A short stop in Amsterdam was met with many stereotypes. You can’t move for tulips, wheels of cheese, clogs, and erotica. One thing that surprised me about the Dutch people is their inability to queue which, as a Brit, annoyed me. As this began to irritate me I remembered the great things that the Dutch have exported to us Brits over the years; Dennis Bergkamp, Marc Overmars, Heineken, and in return we have given them Steve McClaren, so I endured the chaos that ensued as I boarded my flight to Bangkok.
The flight was uneventful, a few hours of Football Manager made the flight rather enjoyable and despite my pleas to do a circle of the airport so that I could finish Blackburn’s summer transfer-window I had arrived in Bangkok.
My first introduction to the Thai culture was the lack of
Health and Safety. I left the terminal and got a taxi to my hotel. As we set
off I reached for my seatbelt only for the driver to say “no, no, no”, I was
rather confused at this which I therefore ignored, and then attempted to put on
my seatbelt again for the same thing to happen. “No, no, no”, I finally
understood what he was trying to say, there were in fact no seatbelt plugs,
deeming the seatbelt useless. As we joined the highway my desire for a seatbelt
grew as the journey pursued, as tuk-tuks, motorcycles, and other road users
ignored every law of the Highway Code, I feared for my life. My attention was
diverted from the road dangers, for it to focus on the vessel of disease that
was the taxi driver. He was truly the most disgusting man I have ever met,
belching and flatulence started the proceedings, followed by phlegm splutters.
Luckily we were able to test the car’s brakes as an emergency stop was required
when the driver focused his attention on exploring the cavities of his nasal
passage rather than the road. The brakes worked just fine. It appeared that he
had more diseases than Lindsey Lohan’s tampon. I gladly arrived at my hotel.
My initial thoughts of Bangkok are that it is homage to
Manchester United, it was a good thing I was only there for two days. Very hot,
humid, busy, and I was often left thinking ‘what have I stepped in?’ when I
realised they are the typical smells that you become accustom to in the city.
I started with a visit to the floating market, a mediocre
experience. I was expecting the hustle and bustle of a market place with the
smells of different spices, foods, instead I found myself to be the only punter
in the entire market, hardly the bustle I was expecting. The objects for sale
ranged from fridge magnets, shot glasses, miniature models of tuk-tuks and
other tat. The most common items for sale were knob related tat; knob bottle
openers, knob key chains, and apparently the best seller was a knob ashtray.
There are more statues of knobs in Bangkok than there are outside Old Trafford.
The best and only purchase at the market was a beer.
On the way back I from the floating market I rode an
elephant which was nice but I couldn't enjoy it fully as the Thai elephant
tamer poked it with a sharp stick every time he wanted it to change direction.
Then the chap revealed a box containing real ivory which ruined the entire
experience for me. It was nice to see the elephant up close but it was a shame
about the circumstances.
I made a second stop en route back to the hotel from the
floating market, this time it was to visit the train market, an open market
which literally trades on the railway line. The trains are infrequent and they
normally pass through the market twice a day. My travels had coincided with
seeing the train pass through the market, the stalls are withdrawn from the
track for a few minutes and normal business will resume once the train has
departed. Interesting to see but the smells were horrendous, fish, poultry, and
crustaceans that have been out in the heat all day with no means of preservation,
only for the train to cover the meats with exhaust fumes and soot, and the Thai
traders carry on as normal. I didn't buy anything. But whilst I was there I was interviewed for British television for a show called The World’s Most Extreme,
slightly ironic that they interviewed the world’s most mediocre man. It was a
nervous interview, from which I offered very little insight, which will definitely
not make the final cut of the show.
The evening’s entertainment was Thai boxing, and some sight-seeing
took place the following afternoon. I was told that Khaosan Road was the best destination
for a night of drinking in bars, so I hailed a tuk-tuk to take me there that
evening. Before I left England my father, a previous visitor to Thailand, gave
me some advice which was to haggle with everyone from market traders to taxi
drivers, always negotiate the price to avoid the locals taking advantage of
you. When I asked the tuk-tuk driver to take me to Khaosan Road he declared it
would cost 200 baht (£3.80) for the 4-mile journey, I began to try barter with
him and said I would not pay any more than 100 baht (£1.90), I was arguing over
£1.90, I’m not sure why I was so tight. The driver wouldn’t do it for 100 baht
but offered an alternative. In broken English he said “5 minute diversion, 100
baht”, I struggled to understand and what I thought he was saying was saying
that due to the traffic he would drop me 5 minutes from Khaosan Road and I
could walk the rest, so I agreed and got in the tuk-tuk.
