The Italian Football Tour: Part 2 - Turin to Sassuolo

Note: It’s hard to write a piece retrospectively, especially as these events took place eight months ago. Little did I know that when I left China for England and Italy that I would be unable to return for three quarters of a year. I find myself now in a hotel room in Guangzhou, China serving my two-week quarantine reminiscing about a time when Coronavirus hadn’t gripped Italy (and the rest of the world) and caused major destruction to lives and economies globally. 

Thursday 16th January, 2020

Parma Calcio 1913 0-2 A.S. Roma

From Turin, I headed south 246km east to the small town of Parma.

I've been in Italy for about 3 days or so and I've really struggled with the language. Prior to my arrival, I had been listening to some basic Italian podcasts. The problem was that I'm shit at learning languages so forgot everything. The only word I remembered was "perfetto", which was no help at all as every language exchange I had was far from perfetto. I learned "uno rosso vino" and that was enough to get by.

Three days of sightseeing in Milan, Turin and Parma and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of this architecture. It's all a bit samey, which is lovely but how many pictures do I need to take of magnificent churches, cathedrals, and grand theatres? Those cobbled streets don't help either. Who are they for anyway? They are a pain for mothers with prams, cyclists and me, the disabled. Tarmac over the lot, I say.

It was time for the game and it was a big one, The Gervinho Derby. Parma Calcio 1913 were hosting AS Roma in the Coppa Italia. Unfortunately, Gervinho wasn't in the squad, which was disappointing as he was an icon at The Emirates, nor was Henrikh Mkhitaryan. That made 5 ex-Arsenal players that could have played in the 3 games I'd seen (Alexis Sanchez, Aaron Ramsey, Wojciech Szczęsny, Gervinho, and Henrikh Mkhitaryan) all of which could still probably get in the Arsenal starting XI (maybe not Gervinho, but we can stick him at left back as we haven't got a fully fit one at the moment).

Quiz Question 1: Chris Smalling currently represents AS Roma, but which other Englishman also played for Roma (who was most famous for a team photo while playing in the Italian capital)?

I'd sat in the home ends for the Inter and Juventus games and was trying to decide which team to support this evening. I did a little research online and discovered that Parma have changed their name 8 times in their history. That's even more name changes than Snoop Dogg. If they can't even decide on their name, how am I supposed to get behind them? I opted for Roma, went to the ticket counter and then remembered language was necessary. I went with "Roma uno," the ticket lady must have looked at me like a complete mong. 'Yeah, obviously we're playing Roma, which stand do you want a ticket for?' She said something in Italian, I bottled it and just said Curva Nord. I guess I would be supporting Parma that night.

Have you ever heard those loud bangs that occur during an Italian game on TV? I always wondered what they were and then I experienced one. BANG! Out of the fucking blue! Jesus have mercy on me! It was terrifying. It happened mere metres from me, I still don't know what caused it, but it certainly caused a mess in my pants.

Quiz Question 2: Which 3 players have Chelsea purchased from Parma?

Chris Smalling is living life here after being loaned out to AS Roma from Manchester United. He was absolutely ridiculed in England for his relatively poor performances. Yet in Italy, a country known for its defensive organisation, he is considered one of the better defenders in the league. In this particular game, he kept a clean sheet while his Man Utd bestie, Phil Jones, got absolutely rinsed time and again by Kevin de Bruyne. It's no wonder Italy is becoming a sanctuary for former Man Utd players.

Parma became everyone’s favourite Italian team in the 90s. A small team with almost no previous success took on Europe and won. They triumphed by winning three Coppa Italias and four European trophies. They had the likes of condom mogul Faustino Asprilla, the second best Baggio, a youthful Gianluigi Buffon, Ballon d’Or winner and modest-height-for-a-centre-back Fabio Cannavaro, Florida Man Hernan Crespo, political activist Lilian Thuram, and silky-midfielder-but-not-so-much-in-the-Premier-League Juan Sebastian Veron. After many controversies, insolvencies, bankruptcies, and the like, the club sits comfortably in mid-table, but far from any 90s styled resurgence. They lost to AS Roma 0-2.

I returned to my rental car to find a parking fine on the windscreen. I was rather irritated by this as I had paid (although not displayed.) I had used the local parking app (that was clearly signposted on that particular street) to pay my fee of €2.50 and thought nothing of it. When I called the company to complain and state that I’d used the app, they said that the app wasn’t available for that district (or some bullshit). They were happy to refund me the €2.50, but I would be responsible for paying the €40 fine. Cheers.

