lilian Thuram, and silky-midfielder-but-not-so-much-in-the-Premier-League Juan Sebastian Veron. After many controversies, insolvencies, bankruptcies, and the like, the club sits comfortably in mid-table, but far from any 90s styled resurgence. They lost to AS Roma 0-2.

I returned to my rental car to find a parking fine on the windscreen. I was rather irritated by this as I had paid (although not displayed.) I had used the local parking app (that was clearly signposted on that particular street) to pay my fee of €2.50 and thought nothing of it. When I called the company to complain and state that I’d used the app, they said that the app wasn’t available for that district (or some bullshit). They were happy to refund me the €2.50, but I would be responsible for paying the €40 fine. Cheers.

Quiz Question 3: Which footballer got a £406 parking fine after leaving his Porsche in a train station car park for months?

Saturday 18th January, 2020 

U.S. Sassuolo Calcio 2-1 Torino F.C.

That was the end of the Coppa Italia action and the weekend league games were up next. Not too far from Parma, in the town of Reggio Emilia, is U.S. Sassuolo Calcio who were hosting Torino. Sassuolo are a team with minimal history. They were playing in Serie C1 and B a little over 10 years ago. Torino on the other hand, boast incredible past success with their team of the 1940s known as the Grande Torino. They won 5 Serie A titles back-to-back and their squad formed the Azzuri (the Italian national side). Their success was cut short due to a plane crash which killed their entire squad after a game in Portugal. Torino have never been able to replicate the same kind of success and now trail behind giants and neighbours, Juventus. 

Quiz Question 4: Which player did Torino President Urbano Cairo say this about “We probably didn’t expect so many mistakes from an England international, but he did some good things, too.”?

I couldn't see much of the town as it pissed down with rain all day. The game wasn't until 6pm so I had a lot of time to kill. There's only so much coffee you can drink.

I made my way to the MAPEI Stadium. From the outside it's an absolute shithole, the inside isn't so bad. The stadium is actually built on a shopping centre. On my travels in Italy, I've only seen the quaint, historic towns, with beautiful people serving espresso and wine. That wasn't the case for the mall under the stadium. It was as like any British small-town shopping centre with Italian JD and Primark equivalents.

Quiz Question 5: Which tabloid obsessed footballer often shops at Primark?

The game included a peach of a goal, probably the best goal I’ve seen live. Jeremie Boga nutmegs a Torino player before curling it in the top corner. It’s just a shame that he used to play for Chelsea. And speaking of players who formerly played for clubs I despise, Iago Falqué and Vlad Chiricheș were on the benches but didn’t enter the field most probably because of their associations with Tottenham Hotspurs. 

Quiz Answers: 

1. Ashley Cole

2. Gianfranco Zola, Adrian Mutu, Mario Stanic

3. Jermaine Pennant

4. Joe Hart

5. Raheem Sterling

The Italian Football Tour: Part 1 - Milan to Turin

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Well, for me it's be South America for a football tour, but Jesus, that's far away. Luckily Ryanair do cheap flights to Italy, so it's a decent alternative. I looked at the fixtures and realised, with the midweek cup fixtures, I could take in 6 games in just over a week. Which single manchild who loves football wouldn't do that?

(As this is a football themed edition, I'll be including quiz questions.)

Quiz Question 1: Which teams made it to the final of the 2019 Coppa Italia?

Tuesday 14th January, 2020

Football Club Internazionale Milan 4-1 Cagliari Calcio

Things didn't go according to plan from the start. I had ordered a car and had planned to be driving around the northern Italian countryside in a Fiat 500, looking and feeling as suave as Andrea Pirlo. Instead, I got a Kia which made me feel out of place like Ashley Cole in a Roma team photo.

I arrived in Milan late, so all I wanted was dinner and bed. I had pictured a pasta dish and a glass of red, but the only restaurant I could find within hobbling distance from my hostel was a Peruvian restaurant. This wasn't the Italian adventure I had in mind.

Luckily, I was in for the worst night sleep I've ever had. In the hostel, I shared a room with 2 snorers, another who listened to music through headphones loud enough for me to sing along with, and an Italian who talked/shouted in his sleep. From 11pm until 2am I laid in bed as the loud snores filled the room, I tapped my foot along to the lyrics of Fatman Scoop and the fella above me would shout "Polizia! Polizia!" followed by more Italian that I couldn't recognise. I attempted to block out the noise by putting in my earphones, which worked somewhat but not effectively. I just couldn't sleep with them in. It was uncomfortable, just like putting in a buttplug and expecting to get a solid 8 hours in.

At 3:30am an alarm went off and the music man arose to pack his case and head off to the airport. For some reason he decided not to pack his case before he went to bed just to ensure more late night disruption.

Quiz Question 2: Romelu Lukaku has scored 14 goals in his first 18 games for Inter Milan. Who previously held the record for Inter with 13 in 18?

