Spectating Isn't About Whether You Win or Lose, It's About How Drunk You Get

For this blog post I’d like to rewind the clocks to late 2013. I’d like to tell the tale of when Ed and I became devoted Sydney FC fans. Before I divulge the story I’d just like to point out that my actions are not routine at all football games that I attend, they were a one-off. OK, maybe a two-off.

Sydney FC vs. Newcastle United Jets FC
Allianz Arena
30^th November, 2013

One sunny day in Sydney, Ed and I were talking and we decided that we would take in a football match while I was visiting him. Ed looked up the details on his phone and found out that Sydney FC were playing at home that Saturday evening against Newcastle Jets. We came up with a loose plan, meet up in Bondi for a cheeky few schooners, get the bus to the game, enjoy the delights of the A-League, and then head into Sydney city centre for a night on the tiles. Sorted.

The big day came around and everything was going to plan very smoothly, we got to the game and the first thing I noticed was the army of Del Piero fans. Every man and his dog had the latest sky blue Sydney shirt with Del Piero 10 printed on their backs. We paid the incredible sum of $15 for our tickets and even managed to use a buy one get one free coupon, try pitching that idea to the Premier League! We got there about an hour before kick-off and enjoyed a few beers pitch side, try pitching that idea to the Premier League!

The line-ups were announced and the two stellar names of the day were Alessandro Del Piero of Sydney FC and Emile Heskey of Newcastle United Jets. Emile Heskey has never been described as a stellar name, there were also another 20 names announced but they could have been the water boys for all I know.  The standard was acceptable, and the Allianz Stadium was half empty but the atmosphere was surprisingly good. The Sydney Ultras really make an effort, a few guys with megaphones getting the chants started it was rather enjoyable. In injury time in the second half Sydney took the lead, the celebrations started amongst the fans and it rained down beer from the overly excited Aussies. Wonderful. Half time came around and it was time to get more beer. The second half got underway and we didn’t have to wait long for Sydney to double their lead, the same delirious frolicking occurred, I even joined in with a bit of beer throwing myself. At one stage a brave foreign lad did an impressive pitch invasion and I managed to capture all of it!

The game finished 2-0 and it was time to head into the city. We tried to get the bus but they were full. We tried to hail a cab but the traffic was too intense so we opted to walk. Following the crowds and not entirely sure where we were heading we got a bit lost, we stopped to work out some kind of direction, not too easy when you’ve been drinking since the early afternoon. To lubricate the cogs in our brains we thought it would be a good idea to get a bottle of wine for the journey, brown paper baggin’ it. We continued to walk and somehow ended up in a residential area and as we walked we passed a house party with the front door wide open. I said to Ed “shall we go in?” As if I had to ask. We cautiously entered and we were immediately approached by a guy who suspiciously asked “can I help you?” Confidently I replied “Yeah, we’re here for the party. Charlotte invited us.” Unconvinced he said “there’s no one here called Charlotte”. Sometimes (not often) honesty is the best policy, we came clean “OK, you caught us. We were just passing and were wondering if we could stop here for a few drinks, we’ve brought wine” as we showed him the half bottle of wine that we’d already been swigging. To our amazement he said “Oh right, sure! Come on in, there are drinks in the kitchen. Help yourselves!” What?! We’ve crashed a party hosted by the nicest people in the world. There was Belvedere Vodka, champagne, beer, we’d hit the jackpot!

We noticed that it was Santa Clause themed fancy dress party so we made a small effort by putting some tinsel around our necks. We started to mingle. Everyone was really friendly, nice people, fun conversations; we were having a great time. A Scottish girl approached us she’d got wind that there were two gate crashing Brits at the party. After a few pleasantries she asked us very bluntly “So, are you two gay?” Excuse me?! We informed her that we are not gay but were curious as to why she’d ask such a question. To which she replied “Because, you’re at a gay party”. We looked around us at the people that we’d been talking to for the last hour and it was so obviously a gay party but neither of us had noticed. I turned to Ed and said “Ed mate, we’re at a gay party!” The Scottish girl could not stop laughing, the tears rolled down her cheeks as we stood embarrassed at how oblivious we’d been. We’d crashed a party full of gay Santas and didn’t realise. I did say everyone was very friendly towards us and now we knew why!

