Laos: Beautiful Scenery and a Near Death Experience

Although this blog about my time in Laos, I had spent just shy of a week with my good friend, Karl, in Bangkok. “Where’s the blog?” you’re wondering. I decided not to write one. I’ve been to Bangkok twice and written about it twice and, quite frankly, the less people know about what you do in Bangkok, the better. 

I left Karl and ventured north to a small town, Luang Prabang, on the banks of the Mekong Delta. I had never been to this Laos before and knew very little about this country. The extent of my knowledge was that it is a landlocked country surrounded by Myanmar, China, Thailand, and Vietnam. I suppose there was a high likelihood that you're going to be communist when they are your neighbours. They were then colonized by the French and then the Japanese. Laos declared that they were neutral in the US-Vietnam conflict, but this meant very little and became the most bombed country in history. Laos couldn’t catch a break. 

Today, it’s still officially communist, but since the 1990s they’ve reestablished Buddhism and allowed tourists more freedom in the country. Luckily for Laos’ tourist board the hippy backpackers still prefer to travel to India and the cunty ones go to Thailand. 

Peaceful Luang Prabang was the perfect break from raucous Bangkok. It has a heavy influence from the French which means the architecture of the town makes you think you’re in Europe, while the people are very rude and stink of garlic. No, obviously the Laotian people are very hospitable and I got to relax by the Mekong Delta drinking French red wine. Perfect. 

After exploring the town, my first venture was to the Kuangsi Waterfall. The water I’d seen so far was pretty mucky river water, so a waterfall of brown water didn’t seem so appealing. However, upon arrival, I’d discovered one of the most idyllic places in Laos. It was a truly beautiful location filled with a fair few tourists, but what can you do? 

I got in the chilly pool and tried to let my thoughts escape as I relaxed. Almost immediately I felt something biting my ankles. The size and pain of the bite made me immediately think I was in a pool of baby crocodiles. As keen readers of this blog will know, I’m not good with animals, let alone flesh-eating animals. I freaked out. As I kicked and writhed, the sea-serpents dispersed and I calmed down. I soon realised that the water pool was filled with those tiny fish that you see in malls that eat the dead skin off your feet. Eurgh! Why would anyone pay for that sensation?! I was most concerned that the fish would feast on my athlete’s foot and I’d have a massacre on my hands. 

Later that afternoon I ‘hiked’ to the top of Phousi Hill. Hiked is a bit over the top, I mean walked up the steps to the top. It’s a nice viewpoint, with a temple along the way. I think there was a Buddhist monk field trip for aspiring young monks there on that day. I didn’t know much about Buddhist training, but they have 10 Precepts which they must abide.

1. I will refrain from harming the life of others.
2. I will refrain from stealing the property of others.
3. I will refrain from sexual practices.
4. I will refrain from lying.
5. I will refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness.
6. I will refrain from food between noon and dawn.
7. I will refrain from dancing, singing, listening to music, and watching shows.
8. I will refrain from using perfumes, cosmetics, and also from ornaments (and anything that bears relation to seduction).
9. I will refrain from installing myself in places located on a higher level than the noble beings.
10. I will refrain from accepting or using gold or silver (metal and notes).

If these are the rules Buddhist monks must abide, then I’m more out than a Brexiteer. I look at those rules and I think I should adopt a few to be a better person, things like honesty, and not putting myself above others. But, if I can’t watch football shows, have a beer, dress up like a drag queen and then lie all about it then what is the point to life?

It had been a great day. I drove into town, parked up my scooter and had planned to have dinner and head back to the hotel. One rather excellent thing about being colonised by the French is that now Laos has an array of cheap, delicious wine and I got a little carried away that evening. I thought I'd leave the bike in town, walk home and pick it up the following day.

I got talking to a couple at the next table who told me about a tourist scam in Luang Prabang, whereby the scooter rental shops lookout for their rented-out scooters and "steal" them back with the spare keys. When the tourists report them missing they are charged a hefty bill. I was now concerned about leaving the scooter in town overnight, so I thought I'd carefully ride it the short distance back to the hotel.