Milan is the fashion capital of Italy. It's the hub for all the luxury brands. If you're into shopping, you're in the right place. However, I was there for football and hardly fit in wearing in my Beijing Celtics hoody and wooly hat.

I first visited the Duomo Di Milano and the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. Two of Milan's hot spots which took about 8 minutes to walk around. My leg is still on the mend so I was cautious about overdoing the sightseeing. A visit to San Maurizio al Monastero Maggiore would have suited someone with Christian virtues, but not so much for me. The paintings of torture were quite impressive though. I managed to kill the rest of the afternoon as I waited for the main event.

I made my way to the San Siro with plenty of time to spare. I was desperate for the toilet so went into the first bar/restaurant I can across which happened to be a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a pizza in a Chinese restaurant (so you know it was good) and I ordered in Chinese. It demonstrates how little Italian I speak if I opted to speak Chinese.

The Giuseppe Meazza was beautiful at night. When I walked to the stadium there was a mist in the air which made the arrival all the more romantic.

Quiz Question 3: The San Siro is home to A.C. Milan and Inter Milan. Which other club has used the stadium for their home European fixtures in 2019-20?

So many great games have occurred here, Arsenal's 1-5 win in 2003 against Inter comes to mind when Thierry Henry scored a hat-trick. Arsenal's 0-2 win against Milan in 2008 where Cesc Fabregas scored a 40-yard screamer comes into the reckoning. Another one was in 2018 in the Europa League round of 16 when Arsenal drew Milan. Massimiliano Mirabelli, Milan's sporting director said "I’m sorry for Arsenal, who I'm sure would have liked to have continued in Europe." Arsenal won 5-1 on aggregate.

It's truly a shame that they will be knocking the stadium down to rebuild a new modern stadium. I love the older 'run-down' stadiums so much more than the new modern ones. Maybe it's because I'm an Arsenal fan that I link their old ground, Highbury, with better days. Highbury was the first stadium I visited, Ian Wright scored a hat-trick at my first game, and to me it was a beautiful place. The Emirates is beautiful in a different way, but it still hasn't become a home because it hasn't amassed enough history yet. Sure, there have been a few. The great win over Barcelona in 2011, or Henry's goal against Leeds 2012, or the numerous thrashings of Spurs, but it's still not the same.

Maybe other supporters like the moves to modern stadiums, but I'm not one of them.

Inter won 4-1 with Romelu Lukaku scoring after 21 seconds. The game was over by that point. The real drama started when I tried to get back to the hostel. Despite their website stating otherwise, the Metro was closed by the end of the game. I didn't have any cash on me as no ATMs allowed me to withdraw any cash from my Chinese bank card. As I stood assessing my options a tram pulled up alongside the metro station. I jumped on it ready to play the old foreigner card "sorry, no Italiano." I blended into the crowd like Jason Bourne ready to obliterate anyone who came near me.

Wednesday 15th January, 2020

Juventus F.C. 4-0 Udinese Calcio

After a meander around Turin in the afternoon, I made it to The Juventus Stadium as the sun was setting. The mountains in the background and the pink sky made a great backdrop for an evening kick-off.

Quiz Question 4: Only 3 Englishmen have made first-team appearances for Juventus. William Jordan (1948-49), Stephy Mavididi (2018-19) and which other player?

The stadium itself was a major disappointment. The stadium only has a capacity of 40,000 or so (which for Juventus is incredibly small) and cost a mere €155m to build...and you can tell. It's not as if they can't afford it, they are one of the richest teams in the world in terms of revenue and are backed by the Agnelli family who also own FIAT. They spent €117m on a 33-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo for goodness sake!

The teams were released for the Coppa Italia game against Udinese. Ronaldo wasn't playing, but more annoyingly neither were Aaron Ramsey nor Wojciech Szczęsny! I was expecting a hat-trick from Rambo and a hat-trick of assists from Szczęsny. Was I not annoyed that Ronaldo wasn't playing? Not really, I've already seen him play. It was in 2005 when Manchester United played Peterborough United at London Road in Barry Fry's Testimonial, so not bothered.

I did get to see a true legend play that evening, Gianluigi Buffon. An actual legend of the game, not a legend like Nicklas Bendtner is a legend. His statistics and honours list speak for themselves and is in a calibre of players alongside Gordon Banks, Dino Zoff and Neville Southall. Buffon didn't actually make a save throughout the game, but the way he patrolled his area was sublime.

Quiz Question 5: Gianluigi Buffon has made over 1,000 professional appearances. Which 4 goalkeepers have made more than Gigi? (Hint: two Englishmen, one Brazilian, one Spaniard)

Juventus dominated the game from start to finish winning 4-0, they hit the woodwork twice and had a goal ruled out through VAR (the game's gone). I was stood in the Curva Sud with the Juve Ultras and they were in a jubilant mood. Here's a little fact for you, the Juventus fans love a bit of weed. And by a bit, I mean shitloads. The lads were blazing through the stuff quicker than the bush fires in Australia. After 90 minutes I felt higher than Ross Kemp.