We stayed at the party, carried on drinking and had a really good night. We thought it would be a good idea to explore the rest of the house (I don’t know why). So we grabbed a bottle of Belvedere and went upstairs (honestly, we’re not gay). There wasn’t anything interesting but Ed decided that this was the prime time to go to the toilet, I waited for him. The guys hosting the party discovered me alone in one of the bedrooms and an interrogation began. They asked where my friend was, I said he’s having a shit. They weren’t happy and said it was time for us to leave; I knocked on the toilet door and told Ed to hurry up. So not only did we gate crash a party full of gay Santas, we were also kicked out of a party full of gay Santas. We never made it out in Sydney.

Central Coast Mariners FC vs. Sydney FC
Bluetongue Stadium
7^th December, 2013

The week before, during the game against Newcastle United Jets we got chatting to an eccentric Sydney fan who told us about the game the following week against Central Coast Mariners. Only an hour away on the train, there would be a good following from Sydney, so we decided to go. We had become fully dedicated Sydney fans and we were going to our first away game. Loyal.

Another loose plan was instigated, meet up for a few beers, get the train to Gosford (bogan country (bogans are Australian chavs)), have a few more beers, go to the game, head back to Sydney, and have a night on the tiles. The train only took an hour and cost less than a round of beers, which only infuriates you more to realise how much the Brits are getting ripped off for their own rail transport system.

Upon arrival we decided to try to keep the cost of the day down and opted for the finest, largest, cheapest bottle of wine available at the first bottle shop that we came across. So where to drink such a marvellous classic? Well, the park next to the ground, obviously. After nearly getting caught by the patrolling police officers, we finished the bottle made our way into the ground collecting a few beers in the concourse.

In our seats and amongst a large following of away fans, the stadium was very different to all those I’d attended in the past. It has only 3 stands, one of the ends is open which has a fantastic view of palm trees and Fagan’s Bay, I’m used to terrace houses and council flats. 

But anyway, the game kicked off, the chants were reverberating within the stand and the wine was having the desired effect. About 20 minutes in and the game was rather boring, no score, no drama, no quality. All of a sudden there was some commotion amongst the away support, it was getting rowdy. One fan stood up, took off his jacket to reveal a Central Coast Mariners shirt, he revelled in the boos and the hostility from the many travelling fans. In the heat of the moment the wine took over, I thought back to the week before and reached for a liquid missile. Despite being rather merry I still had the sense not to waste my own beer and reached for the beer that belonged to the guy sitting in front of me. I pulled it through the smallest of gaps and launched it down the stand in the direction of the rebellious home supporter; it covered him and everyone around him.  Bad idea. Everyone was livid; people were coming up to shouting in my face, asking why I’d do such a thing. I thought that was the norm. I was wrong. What I didn’t notice was that there were a patrol of policemen in the tier above us that were watching the away fans the way that Wayne Rooney would eye up a retirement home. Straight away the three policemen (yeah, three!) were down and kicking me out, a welcomed eviction considering the hassle I was getting from the hostile fans. In the concourse and I reluctantly asked if I could finish my beers before I left and surprisingly they said yes. Despite being a dickhead even the policemen don’t like to see wasted beer. I was out, and what’s worse was that Ed followed me. I’d ruined his day and he hadn’t done anything wrong.

I apologised repeatedly to Ed and suggested heading back to Sydney, Ed with little urgency said “the best thing we can do now is get another bottle of wine and think about what we’re going to do next”. That’s a fantastic idea; it wasn’t like alcohol had got us in that situation in the first place. So with the cheapest bottle of white we could get our drunk hands on we sat by the bay pondering our next move. 

Ed suggested trying to get back into the game stating to a steward that we were late arriving. This was not a good idea, the police had taken a copy of my I.D. and told me not to even try getting back in but having polished off the wine it seemed like a good idea. It was half time and we thought we’d try our luck. Acting sober we walked back to the ground, we approached a speccy steward, explained that we were late, flashed our tickets and we were in. We were back in the game! Keeping our heads down we thought we’d find a quiet spot in the family stand and just enjoy the rest of the game. 

That’s a lot more difficult that it sounds when you’re inebriated. Making a loud spectacle of ourselves we were rowdy, cursed, chanted, and did the opposite of keeping our heads down. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to all the respectable people sat around us who had to tolerate our dickhead behaviour for 45 minutes.

I filmed a lot of our foolish behaviour.

Ed tried to get a chant started and failed hilariously.

In this final video I interview Ed for 15 minutes. If you know Ed or I at all you may find it remotely funny, otherwise we’re just two pillocks that got drunk at a football match.