Quiz Question 3: Which footballer got a £406 parking fine after leaving his Porsche in a train station car park for months?

Saturday 18th January, 2020 

U.S. Sassuolo Calcio 2-1 Torino F.C.

That was the end of the Coppa Italia action and the weekend league games were up next. Not too far from Parma, in the town of Reggio Emilia, is U.S. Sassuolo Calcio who were hosting Torino. Sassuolo are a team with minimal history. They were playing in Serie C1 and B a little over 10 years ago. Torino on the other hand, boast incredible past success with their team of the 1940s known as the Grande Torino. They won 5 Serie A titles back-to-back and their squad formed the Azzuri (the Italian national side). Their success was cut short due to a plane crash which killed their entire squad after a game in Portugal. Torino have never been able to replicate the same kind of success and now trail behind giants and neighbours, Juventus. 

Quiz Question 4: Which player did Torino President Urbano Cairo say this about “We probably didn’t expect so many mistakes from an England international, but he did some good things, too.”?

I couldn't see much of the town as it pissed down with rain all day. The game wasn't until 6pm so I had a lot of time to kill. There's only so much coffee you can drink.

I made my way to the MAPEI Stadium. From the outside it's an absolute shithole, the inside isn't so bad. The stadium is actually built on a shopping centre. On my travels in Italy, I've only seen the quaint, historic towns, with beautiful people serving espresso and wine. That wasn't the case for the mall under the stadium. It was as like any British small-town shopping centre with Italian JD and Primark equivalents.

Quiz Question 5: Which tabloid obsessed footballer often shops at Primark?

The game included a peach of a goal, probably the best goal I’ve seen live. Jeremie Boga nutmegs a Torino player before curling it in the top corner. It’s just a shame that he used to play for Chelsea. And speaking of players who formerly played for clubs I despise, Iago Falqué and Vlad Chiricheș were on the benches but didn’t enter the field most probably because of their associations with Tottenham Hotspurs. 

Quiz Answers: 

1. Ashley Cole

2. Gianfranco Zola, Adrian Mutu, Mario Stanic

3. Jermaine Pennant

4. Joe Hart

5. Raheem Sterling

Astana, Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

The country of Kazakhstan is located between Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, and assholes Uzbekistan. Why was I here? Well, I was on my way to my sister's wedding in Bedford from Beijing and decided to stop off in Astana for a few days. I had a jar of gipsy tears around my neck to protect me on my 2-day adventure of the nation's 20-year-old capital.

Although Kazakhstan is a glorious country, it has problems, too: economic, social, and Jew.

The city has only existed for 20 years since President Nursultan Nazarbayev decided to relocate the capital from Almaty to Akmola. I was 8 years old, fresh-faced, holidaying at Disneyland Paris, and coming to terms with starting Year 4. Since then Akmola has become Astana and I have become a stunner. 

I can't help but feel they were putting words in my mouth. I don't even know what an Anatsa is.

The reason why Nazarbayev moved the capital to Almaty was to reduce the possibility of separatism from the northern regions of Kazakhstan. Sure, the reason was logical, but beyond Astana there is merely grasslands and a former concentration camp, a really difficult sell for the travel brochure writers.

Straight off the plane I realised I hadn't packed accordingly. It was cold and I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Prior to my arrival I was advised that a taxi from the airport to the city should cost no more than 1500 tenge. The driver tried to charge me 3000 so we settled on 1700, but as we arrived he demanded 2700. I tried to argue but I don't think I was ever going to win an argument with an angry Kazakh/Russian. I threw the additional 1000 tenge at him and told him to "fuck off". I think that was the shortest time from arriving in a country to telling one of the locals to fuck off, a mere 25 minutes or so.  

After he sped off I worked out how much I'd been taken for a ride for. £2.28. That was it. I felt a little sheepish for how I'd reacted, but still, the bastard cheated me! 

It was my first time to use an AirBnB and while the location and the price were very good the convenience suffered. I arrived in the city at 7am and it was chilly, the locals were dressed up in winter gear like it was January 28th rather than May 28th. My data wasn't roaming for some reason so I went for a walk to find a cafe to get WiFi. I didn't have much luck. I considered taking refuge in an ATM vestibule, but decided to continue my search. My quest resulted in defeat, so I took a rest in a children's play area. 