It just turns out I wasn't as careful as I thought. I came off on a corner and my wearisome body skidded along the tarmac for longer than anyone would normally enjoy. Two girls came running over to assist me, I picked myself up and started to apologise to them profusely like I'd caused them harm in some way. I guess my Britishness came out. The adrenaline was coursing through me, but I detected no broken bones and only some relatively minor scratches. 

I picked up the bike and it was in better condition than me. I hopped back on and made it back to my hotel. I assessed the situation and went about cleaning myself up. As I was wearing flip-flops, my toes took a bit of the damage. I tried to cut off the severed skin, but it was tremendously painful so I asked the hotel receptionist to help me. She came up to my room with some scissors and ointment and went about hacking off the skin. That for me is 5-star service. 

The next morning, there was more swelling and I'd developed a black eye. I obviously hit my head a lot harder than I first thought. Well, I didn't die, so I'll just mark this down as a life experience. 

I had planned on going to an elephant sanctuary, where it was advertised that you could bathe the elephants, but to be honest, because of the scratches I was hardly planning to bathe myself that day. Luckily it was raining, so I was free to wallow in the comfort of my hotel, hiding in the shadows like Quasimodo. 

I then had the difficult task of returning the scooter to the rental company. I covered most of my scratches on my arms, legs, and feet, but it was impossible not to notice them considering some were on my hands and face. The conversation went as follows:

Scooter Man: Good morning. Oh dear, what happened to your face?!
Me: Oh, don't worry. I slipped when I was exploring the waterfall.
Scooter Man: It didn't happen on the bike, did it?
Me: What? No. No, no, no. No way. Definitely not. Gosh, could you imagine? Nah. Nope. Nahhh. Never. 
Scooter Man: Well, you just have to be careful at those falls.

I got my passport back and was gone in a shot. So, was it worth it? Well, the bike wasn't stolen and the wine was delicious, so yes. 

I took a minibus to Vang Vieng, which is about halfway between Luang Prabang and the capital, Vientiane. 

Vang Vieng was almost unknown until recent years. During the Vietnam war, the US built an airbase in the town. After Laos reopened its borders to tourists, Vang Vieng became a hub. It was famous for tubing down the Nong Sam River, whereby backpackers would take a rather large amount of drugs, get into tubes and drink booze all the way down the river. Unsurprisingly, many tourists died doing this. Who'd have thought? 

The Laotian government put a stop to this behaviour, which suits me just fine. Reducing ways for me to die is welcomed. 

Instead of the famous tubing, I found activities that kept my scratches from getting infected. I think the last thing my wounds need is to get into a murky river with loads of sexually infected youngsters. 

I did very little in Vang Vieng. It's pretty much a hell hole of a place. A place full of awful backpackers, which has little to offer. It's main attractions are ziplining, hot air ballooning or the aforementioned tubing. I avoided these and went for a hike. I walked the 3 miles out of town and hiked up Pha Ngern. It was a 40-minute steep climb, and the last 10 minutes were the most treacherous. When I reached the top I was dripping with sweat. Sweat had penetrated every inch of my body soaking my wallet and even drenching my money. I took off my shirt at the top, wrung it out and tried to let it dry out a little, but the attempt was futile. So much for keeping my wounds dry.

It rained the entirety of the following day and that concluded my time in Vang Vieng. It's a great place for adrenaline-seeking, drug-taking backpacker, but that's not really my scene. The highlight of my time there was watching Arsenal beat Burnley 2-1 at Gary's Irish Pub.

I was warned that there wasn't much to do in the capital of Vientiane, and they weren't wrong. People often go there on visa runs from Thailand. If that's the purpose of your visit then it seems worth being there because otherwise there is shit all else to do. There was once the Lao People’s Army History Museum, which shed light on the atrocious bombing the country suffered between 1964-73. That museum is permanently closed now. There are plenty of temples, which bore the arse off me. So I ended up spending my time in Vientiane catching up on Match of the Day and watching Netflix shows. I couldn't wait to get out of Laos and back home. 