The game finished and Central Coast Mariners won the game 1-0. We left the stadium and joined in a children’s match outside the ground, we were playing with 5-10 year olds. What kind of parents let their children play football with two drunk, possible paedophiles? It went on for so long I started touching and filming the children just to get a reaction. Bad parenting. We headed back to the station and decided it was about time to get a third bottle of wine and a couple of kebabs, always a good sign. Wine in hand and waiting for the kebabs we started talking to the locals and asked when the last train back to Sydney was, they laughed and said “in about 4 minutes mate!” We hassled the staff to hurry up with the kebabs (obviously we couldn’t just leave without them), and sprinted to the station. Down the stairs, onto the platform, and within touching distance the doors closed and the train departed. The next train – a 7 hour wait. What else to do other than finish the wine, eat the kebabs, go back into town and find a place to party bogan style. We did just that, the rest of the night was a bit of a blur, one of the few memories was being kicked out of a terrible club because Ed was dancing on a table.

The night before never seems worth it when you’re still awake at 7am, hungover, and waiting for a train. My experiences of following Sydney FC were certainly unique and interesting and I doubt they’ll ever be replicated. Since then Ed and I have agreed never go to the football together again. 

A Content Man is One that Enjoys the Scenery Along a Detour

OK, the title's a bit corny but still relevant.

Detour stop number two on my journey to South Korea, and this time it’s to explore the wonderful city of Sydney and meet up with the travelling duo, Ed and Amy. They departed England in September and although I hadn’t planned on seeing them over the year that followed it was great to see their well-travelled, beautiful faces.

I arrived in Sydney in early December, and like most cities that abide by the Christian calendar, it was pleasantly festooned with merry decorations. This was odd for me for two reasons; 1) it appeared that Sydney really made an effort with their decorations, they had a serious budget that I’ve never really experienced back home in England. My home town of Bedford make an effort each year which normally involve hanging flashing lights and tinsel from lampposts around the town but nothing major. And 2) I had never experienced a scorching December before, during my stay in Sydney temperatures rocketed to mid-thirties which was nice but seemed odd when standing beside a Christmas tree and carollers. Winter in England has its benefits and drawbacks; one inch of snow brings the country to a stand-still, it also brings the hours of moaning about the weather (which we’re renown for), but an Australian will never know of the joy of watching someone struggle to walk on an icy pavement and then fall over. One of life’s simple pleasures.

My first few days were troubled with jet-lag, being extraordinarily tired but not being able to sleep and then waking at 5am. Rather than waste that time trying and failing to fall back asleep I took that opportunity to walk around my surroundings. I was centrally located in Woolloomooloo (great name, I know), so my first stroll took me to Circular Quay where you can get a great view of the harbour, the stunning Opera House, and Sydney Harbour Bridge. The views were even more incredible as the sun was rising, and no one else was around making unnecessary noise, being that it was about 5:30am.

As the tourist that I am, I visited many of the surrounding tourist hot-spots. The Royal Botanic Gardens were located very closely to where I was staying so it would have been rude no to walk through them. The Gardens were OK, I was expecting more if I’m honest. These were supposedly famous gardens but to me they were just gardens. A bit of greenery and a few shrubs, a florist may have valued them higher but for me I think the space could be utilised better if all the trees were dug up and football pitches were laid in their place. With more access to decent facilities, and further involvement the Australian national team could become a genuine force.

Darling Harbour is a fun place to visit, there’s always street performers, street artists, and a great view from the many bars that have a daily happy hour. Within the Darling Harbour area is the wildlife park and the aquarium; again it would have been rude to have gone to Australia and not seen a kangaroo and/or a koala so a visit was necessary. The wildlife park was great, more than 80% of the plants, mammals, reptiles, and frogs are unique to Australia and cannot be found anywhere else on earth. Seeing the iconic animals for the first time was very interesting, seeing creatures that I’d only seen on the internet; kangaroos, koalas, wombats, Tasmanian devils, platypus, echidnas, and so many different types of snakes, spiders, and other creepy-crawlies. The trip to the aquarium was a disappointment by comparison. Don’t get me wrong, it was still pretty cool to see the sharks, manatees, stingrays, and jelly fish but there was nothing unique to Australia. I felt like I could have seen the sea life at almost any large aquarium in the world.

That's a picture of a koala sitting in a tree like it's an arm chair, and a picture of a kangaroo scratching his arse.