Two games in and 9 goals. Who said Italian football is boring?









Answers:
1. Atalanta vs Lazio (Lazio won 2-0)
2. Christian Vieri
3. Atalanta
4. David Platt
5. Peter Shilton, Rogerio Ceni, Iker Casillas, and Ray Clemence

Pingyao, China: Tomb Sweeping Day

The Tomb Sweeping Day holiday presented me with a 3-day break and as I didn't have any tombs to sweep I thought I'd get out of Beijing and head to the ancient city of Pingyao with Eunju.

A few days prior to our departure, I was experiencing the symptoms of a cold without being bedridden. I couldn't really work it out until the day before the trip when I woke up at 4am with tremendous pain in my ear. Eunju wasn't staying over that night so I surmised I had an ear infection. 

The train journey to Pingyao didn't make things any better. The train headed west through the mountains. A combination of the air pressure and going through numerous tunnels affected my hearing to the point that I couldn't hear in my left ear. I had the window seat so I could still hear Eunju nattering away to my right. I should have asked her to swap seats as it would have made it much easier to get some sleep while she talked into my deaf ear.

I arrived in Pingyao half deaf with a less than functional nose. I felt like Ozzy Osbourne, the major difference being that he lost his senses from performing ear-splitting heavy metal and snorting God knows what, whereas I probably picked mine up from not washing my hands well enough. Although, Ozzy has to live with Sharon, so if I were him I'd rather be deaf. And blind. 

The first stop was to a pharmacy. I know what you're thinking, "Brendan is an international playboy, he is obviously picking up some prophylactics for his saucy break with his lady friend." That wasn't quite the case. I had to ask Eunju to translate "do you have anything for an ear infection? I think it's started pussing" to the pharmacist. I'm sure I've never appeared so sexy. 

We checked into our hotel that Eunju had booked. It was a traditional Chinese home. It looked really nice, but it came with compromises, the main one being the bed - it was made of bricks. I don't just mean the base, I mean all of it. And the mattress isn't of much use, I've seen pizza bases thicker. We requested extra duvets to give us some comfort, but this didn't help. 

Pingyao is famous for being one of the first banking cities in northern China, for its baijiu (local alcohol), and vinegar. I'd never travelled for vinegar before. 

Vinegar is usually one of those things that are left in the cupboard when there is nothing left, just before your mum does the big shop. We decided to give it a go with some pan-fried dumplings and I can confirm that it does, in fact, taste like vinegar. But it didn't end there, there are shops dedicated to the primary sale of vinegar. They gave us a tour and then gave us some samples to taste. We had a couple of shots of vinegar and left with breath strong enough to ward off the plague. 

We next day we explored Mian Mountain. Located about an hour from the city, it gave us an escape from all that culture. We arrived at the mountain to find a TV set. The cameras were filming two presenters while in the background some performers performed. I know I'm a pretty big deal, but this was a little much for my arrival. In actuality, they were filming some celebrations for the following day's festivities. Right on cue, a helicopter arrived and swarms of people ran over with their camera phones hoping to get a glimpse of a celebrity. I looked over the crowd and tried to work out who it was, then I realised that the chances of Tom Hanks or Angelina Jolie showing up at the base of a mountain in rural China were pretty slim and that it was more likely that it would be a Chinese equivalent of one of those actors with learning difficulties from The Only Way is Essex. 

We ascended the mountain only to realise how cold it was. Days before in Beijing temperatures had reached 30°C in March, so in my duffle bag were shorts, t-shirts and sun cream. Yet, on the mountain is was 4°C and I was rueing my poor packing. To passersby on the mountain they must have thought I had been pumping iron at the gym, when in fact, I was wearing all the clothes I had packed. I was layered up with 4 t-shirts and 2 thin hoodies. It was just about enough as the temperature dropped to 0°C as we climbed higher. 

The views were incredibly remarkable yet bizarre. Mian Mountain had emerged disturbing little of the area surrounding it. Beyond the mountain, there was flat farmland as far as the eye could see without even a hill or a mound of dirt.

Temples are dotted around the mountainside and because of the mist and cold temperatures, Eunju and I were enjoying the freedom of the mountain. One of which is built into a mountain cave. 

After a few hours exploring, we descended and went back to Pingyao in search of a warm dwelling. 

In the evening as we went back to our comfortable brick bed it started snowing. It finished off the trip and we headed back to Beijing the following morning which had experienced a blizzard in our absence. Perfect timing. 

Despite the ear infection, freezing mountain temperature, snow, and leaving with a broken back after 2 nights on bricks, it had been a good trip.