Luang Prabang is worth a visit for a few days, but the rest of Laos isn't worth the effort, in my opinion. 

People say Laos is similar to France. I guess if France had a nuclear disaster like Chernobyl then I would be able to see the likeness. 

Indonesia: Yogyakarta & Mount Bromo

Straight from Singapore we stationed in Yogyakarta, a city known for its variety of scenery from mountains to sand dunes to dense jungles. Unfortunately the weather wasn't too kind to us during our stay so we really had to narrow down our scheduled activities.

Our first stop was Indonesia's most visited tourist destination, Borobudur Temple. I'm not the biggest fan of temples, so I made sure to only visit one on this journey and this was it. 

We took the bus there which was an experience in itself. I mean, I say that as a tourist I suppose it wasn't as fun for the locals who were hauling huge sacks of vegetables bought from the market on and off the bus every other stop. I could have helped, but I didn't want to break the fourth wall.

Upon entry they explained that as this is a respected holy place that the outfits Eunju and I were sporting were too provocative showing too much leg. I say if you've got it flaunt it. Alas, I caved to their demands and donned a sarong type garment.

I must say that I really warmed to it. It was so liberating to be in something that I felt comfortable wearing. The slit enabled me to reveal a bit of upper thigh which really enticed the lads. After a few minutes I was sold, just call me Brendie Izzard.

The rain held off just long enough to explore the temple and enjoy the view of the thick vegetation surround this sightseeing hot spot.

We stayed at a hostel called Hati Hati, which was themed on the mantra "don't worry, be happy". It was hard to adopt this belief as there was an Islamic Mosque directly across the street, not that uncommon in Indonesia. The location is perfect for someone who wants to attend the mosque, but a little inconvenient for someone who wants to sleep in. The formal prayers started around 6am at sunrise and were repeated 5 times a day. Just after the Maghrib prayer at sundown we headed for the bar street. 

The next morning we checked the forecast and had a sunshine window of opportunity. We hopped on a scooter and made way for Curug Pulosari. It's off the beaten track and because of the recent downpours we had this secluded waterfall all to ourselves. It was peaceful and beautiful.

Yogyakarta is unique within Indonesia in that is has been given the status of "Special Administrative Region" meaning that it is the only region in Indonesia to be ruled by a monarchy. It was awarded this due to their contribution in aiding the survival of the Indonesian Republic. So, in our remaining time in the city we meandered around the palaces, where the Sultan of Yogyakarta still resides. It was pretty underwhelming. It seemed less of a palace and more of a bus station. It was so underwhelming in fact that I didn't even take a single picture of it. 

We made our way over to the Water Palace, a place where the sultan would relax, taking in a puppet show along the way. I'm not sure what I was expecting with the puppet show, but it was far from interesting. There's a reason why it's traditional entertainment because if it was any good it'd be on Netflix.

Eunju is the one on the left

And that drew to a close our time in Yogyakarta. We just had a short flight over to Surabaya where we were scheduled to take a sunrise tour of Mount Bromo, one of Indonesia's largest active volcanoes. 

We were picked up at midnight and travelled to the mountain. Arriving at around 4am we had an hour and a half to kill until sunrise. Previous to our tour we had been enjoying temperatures of 30°C+, but at the top of the volcano it was down to 11°C. Sure, it was chilly, but some people had dressed as it they were heading for the arctic. Hats, scarves, gloves, and jackets were all on sale, but I wasn't prepared to buy a scarf on holiday in Indonesia. And anyway, I'd just been tolerating Siberian winds in Beijing, light drizzle and a minor chill were nothing to us.

The time passed slowly. Minutes felt like hours. The drizzled worsened and there was a thick mist that was impossible to see through. If someone had said to me, 'would you like to watch the sunrise from the comfort of your warm bedroom?' I probably wouldn't bother waking up for it. 'Would you travel 3-4 hours, climb a mountain in the rain to see bugger all?' Yes, mate. Well up for that. 'And would you like to share that experience with 2,000 other people?' Even better. 