The journey began to confuse me, I’m no expert on the
Bangkok roads but we spent a lot of the journey off the main highways and were
going down many back-streets. About 10 minutes later he pulled over down a side
road which did not seem safe, in an area which you would hardly call “touristy”.
He told me to get out of the tuk-tuk and kept on saying “5 minutes, 5 minutes”.
Considering the situation I was in I remained in the tuk-tuk, questioning why I
was arguing over £1.90. The driver began to get a little irate, and then he
tried to re-explain the situation, in further broken English he explained that
tuk-tuk drivers get some sort of commission from local businesses if they bring
in customers, these businesses often range from tailors, shows, and other
places of entertainment that Thailand has become famous for. The local business
that he wanted me to go into was a tailor, luckily. He carried on by saying “go
in, look around, no buy, we go Khaosan Road”. I was considering just paying the
extra 100 baht so that I didn’t have to pretend I was interested in buying a
suit, but I’m not made of money so I went in.
I was welcomed in the tailors; I went into a private room
where they began to measure my dimensions for a custom fitting suit. I had to
pretend that I was interested in buying a suit for long enough for the driver
to get his commission but also had to think of a reason not to buy one, as I
didn’t actually want a suit. All-in-all I was reasonably confident as I was
acting with a lot of self-importance, feeling the materials and asking about
the thread-count and textile content, like I actually knew what I was talking
about or indeed cared.
The first hurdle that I threw at the tailor to not buy a
suit was the colour, I thought that if I asked for a ridiculously coloured
suit, he would not have the material and therefore could not match my demands
and would give me that elusive excuse to leave. I announced to the tailor that
I must have a pink suit, only a pink suit will do for me! To which he replied “that
will not be a problem, sir”. Shit. Out came this bright, luminous, pink
material which he started to drape over me. I said “this is fantastic, exactly
what I wanted!” The hole I was digging was getting deeper.
I then had another brainwave, the price. If we cannot agree
on a price then I have an excuse not to buy such a ridiculous suit. I announced
again with even more confidence “before we go any further, I think we need to
work out a price, how much will this suit cost?” He informed me that he could
make this undesirable suit for 15,000 baht (£287). Here was my chance to get
out, I was going to negotiate a price that he couldn’t do, and then leave. I
had to make sure the negotiations didn’t start too low otherwise he’d know that
I was just there to “scam” him for the benefit of the driver. So I said “ooh,
that’s a little out of my price range, I’d be able to stretch as far as 10,000
baht but that’s my limit”. By taking a third off the original asking price, I
was sure he’d say no, unfortunately for me he said “that will not be a problem,
sir”. Shit. He asked me to stand so that he could continue to measure me, so I
did. Now I’m all out of excuses and will be paying 10,000 baht (£190) for a
pink suit that I didn’t want when I could have avoided all of this for the measly
fee of £1-bloody-90!
Now I’m panicking a little and my confidence has run a mile.
I struggle for the next excuse, but I draw a blank, so I tried to re-negotiate
the price again. I said “you can’t possibly make this suit for 10,000 baht”. He
replied “I can”. I tried to act all moral, “I feel like I’m taking advantage of
you and your good nature”, to which he said “but it was your price, if you feel
like you’re taking advantage of me then pay me more money”. Shit. I told him I
had a confession to make that in fact, I could not afford to pay the 10,000
baht that I had negotiated, and in fact could only offer 7,000 baht. He looked
shocked, and in this moment I decided to just walk out rather than try to talk
myself out of the situation. I’m not sure what he must have thought of me as I
walked out the door, a confident man who asked for a pink suit, negotiated a price,
was overwhelmed by morality, said he was taking advantage of the tailor’s good
nature but then offered him less money than originally agreed and then left.
The driver was waiting for me outside, I asked the driver “did you get your commission?”
he said that he did so I told him “well, let’s get the f*** out of here!”
I laughed about the situation on the journey to Khaosan
Road, and it turned out to be a good night. The following day I met up with
some uni friends who happened to arrive in Bangkok at the same time. We went
for lunch then I left for the airport. An interesting few days, I’m sure I’ll
go back to see other parts of Thailand, Chiang Mai and Phuket are meant to be worth a visit.
Here's a montage of my short time in Bangkok.
Here's a montage of my short time in Bangkok.