Not how I had imagined spending the first few hours in Astana, chilling with a suitcase in the cold while on-looking parents thought I was a young Gary Glitter with a suitcase full of sweets and puppies. I found an Italian bistro that opened at 9am and ordered The Kazakh Breakfast, just the establishment that you'd expect authentic local cuisine. 

I finally got hold of the AirBnB host and met her at 10am. She showed me to the room. It wasn't quite what I was expecting, I thought AirBnB hosts offered their spare bedrooms for guests, but not this girl, she rented out her bedroom. I curiously looked in the wardrobe to find it full, her trinkets were all around and then I hit the jackpot - the underwear drawer. I felt a bit awkward staying there, but don't get me wrong, I had a fantastic wank after going through her unmentionables. 

Out in the city I took in most of the sights. It is a bizarre place where even in the city centre there are no people around. The atmosphere is surreal. A mere 25 years ago there was nothing here but grassland and now it's a big metropolis. The Kazakhs threw their oil money at the city and this is the result. It's very...gold. 

I took a wander to The Presidential Palace. Then over to The Palace of Peace and Reconciliation. Here they practice equality of religions and I'm totally on board with this in that they're all equally ridiculous. 

That's the president's gaff

I got a taxi over to The Museum of the First President of the Republic of Kazakhstan where they pay homage to Nursultan Nazarbayev. The exhibits were 95% in Russian and Kazakh, which wasn't surprising, but made the visit totally pointless for me. There aren't many people who build museums in their own honour while they are still alive. It's a short list consisting of Joseph Stalin, The Kims of North Korea and John Terry and none of those who ego-maniacs make you wear shoe protectors to visit their halls of greatness. Just imagine being the most narcissistic among those people. 

The following day I took a trip west to Kalzhir, a former Soviet labour camp which imprisoned family members of traitors to the motherland. Women were sent from all over the Soviet Union to the baron lands of the Kazakh steppe. These days the camp is surrounded by a township and the capital city is a mere 35km away, but at the time there was nothing but flat grassland. On the day I attended it was late May, but cold and extremely windy. I can only imagine what it must have been like to arrive in the middle of winter only to have dry reeds to sleep on to keep you warm at night. The minimum sentence at the gulag was 5 years for being guilty by association. 

My AirBnB host came home on my final night accompanied by her boyfriend. In broken English he said "My girlfriend. Don't touch". Which was a bit strange, I'm sure it was meant in jest, but Kazakhs aren't particularly known for their comedic delivery. If he had said "My girlfriend. You can touch...NOT!" Then there would have been no confusion that he was joking. 

I thought she had popped over to pick up a few things but she was actually staying the night which confused me as I was staying in her room. Was she going to join me? I thought I should invite her to share the bed, I am a gentleman after all. When I approached her she was clearing a space in the kitchen to settle in for the night. I was dejected. A hard, cold wooden kitchen floor is more appealing than sharing a bed with me. I returned to her bedroom and consoled myself with one final dip into her underwear drawer. 

My time in Kazakhstan was over and I headed for the airport, although I was slightly hesitant flying just in case the Jews repeated their attack of 9/11.

My final purchase in Kazakhstan was a beer and some fermented camels' milk. I'm not sure why, but it was an impulse buy. The beer went down a treat as I waited in the departure lounge and the milk was saved for an in-flight taste. 

We were 30 minutes in the air when I decided to treat myself. I learned something that day, that fermented camels’ milk will explode when opened. It went everywhere. On my jeans, on my chair and all I had was a solitary tissue to clean it up with. I tried to use my pillow as a substitute, but that didn't work. I took a crotch shot which looked like I'd had a romance explosion over Pamela Anderson. 

I don't know if you've ever smelled fermented camels' milk, but it smells worse than you're imagining. After that ordeal I didn't fancy tasting it either. Probably the worst £1.50 I've ever spent and I had six and a half hours left of my journey to sit with a moist crotch. 

Two days in Astana is more than enough. It's a bizarre place that was quite interesting to see and was worth the trip as I was passing though, but I wouldn't recommend anyone make a trip here with the sole purpose of seeing Astana. It’s a city in the middle of nowhere, which is most noticeable when you fly in and out. Beyond the city, you can see the vast Kazakh steppe which from the south extends 193km before you hit the nearest city. At 5ft7 big steppes scare me quite considerably.

I may return to the south of Kazakhstan to see the historical part of the country one day. I’d like to explore more of central Asia and the surrounding countries, despite them having inferior potassium. 

But for now, I've got a wedding to attend. Catch you on the next one.