Officially at 5:33am, according to my phone the sunrise had happened and I saw none of it. It was that moment I realised I had wasted my time and money. 

Just as we were heading down the treacherous mountain roads, the clouds parted and we got to see our post sunrise. The sun shone through the clouds over the mist covering the mountains. It was spectacular. 

Further down the mountain we stopped on the Sea of Sand to take some more pictures. We drove over the volcanic sands with a feeling of astonishment. 

We climbed to the peak of the volcano to get a glance of the smoke emitting from it and drew in a big lungful of smelly sulphur dioxide. Either that or the previous nights Indonesian food was making a second occurrence. You could feel the warmth from it too which was welcomed. 

Back to Surabaya we had some time to kill before our early evening flight. We relaxed for a few hours while it rained outside. Our hostel was only 30 minutes from the airport, so we were packed and were left waiting for a taxi, the trouble was that we couldn't get one. After a long painstaking wait, we were on our way when we immediately hit traffic. The rain was coming down harder and flooded the roads 30cm high. I'd never seen rain quite like it. This intensified the traffic. There is nothing more stressful than being in traffic on the way to the airport (well, there are, but for the sake of this story there aren't). The minutes passed like seconds as we sat hopelessly. It eventually took us almost 3 hours to reach the airport and therefore we missed our flight to Bali.

We needed to book another flight, but the airport staff were far from helpful. We got online and our options were limited. We had to settle for one of the morning 2 days later. When I attempted to book these flights my credit card wouldn't work, so I had the joy of talking to their customer service department. By the time we had our flights booked all the restaurants had closed. I was truly pissed off. Over some dry KFC Eunju looked at me and said "smile". You'd have to be a mentalist or a Mormon to smile in that situation. I calmly replied "tomorrow".

This meant we had a day and a bit in Surabaya. Let me tell you, there isn't much to do there. The options were to take a tour of a cigarette factory or look around the zoo, which is most famous for their terrible treatment and conditions for the animals. You know you're in for a long wait if the city you're in is mostly known for cancer sticks and animal cruelty.

We made our morning flight to Bali and I smiled at Eunju.

A shout-out goes to Eunju as she had to tolerate a significant period with a miserable bastard. 

Malaysia: KL, Picturesque Beaches and Jellyfish

China can wear you down very easily, so this extended break over Chinese Spring Festival (Chinese New Year) was much needed. Our first of many destinations was to Langkawi, Malaysia. We arrived to stunning weather and shortly after arriving at our hostel were straight down the beach.

The island is idyllic, something you imagine to see on a post card. There are very few people there making it the ideal relaxation destination. We strolled along the pristine white beach of Pantai Cenang and forgot about all our worries. This lasted for about 10 minutes when I received a sharp, stabbing pain in my ankle. I looked down only to see a small jellyfish. I ran from the water in tremendous pain with my entire foot tingling. I had never been stung by a jellyfish before so wasn't sure how to treat the pain. My mind went to that episode of Friends when Monica gets a sting and Joey has to pee on it. I was tempted to ask Eunju to pee on my ankle, but I don't think we're at that stage of our relationship yet. And anyway, asking your girlfriend to do things like that just ends up with a fetish of golden showers and I don't need that mental trauma in my life.

I thought the best idea would be to Google how to treat such a sting. I hobbled down the beach a little further and found a bar. I ordered a pint and a plate of chips before asking for their WiFi password, it's rude otherwise. 

The first Google search returned a step-by-step method of what to do in such a painful event.

1. Tell an adult.
   This may have been a website for children, but the information was still relevant. I looked around and only saw Eunju and barmen who served an injured man alcohol, so I skipped this step.
2. Don't wash the sting with fresh water.
   I was on holiday, I had lager with no fresh water in sight.
3. Clean the sting with vinegar
   I had already ordered my chips, so the vinegar would go well on both. And I'm British so I smell of salt and vinegar most of the time anyway.
4. Advise someone to take you to the hospital if they notice the following symptoms:
   a) Struggling to drink - definitely not an issue as I'd seen away a pint by that stage
   b) Muscles twitching - I haven't got any to twitch in the first place
   c) A change in vocal tone - I have a Korean girlfriend, if I don't change my tone then we can't communicate
   d) Feeling nauseous - that could be the sting or the beers on the flight

It turned out that I didn't require to go to the hospital, vinegar did the trick and it worked for my ankle too. 