The city itself is very exciting. It combines a business district with the tall skyscrapers, the busy region of Chinatown, modern buildings, the many bars and restaurants, and the millions of people that pass through it every day and night. I thought it would be quite interesting to find out about the (very short) history of the city, so Ed, Amy, and I decided to take the tour of The Rocks. The tour would explain about how the first European settlers had colonised the area, and the colourful tales that would follow over the next 200 years. The tour was due to start at 18:00 but the tour was late, we waited for a full four minutes before we got impatient and went to the pub. I got the gist of the tour from the leaflet so, I’m good. It was that afternoon that I tried kangaroo steak. Not bad. It tastes very similar to beef steak just a bit chewier.

The evening entertainment in Sydney was always surprising. I had my first experience of crab racing. Yes, crab racing. A race which pitched crabs against one another to race to the edge of a large platform. Despite the premise the atmosphere was very exciting, although the bar was not encouraging gambling you could “buy” a crab and if your crab won you would win a prize, often a beer tab. It was funny to watch so many people get so animated cheering on a crab that had no idea that it was in a race, and would remain motionless for most of the duration of the race. It was a different, fun experience though.

We ventured to The Soda Factory/Bobby’s Boss Dogs, a bar that specialised in gourmet hot dogs, on two separate occasions. The first was to watch a screening of Home Alone (I forget how good that film is sometimes) and the second was to binge eat as many $1 gourmet hot dogs as possible. The dogs were pretty good! The first 3 or 4 were a delight going down then the dogs became a challenge, I think I ended up forcing 6 down and Ed managed 7. We asked the bar tender if there was a record, he said there wasn’t but he said he’d be surprised if someone could manage 4. So I think without really trying Ed managed to set an unofficial record, although not such a great idea when you have a 15 minute waddle home.

Something I haven’t mentioned so far that Sydney is famous for is its stunning beaches. Pretty much the only thing I had planned when I arrived in Australia was to lie on a beach and do nothing. When you work in customer service, like I did, I worked for a bank taking call after call about complaints and charges I couldn’t think of anything better than to lie on the sand, not having to speak to anyone, pure bliss. We mainly went to Bondi Beach, but we did go to Manly Bay on one occasion. The relaxing beach experience was tainted slightly with the risk of getting eaten by a Great White Shark if you decided to venture into the water. I have a friend from England who is petrified of sharks; she has nightmares about them, so scared in fact that she talks about them almost on a daily basis. I always laughed at her fear of sharks, and rightly so considering she lives in Derbyshire, but when you could potentially be less than 30 miles from a shark I had every right to be apprehensive from entering the water. The life guards have measures in place whereby a helicopter will patrol the coast roughly every thirty minutes but even so there were 48 shark attacks in Australia in 2008, that was 1 every week. So forgive me for being slightly afraid of a man eater.

On one of my many walks around the city I decided to walk across the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Now I know the bridge is legitimately safe to cross but when a lorry, or bus would cross the bridge the pedestrian footpath would shake, this made me very anxious. But I was already half way across so I persisted. Along the bridge I noticed a couple of padlocks locked to the gridded guard rail. This is a custom that has become very popular across the world, couples will write something soppy on a padlock, lock it to a public fixture, and this will represent their everlasting love. Bollocks if you ask me, and I think this particular padlock summarised it all for me. This relationship lasted all of 2 months, Josh’s ex-girlfriend obviously felt so aggrieved that she had to go back to the padlock and scratch her name off. The padlock remains but their love isn’t quite everlasting. Utter bollocks.

During my time in Sydney I managed to tick a substantial event off the bucket list, a sky dive. It’d been something that I had wanted to do for about 7 or 8 years but every time the opportunity would arise I would bottle it. So I forced myself this time, once I had paid for it I knew I would do it, and where else is going to be better than on the east coast beach of Australia? Looking back on it now it was possibly the best and the worst experience of my life, certainly the scariest. Karl Pilkington once said “you can’t enjoy something until after the event”, and he was so right. When I was in the plane it was scary, when the door opened and I swung my legs out at 15,000 feet it was terrifying, and when I jumped/was pushed my mind was blank. It was only until my feet touched the wonderful, solid ground, and my heart began to beat again that I appreciated how much of a thrill the sky dive was. Having done one it was truly incredible and I’d even recommend it to others who have never done one but it’ll be a long while before I put myself through that again. Here’s the jump in it’s entirety. And yes, I did scream like a little girl all the way down.

Here are some other highlights from my time in Sydney.