Cambodia came and went so quickly. It was quite the ordeal,
but Wes and I had such a good time there. We took a minibus from Siem Reap to
Koh Chang, a small quiet island just off the coast of the mainland near to the
Cambodian border. Wes was recommended to visit this destination with a promise
of it being ‘super chill’ and the ultimate place for island living. I’m not so
sure about island living as it was more like Ireland living. It rained for 2
whole days.
Our plans of relaxing on the beach were scuppered and we spent
two days in a bar playing pool and cards with the most boring German lads I’ve ever met. Wes and I tried to make
the most of this negative situation, we found an empty beach bar and smashed it
at karaoke. The Germans sat and smoked shisha. Germans are hardly known for
their fun personalities, stereotypes exist for a reason.
In typical fashion the day we left there was glorious
weather. This was the view from the boat.
From Koh Chang we went to visit my friend, Gav, in Pattaya.
When we told other travellers that we were going to Pattaya we were met with
the same reaction. We were told many times that it’s the worst place in
Thailand…and they were right.
It all started well, Gav put us up in his swanky apartment,
which was quite the step-up from our previous hostel which didn’t even have a
lock on the door and had monkeys running around on the balcony. We headed for
the go-go bar ridden Walking Street and I’ve never seen anything like it. Every
bar is filled with dozens of “fun time” girls. It’s the seediest place on earth. If Pattaya
was a person it’d be Donald Trump.
The tourists were all male, 50+, and desperate. Wes, Gav and
I stuck out like a sore thumb. We were probably the youngest men to ever step
foot in Pattaya. The girls are very friendly, for obvious reasons, but I felt they
preferred talking with us as there was only a 3 or 4 year age difference as
opposed to a 30 or 40 year difference to the usual tourists.
As the night went on the abnormal just became normal. We
were in a bar shooting pool with some prostitutes and they brought a few snacks round. One girl started feeding me fish fingers (no puns please, I know
you’re all better than that). It was a strange night, but only when you take a
step back and look at that situation you realise how bizarre the night had
become.
Gav was a great host and it was great catching up with him,
but one night in Pattaya is enough for me. From here we flew south to the
islands.
Our first stop was in Koh Pha Ngan, an island notoriously
known as a party island. We spent the day scooting around checking out the
beaches, but we were pretty much killing time until the half-moon party that
evening.
I’m not sure what came over Wes and I that evening, but we
took it upon ourselves to organise all the drinking games for the entire
hostel. The hostel staff were more than happy to let us do this as it allowed
them to enjoy their evening. As a reward they ploughed us with a lot of free
alcohol. Free beers, buckets, shots. The only problem with doing this is that
Wes and I will drink all of it. I didn’t make it out for the half-moon party
and Wes made it out for 10 minutes before getting a taxi home. Everyone else
said it was good, but I can’t actually comment on the famous beach parties in
Thailand.
From Koh Pha Ngan we got the boat over to the next island of
Koh Tao. We did a spot of snorkelling which always sounds more fun than it actually
is. You expend an awful lot of energy to see a few fish and rocks. It’s
basically a day out getting sunburned and drinking sea water.
We went out on a bar crawl with some girls from Milton
Keynes, Ellie and Emma, went to a ladyboy cabaret show (Wes loved it) and that
wrapped up Koh Tao.
We took one last boat to Koh Samui where we met up with
some Irish girls, Laura and Ashlyn.
We’d planned a night out, but then we got the news that the
King of Thailand had died. He’d been the king for 7 decades and had spent the
last 7 years in hospital, I was in Thailand for 12 days and he snuffed it. The
country declared an entire year of mourning and a ban on alcohol sales for a
month.
A ban on alcohol?! How am I meant to enjoy Thailand without
booze? How am I going to attend a ping-pong show sober? How am I going to
convince Wes to get a tattoo without a few Jaeger bombs?
We had our two last days in Bangkok. Thailand seemed to put
a ban on any form of fun. No music, no boxing and definitely no seedy entertainment.
It rounded off a pretty disappointing 12 days in Thailand.
 |
| Some bars sold beer...in paper cups |
I felt that Thailand isn’t really made for me. The type of
people that usually holiday there are those who have gotten bored of going to
Benidorm. I could feel my IQ dropping by the day.
I had a great time in Southeast Asia, but 6 weeks of heavy
drinking with little rest is truly exhausting. I’m a broken man. I feel like
Benjamin Button when he was just born. The doctor examines him and says:
“He’s nearly
blind from cataracts…I’m not sure he can hear. His bones indicate severe
arthritis. His skin has lost all elasticity. His hands and feet are
ossified…shows all the deterioration, the infirmities, not of a newborn, but of
a man well in his 80’s on the way to the grave.”
I know exactly how that baby
felt. I’m just hoping a black couple will adopt me.
Those who have been following Wes on Snapchat have enjoyed our exploits. We've had many compliments from our humorous endeavours as we're a great big man little man combination. We're up there with the greats; Schwarzenegger and De Vito, Johnson and Hart, Crouch and Defoe, Burrows and Fennell. We'll soon have the credibility we deserve.
I’m looking forward to some stability in my life again. My
diet has primarily been pad Thai and Jaeger bombs, if I have any hydration and
nutrition it might collapse from the shock.