After some research, it turns out that there are large numbers of jellyfish in the waters surrounding Pantai Cenang. They can potentially paralyze or even kill people. I say just give them another 3% and make them water. 

We spent the rest of the evening relaxing and enjoyed the sunset. I realised that I was in a place so far removed from Beijing. I was on a sparsely populated beach, no one was spitting, the skies were clear and I had unlimited access to Google. After my jellyfish search I made sure to Google The Tiananmen Square Massacre of 1989 just because I could.

We spent the following few days scooting around the island and pretty much covered all the hot spots. Although, we never made it to Kok Beach despite Eunju's persuasions. 

Our few days on Langkawi were over too quickly and we make the short journey to the capital, Kuala Lumpur. We only allotted a short time here so we had a lot to pack in. Having just left Beijing the first place we headed to was Chinatown, mainly because that's where we were staying and secondly because we were missing that sound of someone hocking phlegm and the Beijing bikini.

We just had to try the southeast Asian delicace of durian. It's a fruit which is famous for its terrible smell but delicious taste. Eunju's face will tell you everything you need to know. It smells bad, and tastes worse.

We took in the sights of the city before finishing the evening at Heli Lounge Bar. This is probably the coolest bar I've ever been to. It's an operational heli pad at the top of the Menara KH building, but in the evening it becomes a rooftop bar serving drinks 34 floors up. We got a great view of the city and it rounded off our time in KL perfectly. I just wish I had a decent camera to capture that moment better.


Our week in Malaysia was over and we were making the short trip to Singapore. I was one of many British people to have left Malaysia, it's just I'm leaving this country with a little more dignity than my countrymen did in January 1942 when British forces retreated to Singapore after conceding defeat to the Japanese invasion. Eunju and I united and shared a moment to loathe the Japanese. 

Hue to Hoi An: The Top Gear Challenge

So, you may have seen the Top Gear episode when they biked the length of Vietnam. There are plenty of people out here doing just that, but I wasn't one of them. Wes and I opted to do the short route (130km) from Hue to Hoi An taking in the Hai Van pass. We also decided that as neither of us were exactly well-established bikers (I'd ridden on for about 2 days in the Philippines and Wes had never been on one) that we'd opt for the easy rider option. We paid a couple of Vietnamese fellas the enormous sum of $40 to take us the route with us on the back.

We just sat back, took in the view, and snapped away. I've gone through the hundreds of pictures I took and here are the best.

Wes and I enjoying the journey!

The guide said this was the largest lake in Asia. The internet says otherwise.

We got caught in this storm. I told the guide that I didn't mind getting a little wet, but he insisted I wore some waterproofs. He was right.

We stopped at Elephant falls. It was pretty cool. We took a dip and had another beer. 

We did the trip with Charlotte. I honestly didn't mind her tagging along in her bikini.

Just posing. Honest, mum.

Up the mountain roads.

Into the clouds.

At the top there was an American bunker. 

With reminders of the battles that took place here.

So apparently, we chose a bad day to do the trip. The view from the top is meant to be quite incredible, but all we saw was rain  clouds. Coming down the other side of the pass and this was the view. 

We arrived in Hoi An and Wes got measured for a suit. She needed a bigger stool.

We had a couple of relaxing days in Hoi An. It's quite a quaint romantic place, just what Wes and I needed. We headed down the beach. Just a 4km bike ride. I was hardly in the best of shape before going travelling and with copious amounts of alcohol and eating pretty poorly I'm just a sunburned tubby mess. Although I needed the exercise I didn't appreciate it in the heat.

It seemed worth it in the end.

The weeks pass so quickly when you're living this life. No work, lying on the beach, seeing some fantastic sights and partying every night. Someone's got to do it.